Disclaimer: This episode takes place the summer when Matthew has the idea to go to
The Hamptons, therefore, Bill is alive and Catherine is still in New York. Again, the
characters are not mine, they belong to Paul Simms. Don't expect this to be a good
story, I'm not a joking machine dammit!
The office. Staff meeting.
Dave: So the updates not are going to be 4 minutes long instead of 5. You got that
(Bill takes out a tape recorder and plays it) Tape: updates going to be 4 minuets
instead of 5. You got that Bill?.
Dave: Alright. So, if no one else has anything to say, meeting's adjourn.
Everyone (Annoyed): Oh, great.
Dave: Go ahead Matthew.
Matthew: About the summer at The Hamptons. I was talking to the coordinator and
he said that the house we were going to is going to be repaired during the summer.
Beth: So what? we don't get to go?
Matthew: Well, the good news is that there's another house available.
Lisa: What's the bad news?
Matthew: It's a bigger house and it's more expensive. But since it's not our fault that
the other house is being repaired he said that it'll cost the same if we all go at the
Catherine: We can't all go at the same time, who's gonna run the station?
Joe: You know if you want to hire a temporary staff while we're there I know some
Dave: No, that's ok Joe, thanks. We'll figure this out later. Now you 2 get in the
Bill and Catherine go into the booth and the rest of the staff start doing their jobs.
Dave goes into his office and Mr. James comes in.
Mr. James: Hey Dave, what's happening!
Dave: Hi Mr. James. Aren't you supposed to be in that United Nations convention?
Mr. James: (mumbles)
Dave: What's that?
Mr. James: They threw me out.
Mr. James: I drew a picture of the prime minister of Cambodia and passed it around,
then the mediator said "Mr. James is there something you'd like to share with the rest
of us?" and then I said "If I had something I wanted to share I would've killed that
Santa Claus at Macys and I would've stolen his costume" and then there was a lot of
swearing and they threw me out.
Dave: Way to make connections.
Mr James: Yea well those people are a bunch of drunken idiots anyway, what's 411?
Matthew (coming in): Dave what are we going to do about the Hamptons?
Dave: Matthew I'm kinda busy right now.
Mr James: What about the Hamptons?
Matthew:We can't go unless we all go together
Mr James: And what's the problem?
Matthew: Who's gonna run the station?
Mr James: I'll just hire a temporary staff
Dave: No, sir you can't just hire a bunch of inexperienced strangers to run the station
Mr James: How do you think you guys got here in the first place?
Matthew: This is going to be great! Dave can I call a staff meeting?
Matthew: Oh come on Dave. Don't you wanna know where you'll be sleeping with
Dave: Beth call up a staff meeting
Beth: Staff! Meeting!
At the table
Matthew: So everything up and going. We'll meet here at 8 am on Friday where Joe
will pick us up in his van and we'll head to the Hamptons. So be punctual.
Bill: What if I'm not here at 8?
Matthew: Ok we'll wait for Bill, but no one else. So there's 4 rooms and we're 7.
Mr James: What do you mean 7, I'm not going?
Matthew: No, yea of course you are
Lisa: Dave and I are going to need the big bed
Catherine: In your dreams
Everyone starts arguing
Dave: Alright we'll figure this out when we get there.Why doesn't everyone goes
back to work?
Everyone: Fine, whatever.
That Friday. Everyone's there in front of the elevators waiting. They're all wearing
shorts, looking very tropical.
Catherine: Where the hell is Matthew?
Beth: So Bill, where's your luggage.
Bill: I won't be needing much, if you know what I mean.
Beth: Ewww (runs away crying)
Lisa: You know Dave I went shopping yesterday.
Dave: did ya now?
Lisa: I went to a very special store.
Dave: uh huh?
Lisa: It's called the Lingerie Emporium.
Opens her bag and shows something to Dave. Dave takes a look to what's inside.
Dave: Ok everyone let's go, now!
Beth: Matthew's not here yet.
