NewsRadio Episode 605:  "Max-a-Million"  by NewsRadiator

Summary:  Max asks Jimmy for help in defrauding his insurance company of a million dollars;  Dave and Beth interview candidates for the supervising producer position;  Joe asks Lisa for love advice.

Note:  Please send all feedback -- good and bad -- to NewsRadiator@hotmail.com.

Disclaimer:  I don't own most of these characters.  I'm just borrowing them.

"Max-a-Million"

Scene 1:  Newsroom -- Conference Table

     Dave is conducting the morning meeting.

Dave:  Okay, everyone.  I'm going to be busy most of the day doing interviews for
          supervising producer.

Matthew:  Dave, you're the News Director.  Why do you want another job?

Dave:  Matthew, I'm not interviewing FOR the job.  I'm conducting the interviews for
          someone else to take it.

Matthew:  Well, why can't I have it?  Am I going to be stuck with the same job forever?

Joe:  Matthew, we're still not clear on exactly what your job is.

Matthew:  Well, neither am I.  That's why I should get a new one.

Dave:  Fascinating logic. 

Beth:  Indeed it is, Mr. Spock.

Dave:  Looks like the geek test is on you this time. 

Beth:  Dammit!

Dave:  Anyway, Beth, I'd like you to help me with the interviews.

Beth:  You mean I actually get to do professional type stuff?

Dave:  Yes, you can just think of it as a role-playing game.

Beth:  Oh goody!  Do I get a raise out of it?

Dave:  Don't push it.

Lisa:  How many candidates do you have?

Dave:  Beth, how many people made appointments?

Beth:  Ten.

Max:  There are ten people in New Hampshire who want this job?

Lisa:  I think it's a safe bet that they're not from here.  They're probably from all over the
          country looking for a temporary position in New Hampshire so they can cover the
          primaries more closely.

Matthew:  Well, they should just use the Associated Press.  Ever since you guys told me
          about it, I've been using it for everything.

Dave:  Yes, Matthew.  I'd been meaning to talk to you about that.  The least you could do
          is change the wording a little bit before you hand it in to me and pass it off as your
          own.

Matthew:  Sorry.  That would require more time away from computer solitaire.

Dave:  Yes, well I don't PAY you to play computer solitaire.

Matthew:  Yes, you do.  What do you think I've been doing the past five years?  And I
          most certainly got paid for it.

Dave:  Once again, you have missed the point enitrely.  Meeting's adjourned, everyone.

Scene 2:  Breakroom

          Max leads Jimmy into the breakroom then closes the door behind him.

Jimmy:  Max, what is this all about?

Max:  I need to warn you before the private investigator comes.

Jimmy:  What private investigator?

Max:  I made an insurance claim about two months ago.

Jimmy:  For what?

Max:  I'd rather not say.

Jimmy:  You lied, didn't you?

Max:  (sheepily)  Yes.  I saw the opportunity to make some money, so I got a doctor to
          say that I'll have a permanent limp.

Jimmy:  As a result of what?

Max:  Remember that cow that stepped on my foot a few months ago?

Jimmy:  No.

Max:  Oh, right.  You were in New York on business at the time.

Jimmy:  Did it hurt?

Max:  Of course.  Just not as much as I let on to the insurance company.

Jimmy:  So, what did you do?

Max:  I filed the claim.  My lawyer says that I can get a million out of them easily.

Jimmy:  For a cow stepping on your foot?

Max:  Yes.  I have a permanent limp.  It will have adverse effects on my ability to enjoy
          squaredancing.  You know, pain and suffering and all that crap.

Jimmy:  But, Max, you don't HAVE a permanent limp.

Max:  Yes, but THEY don't know that.

Jimmy:  Besides, Max.  The insurance company doesn't care about pain and suffering.
          They just pay your medical bills.

Max:  Normally, yes, but it just so happens that the owner of the cow that stepped on my
          foot is also the owner of the insurance company.  He'll do anything to avoid a
          lawsuit.

