|NewsRadio Episode 601: "Bombshell"
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, these characters are not mine. They belong to the one I refer to as God -- Paul Simms. I'll return the toys to his box when I'm done playing.
Author's Note: This is my first time posting any of my fanfic. I've been writing fanfic for years, but I never had the nerve to post it. I'm very interested in feedback -- good and bad, so please send it to NewsRadiator@hotmail.com. As for this story, it is the first in a twenty-four episode series. That's right, I'm righting my very own sixth season. Hey, I can dream, can't I? I don't know when or if I'll finish all twenty-four, but I'll try to be speedy. The 'if' depends on whatever feedback I get about this.
Summary: Dave and Matthew visit New Hampshire; Dave and Lisa argue over their past relationship after Dave learns that she is annulling her marriage to Johnny; A fireman's comments make Matthew wonder if he is gay.
Scene 1: Bullpen -- WNYX / Dave's Office
Dave walks in to find his new staff hard at work, not saying a word to each other. He sighs then walks into his office and almost drops his coffee when Matthew jumps out from behind the door.
Dave: Matthew, what the HELL are you doing?
Matthew: Well, duh . . . I'm scaring you. Geez.
Dave: Well, knock it off.
Matthew: Excuse me, Dave, but I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Ever since everyone left, it's been dead around here. David, the thrill is gone.
Dave: You know, as I recall, you had the opportunity to go with them. I don't see anyone using bodily force to keep you from leaving.
Matthew: I could never leave you, Dave. How could I leave you with THOSE PEOPLE?
(motions to the bullpen)
Dave: Matthew, right now the pressing question on my mind is how everyone else could leave me here with YOU.
Matthew: Brave talk, David. Brave talk. If I had gone with everyone else, you would still be weeping like a woman . . . to this day.
Dave: Sorry, but not everyone is as emotionally attached to his male friends as you are.
Matthew: Mock me all you want, but I know the truth. You miss them.
Dave: Of course I miss them. I just wish I had the chance to see whether or not I'd miss you.
Matthew: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. However, at least you admit the possibility that you would miss me. This is progress. Very good.
Dave: Matthew . . . please go away. I have work to do.
Matthew: Relax, Dave. Work is what THOSE people are for.
Dave: I see. So you're saying that now that the staff actually manages to get a reasonable amount of work done that you and I should sit on our asses and become slackers in order to pick up the slack that the other slackers left behind.
Dave: GET OUT!!
Matthew lunges for the door, forgetting to open it. He falls on the floor and loses consciousness. Dave looks up to God.
Dave: Why me? Of all the bastards on this planet, why did it have to be me?
Scene 2: Breakroom
Dave walks in to find Alyssa and Jerry, the supervising producer and electrician respectively, eating lunch and reading the paper. They don't even look up when he enters.
Dave: Hello, Alyssa . . . Jerry.
Alyssa and Jerry: Hi.
Dave: Whatcha up to?
Jerry: (looks at Dave like he's a moron) Eating lunch.
Dave: Come on, what do you say we get the staff together after work and go get drunk at that bar downstairs?
Alyssa: What are you insinuating? Are you going to try to take advantage of me in my inebriated state and then use some form of sexual blackmail to force me to do your bidding from this day forward?
Dave: What? No, I just thought it would be nice to get to know each other better. Not just you, the entire staff.
Alyssa: Damn. That would have made a dynamite lawsuit. No thanks, then.
Dave: Oh, come on. We hardly know each other.
Alyssa: What do you want to know?
Alyssa: Okay. I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce and custody battle.
Dave: I'm sorry to hear that, Alyssa, but that's exactly my point. You've been working here for four months, and I didn't even know you had kids.
Alyssa: Who said anything about kids? The custody battle is over the cat.
Dave: I see. Well, that's something. You and Matthew have something in common. You're both catlovers.
Alyssa: Dave, I resent the implication that I have anything in common with that freak. Besides, I hate cats. My soon-to-be-ex-husband, on the other hand, adores them. I'm doing this for spite.
