NewsRadio Episode 6:  "Liar, Liar"
by NewsRadiator

Summary:  Dave's college nemesis comes for a visit and invites him to a poker game. 
Dave begs Lisa to teach him how to lie;  Matthew decides to become a
bodybuilder; Beth enlists Jimmy's help in coming up with new business ideas.

Author's Note:  Please send all feedback -- good or bad -- to

Standard Disclaimer:  I don't own most of these characters.  I'm just borrowing them
from the toybox.  They'll be returned in "relatively" the same condition. :)

"Liar, Liar"

Scene 1:  Cabin Kitchen

Joe and Beth are rummaging in the cabinets when Matthew walks in wearing a
muscle t-shirt.  He is sweating profusely.

Matthew:  Morning, guys.  What's for breakfast?

Joe and Beth just stare at him.

Beth:  Um . . . Matthew?

Matthew:  Yeah, what up?

Beth:  Why are you wearing a muscle t-shirt?

Joe:  More importantly, why are you wearing MY t-shirt?

Matthew:  Oh, sorry, I borrowed it last night when you guys were at the movie theater.

Joe:  That's not what I asked.

Beth:  And why are you sweating?

Matthew:  Well, all of your questions will be answered if you'll just follow me.

Joe:  This better be good.

Scene 2:  Cabin Weight Room

Matthew leads them into the weight room and points to the weight bench.

Matthew:  (grandly)  I . . . have decided to become a professional bodybuilder.

Joe:  No, you haven't.

Matthew:  Yes . . . I have.

Beth:  Matthew, why?

Matthew:  Chicks dig it.

Beth:  Take it from me.  They don't.  It's disgusting.

Matthew:  Well, you're not like most women.

Beth:  And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Joe:  Cool it.  Matthew, how much can you bench press?

Matthew:  Whatever weight you left on it last night after you were done.

Joe and Beth look over at the bar.  There is quite a bit of weight on it.

Joe:  Dude, that's funny.

Beth:  Why don't you show us?

Joe:  Beth, are you crazy?  He'll kill himself if he tries to lift that much!

Beth:  Joe, this is just too hilarious to pass up.  I've gotta see it.

Matthew:  Don't worry, Joe.  Just watch . . . and learn from the master.

Joe:  Okay, that's it.  You're on your own.

Matthew:  Good.  Now I tried this earlier this morning, and I didn't exactly get it all
the way up, but I'm feeling better about it this time.  I think I can do it.

Beth:  Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Joe:  Since when did you derive pleasure from watching Matthew hurt himself?

Beth:  It's a sick, twisted obsession.  Nevermind.

Joe:  Aren't all of your obsessions sick and twisted?

Beth:  Can we just get on with this?

Matthew lays down on the bench and immediately drops the bar onto his chest.

Joe:  You gonna lift it up now?

Matthew:  (choking out)  Can't . . . breath . . .

Beth:  Joe!

Joe:  Alright, alright.

Scene 3:  Newsroom

Dave and Lisa are sitting at the conference table, reading the newspaper and
eating their breakfast.

Lisa:  Oh my God!

Dave:  (looks up, startled)  What?

Lisa:  I forgot all about that fund-raiser we're supposed to go to tonight.

Dave:  What fund-raiser?

Lisa:  You know, the dinner for the free press fanatics . . . in Manchester.

Dave:  Dammit, I forgot too.  Wait, weren't we supposed to make speeches?

Lisa:  Yes.  I can't believe this.

Dave:  The nation's top journalists are going to be there, and I'm going to make a
fool out of myself because I didn't prepare anything in advance.

Lisa:  We still have a day.

Dave:  Lisa, you know this about me.  I can't just slap something down on paper.

Lisa:  Dave, you're going to have to.  The school nurse isn't going to get you out
of this one.

Dave:  Yes, well, if I had your instantaneous wit and intelligence, I wouldn't have
to worry about this.  I could just fly by the seat of my pants.

Lisa:  Yes, but don't feel bad.  We can't all be that lucky.