Dave: He'll manage to get there and if he doesn't, no one here's going to miss him.
Matthew: I'm here, sorry about that, my cats where..
Dave: Nobody cares, let's go!
Everyone: Whoo hoo, alright!
At the Hamptons, everyone's getting off the van.
Matthew: oh no, we're late.
Joe: We would've been here on time if we didn't have to stop every 5 seconds!
Matthew: I told you I have an overactive bladder.
Bill: Hey Matthew have you ever thought about wearing diapers? They're very comfy,
you should give them a try sometime.
Dave: Ok everyone I don't care if Matthew pees his pants to death alright? Matthew
where are the keys?
Matthew: Oh yea.
He takes out a huge key chain of a cat with like 45 keys on it.
Mr James: Please tell me you know which one's the key.
Matthew: It was definitely a copper one.
Beth: They're all copper.
Lisa: Ok everyone, grab 5 keys and start trying.
Joe: You know, if this is how the weekend started let's just quit now and go home.
She opens the door and everyone gets inside.
Catherine: Wow, very fancy!
Beth: Yea, way to go Matthew!
Matthew: Yea, now everyone saw the rooms.
Joe: Count me out, I'm going to camp outside.
Joe: Care to join me?
Catherine: Not a chance. Beth and I will take the one with 2 beds.
Dave: Lisa and I will go to the one with the big bed.
Bill: I want the one next to Dave and Lisa.
Everyone: eww, sick
Mr. James: I'll take the one that's left
Matthew: Great! let's unpack.
Bill's room. Matthew comes in.
Matthew: Hi roomie!
Matthew: Your room is the only one with a bed left so we'll be sharing some space eh
partner (hits him playfully on the arm)
Bill: Don't touch me.
Bill: Ok, I guess it could be worse. So here are the rules if the room. I can come in
and out as I please, you have to knock. If you snore, you're out. I snore like a bear
with bronchitis so get used to it.
Mathew: Fine. I'll be quiet as a mouse.
Bill: You better
Matthew: Why are you putting the beds together?
Bill: I have to, I have ah... back..problem. Have to sleep in a big bed.
Matthew: Come on Bill, I have to sleep on a bed, carpets give me allergies.
Bill: So? You bought your medications with you.
Dave and Lisa's room
Dave: You know, if you want to we can just skip lunch, the beach and dinner and go
straight to the fun part.
Lisa: Oh come on Dave, I'm starving.
Dave: We can bring food to the bed
They start kissing and fall to the bed. Matthew comes in.
Matthew: Dave, Bill wont let me go to the bathroom.
Dave: Matthew we are not in the office, I'm not your boss right now so figure it out
Lisa: GO AWAY!!
Matthew leaves and they continue to make out. Mr. James room. Beth and Catherine
come in both wearing their bathing suits.
Catherine: Hey Jimmy, do you want to go to the beach?
Mr James: So soon?
Beth: Bill is following us around with a camera. He tried to sneak in while we were
Mr James: Yea sure, let's go.
Beth: You're not changing?
Mr James: Nah, I don't like to get into the ocean, I always end up with sand all over
my squid, if you know what I mean.
Catherine: Oh come on Jimmy, just this once.
Bill (in the distance): Cathy, Bethy, yoo hoo
Catherine: We have 2 more days, let's go!
They run to the beach. Outside Joe is putting up his tent
Beth: Hey Joe, wanna go to the beach?
Joe: Not yet, I'm still setting this up.
Catherine (picking up what looks like a Nintendo remote control.): You brought a
Joe: No, that's an air conditioner.
Everyone stares at him with a "yea right" looks on their faces. Back into the house
Dave and Lisa are still making out. Suddenly they hear a noise.
Lisa: What was that?
Dave gets up and discovers Bill behind the door with a camera
Dave: Bill what are you doing?
Bill: Making a memory.
Dave: Bill get some help.
Lisa: Come on Dave, let's go to the beach.
Bill: Hey Lisa don't you have to change into a bikini to go to the beach?