Dave: Well, it's easy to see why you're getting a divorce.
Jerry: You know, Dave, I have to agree with Alyssa. I have no desire to associate with Matthew or anyone else from this office outside of work. I already have friends. I have a life outside of WNYX.
Dave: Jerry, don't rub it in.
Scene 5: Dave's Office
Matthew barges in the door to see Dave sitting behind his desk staring into space.
Matthew: Dave, I finally finished that Al Gore piece if you'd like to edit it right now. I took your advice and stopped picking up the slackers' slack.
Dave: Ah, you've comprehended my sarcasm.
Matthew: Well, you know me. Sometimes it takes me a while . . . and sometimes forever.
Dave: And sometimes never.
Matthew: Hey, you just rhymed.
Dave: Gold star for you, Matthew.
Matthew: Gee, thanks.
Dave: You know what? I don't like those people. They're boring.
Matthew: YOU think they're boring? At least they speak to you. Do you realize you're the only person in this office who has said more than two words to me in the last four months?
Dave: Considering some of the things I say to you, that is remarkably sad.
Matthew: Why? What's so bad about what you say to me?
Dave: Ask me again someday . . . when you're all grown up.
Matthew: Tell me now, Dave. I don't think I can wait that long.
Dave: Tough. Anyway, I think I'm going to visit everyone in New Hampshire for a week or so. Maybe I can talk Beth into bringing me coffee. I'm tired of having to get my own all the time.
Matthew: Well, if you'd just learn to pronounce your secretary's name . . .
Dave: I'm afraid it's a lost cause. So, if Alyssa takes over as News Director while I'm gone, dare I place all of the reporting responsibility in your hands?
Matthew: Wait, I wanna go with you.
Dave: I don't think so.
Matthew: Please, Dave!
Dave: Three hours in a car with you. Tell me, Matthew, do I appear suicidal to you?
Matthew: As a matter of fact . . .
Dave: (irritated) Fine! You can come.
Matthew: YES! (starts a conga chant) We're going to NEW HAMP-shire! Bah da bah da BAH-da!
Matthew dances out of the office, leaving Dave by himself.
Dave: It's going to be a long drive.
Scene 4: WNHX Newsroom
Beth launches herself at Dave as soon as he walks in.
Beth: Dave! Welcome back!
Dave: Beth, I've never been here before in my life.
Beth: Oh, yeah, well then welcome back to civilization.
Dave: Ah, no, that would be back in New York.
Beth: Dave, trust me on this one. Wherever I go, civilization follows.
Dave: Ah, sure, Beth. Where is everyone?
Beth: Joe created yet another device to remove the cows from Mr. James's property. He's giving a demonstration to Max and Mr. James.
Dave: By any chance does this device involve electrical shocks?
Beth: Take a wild guess. Hey, I thought Matthew was coming with you.
Dave: (mock surprise) What? This is news to me. Oh wait, so THAT's what that loud thud on the highway was.
Dave: He's in the men's room. I refused to stop on the way.
Beth: That's cruel.
Dave: I told him to go before we left.
Beth: And what if he had sprung a leak in your car?
Dave: I wish I had thought of that before.
Beth: Uh huh.
Dave: So where's Lisa?
Beth: You mean my boss?
Dave: You're working for the newspaper?
Beth: No, she has another secretary for the paper. I'm her radio secretary.
Dave: You mean to tell me that not only is Lisa the chief editor of the Collins County Register, but she's also single-handedly running this station as well?
Beth: Yeah. She coordinates everything from her office at the paper.
Beth: Her office is right on the other side of that wall over there. Mr. James designed a building that houses both the station and the paper.
Dave: Wow. When does Lisa find the time to sleep?
Beth: Actually, she's started sleeping in her office.
Dave: Why is she doing this?
Beth: You know Lisa -- the classic overachiever. When we first came up here, Mr. James fired the News Director because of a difference of opinion. Lisa took over temporarily because Mr. James assured her that you'd come to your senses sooner or later and come up here.
