|NewsRadio Episode 602: "Atlantic City"
Summary: Beth comes up with a scheme to make money and talks Lisa into accompanying her to Atlantic City for some poker hustling; Matthew approaches Brett about his dilemma; Max annoys Dave with strange noises coming from his bedroom at night.
Scene 1: Cabin Kitchen
Lisa walks in, ready for work. She pours a cup of coffee then notices Beth sitting at the table, her head on her arms. She sits down beside her.
Lisa: Long night with one of the firemen?
Beth: Ha ha ha. No, I'm broke.
Lisa: You're always broke.
Beth: Yes, but now I'm on the brink of bankruptcy.
Lisa: Beth, you're not in New York anymore. You've left one of the most expensive cities in the world and come up here where everything's relatively cheap. Why are you just NOW on the brink of bankruptcy?
Beth: I don't know. I'm paying more rent to Mr. James than I did for my place in New York. That could be it.
Lisa: I gave you a raise two months ago. That should have covered the difference.
Beth: No, that went to paying off the Home Shopping Network. I'd been running a scam on them for years, and they finally caught me.
Lisa: Uh huh. One question. Why would you possibly want to cheat the Home Shopping Network out of anything?
Beth: The thrill and adventure. It's not like I actually kept any of the stuff.
Lisa: Well, another source of financial ruin for you might be your gas guzzler of a car.
Beth: Lisa, I'd rather cut off my arms than get rid of the Miata. You don't get rid of a free car.
Lisa: No, but you could do what I did with mine. Trade it in for a more economical one.
Beth: You call a BMW economical?
Lisa: (defensively) It gets good gas mileage!
Joe walks in and starts rummaging in the cabinets before sitting down.
Joe: What are you all talking about?
Beth: I have no money. I'm trying to find a way to earn some to get out of debt.
Joe: I could set up another Internet cam -- this time in your bathroom.
Beth: No, thank you, Joe. Even I have SOME pride.
Lisa: Beth, I'll lend you the money. How much do you need?
Beth: I don't know, Lisa. I don't think I'd feel right about that.
Lisa: Relax. How much?
Beth: A thousand would save my life. Mr. James gave me some extra time to pay my rent, but the credit card people aren't big cuddly teddy bears like he is.
Lisa: No problem. I won't even charge interest.
Beth: Thank you.
Joe: Hey, Lisa. What time is Dave getting here?
Lisa: Later today. They brought Matthew's stuff up last night, and today it's Dave's turn. They should probably both be completely moved in by tonight.
Joe: Wonderful. Who ever thought we'd end up living with Spaz?
Beth: Can't be any worse than Max.
Lisa: That reminds me. The other night, Dave and I were trying to sleep, but we kept hearing strange noises from Max's room.
Beth: What was it?
Lisa: I don't know. The next night, we slept in my room, so we never bothered to find out.
Joe: Of all the rooms in this place, how did Dave end up getting the one next to Max anyway?
Lisa: Shortest distance to the coffeemaker.
Scene 2: U-Haul Truck
Dave is driving, and Matthew is riding in the passenger seat.
Matthew: Do you think I'm gay?
Dave: I don't think my opinion is relevant, Matthew.
Matthew: No, it is. It is to me.
Dave: Okay. When I first met you, I wondered. Then, as I got to know you better, I realized you're just . . . weird.
Matthew: Uh huh.
Dave: But you know, a lot of people assume that I'm gay when they first meet me. It's not something I let bother me all that much.
Matthew: Well, Dave. It doesn't bother me what Fireman Shane said. What bothers me is that I don't know if he's right or not.
Dave: How can you not know?
Matthew: I never really thought about it before.
Matthew: No, never. I always assumed I was normal.
Dave: You . . . normal.
Matthew: Sure. Dave, you have to admit that there are people out there a lot weirder than me.
Dave: You'll have to point them out next time.
Matthew: Count on it.
Dave: You know, I just thought of a sure money-maker.
Dave: You ever hear of a Circus of Freaks?
Matthew: Yeah. My parents took me to one when I was a kid. It was weird. All these strangers started putting money in the pockets of my overalls. I have no idea why.
Dave: I may have to draw up a tour schedule when we get back.
Scene 3: Lisa's Office
Beth comes in the office and finds Lisa hard at work behind the desk.
