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The Machine Part 2 (Catherine came out as Billy-Bob Thornton from Blade Runner. Lisa and Jimmy just stare at her.) Catherine: Hey guys. What’s wrong? Lisa: Catherine, why are you Billy-Bob Thornton? Catherine: What? (Looks at her clothes.) Damn it! I was going for Tyra Banks. Jimmy: How did you come out as him, though? Catherine: I was watching Blade Runner on Starz last night. I’ve been thinking of the parts where he keeps saying ‘Mmm hmm.’ Lisa: Well, Billy-Bob Thornton isn’t that bad. Jimmy: Yeah, it’s kind of cool how you talk! Dave: I like the way you talk, man. Just go with the flow, man. Catherine: I guess I could use it to my advantage, Mmm hmm. (Catherine walks out. A crazy mob of fans chase her the other way.) Jimmy: Well, I don’t want to wait any longer. Say good-bye to the fat Jimmy James! Lisa: Um, sir. I was just wondering. How were going to get back home again? Jimmy: Well, I figured I would stay as thin Jimmy and when I go back to Florida, I’ll just get my jet to pick me up and take me back to Manhattan. Dave: Well, that’s kind of a mook idea, Jimmy. Jimmy: Why is that, son? Dave: Well, for one thing you weren’t rich 10 years ago, and you would probably actually get stuck 10 years ago. (Jimmy just stands there. Gets really quiet.) Jimmy: Aw, hell. Dave, you ruined for me! Well, NOW who am I going to be? Lisa: Well, while you think about it, let me go in. Jimmy: Alright, go ahead. (Lisa walks in. A minute later she comes out as Autumn from the characters The Stick Chicks from MAD TV. Starts doing her karate moves.) Jimmy: Hey, you’re Autumn from MAD TV, right? Lisa: Yes I am sir. (Takes out her corn dog. Starts doing karate moves. Flips out of the office.) Jimmy: Well, here I go. (Jimmy walks in the machine. He comes out as Dr. Evil from Austin Powers. Mr. Biglesworth and Mini Me run out from the office.) Jimmy: Well hello, Mr. David Nelson. Have you seen my Mini Me and Mr. Biglesworth? Dave: Nope. Sorry. Jimmy: I guess I should put up a reward for- (camera zooms in on Jimmy. He puts his pinky next to his mouth.) 100 dollars. (Starts giggling.) Dave: Hey man, that’s a little low, isn’t it? Jimmy: Oh, you’re right. (camera zooms in on him.) 100 billion dollars! (Jimmy runs out of the office.) Dave: Well, better save the dolphins. (Takes a boom box and Slow Ride starts playing by Fog Hat.) 47 hours and 55 minutes later… (Everyone walks in the office at the same time.) Dave: Hey man, did you find Mr. Biglesworth and Mini Me? Jimmy: Yeah, but Mini Me started to knaw on my kitty so I had to let him go. Catherine: I had fun sometimes, Mmm hmm, but the fans were just to much for me. Lisa: Every time I walked down the street, people kept saying ‘Echo! Echo!’ Bill: I went to a bar and this strange human speciman gave me some sort of water called vod ka. Then this lady asked me if I wanted to have a little fun and after we had our ‘fun’, I asked her why I had to give her money. She seemed quite upset and I told her I couldn’t because my unfrozen caveman lawyer brain can’t comprehend this strange ritual of you people. Joe: Dude, I didn’t have any luck. I found lots of duct tape, but all the whores kind of found me a little disgusting. So I blew the rest of my money on remote controls that I can use for my new inventions. Dave: Well, I had a really groovey time, man. I met some people at dolphin conventions and all we did was listen to Fog Hat and smoked tooty tofs. Man, I had a blast. (Matthew flips in with his cats chasing Beth. Beth runs in the machine. Then she comes out normal.) Beth: Thank God, now Matthew can’t hurt me anymore! Matthew: You know what? I like being a ninja. This way people are scared of me and my cat- like speed and reflexes! I’m going to stay like this and live in Japan the rest of my life! Everyone: No! Lisa: You can’t do that Matthew! Joe: Yeah, Dude. Even if you are a spaz, we’d miss you, man! Matthew: Too bad! Lisa: Tell you what. I’ll challenge you to a duel. If I win, you’ll stay, if I lose, you can do whatever you want. Matthew: Alright, fine. (Matthew and Lisa star fighting. Lisa hits Matthew in the head with a corn dog. Matthew falls over.) Lisa: Ha! I win! Matthew: Alright, fine! (Matthew walks in and comes out normal.) Are you happy now? I’m normal now! Dave: Actually, you’re far from it, but that’s okay man. We still love ya. (Dave walks in and comes out normal. Joe, Dave, Catherine, Lisa, and Jimmy do the same thing.) Bill: Oh crap! It’s already been two days! NOOO! (Bill disappears.) Jimmy: Oh no. Bill’s gone. Forever! (Creepy music comes on.) Dave: Okay, seriously, whose doing that? (Dave looks around. Looks straight at the camera.) Ha! I knew it was you. Come here, come here! (Dave walks to the camera. Starts punching the camera. Screen goes blank.) (Shows Bill at the SNL set of the caveman lawyer.) Lorne Michaels: Okay, that was good. Hey Phil, how are you? Bill: Phil, what the- Hey……… 2 years later… Bill: Hi, you must be Dave Foley. I’m Phil Hartman. Dave: Oh, I’m great. I can’t wait for the episode of the machine. Bill: Machine? Dave: Oh yes. It’s about Jimmy making a machine and we all get to be someone else and you pick your caveman lawyer. I read the script for it, it was hilarious! Bill thinking: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! |
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| Part 1 Conclusion |