Dave: Beth, that was four months ago. He's insane!
Beth: That is a discussion for another day and time. Anyway, as for Lisa, I'm sure given her current state of mind, she really doesn't notice the extra work. She probably even welcomes it.
Dave: Current state of mind? What are you talking about?
Beth: She IS going through a rough time right now. Don't you two talk?
Dave: She called a couple of months ago just to say hi. Come to think of it, she did sound depressed.
Beth: Well, now you know why.
Dave: No, Beth, I don't. You haven't told me anything.
Beth: Sorry, Dave, but if Lisa hasn't told you, then I'm not going to.
Dave: Is it about her husband?
Beth: Shhhhh! None of the New Hampshire people even know she's married. (mysteriously) And they never will.
Dave: She's divorcing him while he's in prison?
Beth: Not quite. Stop asking questions.
Dave: Oh, just tell me, dammit.
Beth: Okay, fine. She's in the process of getting an annulment.
Beth: You know, the marriage is declared null and void . . . blah de blah blah blah.
Dave: That must be awful for her.
Beth: Oh, shut it, Dave. You're cheering on the inside, and you know it.
Dave: (mock shyly) Well, maybe just a little.
Beth: Right. Don't mention this to anyone. I'm the only one she told.
Dave: Why? Is she embarrassed?
Beth: Talk to her, not to me. I've said too much already. Her office is right over there. It connects to the News Director's office, which I can't help but notice is currently vacant.
Dave: Yeah yeah.
Scene 5: Lisa's Office
When Dave walks in, Lisa is sitting behind her desk conversing with her secretary, Brett Thomas.
Lisa: Tell the congressman if he wants to set the record straight that he's going to have to call me immediately. Otherwise, the story gets printed as is. Congress needs a swift kick in the ass anyway.
Dave: Hey, I know that line.
She rushes up and hugs him tightly.
Lisa: It's so good to see you.
Dave: You look great, Lisa.
Lisa: So do you. Haven't changed a bit. Dave, this is Brett Thomas, my assistant.
Brett: Secretary. Nice to meet you, Dave. Will you be staying in New Hampshire permanently?
Dave: Uh . . . I don't know. For now, I'm just visiting.
Brett: Sorry to hear that. I'll see you later.
Brett leaves, and Dave takes a seat on the couch. Lisa sits on the edge of the desk and faces him.
Dave: What is this? People I've just met are trying to convince me to stay. Jimmy has me cornered from all possible angles.
Lisa: He misses you. We all do.
Dave: I miss you guys too.
Lisa: Matthew's not your idea of adequate companionship?
Dave: Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't show up at my apartment at all hours of the night just to be sure that I'm not "dying of loneliness." But actually, he's not even my biggest problem. It's the rest of the staff that are driving me crazy.
Lisa: Have you been making eyes at my replacement?
Dave: Hardly. She's a bitch.
Lisa: I could be at times too. That never stopped you.
Dave: No comment. I seem to recall that word getting me into quite a bit of trouble on two separate occasions.
Lisa: Yes, it most certainly did, and you learned your lesson well.
Dave: Uh huh. So how are you doing? Beth told me of your dual professional life in both radio and print journalism.
Lisa: And about my sleeping in the office.
Dave: Uh huh.
Lisa: And about my annulment.
Lisa: Don't play stupid with me, Dave. You're a terrible liar. You always have been.
Dave: Okay, yes, she accidentally let it slip out.
Lisa: Accidentally my ass. This is Beth we're talking about.
Dave: Point taken, and whatever the case may be, I'm sorry.
Lisa: No, you're not. Hell, even I'm not. I never loved Johnny.
Dave: Okay, this may come across as incredibly naive, but WHY did you marry him?