Dave:  Thank you so much for making me feel better.  It must be nice up there,
looking down at all the rest of us.

Lisa:  Oh, stop being a baby.  You'll do fine.

Dave:  You think so?

Lisa:  I know so.  Just relax and have faith in yourself.

Dave:  Okay.  I can do this.

Lisa:  Exactly.

Suddenly, they are interrupted when Randy Wilson walks up to the conference
table and slaps Dave on the back.

Randy:  Hey, shortstuff!  What's happenin'?

Dave looks up with horror in his eyes.

Dave:  Randy Wilson.  It's been a long time.

He gets up and shakes his hand.

Randy:  Sure has.  I haven't seen you since graduation.

Dave:  (seriously)  Yes, I was avoiding you.

Randy:  (laughing)  You always were the jokester, Dave.  So how have you been?  Up
here in the boonies broadcasting about runaway cows and the like?

Dave:  Actually, I spent the last five years in Manhattan at WNYX.  If you paid any
attention to industry literature, you'd know this.

Randy:  (smugly)  Yeah, well you know, I don't really read much about radio.  Not
my industry.  Television keeps me pretty busy.  You know how it is.

Dave:  Oh, and who are you working for now?

Randy:  What, you radio people never turn on the television?

Dave:  Just like you never turn on the radio.

Randy:  Ah.  Well, I don't quite believe you, Dave.  I can always tell when you're
lying.  You know damn well who I work for.  Maybe this will ring a bell.
"This is Randall Wilson, reporting live from Washington.  Back to you, Dan."

Dave:  No wonder.  We watch Peter Jennings.

Randy:  We?

Dave:  Oh, yes.  Randy, this is Lisa Miller.  Lisa, Randy and I went to college together.

Lisa:  Nice to meet you, Randy.

Randy:  (turning on the charm)  Wait a minute.  THE Lisa Miller . . . of WNYX?

Lisa:  Formerly of WNYX, yes.

Randy:  I'd just like to say, I thoroughly enjoyed your news broadcasts whenever I was
in New York.

Lisa:  Well, thank you, Randy.

Dave:  I thought you didn't know anything about WNYX, Randy.

Randy:  I just know about the talent.

Dave:  (seething)  So what brings you here, Randy?

Randy:  Oh, I'm visiting Manchester to report on the little fund-raiser the local free
press coalition is holding.

Dave:  Manchester is an hour away.

Randy:  Yes, well, while I was up here, I thought I'd try to score an interview with
Jimmy James.

Dave:  Uh huh.  Did you?

Randy:  Yeah, yeah.  For a man who talks so much, he really doesn't have anything of
value to say, does he?  Anyway, he mentioned your name in passing, so I thought
I'd come down here and say hello.

Dave:  Hello.  Done yet?

Randy:  And . . . I'd like to invite you to a poker game that I'm having with some of
my journalist friends tonight after the dinner.

Dave:  What friends?

Randy:  Oh, just some of the most famous names in the business . . . the television
journalism business that is.  I'm sure you wouldn't know them seeing as you
never turn on the tube.

Lisa:  Ha! Never turns on the tube . . . I wish.

Dave gives her a silencing glare.

Dave:  I'll let you know, Randy.  I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.

Randy:  Right.  (suavely takes Lisa's hand and kisses it)  Lisa, a pleasure.  I hope
to see you again sometime soon.

Lisa:  I'll be there tonight.

Randy:  Excellent.  I'll be waiting.  (to Dave)  See you later, Dave.

He leaves.  Dave looks after him.

Dave:  That arrogant, pompous son of a bitch.

Lisa:  Bad blood?

Dave:  (sarcastically)  Was it that obvious?  I mean, just look at the way he tried
to seduce you right in front of me.  It's disgusting.

Lisa:  Does he know that we're together?

Dave:  Of course he does.  He wouldn't have done it otherwise.

Lisa:  Hey!  Are you saying the only way a man would find me attractive enough to
seduce is if he has an ulterior motive?

Dave:  Lisa, I'm not in the mood for this right now.

Lisa:  What's wrong between you two?