Jimmy:  What about this PI you're talking about?  Isn't the whole point of that stuff for
          them to observe you when you least expect it?  How do you know someone's
          coming today?

Max:  I have a friend at the insurance company.

Jimmy:  (amazed)  You have friends on the outside?

Max:  I met her at the fire station.  She says I look sexy when I dance.

Jimmy:  Right.  So, Max, why are you telling me this?

Max:  I want you to help me with the PI.

Jimmy:  Max, I'm not going to lie for you.

Max:  Oh, come on, Mr. James.  I picked you because you're the only one around here
          who can truly appreciate the value of money.

Jimmy:  Yes, and I also highly appreciate the value of EARNING it, at least when you're
          first starting out.

Max:  Maybe I just haven't given you the right incentive.

Jimmy:  Max, I was willing to risk getting my ass put in jail for Adam West.  Let me tell
          you something.  You ain't Batman.  I ain't gonna do it for you.  You do realize
          that fraud is a crime.  And if I were to help you, I'd be an accomplice.  I seriously
          doubt you could offer a great enough incentive to make me do this.

Max:  Hear me out.  You remember that city councilman who beat your ass a couple of
          weeks ago?

Jimmy:  Yeah, vaguely.

Max:  It was his cow, and he's the owner of the insurance company.

Jimmy:  Hot damn!  Batman, I'm all yours.  What do you need me to say?

Scene 3:  Dave's Office

          Dave and Beth are sitting behind the desk.  A candidate is on the couch.

Dave:  So . . . Kevin.  What sort of experience have you had in the radio industry?

Kevin:  Well, I worked at a station in Seattle for over five years.

Dave:  Uh huh, and what did you do there?

Kevin:  I fetched coffee for the manager.

Dave:  That's all?

Kevin:  Yeah, that's about it.

Beth:  Hey, Iíve been  there, pal.

Dave:  So you were a secretary?
Kevin:  The PC term is assistant, but yes.

Dave:  Okay.  Do you have any journalistic experience?  What about production
           experience?  Anything at all?

Kevin:  No.

Dave:  So you thought you'd just come to New Hampshire right before the primaries in
          a presidential election year and pick it up as you went along?

Kevin:  Yeah.

Dave:  Are you insane?

Beth:  Dave, don't be rude.  You'd be surprised what you can pick up by observation over
          the years.

Dave:  Oh, really.  And what have you observed?

Beth:  Well, I've learned that you really only need one or two competent people in the
          office.  You can get your way by sleeping with the boss.  Also, I've learned how to
          play computer solitaire pretty well.  I got the last part from Matthew obviously.

Dave:  Matthew is an exception.  He's not in a position of great importance around here.
          Kevin, I'm sorry, but the supervising producer position requires some experience in
          the field.  It's one of the positions that DOES need someone competent.

Beth:  Well, I think you should give him a shot.

Dave:  No.

Kevin:  Do you need a new assistant?  I guess I could settle for fetching coffee again.  I
          can be the best damn assistant you ever had.

Beth:  Hey, pal.  What's the big idea?  Get the hell out of here.

Scene 4:  Lisa's Office

          Joe enters from the side connecting to the paper.  Lisa is at her desk.

Lisa:  What's up, Joe?

Joe:  I was just over there talking to Kate.

Lisa:  My reporter?  Why?

Joe:  Beth and Mr. James tried to set me up with her last week.

Lisa:  And?

Joe:  I think we have a real connection.
Lisa:  Oh really?  Do you see it going anywhere?

Joe:  I don't know.  That depends on her.  Does she ever talk about me?

Lisa:  She mentioned that she wanted to jump you a couple of times.

Joe:  Really?

Lisa:  No.

Joe:  Lisa, don't get my hopes up.

Lisa:  You really do like her.  I've never seen you so . . . apprehensive about a woman
          before.

Joe:  Yeah, well, usually it's wham, bam, thank you ma'am, but . . .
Lisa:  This is different?

Joe:  I don't know.  It could be.

Lisa:  On a scale of one to ten . . . ten being Catherine, one being that chick from WNYX
          who smelled like garbage . . . how would you rate Kate?