Lisa: I thought I loved him at the time, but I realize now that it was all in my head. I was probably just lonely. It was all too sudden. Like I've told you before though, most of the important decisions in my life have happened exactly that way -- a spur of the moment realization. Until now, all of those decisions have been the right ones. That system was bound to screw up sooner or later.
Dave: And you ended up married to an evil man as a result.
Lisa: Big screw up, huh?
Dave: Royal. Well, it's not too late. I'm sure you'll find a nice square-dancing volunteer fireman up here.
Lisa: Nah. Beth's already corrupted all of them.
Dave: What about your "assistant"? He seems nice.
Lisa: Brett? Dave, Brett is gay.
Dave: Oh? He doesn't show it.
Lisa: Well, they don't wear a sign. Actually, scratch that. They do wear signs. If you meet a really good guy, you know he must be gay.
Dave: Hey, I'm a good guy.
Lisa gives him a blank expression.
Lisa: Oh, relax. I'm just kidding. Besides, Brett is pretty flagrant. He just has to get to know you better before he lets loose.
Dave: Wait a minute. If Brett's gay . . . . You don't think that's why he asked if I was going to be staying permanently, do you?
Lisa: Someone certainly has a high opinion of himself.
Scene 6: Pasture
Joe, Max, and Jimmy are all standing in the field next to the cows. Beth and Matthew are sitting in her Miata, out of earshot.
Jimmy: Joe, are you sure this won't kill the cows?
Joe: Well, I could test it on Max first. He's roughly the same size.
Max: I was all set to do it until you insulted me
Joe: No, it won't kill the cows. It'll just give `em a hell of a jolt. Come on, it'll be fun.
. . . in the car . . .
Matthew: What are they doing?
Beth: They're moving the cows off the property.
Matthew: Didn't Mr. James do that when he first moved up here?
Beth: Matthew, the man has nothing to do all day. His retirement consists of hanging out at the station and a never-ending cycle of moving cows and then bringing them back to start the process all over again.
Beth: Joe's been coming up with a different way to do it every time.
. . . back on the pasture . . .
Jimmy: Okay, let's let this baby rip.
Joe: Here goes nothing.
Joe presses the button on the remote, and the bull gets a jolt. It then proceeds to turn around and chase them through the pasture.
Max: Hey! There's Beth and Spaz! Run for your lives!
They race to the car and pile in the two-seater as Beth drives off with the bull charging behind.
Jimmy: (on top of Matthew) Damn, I need to find a new hobby.
Scene 7: Lisa's Office
Dave: Lisa, I don't understand. You're still young. You're beautiful. You had a great job at WNYX and plenty of opportunities for advancement. Why were you lonely?
Lisa: Dave, how many dates have you had since we broke up?
Dave: Five. Three different women.
Lisa: And why didn't any of them go anywhere?
Dave: They were all threatened by the fact that I still worked with and had a close friendship with my ex-girlfriend.
Lisa: Whom you were with for almost three years. I ran into the exact same problem.
Dave: So why didn't you quit?
Lisa: Why should I have? If the guy is going to be overcome by jealousy, then he's not worth it in the first place.
Dave: Did it ever occur to you to look right under your nose?
Lisa: Excuse me?
Dave: Did it ever occur to you that maybe we should have given it another shot?
Lisa: Dave, you're the one who broke up with me. Don't give me that.
Dave: I realize that, but we never really talked about it.
Lisa: Well, I'm sorry I didn't feel like discussing the fact that you decided you didn't love me anymore.
Dave: What are you talking about?
Lisa: I know you said it was because you thought we needed to concentrate on work, but I knew the real reason.
Dave: Well, you're wrong. It's neither.
Lisa: Then enlighten me. Why did you break up with me two years ago?
Dave: I truly thought you knew. I broke things off because you didn't want to get married.
Lisa: Come again.
Scene 8: WNHX Newsroom
Jimmy, Beth, Matthew, Max, and Joe all walk in with dazed expressions on their faces. Max goes into the booth.
Jimmy: You know, Joe, I really don't think I'm going to be needing your services anymore.