Dave:  That man spent four years of college tormenting me and making a fool of me
every chance he got . . . all in the name of a little friendly competition. 
Well, let me tell you, it was NOT friendly.  It was cruel.

Joe walks up.  He heard Dave's last comment.

Joe:  Did he make you take tap lessons?

Dave:  No.

Joe:  Did he coerce you into learning ventriloquism?

Dave:  No.

Beth walks up.

Beth:  Did he force you to join an all male a capella group?

Dave:  No.

Joe:  Then it seems to me that you didn't need any help in making a fool of yourself.
It was all you.

Dave:  Don't you two have anything better to do than eavesdrop?

Beth:  Uh, let me think.  Uh . . . NO!

Dave:  Whatever.  Can we start the meeting?

Beth:  Um, Matthew just got back home from the ER after a bench press accident, and
Mr. James has informed me that Rob the new producer will not be attending
any morning meetings from this point forward because mornings are when the
former detective does his dirty work for him.

Joe:  What dirty work?  Jimmy's retired.  What does he need done that's so secretive?

Dave:  I don't know, and I don't particularly care.  Somebody find Max and tell him
the meeting's cancelled.  I'll be in my office.

Beth:  Alrighty, Dave. 

Dave:  Lisa, can I talk to you in here for a second?

Lisa:  Sure.

Lisa follows him into his office.

Scene 4:  Dave's Office

As soon as they are through the door, he slams it behind them and corners Lisa.

Lisa:  What's wrong?

Dave:  You have to teach me how to lie.

Lisa:  What?  Why?

Dave:  Randy!  He invited me to that poker game.  He'll kick my ass.  He said himself
that he knows when I'm lying.  You have to teach me how to lie.  It seems to
be what you do best.

Lisa:  Hey!  Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I abuse it.

Dave:  That's fascinating.  Now just teach me, dammit . . . I mean please.

Lisa:  Why would I possibly want to teach you how to lie?  You'll just turn around
and use it for evil purposes.

Dave:  What evil purposes?

Lisa:  You'll use it on me.

Dave:  (rolls his eyes)  No, I won't.  I promise.

Lisa:  You promise to use it for good . . . never for evil?

Dave:  Okay, now you sound like Jimmy.  Could we just get on with this?

Lisa:  Fine.  I'll teach you.

Dave:  Thank you.  I owe you bigtime.

Lisa:  (smiling)  We'll work out a method of payment later.  For now, we've got to
get rid of your twitch.

Dave:  What twitch?

Lisa:  There's this thing you do whenever you lie.  It's a dead giveaway.

Dave:  Is that the only thing?  The twitch?

Lisa:  No.  There's also your stutter.

Dave:  Fabulous.  I'm never going to get this in one day.  Is that it?

Lisa doesn't answer.

Dave:  Lisa?

Lisa:  Well, there's one other thing, but I don't want to tell you what it is.

Dave:  Why the hell not?

Lisa:  Because then *I'll* never be able to tell when you're lying.

Dave:  Well, unfortunately, Randy WILL if you don't tell me.

Lisa:  No, he won't.  Trust me, it's something only I would notice.  Now, let's get
to work.  We have a lot to accomplish.

Scene 5:  Newsroom

Matthew walks into the office and sits down at his desk.  Joe comes up
to him.

Joe:  What are you doing here?  The doctor sent you home.

Matthew:  Well, if I'm going to be a bodybuilder, I need to learn how to tough
things out.

Joe:  Dude, you have broken ribs.  You need to be resting.

Matthew:  Don't worry about me, Joe.  I'm going to take it like a man.

Joe:  You're not trying to overcompensate because you still have lingering doubts
about your sexuality, are you?

Matthew:  Joe, I don't have any lingering doubts.  I'm doing this because I want to
feel good about my body for once.  I want others to admire it.

Joe:  You want us to admire your body?  Is that why you're always getting naked around
the office?

Matthew:  You finally catch on.

Joe:  Well, I'm sorry I didn't tell you how sexy you look.