Lisa: What's up?
Beth: It's about your offer.
Lisa: What? Don't tell me someone else caught you in one of your scams and you need more money.
Beth: No. Actually, I've been thinking about it some more, and I can't accept your money, at least not directly. However, I came up with a new scam in which we are sure to at least double your initial investment, maybe even triple, quadruple, or . . . well, I don't know the next one, but you get my point.
Lisa: Beth, I'm not helping you start a pyramid scheme.
Beth: Give me some credit. I'm more original than that. The scam is a weekend of poker in Atlantic City.
Lisa: This is original?
Beth: It is if you're the one playing . . . or should I say hustling.
Lisa: What? Are you out of your mind?
Beth: Think about it. You remember when you played poker for Mr. James to win Bill back?
Lisa: (sentimentally) Yeah.
Beth: You have a gift. Your mathematical brain can calculate the odds of getting a royal flush in less than two seconds.
Lisa: Beth, just because I can calculate odds doesn't mean I'm going to win. While it is a game of probability and strategy, it's also a question of luck.
Beth: I thought you didn't believe in luck.
Lisa: I changed my mind.
Beth: But think about that game. You won Bill back, not to mention millions of dollars worth of equipment for Mr. James.
Lisa: (proudly) Yes, I did, and you better believe I had a tidy sum at bonus time that year.
Beth: So, see, you can win. Please do this for me.
Lisa: Beth, the smart thing to do is just to take the thousand while it's there. There's no guarantee that it will be there after a weekend in Atlantic City.
Beth: Lisa, a thousand dollars isn't gonna do me.
Lisa: What? You said it would save your life.
Beth: I didn't have the heart to ask for more. I didn't even feel right taking that much.
Lisa: Exactly how much do you need?
Beth: Enough to pay back the credit card companies.
Lisa: What did you charge?
Beth: Season tickets to the Knicks games.
Lisa: WHAT? You don't even like basketball!
Beth: Yes, but my ex-boyfriend did, and I wanted to make him think I was rich.
Lisa: Did he still think you were rich when he realized he could cross your apartment in two strides?
Beth: I wasn't dating him for his intelligence, okay? Now will you do this for me?
Lisa: Fine, I'll do it. I have a bad feeling about it though.
Beth: A weekend for two of us in Atlantic City will cost about five hundred dollars. That's transportation, a hotel room, and meals.
Lisa: What about the poker money?
Beth: We can use the other five hundred you were going to lend me.
Lisa: Did you already book the plane tickets?
Beth: This is a budget trip. We're taking the car.
Lisa: Which one?
Beth: The one that doesn't guzzle gas.
Lisa: Why am I not surprised. Beth, you owe me big time.
Beth: Thank you. You won't regret this! We're going to quadruple our money, guaranteed.
Lisa: I'll believe it when I see it.
Scene 4: WNHX Newsroom
Dave and Matthew walk in and see Joe fixing the coffeemaker.
Dave: Oh God no!
Joe: Relax, dude. It's done right . . . now.
Dave: You're a miracle worker, Joe.
Joe: Did you guys drop off all your boxes at the cabin?
Matthew: Yeah. Let me tell you, for such a little man, Dave has a whole lot of crap.
Dave: Thank you, Matthew, for that lovely mental image you just gave Joe.
Matthew: No . . . I was talking about your boxes.
Dave: Anyway . . . Joe, I hereby return Matthew to you unharmed and in similar condition to that in which he was taken.
Joe: I thought for sure you'd kick his ass.
Matthew: No, Joe. Dave's not gay.
Joe: Kick, Matthew. Not kiss.
Scene 5: Lisa's Office
Dave walks in and finds Lisa sitting on the couch reading a report.
Lisa: Hey, stranger.
She gets up and kisses him before they both sit back down.
Dave: I missed you last night. My apartment never seemed so empty before.
Lisa: Well, that brings up an interesting point. I'm not going to be here this weekend.
Dave: Why? Are you visiting your family or something?
Lisa: No, Beth and I are going to Atlantic City.
Dave: What? Why?
Lisa: To hustle the poker players.
Dave: Are you insane?
Lisa: I think it's crazy too, but Beth really needs the money, and she's absolutely positive that I'm capable of kicking some serious ass at the poker table.