Joe: I'm fired?
Jimmy: Not from the station. You can keep that job. Just no more shocking cows. I don't think my heart could take anymore of what happened today.
Joe: Good. I was running out of stray cats to test my devices on.
Matthew gives Joe a horrified look before lunging at him and taking him to the ground. He places his foot on Joe’s chest to keep him down.
Matthew: You heartless torturer!
Joe: Relax, dude. I'm just jokin' around. I didn't use any cats as test subjects. I swear.
Matthew: Joseph, that was not funny. It was very hard for me to come up here without my cats.
Joe gets back up after Matthew takes his foot off his chest.
Beth: Who's taking care of them?
Matthew: My mother.
Beth: So if your mother is in New York taking care of your cats, who's taking care of you?
Matthew: I hadn't really thought of that. Dave, I guess.
Beth: I think we ought to give Dave a break for a while, don't you?
Matthew: You're probably right. Okay, who wants to take care of me for the next week?
Jimmy: Matthew, do you have any idea how pathetic that sounds coming from a man of your age?
Matthew: Mr. James, I wouldn't be asking if there wasn't a necessity.
Joe: Dude, don't worry. You're in good hands.
Matthew: You'll do it, Joe?
Joe: Now that I'm no longer a Bovine Removal Technician, I've got some extra time on my hands.
Jimmy: Dear Lord, please have mercy on this poor innocent bastard.
Beth: Which one?
Jimmy: Haven't decided yet. Can't tell which one of them's worse off.
Scene 9: Lisa's Office
Dave and Lisa are at opposite ends of the room. He's still on the couch. She's standing in the corner with her back to him. Jimmy and Beth walk in unannounced.
Jimmy: Hey, gang.
Beth: Gee, it's just like old times in here. Brrrrr . . .
Dave: Hi, Mr. James.
Jimmy: Dave, my boy. I've missed ya. We need ya up here. Lisa's runnin' herself ragged trying to do two jobs at once, aren't ya Lisa?
Jimmy: Beth, you're right. It is just like old times. Now what the hell is goin' on with you two? What could you possibly be fighting about after about a half an hour of seeing each other?
Dave: Yeah, it's nothing.
Beth: Yeah, right.
Dave and Lisa give her an icy glare.
Jimmy: Okay, anyway, Dave, what are you planning on doing for the next week?
Dave: I don't know, sir. I hadn't figured that out yet.
Jimmy: Well, how about you run the station and give Lisa a little break? You never know, you may decide you like it up here.
Dave: Is that okay with you, Lisa?
Lisa: Do whatever you want, Dave.
Jimmy: Great. So I assume you're staying at the cabin with the rest of us?
Dave: You all live together at the cabin.
Jimmy: Sure, sure. It's a big ass cabin, Dave. You could get lost in it. Hell, you could go a week without seeing the rest of us at all. Of course that would defeat the purpose of your visit, but you get my point.
Dave: Amazingly enough, yes, I do. So I guess I'll go there now and drop off my stuff.
Jimmy: That's fine. I'll take you and Matthew both right now. I had been planning on shocking cows well into the evening until Joe screwed up my whole day.
Dave: I'm sure you'll tell me all about it, sir.
Jimmy: We're outta here, ladies. Goodnight.
Lisa: Goodnight, sir.
Jimmy and Dave leave the office. Lisa falls face down on the couch and pulls the cushion over her head. Beth stares at her like she's lost her mind. Lisa stifles a groan.
Beth: What gives?
Lisa: Thank you for spilling my secret, Beth.
Beth: I know, I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean to. I just mentioned you were going through a tough time, and he kept asking questions. He was concerned. So what happened in here?
Lisa: I explained the situation with Johnny, and Dave and I got into this big discussion about why we broke up in the first place.
Beth: You guys didn't do it, did you?
Lisa: Of course not.
Beth: Okay, because I just know how you two used to get when you started yelling.
Lisa: We weren't yelling. Just the opposite actually. There was this icy silence.
