The Machine

(Dave doing paper work in his office. Lisa walks in.)
Lisa: Dave, what is Mr. James doing?
Dave: What do you mean?
Lisa: Well, he has a bunch of people out there making some sort of machine or something.
Dave: What!?
(Dave and Lisa walk out of the office. Mr. James has a team of guys hammering and working on a machine. Jimmy telling them what to do. Guys are walking past Jimmy with objects in their hands.)
Jimmy: Okay, put those tools over there. Hey, no smoking. (Guy walks past with a club sandwich.)
Jimmy: Hey, hey, hey. This isnít your lunch break, give me that. (Jimmy takes the sandwich and takes a huge bite.)
Dave: What the hell? Mr. James, what are you doing?
Jimmy: Iím building a machine.
Dave: What for?
Jimmy: Itís a surprise. I want to wait till everyone is here for it.
Lisa: Mr. James, I thought you were on a diet.
Jimmy: Oh, I was, but I donít have to worry about that anymore.
Lisa: Why not?
Jimmy: Youíll find out soon.
(Matthew, Joe, Catherine, and Bill walk out of the brake room.)
Bill: Okay, Jim. What gives? Whatís going on?
Jimmy: I want to wait till everyone is here. Where the hell is Beth anyway?
(The door opens to the machine. A circus clown walks out, but has Bethís voice.)
Beth: Hey guys.
(Everyoneís freaked out except Mr. James who looks disappointed.)
Matthew: Oh my God, GET AWAY CLOWN!! (Matthew jumps onto Bill and wraps his arms around him.)
Catherine: Oh my God, Beth, is that you?
Beth: Yeah, you like the new look?
Joe: Actually, there really isnít much of a difference.
(Beth takes a horn out of her pocket and rings it in Joeís ear. Joe gets a pained look and grabs his ear.)
Dave: What happened to you?
Beth: I donít know, I stepped inside cause I thought it was a new phone booth or something, so I ran in to graffiti it and the next minute I knew, I was backstage at a circus with all the circus clowns and trapeze and- you know, it was a lot like the circus that my Dad took me to when I was 8.
Jimmy: You ruined my surprise is what you did!
Beth: Iím sorry, I just- here. (Beth makes a balloon hat.)
Jimmy: Itíd be a lot better if it were a poodle.
(Beth makes a poodle. Hands it to Jimmy. Jimmy smiles.)
Jimmy: Oh, I forgive you. How can I not resist that clown smile? (Beth and Jimmy hug. Everyone looks freakishly disgusted.)
Dave: UhhÖMr. James? Whatís going one here?
Jimmy: Oh yeah, I forgot about you guys! Okay, me and my people have figured out a way to be any superhero or celebrity or anything from your dreams that you want!
Joe: What!?
Bill: So I could-(Throws Matthew off of him.) So I could walk in there and turn into like, Phil Hartman or something?
Jimmy: Yeah, but why would you want to be Phil Hartman?
Bill: The man is just dead sexy, am I wrong people? I especially love his caveman character. I mean, the guy is a genius!
(Everyone looks at him weird.)
Jimmy: Well, anyway, you can be someone else just by thinking of the first person once you walk in there.
Matthew: But why did Beth have to think about the clown!?!?! (Matthew starts lashing his arms at Beth. Beth blows a really huge horn in his ear.)
Joe: Why did you think about a clown?
Beth: Well, my mom made me talk to my step- dad and I started thinking of my real dad and the stuff we used to do together and then I remembered when he took me to the circus and I got to go backstage and see all the clowns and everything.
Jimmy: Oh- Awwwwwww. That could be one happy ending right there.
(Screen goes black.)
Jimmy: Hey! Hey now, I said that could be one happy ending!
(Screen goes back to normal.)
Jimmy: Well thenÖthatís better.
Dave: Couldnít this be dangerous?
Jimmy: Oh no. The only way this could be dangerous is if you stay that person or thing for over 2 days.
Lisa: Then what?
Jimmy: You get stuck as that person forever and you get stuck in the land where the person came from.
(Creepy music starts to come on. Everyone looks around in confusion.)
Dave: What- what the hell was that?
Catherine: Is there any way to get back?
Jimmy: Nope
(Creepy music comes on again. Everyone looks around in confusion.)
Matthew: Umm, what was that?
Jimmy: Anyway, I was eating this club sandwich cause Iím gonna be a thin Jimmy pretty soon.
Bill: I donít think that could be possible. (Jimmy looks at him sharply.) Sorry.
Jimmy: No see, I figured that if you take about 10 years back in time, Iíll be thin again.
Dave: But sir, wouldnít you be in Florida?
Jimmy: Yes, but I can just hitch a ride back to New York. See, I have it all figured out!
Matthew: Can we try it now?
Jimmy: Oh sure go ahead!
(Matthew runs to the machine.)
Jimmy: RememberÖ2 days!
(Creepy music comes on. Everyone looks around in confusion.)
Dave: I think we need to get out more often!
(Dave runs up to the machine, pushes Matthew out of the way, and gets in the machine. Jimmy turns to Lisa.)
Jimmy: Oh man, I hope he doesnít hurt himself. Heís been under a lot of pressure lately.
(Creepy music comes on again. Dave pokes his head out of the machine.)
Dave: SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!
(Dave gets back in the machine. 1 minute later, Dave comes out, but he has long hair, bell- bottoms, and little peace tattoos on him.)
Lisa: Oh my God, Dave is that you?!
Dave: Hey, there, man. Everything groovey?
Lisa: Groovey? Dave, what did you think of?
Dave: I just wished Iíd be more relaxed cause Iíve been under a lot of stress lately and then I thought of that movie Dazed and Confused. Hmmm(Dave takes a fatti out of his pocket.) Want some tooty tof?
Lisa: Uhh, no thank you.
(Joe comes out of the machine.)
Jimmy: Hey, youíre me! Oh Joe, you shouldnít idolized me.
Joe: I donít idolize you, I just wanted to have lots of money and blow it on duct tape whores!
(Joe runs off. Bill walks out of the machine as his caveman character on SNL)
Bill: Jim, your machine frightens andÖconfuses my unfrozen caveman brain.
Jimmy: Oh, youíre the unfrozen caveman lawyer from Saturday Night Live, right?
Bill: Yes, now Iím going down to the law firm and then Iím going to go get a drink that confuses my unfrozen caveman mind.
(Bill walks off. Matthew comes out of the machine as a buff ninja with cats following him.)
Beth: Oh my God! (Starts laughing histarically.) Youíre a, hahaha, youíre a cat ninja! (Starts laughing.)
Matthew: Yes, because I have cat- like speed and reflexes! Wooahhh!!! (Starts doing kung- foo moves.)
Beth: Iím sorry! (Beth starts sobbing and runs away.)
Jimmy: What did you do that for, I hate to see a crying clown!
Matthew: Because Iím deathly afraid of clowns! Now Iím going to go kick some more clown ass!
(Matthew runs away.)
Lisa: Arenít you going to go in, Mr. James?
Jimmy: Nah, I want to wait so I can see what you and Catherine look like and make fun of ya.
Lisa: Okay, fine then. Go ahead Catherine.
(Catherine walks in. A minute later she steps out as-

To be continued...   
Part 1   Conclusion