Dave: Lisa, you've played one game of poker in your life.
Lisa: Yes, and I mopped the floor with them, didn't I?
Dave: Do you know how dangerous it is hustling hard-core gamblers? You could be killed.
Lisa: Oh, don't worry, Dave. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
Dave: You say that now. What about when your feet are in a big block of cement and you're swimming with the fishes?
Lisa: You watch too much television.
Dave: Yes, I know, but that doesn't change the fact that it's still dangerous.
Lisa: Dave . . .
Scene 6: Breakroom
Dave is pulling Lisa into the breakroom by her arm. Joe and Beth are already there.
Dave: Ah, Joe. Just the person I want to see.
Joe: What's up?
Dave: Thelma and Louise here have decided they're going to Atlantic City this weekend to hustle the poker tables.
Joe: Way to go, Thelma and Louise!
Dave: Would you please go with them and play bodyguard?
Beth: Dave, then we'll have to pay for two hotel rooms.
Joe: Why? I like to watch.
Dave: I'll charge the extra hotel room to the station.
Joe: How? This isn't a business trip.
Dave: Just claim that the highest concentration of alien life is in New Jersey or something. I don't care. You're protecting employees of Jimmy James Incorporated. Actually, you know what? Forget about it. I'll pay for it myself.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. He gives some money to Joe.
Dave: Here's two hundred bucks. Enjoy yourself, and be careful.
Joe: Thanks, dude. Don't worry, no one will harm a hair on their heads. But you realize this means Matthew is your responsibility for the weekend.
Dave: Oh dear God.
Joe: Hey, speaking of that. Beth, if this doesn't make you any money, Dave had an idea on the way up here with Matthew.
Joe: Charge admission to the public to see Spaz go about his daily life.
Lisa: High quality entertainment. It just might work.
Beth: You guys are so mean to him.
Dave: I was kidding. It would never work anyway. Matthew's search for sexual identity wouldn't be suitable for small children.
Everyone voices their agreement.
Scene 7: WNHX Newsroom
Jimmy walks in and sees Matthew at his new desk.
Jimmy: So, Matthew, how do you like your new desk?
Matthew: It's great. I just have to unpack everything, and then I'm all set.
Jimmy: Great. You know, I thought YOU had a lot of stuff. Then I saw all those boxes Dave brought up here. Man, he has a lot of crap.
Matthew: I know. Especially for such a little guy.
Jimmy: Yeah. Hey, that didn't sound good, Matthew.
Matthew: I was talking about . . .
Jimmy: I know, I know. Anyway, did you resolve your dilemma while you were gone?
Matthew: Afraid not.
Jimmy: Well, why don't you talk to Brett?
Matthew: Lisa's secretary?
Matthew: Oh, I don't know. I don't know him. It would feel kind of weird.
Jimmy: Weird bothers you?
Matthew: I guess you're right. Maybe I'll talk to him later.
Jimmy: You do that, Matthew. Hey, what about that time you went out and bought a sweater just like Lisa's because you liked it so much? You didn't think that was the slightest bit gay? Dressing up in a women's sweater?
Matthew: Why would that be gay?
Scene 8: Dave's Room
Dave is sitting on the bed reading a book when Lisa walks in with a deck of cards in her hand.
Lisa: Hey, Dave, do you think you could give me a crash course before we leave tonight?
Dave: You're leaving tonight?
Lisa: Yeah, Joe's sleeping right now so he'll be able to drive later on.
She sits down and faces him.
Dave: You're letting Joe drive the Beamer?
Lisa: He insisted. Said aliens might decide to ambush us on the interstate and that he would be the best one to drive in a potential car chase.
Dave: That makes no sense.
Lisa: I didn't question his logic. Anyway, the crash course?
Dave: Sure. What's the matter? You don't remember from last time?
Lisa: I still know how to lie. I still know how to calculate probability. I just need some fine tuning on the strategy and the rules.
She hands him the cards, and he starts shuffling.
Lisa: Oh, and Dave, I appreciate you worrying about me, but I think you're overreacting just a little.
Dave: No, I'm not. We report on those kinds of stories all the time. You're not invincible.
Lisa: Of course I am. I'm a superhero.