Beth: Why? What was said?
Lisa: He says he broke up with me because I didn't want to get married.
Beth: WHAT? When did he ask?
Lisa: Never. That's just it. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. Unless . . .
Beth: Unless what?
Lisa: Oh my God, I am such an idiot.
She flips back over and puts the cushion back over her head. Beth continues to stare at her and wonder about her sanity.
Scene 10: Dave's Bedroom
Jimmy bursts through the door, jolting Dave upright.
Jimmy: Yeah, I wish. Rise and shine, Davie.
Dave: What time is it?
Jimmy: Eight a.m.
Dave: Sir, I'm on vacation. Besides, it's a Saturday.
Jimmy: So what? Come on, Dave. Wake up and smell the coffee.
Dave: Did you say coffee?
Jimmy: You know it. Beth just brewed a fresh pot. Get it before it's gone.
Dave: I'll be right there.
Jimmy: Oh, one more thing, Dave. Being as it is Saturday, tonight's square-dancing night at the volunteer fire department. You gonna go out there and strut your stuff?
Dave: Oh, I don't know, sir. They don't do much square-dancing where I'm from.
Jimmy: Oh, come on, Dave. It'll be fun. Everyone from the office will be there.
Dave: Seriously? Do they dance?
Jimmy: Max does. The others just watch.
Dave: What about Lisa? Does she go?
Jimmy: Sure. The newspaper is very community-oriented. It's important for her to get out there and be seen.
Jimmy: Oh, I see. You two are avoiding each other already. Dave, when I told you you could get lost in this cabin, I didn't intend for you to really do it. What the hell is wrong with you two? You fight like brother and sister.
Dave: (pauses with a disgusted look on his face) Sir, considering our past relationship, I find that analogy a little . . . well, disgusting is the first word that comes to mind.
Jimmy: Well, how the hell do you think it looks to the rest of us? Anyway, just show up tonight, and at least make an effort to be civil.
Dave: I'll try, Mr. James.
Jimmy: I better go warn the others to watch out for World War III tonight.
Dave: If you feel you must. Now, sir, with all due respect, get the hell out my way. You're standing between me and the coffee.
Jimmy: That's the grumpy little bastard I know and love.
Dave: I thought I was the cantankerous little monkey.
Jimmy: They're interchangeable.
Scene 11: Fire Department
Dave, Joe, and Matthew are watching Max dance with the firemen.
Dave: Joe, I can't believe you’re willing to be seen here.
Joe: Dude, it's worth any possible humiliation just to see Max square-dancing.
They all watch Max.
Dave: Yes, this is amusing.
Matthew: I think it looks like fun.
Joe: Matthew, no! As my first act as your temporary guardian, I can't let you go out there and act like an idiot. Trust me.
Matthew: But Joe . . .
Joe: Dude, no. You'll thank me later.
Matthew: Aw, nuts.
Dave: Max is actually pretty good.
Joe: You would know being a tap enthusiast and all.
Dave: First of all, Joe, while there are similarities between tap dancing and square-dancing, they are not the same thing. The key difference is that one only makes you look like a partial idiot while the other rips away every shred of dignity you have. Square-dancing is much more embarrassing.
Joe: Speaking from personal experience?
Dave: I am not having this conversation again.
Dave spots Lisa walk in and begins heading towards her.
Dave: Excuse me, guys.
He finally reaches her as she turns around and sees him for the first time.
Lisa: Hey. Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday.
Dave: No, I'm sorry. I should've kept my mouth shut. There was no reason to confuse you even further when you're in the middle of this thing with Johnny.
Lisa: In an odd sort of way, a lot of things are much clearer now -- like the reason you broke up with me two years ago. Unfortunately, in the process, you've confused the hell out of me about what I'm supposed to do now.
Dave: I'm here to serve. So you really do understand?
Lisa: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I agree with your reasoning.
Dave: What do you mean?