Lisa: Not while you're still in the house. I'm changing somewhere else.
Dave: Why do you always find the need to hit on my girlfriend while I'm standing
right in front of you?
Bill: You enjoy it as much as she does
Dave: No I don't, and she doesn't either.
Bill (laughing): You always say that.
Lisa: Dave come on
Dave: Coming. Bill please find something constructive to do.
Later that evening everyone's coming back from the beach.
Beth: Well that was pretty....DISGUSTING!!!!
Dave: Really Bill....I've seen small Speedos before but those are just suicidal. How do
you breathe in those things?
Bill: Breathing is something I'm willing to give up in order to show this sexy body to
Lisa: I think I'm gonna be sick
Dave: And frolicking around in the waves with a beach ball didn't help much either
Bill: I won't give them up.
Catherine: Well you stay away from me then, I don't even wanna see a little skin
between your watch and your sleeve.
Bill: That's not the way you used to think.
Catherine: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Jimmy: Alright everyone calm down, dinner's here.
After dinner everyone goes to their rooms. Matthew is sleeping on the floor and Bill is
on the 2 beds putting a cup against the wall. On the other side of the door Dave and
Lisa were getting ready to go to bed.
Lisa: Well I gotta admit that this wasn't such a bad idea after all. It's very relaxing.
Dave: Yeah well, prepare to be stressed
He picks her up and throws her to the bed. They start kissing and then taking their
clothes off. Then..
Dave: What? what...I shaved
Lisa: Oh my God
Dave: What?! Are you ok?
Lisa: Dave, I don't think we're gonna be able to...you know... tonight
Dave: Oh no, come on I've been waiting a whole day!!
Lisa: I'm sorry.
Dave: Well, what happened?
Lisa: I just got an image of Bill on my head, you know....with the Speedos
Lisa: I can't get it off my head! It's like when you have a bad song you can't get off
Dave: Well, sing something different!
Lisa: I think I'm gonna hurl
She runs off to the bathroom. Dave just sits in the bed angry, he punches the wall with
his fist. On the other side Bill, who's still trying to listen, falls to the floor. The next
morning everyone's having breakfast. Dave comes in, gives Lisa a peck on the lips
and sits down.
Beth: How was your night Dave?
Dave (sarcastic): Oh, we are just having the best time ever, aren't we honey?
Lisa runs off to the bathroom.
Jimmy: Well what's wrong with her?
Dave: She...ate something last night.
Joe (presumptuous): Yea I'm sure she did.
Dave: Can we all focus on our own problems?
Bill: Listen Dave..
Dave: Oh shut up Bill, YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
He gets up and leaves.
Beth: Well I'm done. Catherine?
Catherine: I'm still..
Beth: I said Catherine.
Catherine: Well I'm done.
They go to their room.
Catherine: What's wrong with you?
Beth: We've gotta do something about Bill's Speedos
Catherine: What are we going to do about it?
Beth: I don't know, we have to steal them or something.
Catherine: Beth just let it go.
Beth: Do you want to enjoy your vacations or not?
Catherine: Fine, I'm in.
Beth: Good, here's the plan
They start planning on their mission. Out in the porch Dave is sitting in a rocking
chair, Lisa comes in.
Lisa: Dave? I'm very sorry about last night, I really tried.
Dave: well, it's not your fault I guess
Lisa: I really wanna make it up to you, how about tonight?
Dave: What do you have in mind?
Lisa: Well, remember the night of 6 times?
Dave (curious): Yeah?
Lisa: Well, let's say that after tonight we'll have something better to brag about. What
do you think?
Lisa: That's what I thought.
Inside the house.
Beth: Hey Joe, we need your help with something.
Joe: What is it?
Catherine: We need you to take Bill away, to drink or something
Beth: Because we're going to steal his Speedos
Joe: Oh, I don't know.
Beth: If you do, I'll let you see me naked.
Catherine: Not a chance in hell.
Joe: Well I guess one out of two is not that bad.