Dave: Cool. Can I see your tights?
Lisa: Why don't you come with us? I'm sure I could arrange something.
Dave: I've got to get settled into the office over the weekend. Plus, I have to unpack.
Lisa: You'll be missing out on great fun.
Dave: I don't know. It might be kind of fun to watch Matthew deal with his crisis of sexuality.
Lisa: Ugh. That almost sounds like the summary for a porno movie.
Dave: Oh God, can you imagine?
They hear a squealing sound from next door and look at each other.
Lisa: Speaking of porno, what could Max be doing over there?
Dave: I don't know, but it sounds like someone's spanking him.
They laugh and continue listening. They hear more squealing and then a snort.
Lisa: Oh my God! Now he's grunting.
Dave: How'd you like to be a fly on the wall in there?
Lisa: Come to think of it, not very much at all.
Dave: You're probably right.
They hear a knock at the door.
Dave: Come in!
Beth walks in the doorway.
Dave: Wow, Beth. You knocked.
Beth: Dave, walking into your office unannounced is one thing. Your bedroom, on the other hand . . . . Let's just say I'm afraid of what I might see.
Dave: Oh, so you were just preserving your innocent eyes?
Beth: I said nothing of innocence. You ready, Lisa?
Lisa: What? We're leaving now?
Beth: Joe just woke up. He's ready.
|Lisa: Okay. No crash course then, Dave. I'll just have to wing it.
Beth: Excuse me?
Lisa: Don't worry. Bye, Dave.
She kisses him goodbye then begins to leave with Beth.
Dave: Be careful.
Lisa: Yes, father.
Dave: Don't call me when the mob comes after you. I'll only say, "I told you so."
Beth: He is such a great guy, Lisa. How did you get so lucky?
Lisa: Humph. Who knows?
As they walk out the door, Dave calls after them.
Dave: Say hi to the fishes for me. And Bugsy Malone too.
Beth sticks her head back in the door.
Beth: Warren Beatty's gonna be there?
Lisa pulls her back into the hall before Dave can answer.
Scene 9: Dave's Room
Dave is sleeping peacefully until he is jolted awake by more squealing from Max's room. He has a startled expression on his face before the realization comes to him.
Dave: Dammit, Max!
Scene 10: Hallway Outside Max's Door
Dave is knocking on the door impatiently when Max finally answers it.
Max: What, Dave? It's two in the morning, and I'm trying to sleep.
Dave: Right, Max. You're trying to sleep. Tell me another good one. What the hell are you doing in there?
Max: What are you talking about?
Dave: The noise coming from your room. Would you and your female friend try to keep it down a little?
Max: I don't have a female friend in there.
Dave: Male friend, whatever. I don't care. I just want you to shut the hell up and let me sleep.
Max: Dave, why don't you just go sleep in Lisa's room? It's empty.
Dave: I will not be driven from my room just because you're having wild sex at all hours of the night.
Max: I most certainly am not having wild sex, Dave. Now go back to bed like a good little boy.
Dave: Max . . .
Max: Shoo! The grown ups are trying to sleep, so buzz off.
He closes the door in Dave's face. Dave starts banging his head against the door in frustration.
Scene 11: Hotel Room
Lisa and Beth walk into their room and are surprised to see only one bed.
Lisa: Beth, I know you said this was a budget trip, but come on.
Beth: I didn't think to ask how many beds there were. It's not a big deal though.
Lisa: No, I agree. It's not that. I'm just hoping Joe never finds out. It will just fuel his imagination that much further.
Beth: (teasing) Is Dave gonna be jealous?
Lisa: (laughing) I don't know. He might take Joe's view on things.
They both bust out laughing before Joe appears in the doorway.
Joe: Does your room have a jacuzzi? Mine doesn't work.
He suddenly realizes the bed situation and stares wide-eyed.
Joe: Oh yeah!
Scene 12: Breakroom
Jimmy and Matthew are eating lunch when Brett walks in and gets a soda out of the fridge. Jimmy looks at Matthew questioningly and realizes he's not going to say anything.
Jimmy: Oh, hell, I have to do everything myself. Brett . . .
Brett: Yes, Mr. James?
Jimmy: Matthew thinks he might be gay. See what you can do to help him out.
Brett: Right here? In the office? I knew you were PC, but . . .