Matthew:  Joe, obviously, I didn't want to hear it from you guys.  I wanted to hear it
from the women around the office.

Joe:  Oh my God.  Showing up naked is your idea of a come on.

Matthew:  Dare to be different, Joseph.

Joe:  You are the most daring son of a bitch I've ever met.  I guess you are a real man
after all.

Matthew:  Thank you.  Now go forth and tell the females.

Joe:  Tell them what?  That you're the best kept secret in town?

Matthew:  You know it, dude.  Just wait until they get a load of my six pack.

Joe:  Matthew, for the time being, I think a six pack of beer is your best bet at
getting lucky with the ladies.  Don't worry though.  You'll get a real six
pack if you keep working.  The key is to start out slow.  Lift only the weight
that you can handle.

Matthew:  Thanks, Joe.

Joe:  No problem.

Matthew:  Hey, you can be my personal trainer.

Joe:  I walked into that, didn't I?

Scene 6:  Breakroom

Beth walks in to find Mr. James eating crackers.

Beth:  Is it safe to come in?

Jimmy:  For you, sweetie, it's always safe.

Beth:  Aw . . . thank you.  Anyway, I've been trying to come up with business ideas
so I can make a little money on the side.

Jimmy:  Beth, a side business would probably pay you more than you're making now.

Beth:  Okay, we get it.  I'm poor.  Ha ha.

Jimmy:  What is it you want exactly?  You want capital to start it up?

Beth:  That wasn't my original plan, but if you're willing . . .

Jimmy:  You're dreamin'.

Beth:  Okay, okay.  I'd settle for a good solid idea for a business.  I've tried to
do it myself, but I'm lost.  Everything I've tried in the past has bombed
miserably.  You remember the Donald hats obviously.

Jimmy:  Well, I've had some pretty off the wall business ideas of my own over the

Beth:  I know.  I mean a radio station that only broadcasts the news?  How idiotic
is that?

Jimmy just stares at her with an irritated expression.

Beth:  Sorry.

Scene 7:  Dave's Office

Dave is pacing back and forth, and Lisa is standing beside the door.

Lisa:  So . . . are you ready to test it out?

Dave:  I thought I wasn't allowed to lie to you.

Lisa:  You're not.  Besides, I already know you're lying.  You have to test it out
on the people in the office.  They'll be clueless.

Dave:  I have to lie to my friends?

Lisa:  Come on.  It'll be fun.

Dave:  What is wrong with you?  Where does this thrill come from?

Lisa:  Look, you have to focus here.  Do you want to beat Randy or not?

Dave:  Of course I do.

Lisa:  Then go out there and lie.  Do whatever it takes.

Dave:  What do I say?

Lisa:  I don't know.  Just improvise.

Dave:  Fly by the seat of my pants.  Why didn't I think of that?

Lisa:  You're whining again.

Dave:  Oh, fine.

There is a knock at the door, and Lisa opens it to reveal Matthew.

Lisa:  Matthew, I thought you were at home resting.

Matthew:  I'm being a big strong worker man.

Dave:  Are ya' now?

Matthew:  Yes.  Lisa, are you impressed with my brute strength and physical

Lisa:  Why don't you ask Dave that question?

Matthew:  Huh?  Okay, Dave, are you impressed?

Lisa motions to Dave behind Matthew's back.  She mouths, "Lie."

Dave:  Yes, Matthew, I'm quite impressed.

Matthew:  Well, thanks, Dave.  Of course, I'd like to hear it from the ladies.

He coughs to give Lisa a hint.

Dave:  (enjoying this)  Well, Matthew, why do you care what the ladies think?
You know you're a stud.

Matthew:  Damn straight.

Dave:  Yeah!  You're the finest specimen I've ever seen.

Matthew:  Speci . . . finest what?

Dave:  You are a truly beautiful man.

Matthew:  Maybe I should enter a contest.

Dave:  You get first prize in my book.

Matthew:  Cool.  I'll show those bodybuilder dudes what Matthew Brock is made of.

Dave:  Go for it, dude!

Matthew leaves.  Lisa stares at Dave.