Lisa: When you said you thought I didn't want to get married, I had to wrack my brain to
figure out what you were talking about. Then it hit me. When I told you I wanted a baby, you said you wanted to get married first.
Dave: And you said you didn't want to.
Lisa: No, I didn't Dave. I didn't know you were asking! You said you wanted to get married at "an unspecified time in the near future." That didn't sound like a proposal to me.
Dave: It wasn't. I just realized you didn't want to get married based on your reaction to the mere mention of the word.
Lisa: See, that's where you're wrong, Dave.
Dave: So what are you saying? If it had been a proposal, are you telling me you would have said yes?
Lisa: That's not relevant now, Dave. All I said was that just because two people have a baby together doesn't mean they have to get married.
Dave: Just answer the question.
Lisa: All right! Yes, I would have said yes if you had asked.
Dave: (yells) Well, damn it all to hell!!!!!
Scene 12: Fire Department
Beth is surrounded by volunteer firemen holding out plates for her.
Beth: Oh, boys, you're going to ruin my girlish figure.
Max rushes up.
Max: I'll eat it if you don't want it.
Beth: Buzz off, Max.
Max. But . . .
Beth: Max, I'm WORKING here!
Max. Oh, so the truth comes out! You're a working girl!
Beth: Max, if you don't get out of here right now, I'm going to get Lisa to revoke your food in the workplace privileges.
He dashes off.
Beth: Now, where were we?
Scene 13: Fire Department
Matthew is serving himself at the buffet when a fireman approaches.
Matthew: Oh, hi. I'm Matthew Brock. I'm from New York.
Shane: You don't say.
Matthew: So . . . Shane . . . you're a fireman. That must be really awesome. You get to wear a hat and ride the big red truck. Tell me something, though. Is it true what they say about chicks really digging men in uniform?
Shane: You don't have to pretend with me, buddy. I have nothing against homosexuals.
Shane: You're the gayest son of a bitch I've ever met.
Shane: It's a fact.
Matthew: Interesting. You're not the first to tell me that. I wonder if you're on to something there.
Shane: You mean you don't know?
Matthew: (proudly) No, no. See . . . I've had sex.
Shane: I'm happy for ya, buddy.
Matt: I was twenty-eight at the time of course, but hey, that's gotta count for something.
Shane: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna leave now.
Scene 14: Fire Department
Dave and Lisa are still arguing.
Dave: I can't believe this! Why didn't you tell me?
Lisa: Don't blame this on me, Dave. You broke up with me for some phony reason and didn't bother to tell me the truth. If you had been honest, I could have set you straight, and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. I wouldn't be going through an annulment as we speak. I wouldn't have spent the last two years thinking you just suddenly stopped loving me.
Dave: How could I just stop loving you? I never have.
Lisa: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Dave: Well, what the hell? I seem to be on a roll here. Yes, I still love you. I never stopped.
Lisa: Excuse me, Dave. I think I've had about all I can handle for two days.
Dave: I'm sorry, Lisa.
Lisa: Hey, that last part is certainly flattering. I just need to go back to the cabin and hit something really hard to get out my anger at all the other crap!
Dave: I'm sorry.
Lisa: Don't mention it! If I don't see you at the cabin, I'll see you Monday.
Scene 15: Fire Department
Matthew runs up to Joe
Matthew: Joe, I think I might be gay.
Matthew: One of the firemen said I was the gayest son of a bitch he'd ever met.
Joe: You're gonna take someone else's word for it?
Matthew: Well, I'm not positive. I said I think I might be gay.
Joe: Dude, are you attracted to men?
Matthew: Not sexually, but emotionally, yes. You know how dependent I am on you guys.
Joe: Matthew, I don't think this is what I had in mind when I agreed to take care of you this week. I'm not a shrink. This is not something I can help you with.
Matthew: Well, thanks so much, Joseph. I thought I was your friend.
Joe: You are, Spaz, but this is something outside my area of expertise. Talk to Brett, Lisa's secretary at the paper. He's gay. He might be able to help.