Joe:  A nine.  God, I miss Catherine.

Lisa:  No one will ever be a ten, huh?

Joe:  Not while Catherine is still single.

Lisa:  You poor lonely bastard.

Joe:  Yeah, thanks for the sympathy.
Lisa:  Well, what do you want?
Joe:  Advice.

Lisa:  On what?

Joe:  Uh . . . Kate.  Duh.

          Kate walks into the office unannounced and hears Joe's last comment.

Kate:  Hi, guys.  What about me, Joe?

Joe:  Uh . . . uh . . .

Lisa:  Joe was just wondering what you wanted for lunch.  Later on, he's going to make a
          run to the Chinese place for everyone.

Kate:  Oh . . . excellent.  I'll go with you actually.  That creepy sports columnist has been
          staring at me all day.  I need to get out of here.

Joe:  I'll kick his ass if you want.
Kate:  How sweet.  I'll let you know.  Lisa, I just wanted to know if you'd finished editing
          my Bill Bradley story.

Lisa:  I'm almost done.  I'll let you know.

Kate:  Okay.

          She leaves.  Lisa turns to Joe and smiles.

Joe:  You know, at first I was gonna be pissed at you for tricking me into making a lunch
          run.  Then she said she'd come with me.  So now I'm going to kiss you.

Lisa:  Not if you value your life you won't.

Joe:  Aw, Lisa.  Come on.  (puckers lips)  Give Joe some love.

          He grabs her head and plants a big wet one on her forehead while she attempts to swat at his head with her arms.

Lisa:  Joe!

          Joe just laughs then walks to the door.

Joe:  Thanks, Lisa.  I owe you one.

Lisa:  Not if that's your method of payment.  I really do want lunch by the way.

Joe:  Yeah yeah.

Scene 5:  Dave's Office

          Matthew walks into the office to find Dave and Beth interviewing another candidate.

Matthew:  Hey, guys.  What up?

Dave:  Matthew, we're in the middle of something.  Leave your story in here, and I'll take
          a look at it later.

Tom:  Matthew?

Matthew:  Oh my God.  Tom!

Beth:  You two know each other?

Matthew:  Yeah.  We went to college together.

Dave:  You're a dentist too, Tom?
Tom:  Damn.  I was trying to make sure no one ever found out.  At my last station,
          everyone was always asking for free exams.

Matthew:  That's odd.  When everyone found out about me being a dentist, no one asked
          me to do it.  Well, Beth did.

Dave:  Matthew, we don't trust you with sharp objects by yourself.  We wouldn't be so
          stupid as to let you put them in our mouths.

Beth:  Hey!  Are you calling me stupid?

Dave:  Why no, I'd never dream of it.

Matthew:  Good point.  So, Tom, I didn't know you were in the radio business too.  I
          thought I was the only convert.

Tom:  Oh no, I decided dentistry wasn't for me.

Dave:  How did you get into radio journalism?

Tom:  My former wife is the News Director at a station in Albany.  It seemed like a fun
          job, so she set me up with another station.  I was right.  It's a cool career.

Matthew:  It is, isn't it?  You get to play around on the computer all day.

Tom:  Huh?

Dave:  No, Matthew, you don't.

Matthew:  You always say that.

Beth:  He means it, Matthew.

Matthew:  Yeah, right.  Well, Tom, I'll let you get back to your interview.  We'll talk
          later.

Tom:  Great.

          Matthew leaves.

Dave:  Well, Tom.  We're done here anyway.  I must say, you seem qualified.  I guess
          some dentists are better suited to radio journalism than others are.  The transition
          must have been easier on you than it was on Matthew.

Tom:  Um, Dave?

Dave:  Yeah?

Tom:  I don't want the job anymore.

Beth:  Why not?  You'll get to work with your college buddy.

Tom:  That's exactly the problem.  I spent four years as Matthew's roommate.  The honor
          was thrust upon me because no one else wanted it, and the housing supervisor had
          it in for me.  The former wife I mentioned?

Dave:  Yeah?