Dave:  They'll eat him alive.  Poor bastard.

Lisa:  You don't think you laid it on a bit thick?

Dave:  (laughing)  I was having too much fun.  You were right.  This is awesome.
Very therapeutic as well.

Lisa:  Oh my God.

Dave:  (giddy)  Who's next?

Scene 8:  Breakroom

Dave walks in to find Joe interrogating Mr. James.

Jimmy:  Joe, how many times do I have to tell you?  It's cracker time.

Joe:  Look, all I want to know is what you have that detective doing for you
in the mornings.  It's a simple question.

Jimmy:  One that is none of your business.

Joe:  Oh, come on.  What's your dirty work?

Jimmy:  My lips are sealed.  Now . . . if you will excuse me, I have some business
to attend to.

Joe:  More dirty work?

Jimmy:  Maybe, maybe not.  You'll never know.  See ya', Dave.

Dave:  Later, Mr. James.

Jimmy leaves.  Dave gets his coffee and sits down at the table with Joe.

Dave:  You're just mad because he's not getting you involved.

Joe:  Damn right I'm mad.  This Rob guy comes in, and all of a sudden Jimmy goes
to him with whatever needs to get done.  That used to be me.  If he needed
to fake a hot air balloon trip around the world, I was his guy.

Dave:  Yes, and look how well that turned out.

Joe:  Damn whistleblower.  You're just like that guy in the tobacco movie . . .
except considerably less heroic.

Dave:  Perhaps you'll forgive me when I let you in on a little secret.

Joe:  What?

Dave:  What I tell you doesn't leave this room.  It's a matter of national security.

Joe:  Huh?

Dave:  Mr. James has something better in store for you.

Joe:  Like?

Dave:  Let's just say that one of his research foundations found a downed craft
of questionable origin.  They picked it up in the Pacific.

Joe:  A spacecraft?

Dave:  Uh huh.  Anyway, they haven't told the Air Force yet.  They're analyzing the
craft in a top secret center somewhere in Jersey.

Joe:  Jersey has places like that?

Dave:  So I'm told.  Mr. James is planning on sending you down there to lend a
helping hand in figuring out the technology.

Joe:  You're kidding.

Dave:  I've never been more serious in my life.  This is the opportunity of a
lifetime for you, Joe.

Joe:  Hot damn!  I've gotta go talk to Jimmy!

Dave:  NO!  Wait until he comes to you.  I wasn't supposed to tell you.

Joe:  Fine.  Dude, I've gotta go back to the cabin and get all my equipment together.

Joe flings open the door to find Lisa on the other side with her ear leaned
toward it.  She covers her eavesdropping and lets him pass.

Dave:  (slightly crazy)  Delicious.

Lisa:  That was mean, Dave.  You got his hopes up.  He's gonna have a big letdown
when he finds out.

Dave:  That was for the cracks about tap dancing and ventriloquism.  Speaking of
which, Beth is next on my bitch list.

Lisa just looks at him regretfully.

Lisa:  What have I wrought?

Scene 9:  Newsroom

Dave and Lisa are walking towards his office when Beth stops them at her

Beth:  Hey, guys.  I need your advice on something.  You know how I was telling
you the other night that I'm trying to come up with business ideas?

They nod.

Beth:  Well, Mr. James gave me advice, and it just sounds a little weird to me.
I wanted to run it by you two.

Lisa:  What is it?

Beth:  He thinks I should sell pornographic pictures of myself.

Lisa:  What?!  Jimmy said that?

Dave:  I think it's a great idea.

Beth and Lisa:  WHAT?

Dave:  Yeah.  I'd buy 'em.

Beth and Lisa:  WHAT?

Dave:  Sure.  There's a lot of demand in the market for redheads.

Beth:  How would you know?  You don't even like pornography.

Dave:  I would if it were you.

Beth looks at Lisa and sees her staring wide-eyed at Dave.

Beth:  You know what?  I'm leaving now.

She goes to the breakroom.

Lisa:  You are a complete and total jackass.  You know that?