Beth: Great, thanks Joe. Oh! Here he comes.
Bill walks in
Joe: Hey Bill, I saw a bar next to the beach filled with women, wanna go hunting?
Bill: I don't know
Joe: Come on Bill, you know what they say about beach women.
Bill: Ok I'm in.
They exit and Beth and Catherine go to Bill's room. Matthew is in there
Beth: What are you doing here?
Matthew: What are you doing here.
Catherine: Nothing, go back to what you were doing.
Matthew: Why are you looking through Bill's drawers?
Beth: Were.... going to do his laundry
Matthew: Wait a minute, are you trying to steal his Speedos
Beth: No, of course not.
Catherine: Found it!
Matthew: You are trying to steal his Speedos!
Catherine: Matthew not a word.
They walk out and Matthew follows them to the living room.
Matthew: Why are you doing this?
Beth: Matthew we're doing it for the good if the entire house.
Catherine: Shut up Matthew!
He tries to run into the balcony but knocks himself out with a glass door and falls to
Later that day.
Beth: Hey everyone, we're going to the beach, anyone care to join us? Bill?
Bill: Well of course, I'm gonna go get changed.
Beth and Catherine exchange glances. Bill comes back with another pair of Speedos
on. Catherine and Beth look surprised and angry.
Catherine: Where did you get that?
Bill: I couldn't find my other pair and a gentleman always leaves the house with
Beth starts crying and runs off to the beach.
At the beach, Dave and Lisa are walking along the shore.
Lisa: This is nice.
Dave: Yeah, are you sure that tonight we can...
Lisa: For the 498 time, yes
Dave: You swear?
Lisa: Cross my heart.
Suddenly Bill runs by in his Speedos
Dave: Is what you just saw going to affect...
On the other side Beth and Catherine are laying on the sand. Matthew is on the shore
trying to build a sand castle.
Matthew: I'm done! Welcome to Matthew's enchanted castle. Bwuaaa!
A wave comes and destroys the castle, Matthew starts screaming like a girl and runs
off to the house. A little to the right Joe is staring at his castle, which is complete with
a garage door and a cable satellite.
That night in the house.
Joe: Hey Bill, come here.
Bill: What is it?
Joe: Well tonight is our last night here
Joe: And I was wondering if you'd be interested in playing Beth and Catherine a little
Bill: I'm listening.
Catherine and Beth's. There's a knock on the door and Joe enters.
Matthew: Hey Joe
Joe: What are you doing here?
Matthew: Keeping in touch with my feminine side.
Joe: I tough that was your only side
Joe: Nevermind. Catherine? Beth? Do you guys wanna go outside and have some
outdoor fun? You know, bonfire, marshmallows, things like that?
Beth: Sounds good
Catherine: Yea, I'm in
Matthew: Me too
Joe: You're not invited
Matthew: Why not?
Joe: Because I don't want you there. Come on guys.
They go outside. On Dave and Lisa's room. Lisa is in the bathroom and Dave is on the
bed like a kid waiting for Christmas.
Lisa: Are you ready?
Dave: Oh yeah!
Lisa comes out with a very sexy and short lingerie, it's black and with a very low
Dave: Oh mama.
Lisa: Would you like to unwrap this present Mr. Nelson?
They start kissing on the bed, Lisa takes off Dave's clothes and he tries to take off
her's but is so nervous that he can't do it, Finally Lisa does it herself and they start
making out. Suddenly Matthew comes in.
Dave: Matthew what the hell are you doing here?
Dave and Lisa cover themselves under the sheets
Matthew: I have to talk to you
Lisa: Matthew can't you see we're in the middle of something?
Dave: Matthew get out!
Matthew walks in and sits on the bed
Matthew: It's just that sometimes I feel like the people in the office don't like me at
all, I mean they're always having fun on their own and never invite me. Right now the
girls and Joe are having a camping party and they didn't want me to come. And you
two are having a pajama party and you didn't want me here either.
Dave: Look Matthew I understand how you feel but now isn't the time, we'll talk
about it tomorrow.