Tom:  She finally divorced me because of the many annoying habits I picked up from
          Matthew over the years.

Beth:  So what?

Tom:  So I don't want to have to deal with proximity to him again.  I'll pick up even more
         of his idiosyncrasies, and I'll be off the eligible bachelor market.

Dave:  Okay, you know what?  That is so screwed up.  What is with you dentists anyway?
          You choose a career that lets you inflict immense pain on your patients, but no . . .
          that's not good enough for you.  You have to invade the radio industry.  Then you
          turn down a perfectly good job because you're afraid it will make you undesirable
          to females.  What is wrong with you?!

Beth:  Yeah!  Matthew's a nice guy.  Sure, he can be annoying, but he's a sweet guy at
          heart.

Tom:  Sorry, guys.  You'll just have to find someone else.

Beth:  Well, good.  We didn't want you anyway!

          Tom leaves the room.

Dave:  You enjoying this professional type stuff so far, Beth?

Beth:  I had no idea what kind of idiots you deal with day in and day out.

Dave:  Yeah, and that's not even counting the ones that work here already.

Beth:  Hey!

Scene 6:  Booth

          Max walks into the booth, pretending to limp.

Lisa:  Congress is expected to take immediate action on the bill, and analysts predict that
          it will be passed before the new year.  WNHX news time . . . 11:13.  More after
          this.

          Lisa takes off her headphones as Max is sitting down.

Lisa:  Max, what's up with the limp?

Max:  I hurt myself.

Lisa:  How?

Max:  That's none of your business.

Lisa:  Were you wrestling with your pig again?

Max:  Look, could we just not talk about this?

Lisa:  Oh, come on, Max.  You can't just leave me hanging like this.

Max:  Watch me.

Lisa:  Max Louis, I will never figure you out.

Max:  That's a good thing.  Trust me, it's scary deep down in there.

Lisa:  Deep down in where?

Max:  (dramatically)  Deep down in the places that even I am afraid to go.

Lisa:  Max, sometimes your weirdness rivals that of Matthew.

Max:  I know.  Scary, isn't it?

Lisa:  Some nights I wake up in cold sweats just thinking about it. 

Max:  Ooooh, kinky.  The fact that you spend your nights thinking about me rather than
          that little man beside you must mean . . .

Lisa:  Um . . . no.  There is a difference between a kinky dream and a flat out nightmare.
          Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the paper.

Max:  Good!  That's where you belong in the first place!  Why don't you just stay there?

Lisa:  Because I will never give you the satisfaction, Max.  Now why don't you just tell
          me why you're limping?  The suspense is killing me.

Max:  Go bug someone else.

Lisa:  How come when the rest of us say that, it never works on you?

Max:  I don't know.  Just LEAVE!

Lisa:  My God, the tables are really turning around, aren't they?  Usually we're the ones
          telling you that.

Max:  L-E-E-V-E.  Leave.

Lisa:  Um, Max . . . you spelled it wrong.

Max:  Go to H-E-double hockey sticks.

Lisa:  Okay.  That one works if you're ten years old.

Max:  Fine.  How about this one?  F-U . . .

Lisa:  Alright, alright.  No need to get vulgar.  Jeez.

Scene 7:  Dave's Office

          Dave walks in to find Beth at his desk and a candidate on the couch.

Beth:  Dave, this is Andrea.  Andrea, this is Dave, our News Director.

Dave:  (panicky)  Huh?  What?

Andrea:  My name is Andrea.  You look like you're about to hyperventilate.  Is there
          anything wrong?

Dave:  What?  Oh, no.  Of course not.  Nothing.

Beth:  Alrighty, Dave.  So, Andrea, what sort of experience have you had in the radio
          industry?

Andrea:  Well, I come from a management background actually.  I spent three years at a
          station in Chicago trimming the corporate fat . . . so to speak.

Dave:  Huh?

Andrea:  I was in charge of restructuring the station.  They brought me in, and I
          reorganized everything to make it more efficient.

Dave:  Oh, please don't say that word.

Andrea:  What word?