Dave:  Yes.  What's your point?

Lisa:  My point is . . . I'm not helping you anymore.  You're on your own.

Dave:  Oh come on, Lisa.  I was just kidding.

Lisa:  Whatever, Dave.

Dave:  Lisa . . .

As soon as Lisa leaves, Beth comes running up.

Beth:  Okay.  Now that Lisa's gone, I can ask you this without guilt.  You really
think I should do this?

Dave:  Hell yeah.  You gonna go without the paper bag over your head this time?

Beth:  (shocked)  Lisa told you about the paper bag?

Dave:  No, Bill did.

Scene 10:  Booth

Max is just getting off the air.  Lisa is sitting across from him.

Max:  I'm glad you finally decided to do some actual work around here today.

Lisa:  You're hardly one to talk, Max.

Max:  True.

Lisa:  Besides, I was busy.

Max:  Doing?

Lisa:  Don't concern yourself, Max.  You'll find out sooner or later.

Dave walks in with a clipboard.

Lisa:  Make that sooner.

Max:  Huh?

Dave:  Max, here's the copy for the next update.

Max:  Fine.  Hey, Dave.  You know how Matthew's becoming a bodybuilder?

Dave:  (laughing)  Yeah.  I still can't get over the stupidity of it all.

Max:  Well, I don't think it's stupid.  In fact, he's inspired me to change
my eating habits.

Lisa:  You're just afraid that he'll succeed and you'll be the most pathetic
guy in the office.  Oh, wait a minute, what am I thinking?  You already

Max:  Bite me.

Lisa:  You first.

Max:  (to Dave)  Anyhoo . . . I have decided to go on a diet.

Dave:  Good luck with that, Max.  In fact, I'll even help you out by giving you
an incentive.  If you can lose fifteen pounds in the next few months, I
will give you a really big raise.

Lisa's head whips around to glare at Dave.

Max:  How big?

Dave:  (feigning excitement)  Really big!

Max:  Goody.

Dave:  So we have a deal?

Max:  Sure do.

Dave:  Okay.

Dave walks out the door with Lisa hot on his heels.

Lisa:  (pissed)  That WAS a lie, right?

Dave:  (having fun)  I don't know.  You're not helping me anymore.  Why should
I tell you?

Dave is standing halfway down the stairs, and Lisa pushes him down the rest
of the way.  He barely catches himself at the bottom.

Scene 11:  Lisa's Office

Dave walks in to find Brett sitting on the couch with a clipboard.

Dave:  Where's Lisa?

Brett:  She's talking to the wicked witch in the breakroom.  Something about porno.

Dave:  Oh.

Brett:  She seems upset with you.  What did you do?

Dave:  (smiling as he switches into lying mode)  Well, we kind of broke up.

Brett:  Really?

Dave:  Yeah.  You see, after all these years, I've finally come to a realization.

Brett:  What?

Dave:  I like men.

Brett:  No . . .

Dave:  Oh yes.

Brett:  What made you realize this?

Dave:  Well, this may sound forward, but I just haven't been able to get you off
my mind lately.

Brett:  Really.

Dave:  Yes, really.

Brett:  Well, Dave, I'm flattered, but I really don't feel that way about you. 
I'm sorry.

Dave:  (taken aback, slightly hurt)  Not even a little?

Brett:  No, but I could set you up with a friend.  Matthew didn't go for him, but
you might.

Dave:  No, that's okay.

He turns back towards his office and walks out with his head down.

Scene 12:  Fund-raiser Dinner

Dave is up at the podium.  He has just finished his speech.  There is loud
applause as he waves to the audience.  Finally, he sits down next to Lisa.

Lisa:  When did you find the time to write your speech?

Dave:  I didn't.  I wung it.  They seemed to like it though.

Lisa:  Dave, "wung" is not a word.

Dave:  I know.  I was kidding.  Where would I be without my human dictionary?

Lisa:  After what you pulled today, you just may find out.

Dave:  Lisa . . .

Lisa:  Not now, Dave.