Matthew's eyes grow wide.
Jimmy: I don't mean THAT! Just talk to him. See how easy that was, Matthew?
Jimmy leaves. Matthew has a scared expression on his face.
Brett: So . . . you're gay too?
Matthew shrugs his shoulders.
Brett: Oh, you poor thing. You haven't come out of the closet yet, have you?
Matthew: What closet?
Brett: Not a literal closet. I mean that you haven't told everyone that you're gay yet.
Matthew: But I don't know if I am or not.
Brett: Oh. Okay, do you think I'm sexy?
Matthew: No. I think you're a woman trapped in a man's body.
Brett: Thank you. That's always been my theory. Anyway, it could just be that I'm not your type.
Matthew: How do I know what my type is?
Brett: What kind of person turns you on?
Matthew: Usually anyone who gives me a second look. I'm not very picky.
Brett: No, of course you aren't.
Matthew: So what should I do?
Brett: You're going to have to figure it out somehow.
Matthew: Yes, but how?
Brett: Loosen up. Start doing whatever feels natural. I'm talking clothes, speech, attitude, stride, everything. The answer will come with time.
Matthew: So in other words, I should walk the walk and talk the talk?
Brett: Something like that.
Matthew: Okay, I can do that. That's easy. I can be cooooooool.
He gets up and starts doing a funny walk that makes Brett roll his eyes.
Brett: You go, girlfriend!
Matthew halts immediately.
Matthew: (startled) No, no, no, no, no.
Scene 13: Casino Poker Table
Lisa and Beth are standing beside the table and playacting for the men sitting down. The men are paying just as much attention to their bodies as to their conversation.
Beth: So how much inheritance money do we have left?
Lisa: Um . . . five hundred.
Beth: Damn! How did we get that low?
Lisa: Um, let's see. It just might have been you telling the black jack dealer to hit you when you already had twenty. You think?
Beth: First of all, I did NOT tell him to hit me. (sexily) I told him to spank me, and he misunderstood.
Lisa: Then that should teach you not to flirt with the dealer!
Beth: Fine! What do you want to do with the rest of the money? It's free dough, so we might as well spend it all and have fun while we're here.
Lisa: What's this table right here?
Beth: (acts like she's just noticing it) I don't know. Um, excuse me, sir?
Beth: We were just wondering what you guys are playing.
Santini: Five Card Draw.
Lisa: Is that poker?
Santini: Yeah. You pretty ladies want in? We could teach you the game real fast.
Beth: Oh, I don't know. We're better at black jack and stuff like that.
Santini: Oh, come on. It'll be fun. That IS what you're here for, isn't it?
Lisa: Let's do it, Beth. If anything, we'll learn how to play. It might come in handy some day.
Beth: (quickly) Okay, you convinced me. You want to play, Lisa?
Lisa: Oh . . . okay, I guess.
She sits down next to Santini. Beth turns around and winks to Joe over at the bar. He is dressed in sunglasses and a black suit -- looking every bit the gangster.
Santini: (motioning to the other men at the table) This is Tino, Vinnie, Frankie, and Ricky, and I'm Michael Santini. We're in the garbage business.
Lisa: (looks to Beth and swallows hard) I'm Lisa, and this is my cousin Beth. We're . . .
Beth: . . . wildlife photographers in Siberia.
Lisa turns around and stares at Beth like she's lost her mind. Beth just shrugs.
Ricky: Siberia? I've been there. A guy I knew was trying to avoid me, so he went up there. It was hell trying to find him, but I did it.
Santini gives Ricky a silencing glare, and Beth has a panicked look on her face.
Beth: Oh . . . you must have really wanted to find him.
Ricky: You bet. He ticked me off on the wrong day.
Santini: That's enough, Ricky. Let's teach this lovely young lady how to play poker now.
Scene 14: Casino Poker Table
Lisa is placing her bet and keeping her expression neutral.
Lisa: One more question. Does three of a kind beat a full house?
Ricky: A full house is three of a kind plus a pair. Think about it.
Lisa: Oh, yeah, I guess that was a dumb question. Sorry.
|Ricky: Forgetta 'bout it.
Santini: Forget about it.
Lisa: Now how much can I raise you?
Ricky: As much as you want.