Dave:  Efficient.

Beth:  Dave, are you alright?

Andrea:  Have I said or done anything wrong?

Dave:  I'm sorry.  Go on.

          They all sit there, not saying a word for a second.  Andrea and Beth stare at Dave expectantly.

Andrea:  Um . . . you're the one conducting the interview.

Dave:  Oh, of course.  Um . . . why are you now wanting to become involved in the
          production aspect of radio?

Andrea:  Well, when I was in Chicago, I realized how exciting this industry is, and I set a
          goal for myself to get in there and work my way up.

Dave:  How high up?

Andrea:  Excuse me?

Dave:  Exactly what do you have your sights set on?  Down the road.

Andrea:  Well, I'd like to explore the possibility of a position in production while still
          maintaining close ties with my management background.

Dave:  (quickly)  Well, I'll get back to you.

Andrea:  That's it?  That's the entire interview?

          Dave gets up and starts leading her to the door.

Dave:  Yes, that's all I need to know.  I'll have Beth give you a call.

Andrea:  But . . .

          Dave all but slams the door in her face.

Beth:  Dave, that was incredibly rude.  What the hell was that all about?

Dave:  Oh, come on.  You don't see it?  A woman named Andrea with a management
          background?  Someone who utters words like efficiency?  She wants my job.

Beth:  This wouldn't have anything to do with Andrea the efficiency expert, would it?

Dave:  Of course!  That woman gave my job to Lisa!

Beth:  I thought you were over that.

Dave:  Beth, I got over Lisa being my boss.  However, I have NEVER been able to get
          over the fact that THAT WOMAN nearly wrecked my life.

Beth:  You don't think you're taking this just a bit too seriously?

Dave:  I have no idea what you mean.

Beth:  Dave, this woman is not the same Andrea.  She doesn't want your job.

Dave:  You think that now.  Beth, for every Andrea the efficiency expert, there are ten
          more Andrea the corporate fat trimmers slash producers to carry out her evil plan.

Beth:  And what evil plan is that?

Dave:  To make my life a living hell.

Beth:  Dave, I've told you this many times before, but you need to hear it again.  You are
          a crazy little man, and you need help!  You have got to get this paranoia under
          control.

Dave:  You're in on it.

Beth:  In on what?

Dave:  You're helping this new Andrea woman get my job.

Beth:  What are you talking about?

Dave:  The other Andrea sank her claws into Lisa for a best buddy.  This one's latched
          onto you.  She's getting you to help her.  You're in here trying to convince me that
          I'm crazy.  After I get institutionalized, Jimmy will be forced to let her take my
          place.  It all makes perfect sense.

Beth:  Oh my God.  Get some HELP!

          Beth walks over to Lisa's office and sticks her head in.  She speaks loud enough for Dave to hear her.

Beth:  Lisa, you might want to come over here.  Dave's gone bitchcakes on me.

Lisa:  Again?  What now?

Beth:  Long repressed resentment about Andrea the efficiency expert giving you his job a
          couple of years ago.

          Lisa gets up and walks over to Dave's office.  She looks at him questioningly.

Lisa:  (slightly hurt)  Resentment against me?  Still?  I thought you got over that pretty
          quickly.

          Dave just stares with a crazy look in his eyes.

Beth:  No, no.  It's not that.  Resentment against Andrea.  He just refused to hire someone
          because her name was Andrea and she has a management background.

Dave:  (still a little psycho)  She was a corporate fat trimmer.  You forgot that part.

Beth:  Well, I'll tell you the other part I left out.  He thinks she wants his job and that I am
          helping her because I want him institutionalized.  I'm beginning to think he should
          be.

Dave:  (to Lisa)  There, you see?  She really is in on it.

Lisa:  Oh my God.

Beth:  Well, anyway, Lisa, you have your work cut out for you.  I'll get back to work
          while you try to calm him down.  I'll also get Dr. Frank on the line just in case.

Dave:  (yelling)  NO!  Not Dr. Frank!

Lisa:  Yeah, he's right.  Our goal should be to eliminate past resentment, not amplify it.

