Jan Hooks Examination continued
"I had no family left, no one to run to. It was a Saturday night. We were in Colorado for a SNL reunion, and we staying in this wonderful hotel. We had gathered around the fireplace that night. (she could feel the heat from the flames on her face. They smiled to themselves.) Phil was there sitting next to me, just making small talk."
She giggled out loud "Oh Phil, you are too much!"
"I can see this bar girl coming toward our little group. She is very pretty. Very short skirt, low-cut blouse. She's asking us if we want anything to drink. I pass. She bends down next to me and whispers something into Phil's ear. I caught a few words like 'later' 'your suite'. Her breasts looked like they were going to spill out. She slipped a note into Phil's hand. It upsets me. I tell everyone I am tired, and stand to leave. Phil is too involved with the girl to notice. I take the elevator up to my suite."
Soft whimpers escape her. The picture on the screen becomes cloudy from her tears until it is like looking through a lens coated with Vaseline. She forced composure.
"I'm sorry, but this is very hard to do. Do I have to continue?"
Yes, little one, you must.
"Alright then. I go into my empty room and decide to take a shower. The skylight lets the moon shine in, and it is very beautiful. I wish I could share it with…someone. I turn the shower on and crank up the hot water. I am trying to get rid of the cold inside of me, but I can't. I begin to wash, and that is when I notice the lump. It is hard and feels like a marble. I pull my hand away quickly. I don't want to feel it. Don't want to know. But my hand goes back to it and I recheck. Yep, there it is. I get out and just stand there. I am naked and I am shaking. I need to talk to someone. I need to share this and be reassured. I want to go to Phil and talk but I know he is "busy." I call him anyway."
Examination of Philip Hartmann continued
There he was on the screen, his memories as sharp as a knife now. He was helpless to stop them. He wasn't in this makeshift theater anymore. He was back in Aspen. Back in that room. Getting head from that very talented lady who worked at the bar. To say that she knew what she was doing was an understatement. Then the phone rang. Damn it, why now? He looked down at this woman between his legs who never missed a beat. He shoved the phone off of the night table, the thought of who it might by as far away as his whore of a wife back in LA. He was so close, so very close. And he was angry and didn't know why. He grabbed the girl by the back of the head and wrapped his fingers in her hair. He forced himself deeper into her mouth, hoping that the release he longed for would release him from everything else in his mind. She gagged once, then seemed to enjoy the harsh treatment.
Back 'home' his hands came up to his head and he ran his fingers through his own hair. There was blood on his palms from his own nails digging in. He felt no pain. He didn't want to feel anything. He stood up and turned away from the screen.
"You are enjoying this aren't you? Is this how you get your kicks? Well I am not playing your sick little game anymore. This is where I draw the line."
We know your anguish. We feel your total self-hatred for how you let her down. But child, don't you see that the anger you felt during that experience blinded you to everything else?
"No, don't YOU see that the only thing I was blinded by was a mind blowing orgasm? Doesn't anything shock you?" He let his head fall forward. They waited. When he lifted it again, tears were streaming down his face. "I let her down!" he hollered into the darkness. "She needed me so badly at that moment and I was too 'busy' (he said with disgust) to be bothered to answer the phone.' He sat back down and buried his face in his hands.
(They were pleased. He had opened his soul just enough to let a bit of hurt pour out. They nodded to each other.)
Would you like to right it? If you could do it again, would you right it?
Once more he stared blindly into the darkness. Searching for their faces.
"I would give anything to change that moment."