Matthew: But I feel really sad Dave, I need to be with someone and you are a good
Dave (to Lisa): I thought you locked the door.
Lisa (To Dave): I thought you did.
Dave: Matthew, can't you just go and talk to Mr. James?
Matthew: He's not here.
Jimmy walks in.
Mr. James: Hey gang.
Matthew: Hi Mr. James!
Dave: Can everyone please get the hell out of here!!
Mr. James: What's going on?
Matthew: We're having a pajama party. Wanna join.
Dave: NO! No one can join, GET OUT!!
Mr. James: Of course, I'm a sucker for pajama parties. Are we playing truth or dare?
Matthew: Oh that's a great idea! Dave, truth or dare?
Dave (crying): Noooooo!
Outside. Catherine, Beth and Joe are sitting around the fire. Joe is holding a flash
light to his face and telling a scary story.
Joe: And then, every night, after that night, till the present , the villagers say that they
can hear the screams of the children who died that night, who are being chased by the
big monster of the beach. Some people even say that they have seen him walking
around, looking for victims. Where ever there's a beach, there he is.
Beth and Catherine are obviously scared.
Beth: Did they ever caught him?
Joe: No, he's very sneaky and he can trick the smartest of the human beings into
thinking he's harmless and then, when he gets their trust, crrrrrr, he snaps off their
Suddenly there's a sound in the distance, like someone stepping on a branch.
Beth: What was that?
Joe: I didn't hear anything
Catherine: There it is again. There's someone out there
Joe: Come one you guys, everyone's at the house.
Beth: What if it's not human?
Joe: Well, we are near the beach
Beth: It's the beach boogie man!
Bill comes out dressed in brown with leaves all over him and blood dripping off his
Beth and Catherine: AHHHHHHH!!!!
Bill and Joe start laughing
Bill: That'll teach you to steal my Speedos
Catherine: I HATE YOU!!!
They run away, knocking Joe's tent down.
Inside the house Dave and Lisa are still under the covers naked, while Matthew and
Mr. James are still on the bed.
Matthew and Mr. James (singing): with a cheek cheek here and a cheek cheek there,
here a cheek there a cheek, every where a (they point to Dave)
Dave (monotonous): Cheek Cheek
Matthew and Mr. James: Old McDonald had a farm eea eea io
Dave: ok that's it, party's over, everyone out.
Mr James: Oh come on Dave
Mr James: Alright
Matthew: We had a lot of fun Dave thanks for inviting us!
They leave and close the door.
Dave: Alright, where were we.
Looks to his side to find Lisa sleeping.
Dave: Oh no,no no no, Lisa wake up
He tries to wake her up but only makes her cuddle up to him.
Dave: Oh no, not cuddling. Oh, what do you have to do to get some around here.!!
Next Morning. Everyone's packed. Joe comes into the house full of hives.
Mr. James: What's wrong with you?
Joe: Catherine knocked over my tent last night and crashed my automatic mosquito
Catherine: It was your fault for scaring us.
Joe: It was your fault for being such a chicken
Beth: Don't talk to her like that
They start arguing.
Matthew: Ok come on people, where's the love?
Everyone: Shut up
Dave comes out.
Dave: Let's get the hell out of here
Matthew: But Dave..
Dave: Let's go!
In the van. Everyone is angry looking outside and not talking to eachother.
Mr James: Hey Joe, stop. There's my beach house!
Beth: You have a beach house at the Hamptons?
Mr James: Of course Beth, I'm a billionaire.
Dave: You mean that I had to cuddle up for two nights in a row when you could've
just given me the keys to your house?
Mr. James: Oh come on Dave, we all learned a lesson about sharing and respecting
eachoher's personal space.
Everyone looks at him like they're about to kill him except Bill.
Bill: I had fun, we should do this more often
Everyone looks at him with hate in their eyes.
Bill: What? Oh damn, I forgot one of my Speedos. Can we turn....
We see a snap of the van accelerating.