Beth:  Alrighty.  Good luck.

Scene 8:  Lisa's Office

          Joe walks in with a gloomy expression on his face.  He sits down on the couch.

Lisa:  What's up?

Joe:  Kate.

Lisa:  Uh huh?  What about her?

Joe:  She has a boyfriend.

Lisa:  I'm sorry, Joe.  How did you find out?

Joe:  We were talking on the way to the Chinese place.  I was just about to ask if she
          wanted to go to dinner or a movie sometime, and she mentioned that she had a
          boyfriend.

Lisa:  What did she say?  What brought it up?

Joe:  It just kind of came out of the blue.  She said that her boyfriend was a major ass and
          that she wanted to break up with him.

Lisa:  Catherine was right.  You really are that stupid.

Joe:  What are you talking about?

Lisa:  Joe, that was an invitation.  She tells you she wants to break up with her boyfriend.
          That means that she wants you to ask her out . . . maybe not right away, but
          definitely later.

Joe:  How can you be so sure?

Lisa:  You're just going to have to trust me.  Ask Beth if you don't believe me.

Joe:  I don't know.  It just seems an odd way to drop a hint.

Lisa:  My God . . . you're proving just how dumb you are over and over again.  Get a
          clue, Joe.

Joe:  Why can't women be more like men?  We say what we mean when we mean it.

Lisa:  Oh, yes, you were SO straightforward with Catherine.  Look, Joe.  Kate was just
          letting you know that she's not available right at the moment, but that she will be in
          the near future.  By telling you to your face when you two are alone, she's letting
          you know that she wants you to ask her out when the time comes.  It's not rocket
          science.

Joe:  You're absolutely sure about this?

Lisa:  Yes, now get out of here.  I have work to do.

Joe:  What?  You don't want your lunch?

Lisa:  Dave and I already went out.

Joe:  I thought you said you wanted me to pick up Chinese for you.

Lisa:  Oh, Dave went bitchcakes as Beth would put it, and I had to take him out and calm
          him down.

Joe:  (coyly)  Well, I'm under some stress right now.  Why don't you take me out and
          calm me down . . . if you catch my drift?

Lisa:  Sorry to disappoint you, Joe, but that wasn't a euphimism.  We only had lunch.

Joe:  You guys are no fun.

Lisa:  That you know of.

Joe:  You shouldn't tease me like that.  You know I could have this entire building rigged
          with cameras within a matter of an hour.  You can run, but you can't hide.  Then
          we'll just see if you can find a place to carry out your dirty business.

Lisa:  Well, then Dave is going to become a very repressed individual.  Being a man
          yourself, you know how hard that can be.  He might just decide to release his fury
          on your ass and fire you.

Joe:  Nuff said.  I'm gonna get back to work now.

Lisa:  You do that now.

Scene 9:  Dave's Office

          Dave and Beth are interviewing another candidate.

Beth:  Are you feeling better now, Dave?

Dave:  Yes.  I just needed some fresh air.

Beth:  (sarcastically)  I'll bet that's not all you needed.

Lisa:  (yelling from her office)  What is wrong with you people?  We just had lunch!  Is
          that . . .

          Dave shuts the door between their offices and sits back down.

Dave:  Sorry about that, Rob.  Where were we?

Rob:  Well, I worked for the N.Y.P.D. for fifteen years as a missing persons detective.

Dave:  Ah, so your investigative skills must be sharp.

Rob:  The sharpest.

Beth:  And you're from New York.  That's a definite plus.  Have you ever done any
          broadcasting before?

Rob:  Not unless you count the dispatch radio.

          Beth just stares at him.

Rob:  That was a joke.

Beth:  I realize that.  I assure you, I would have laughed if it was funny.

Dave:  Beth . . .

Rob:  Don't worry, Dave.  I can take it.

Beth:  Ooh, we got a real tough one here.

Dave:  Beth, I thought you were attracted to brawny policemen and fire fighters.

Beth:  (her secret is out)  Shut up, Dave!  You're ruining it.