Lisa: Okay, I'll raise you a thousand.
Santini: You really enjoy throwing away money, don't you?
Lisa: I'm on vacation. Our grandmother died a couple of months ago. She left us some money and told us to enjoy it. So we're doing just that.
Santini: Yeah, well, I think you're just a little too good to be a beginner.
Lisa: Why? I thought this game was all luck. That and a little bit of risk management.
Ricky: What would a wildlife photographer know about risk management?
Lisa: The first time I got too close to a Siberian tiger and it tried to take a bite out of my ass, I learned a lot about risk management.
Beth: Yeah. We work with wild animals day in and day out. It's a risky business. You never know what's going to happen next.
Joe looks up from the bar with a hurt expression on his face.
Santini: Enough of the gabbing. Let's finish this. I'm gonna call your bet.
Lisa: You think I'm . . . what's the word again?
Beth: Oh, right.
Santini: And yes, I do. So let's see your cards.
She lays them out to show a straight flush.
Lisa: (giggling) The one where they're all in order.
Santini: A straight.
Ricky: You raised a thousand on a straight?
Santini: Take a closer look, Ricky.
Beth: Oh, and look, Lisa, they're all hearts too. Does that mean anything?
Lisa: Ha! I didn't even notice that. You're right.
Ricky: What do you have, Boss?
Santini: Four of a kind.
Beth: Wait, which is higher?
Santini: A straight flush.
Lisa and Beth's faces light up.
Beth: We win?
Santini: Yeah. Somehow I'm not all that surprised though.
Santini: Your grandmother died, and you're spending your inheritance in Atlantic City? That just seems a little fishy.
Lisa: (dead seriously) Oh, please don't mention the fishes.
Beth steps on her foot under the table, and Lisa grimaces.
Santini: What's wrong?
Lisa: Oh, nothing. It's just that our grandmother was fishing when she died, so it's a sensitive subject.
Ricky: Uh huh.
Beth: Yes, it is a sensitive topic. It always makes us sad. You know what, if I stay out here one minute longer, I think I'm going to lose it. All of my grief is going to escape its place bottled up inside me, and everything is going to bubble over.
(starts crying) If you'll excuse me . . .
She gets up from the table and runs off. Joe stands up at the bar, not knowing what's going on. Beth runs into him and grins widely while still pretending to cry. She then runs from the casino in hysterics. Back at the table, Lisa stares after Beth with an amazed expression on her face. She turns back to the players apologetically.
Lisa: She was a lot closer to our grandmother than I was. I guess it must have hit her harder than I thought. I'd better go after her.
Santini: The night is young. Stay and give us a chance to win back some of our money.
Lisa: Oh, no. I really need to check on her. She can get dangerous when she's upset.
Ricky: Must be all that red hair.
Lisa: (hurriedly) Yeah, that must be it.
She rakes in all of her winnings and tries to split as fast as possible.
Lisa: Nice meeting you all.
She smiles once more then panics and tries not to look like she's running for the exit.
Scene 15: Parking Garage
Lisa and Joe find Beth waiting for them.
Beth: Joe, where'd you park the car?
Joe: Down the street.
Lisa: Wildlife photographers from Siberia?
Beth: I wanted a place they wouldn't go after us. How was I supposed to know they would go to such lengths to find people?
Lisa: Hello, they're the mob. That's what they do. I knew this was a bad idea.
Joe: You want to switch hotels?
Beth: Yeah. Lisa kept kicking me last night. I don't know how Dave puts up with it.
Lisa: I did not, and he's talking about so that they don't come after us.
Beth: Oh, okay. Yeah, let's split.
Scene 16: Casino Poker Table
Ricky, Santini, and the other guys are sitting at the table looking like they lost their dogs.
Ricky: Boss, do you want us to go find them and get back our money?
Santini: No. If it ever got out, what would people say?
Ricky: That's never stopped us before.
Santini: No, not about stealing the money back. I'm talking about the fact that we were hustled by a couple of women with a sad story about their grandmother.
Ricky: We won't tell if you won't.
Scene 17: Cheap Motel Room
Lisa is lying between a sleeping Joe and Beth on a double bed. She tries to reach over Joe to get the phone and bumps him in the process. He only smiles and moans in pleasure. Lisa looks like she'll puke. She finally gets the phone and dials.