Scene 13:  Cabin Living Room

Joe, Beth, Jimmy, and Max are all sitting on the couch watching Leno when
Matthew walks in looking dejected.

Beth:  What's wrong, Matthew?  You look depressed.

Matthew:  Oh.  I was just watching tv back in my room.  They were covering a
bodybuilding competition.

Jimmy:  And?

Matthew:  They were women.

Joe:  And?

Matthew:  It was disgusting.

Beth:  Amen.  That's what I was trying to tell you before, Matthew.

Matthew:  I guess I just never really realized how it looked until I saw it on a
member of the opposite sex.

Max:  Opposite?  Oh, wait, I keep forgetting you're . . . never mind.

Beth:  Shut up, Max.

Joe:  Hey, Max.  Speaking of all of this stuff, shouldn't you be on a treadmill
instead of sitting on your ass watching television?

Max:  Nah, I'll start my diet tomorrow.

Beth:  Max, I think you'll look really sexy after you lose the weight.

Max:  On second thought . . . I'm outta here.  I'll be in the fitness room.

He scurries out.  Beth stretches out in the space that he left.

Joe:  Did you really mean that?

Beth:  Of course not.  I needed a place to put my legs, and his lap just wasn't the
most appealing place to do it.

Jimmy:  Good thinking.  Matthew, you gonna join us now that all this muscle mania
crap is out of your head?

Matthew:  Yeah, I guess there's something to be said for being a couch potato.

Joe, Jimmy, and Beth:  HEY!

Joe flexes his muscles.

Joe:  Are these the muscles of a couch potato, Bitch?

Matthew:  (panicky)  Sorry!

Lisa walks in and plops down beside all of them.  She has a sour expression.

Beth:  How was the dinner?

Lisa:  Fine.

Jimmy:  Did your speeches go well?

Lisa:  Fine.

Joe:  Where's Dave?

Lisa:  Proving his manhood.

Matthew:  Good luck!

Lisa gives him an evil glare.

Lisa:  Shut up, Matthew.

Beth:  What's wrong?

Lisa:  I created a monster.  That's what's wrong.

Beth:  Why?  What did you do?

Scene 14:  Cabin Kitchen

Lisa is getting a midnight snack when Dave walks in.

Dave:  Hey.  What are you doing up?

Lisa:  Getting something to eat before I go back to my room . . . ALONE.

Dave:  Exactly what are you mad at me about?  I was lying to Max about the raise.

Lisa:  I realize that, Dave.  That's not it.

Dave:  What then?  Are you mad about what I said to Beth?

Lisa:  Yes!

Dave:  I was just kidding.

Lisa:  She didn't know that.

Dave:  So what?

Lisa:  So what?  When I got home from the fund-raiser, Beth was just sitting down to
watch Leno after spending the entire evening with some sleazy photographer
from my paper!

Dave:  Why would that bother you?

Lisa:  Just the other day, she was calling him the biggest creep she ever laid eyes
on.  Today, because of what you said, she had him taking nude photos of her.

Dave:  (laughing)  Sans the paper bag I take it?

Lisa:  Dave, this is not funny.  You showed a total disrespect for Beth as a woman.

Dave:  Why?  I boosted her self-esteem.  What's wrong with that?

Lisa:  Do you think she would have done this if you hadn't encouraged her?

Dave:  I don't know.

Lisa:  The answer is no.  I spent the better part of the day trying to talk her
out of it, but she kept on repeating that crap you said about redheads
being in high demand on the porn market.

Dave:  This is why you're mad at me?

Lisa:  Yes!  You didn't even think about the consequences of what you were saying.

Dave:  Okay, fine.  What do I do now?  How do I fix it . . . with you and with Beth?

Lisa:  Well, I finally told everyone what you've been doing all day.

Dave:  When?

Lisa:  After the fund-raiser.

Dave:  Lisa, how could you throw me to the wolves?

Lisa:  Sorry, Dave.  You broke the code.  You used your abilities for evil purposes,
and you took psychotic delight in doing so.  If I hadn't taken immediate action,
you would have been left to prey on the innocent and gullible.