Dave:  (dawning realization)  Oh . . . sorry.

Rob:  You think I'm sexy, huh?

Beth:  Well, maybe.

Dave:  Could we focus on the interview, please?

Rob:  Of course, I'm sorry.

Dave:  Okay.  What makes you think you can do this job effectively?

Rob:  After I left New York and moved up here, I had three of my novels published, so
          I'm definitely an experienced writer.

Beth:  You write?  What kind of novels?

Rob:  Police thrillers.

Beth:  Ooh la la.

Dave:  Well, I must say, even though your area of expertise doesn't reside in broadcast
          journalism, you seem to have enough experience in related fields to make you a
          suitable candidate.  The job is yours if you want it.

Rob:  Fantastic.  When can I start?

Dave:  How about today?  We can fill out the paperwork now.

Rob:  Sure.

Dave:  Beth, could you tell Lisa I finally found someone?

Beth:  Yeah.

          She walks over to the door and opens it to hear Lisa still yelling.

Lisa:  I mean is it too much to ask to have some semblance of a private life around here?
          Without everyone always assuming that all we ever do is . . .

          Beth cuts her off by slamming the door.

Beth:  I'll tell her when she's done ranting and raving.

Rob:  (amazed)  Was she talking that whole time?

Dave:  Yes, I believe she was.

Rob:  That's amazing.

Dave:  Just wait until you meet everyone else.  She's actually one of the saner ones.

Rob:  Wow.

Scene 10:  Newsroom

          Rob is sitting as his new desk when Max comes limping out of the breakroom and stumbles into the desk by accident.

Max:  My apologies.

Rob:  Oh, forget it.  You seem to be having trouble though.  Anything I can do to help?

Max:  Who are you?

Rob:  I'm the new producer.

Max:  Why hello there.  I'm Max Louis, the Voice of WNHX.

Rob:  I thought that was Lisa Miller.

Max:  (quietly)  You are quickly angering me.

Rob:  Sorry.  I don't want to get off on the wrong foot.  I'm Rob Mackey.  Nice to meet
          you.

Max:  I have one word of advice for you, Mr. Rob Mackey.  Do NOT let Lisa Miller take
          your job away too.  She'll weasel her way in.  She'll try to take it away piece by
          piece until there is nothing left for you to do.

Rob:  Okay.  A)  That's a hell of a lot more than one word.  B)  Why would you not
          having anything to do be a bad thing?

Max:  A)  Excuse me if I'm stupid.  B)  That's what I thought at first too, but then
          everyone started considering Lisa to be the Voice of WNHX.  You did it yourself.
          Protect your interests, my friend.  Pretty soon, that woman will be running both the
          paper and the station single-handedly.  Keep an eye on her, or she will bite you on
          the ass.  And there will be nothing sexual about it.

Rob:  I'll try my best.  Thanks, Max.

          Max limps away to the booth, where Lisa is reading the news.  Rob watches him walk inside and immediately start yelling at her and gesturing wildly.  Matthew walks up to Rob's desk.

Rob:  Hi.  Can I ask you something?  What is wrong with that man?

Matthew:  Don't go there.  I would like to tell you something though.

Rob:  Oh?  What's that . . .

Matthew:  Matthew Brock.  I'm the other reporter.  Anyway, I think you being hired for
          what rightfully should be my job is a big steaming pile of crap.

Rob:  Uh huh.  I'm guessing you don't like me.

Matthew:  Why would you think that?  I barely know you.

Rob:  Oh, I don't know.  Maybe the way you just told me you want my job?

Matthew:  I just had to get that off my chest.  That doesn't mean anything.  I mean, Lisa
          wanted Dave's job from the moment she met him, and they got together after about
          a week.  And she kept on wanting his job even after they jumped into bed.

Rob:  Are you suggesting we jump into bed?

Matthew:  No.  I'm just saying that just because I want your job doesn't mean we can't be
          friends.

Rob:  Fine.

          Dave, Beth, Jimmy, and Joe walk up to the desk.

Dave:  Joe, Mr. James, I'd like you both to meet Rob Mackey.