Scene 18: Dave's Room
The phone rings, and Dave answers it wide awake.
Lisa: Hi. You're not asleep?
Dave: It's a little hard when there's a one-man porno convention going on next door.
Lisa: Hmm. Well, I just wanted to let you know that we're all right and that I have two strange people in my bed.
Dave: Now I definitely wish I had come along. Why? What's going on?
Lisa: We hustled the mob and lived to tell about it, but we're staying in a different hotel just to be safe. It's a real hell hole of a place. Joe said that getting only one room would be safer, but I think he had an ulterior motive.
Dave: How much money did you make?
Lisa: Enough to pay off all of Beth's debts, leave her with quite a bit extra, pay you for Joe's hotel room last night, and give me a nice commission for my lying expertise.
Dave: How much?
Lisa: Ten thousand dollars.
Dave: You stole ten thousand dollars from the mob?
Lisa: We didn't steal it. We won it fair and square.
Dave: I'd like to hear their point of view on that.
Lisa: I don't think they'll bother coming after us. Ten thousand is a drop in the bucket to them.
Dave: Well, as long as you're safe . . .
Dave hears squealing from next door.
Dave: Oh, God. Max is at it again.
Lisa: Well, I'll leave you to the peaceful sounds of country life.
Dave: Okay. Goodnight. Love you.
Lisa: Love you too. Bye.
She reaches over Joe again to put back the phone. When she lays back down, she rolls over to where she's facing Beth's back. All of a sudden, Joe scoots over and wraps his arm around the two of them, pushing Lisa against Beth. Beth awakens, but does not look to see whose arm it is.
Beth: Um . . . Lisa. You can always take the floor if you can't control yourself.
Lisa: I have a better idea.
They twist around, and Lisa uses all of her might to push Joe off the bed. He falls on the floor, but doesn't wake up.
Beth: Cool. That works.
Scene 19: Dave's Room
Dave is trying to sleep, but the noise gets louder. Finally, he jumps out of bed and rushes out.
Scene 20: Hallway Outside Max's Door
Dave is pounding.
Dave: Dammit, Max! Will you shut the HELL up?!
Matthew and Jimmy come into the hallway in their pajamas.
Jimmy: Dave, what's all the commotion about?
Dave: I have heard squealing noises and other various sounds coming from next door every night that I've spent in my room, and Max refuses to keep his exhibitionism under control.
Jimmy: Exhibitionism? What do you mean?
Dave: He's having loud sex in there, and he doesn't care who knows it.
Jimmy: Are you sure?
Dave: What else could it be?
Max steps out of the room and upon seeing Jimmy has a guilty look on his face.
Jimmy: Max, what have I told you before about this?
Max: Oh, okay.
Max goes back in his room. Dave has a confused look on his face until Max finally comes back out with a pig.
Max: Dave, Matthew, meet Louie.
Matthew: Oh my God . . . and I thought I had sexual problems.
Dave stares at Max wide-eyed.
Matthew: I mean, not only is it a male . . . but it's a PIG!
Dave: Max, please don't tell me . . .
Max: Of course not. It's just that Louie doesn't like sleeping in the barn. He gets lonely.
Jimmy: Well, that's just too bad. Dogs and cats are the only animals allowed in the cabin. I've warned you about this before.
Max: Yes, sir. I'll go take him back to the barn right now.
Dave: One question, Max . . . . What makes him squeal?
Max: I've never actually witnessed him mating. How would I know what turns him on?
Dave: What makes him squeal in your room?
Max: Oh. (mumbles) We . . .
Dave: You what?
Max: We wrestle.
Jimmy: Max! Pig . . . out . . . now!
Matthew: You never hear about this stuff in New York.
Dave: Goodnight, Matthew.
Jimmy: Dave, you thought Max was having wild sex in there?
Dave: It seemed the logical conclusion.
Jimmy: Dave . . . you're talking about Max Louis getting wild sex night after night. How logical . . . or should I say how realistic is that?
Dave: Now that you mention it, sir, not very. I don't know what I was thinking.
Jimmy: Get some sleep. The images that must have been going through your mind the last few nights . . . well, you need it.
Dave: Yes, sir. It was quite an ordeal.
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