Dave:  Lisa, listen to what you're saying.  You're possessed.

Lisa:  Am I, Dave?  Or is it you who's possessed?

Dave:  Now I'm more convinced than ever.

Lisa:  Dave, if I never see you again, just know that I love you, and I'll miss you.

Dave:  What the hell are you talking about?

Lisa:  Goodbye.

She leaves.

Lisa:  (from outside the kitchen)  He's all yours.

Joe, Beth, and Matthew appear in the doorway.  Their arms are folded, and they
have pissed expressions on their faces.

Dave:  (cowering in fear)  Lord, help me.

Joe:  Call your momma while you're at it, Dave.  You need all the help you can get.

Scene 15:  Newsroom -- Conference Table

Everyone is sitting at the table for the morning meeting.  Max jogs up to the
table in a warm up suit then sits down.

Max:  Sorry, I'm late.  I'm just finishing up my morning regime.

Joe:  Dude, you couldn't have taken a shower first?

Lisa:  I notice he's not sweating.  He probably only ran from the door to the table
just to make it look good.

Dave:  No doubt for the benefit of someone at this table.

Max:  Well, for once it's not Beth.  It's you, Dave.

Dave:  Oh . . . I forgot.

Max:  Forgot about what?

Dave:  I take it you didn't tell him about the poker game?

Lisa:  We thought it might be humorous to leave him hanging for a while.

Dave:  I see.  Um, Max, I was just kidding about giving you a raise.  I'm sorry.

Max:  No raise?

Dave:  No.  Of course you could go for an intrinsic reward instead.

Max:  Oh, and what's that?

Dave:  Self-esteem.

Max:  That junk's overrated.

Joe:  Spoken like someone who's never had it.

Max:  Well, I don't want it, so . . . HA!  It's nice to wallow in self-pity.  You
guys don't know what you're missing.

Dave:  Well, whatever you decide, I'm sorry I got your hopes up.

Max:  So what does this have to do with a poker game?

Dave:  Well, an old college acquaintance came to town last night and invited me to
a poker game.  I was practicing my lying technique on all of you yesterday.

Max:  Well isn't everyone else pissed at you?
Dave:  They were.

Max:  What happened?

Dave:  Well, my newfound ability to lie came in handy, and I won a tidy sum at the
poker game.

Max:  Uh huh?

Dave:  Everyone was going to kick my ass until I offered to split the money evenly.

Beth:  Dammit, Dave.  Why'd you have to tell him?  Now our shares get cut.

Max:  Yes, I will be demanding payment for the severe physical and mental trauma
you've caused me.

Lisa:  Yeah, Dave.  Imagine the physical trauma Max faced in jogging from the door
to the conference table.  He must be reimbursed.

Max:  Indeed I must.

Dave:  Fine.  I don't care about the money anyway.  It was a matter of pride.

Beth:  A matter of proving your manhood as Lisa put it.

Max:  Good luck with that.  A tall order if there ever was one.

Dave:  No more difficult than you controlling your tremendous appetite . . . and
only one of us succeeded.

Max:  Rather be a glutton than a girly man.

Lisa:  Well, I'd rather be with Dave than a glutton.

Joe:  A woman's preference.  Can't argue with that, Max.

Dave:  No, he can't, but if he ever calls me a "girly man" again, he'll be in for a
pay CUT.

Max:  Now, now, Dave.  I was only teasing you.  You know you simply ooze with

Beth:  Hey, that's a common phrase in X-rated romance novels.

Everyone pauses and stares at her.

Beth:  What?

Matthew:  Well, yesterday Dave told me I was a beautiful man.  Is that a common phrase?

Beth:  I don't read those kind, Matthew.

Dave:  Speaking of "those kind" . . . Lisa, could you do me a favor and try to convince
Brett that I was lying to him?  He insists on taking me seriously.

Lisa:  I don't know, Dave.  He says you looked genuinely depressed at his rejection.

Dave:  Well . . . no one likes to be rejected.

Joe:  Uh huh.  Whatever, Dave.

The End


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