Jimmy:  Hi, Rob.  I hear you used to be a cop.  This is gonna be cool.  Now I get to play
          cops and robbers with a real cop.

Rob:  Yes, sir.

Beth:  I'll play too . . . as long as Detective Mackey uses real handcuffs that is.

Joe:  What is your obsession?

Beth:  Never mind.
Max and Lisa exit the booth, still arguing.

Max:  I'm not going to tell you.  Will you just leave me alone?

Dave:  Not going to tell her what?

Max:  Nothing.  Drop it.

Rob:  Um . . . if you don't mind my asking, Max, why are you limping?  Did you sprain
          your ankle or something?

Lisa:  That is exactly what I'm trying to find out.

Jimmy:  Um . . . Max was injured a few months back when a cow stepped on his foot.  He
          hasn't been able to walk right ever since.

Max:  That's right.

Matthew:  What?

Joe:  What the hell are you talking about?  That happened a long time ago.

Max:  My foot was severely injured, and the doctor hasn't been able to repair it
          completely.

Dave:  Who's your doctor?

Max:  Dr. Tanner.

Lisa:  Well, no wonder.  That's the vet I take Daisy to.

Rob:  Busted!

Max:  What?

Rob:  You're busted, Max Louis.

Jimmy:  Oh God, you're the PI, aren't you?

Rob:  Yes, I am.

Dave:  Would someone please tell me what is going on here?

Rob:  Mr. Louis here made an insurance claim a few months ago when a cow stepped on
          his foot.  I was hired to expose him and prove that his claim was fraudulent.

Joe:  What's your proof?

Rob:  The fact that the doctor that signed off on his claim is a veterinarian.  I can only
          assume you promised him a share of the money.

Max:  Damn you, Lisa Miller.  You just had to open your mouth.

Lisa:  Why didn't you tell us?

Max:  Would you have helped me if I had?
Lisa:  Not a chance in hell.

Max:  My point exactly.

Dave:  Max, if you were going to run an insurance scam, there were better ways to do it.
          You should have been pretending to limp ever since the cow incident took place.

Max:  I didn't know I could get a million dollars then.

Joe:  Dude, you should stick to radio.  You are completely inept at fraud.

Dave:  He's borderline inept at radio journalism as well.

Max:  No need to get nasty.
Dave:  Whatever, Max.  Rob, how much of what you told me in the interview was true?

Rob:  All of it.  I just left out the part about being a private investigator part time.  It's just
          a job on the side to pay the extra bills while my wife is at home with the baby for
          the next few months.

Beth:  What wife?  What baby?

Rob:  Sorry, Beth.  I'm a family man.

Beth:  Damn.

Dave:  Well, this may seem like a strange question, but do you still want the job?

Max:  How can you give the job to a guy who just ruined my plan to steal a million
          dollars?

Dave:  Because it was a moronic plan, Max, and you'll be lucky if you aren't arrested and
          sued.

Rob:  How about this?  You give me the job, and I'll talk my soon-to-be former boss into
          cutting Max a break.  The old man loves me.  He'll do anything I ask.

Dave:  Fine.  We have a deal.  However, I would have given you the job anyway.  I'm just
          relieved that the interview process is over.

Beth:  The least you could have done is to find someone single, Dave.  For me.

Dave:  Next time, Beth.  Next time.

Jimmy:  So the city councilman loves you, huh?

Rob:  Yes.  I do his dirty work.

Jimmy:  Well, you see, I kind of have a beef with him.  He kicked my ass a couple of
          weeks ago when one of my cows wandered onto his property.  This is the perfect
          revenge.  Now you're gonna do MY dirty work.  I'm stealing his right hand man.

Rob:  Whatever you say, sir.

Jimmy:  But leave time for cops and robbers on the side.

Rob:  Alrighty.

Matthew:  I wanna play too.

Max:  Me too.

Dave:  I thought you hated Rob, Max.
Max:  I do.  That doesn't mean I can't be his friend.

Matthew:  See?  That's what I was saying.

The End

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