Joe: Dude, just one question. Why are you just now considering this possibility?
Matthew: Well, as far as I can count . . .
Joe: Not very far at all.
Matthew: Fireman Shane is the fifth stranger this month alone to suggest I was gay.
Joe: Thank God you can count to five, dude.
Scene 16: Lisa's Office
Dave walks in to find Lisa lying on the couch. She is sleeping, but she wakes up at the noise.
Dave: Sorry to wake you.
Lisa: It's okay.
She starts to sit up, but Dave sits down quickly and pushes her back down to where she is leaning against him.
Dave: I just wanted to apologize again for everything that's been going on the last few days.
Lisa: It's not all your fault, Dave. I haven't exactly been understanding of your point of view. The more I think about it, I can see why you thought what you did about my reluctance when it came to marriage. I never gave you any encouraging signals in that regard.
Dave: I should have talked to you about it instead of just spontaneously deciding to break things off.
Lisa: Now we're even. Your spontaneous decision led to one big ass mistake, and mine led to one royal screw up.
Dave: Yes, but at least I'm not married to the incarnation of evil.
Lisa laughs against him, and he wraps his arm around her.
Scene 17: WNHX Newsroom
Jimmy, Matthew, Beth, Max, and Joe are all sitting at the conference table waiting for Dave and Lisa to show up.
Beth: Where are Dave and Lisa? What are the odds of them both being late?
Jimmy: Who knows? When I saw that they weren't at the cabin this morning, I assumed they just went to work early.
Joe: What's up with them anyway? Last weekend, it was the storm of the century. Now for the last week, it's been blue skies all around.
Max: You're basing their relationship on a weather pattern?
Beth: Shut up, Max. Besides, who said anything about a relationship? After two years, the odds of Dave and Lisa getting back together are pretty slim.
Joe: Didn't her annulment come through this week though?
Beth: Yes, but technically you're not supposed to know that, so shut up.
Joe: Hey, Max is the one who opened her mail. It's not my fault.
Jimmy: What made you open her mail in the first place, Max?
Max: It had Johnny's name on it too. I was curious.
Joe: Dude, what is your obsession with him?
Max: He's so cool.
Beth: Yes, he's cool. He's also evil.
Max: That's a matter of opinion.
Jimmy: Matthew, you're awfully quiet. What do you think of all of this?
Matthew: Who cares?
Jimmy: Son, you usually care more than most about this kind of stuff.
Matthew: I'm disenchanted with heterosexual relationships at the moment.
Joe: Save it for the shrink, Spaz.
Joe: Nothing. We're not discussing it.
Dave and Lisa walk in hand in hand.
Joe: (winking at Beth) Uh, Dave, you do realize you're holding the hand of a "married" woman?
Dave: Joe, don't worry. We know about Max opening the mail. We're not completely oblivious to the goings on around here.
Lisa: Yes, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you all earlier about the annulment. It's just not something I wanted to talk about.
Jimmy: So what's the story now?
Dave: I think it's pretty obvious.
Joe: You guys are back together?
Lisa: Yes. We think we've worked out a few of the issues that were bothering us in the past.
Joe: You know, I remember the last time you guys got back together a few years ago. Dave said something about like that.
Dave: Well, this time we mean it. So, are we done discussing this?
Jimmy: Yeah, sure, Dave. One thing though. Does this mean I have a new News Director?
Lisa: I am gladly relinquishing my position to Dave here.
Dave: When do I start, sir?
Jimmy: Well, I'll be a son of a gun.
Everyone notices Matthew has a look of concern on his face.
Lisa: What's wrong, Matthew? We figured you'd be thrilled.
Matthew: Oh, I'm just thinking. If Fireman Shane is right about me, and I move up here . . . well, I'm just thinking about the millions of potential male partners I'd be leaving behind in New York. What are the odds of finding a suitable guy up here in New Hampshire?
Everyone Except Joe: Huh?
Joe just grimaces.
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