New Hampshire, New Hampshire

Disclaimer: All right you guys, I couldn't sleep the other night so I decided to start writing this story. Keep in mind that I am not a writer nor a comedian, so please don't e-mail me to tell me that my story sucks, cause I already know that. It sucks so bad that it could be the best Suddenly Susan episode. Anyhoo, the characters are not mine, if they were I would've moved the show to Fox or something, they belong to Paul Simms (a.k.a. God), and a bunch of other people who's names I don't know. Well without further ado, here's my story, I hope you enjoy it and any positive comments are welcomed.


It was another day of work at WNYX for Dave. In the old days he looked forward to waking up every morning to go to the station, but now he felt like there was something missing, now he was just another victim of alienation. In the last 5 years his life had taken a huge U-turn. No one, especially him, thought that he would last a day in New York City, he took the job only because it was a great opportunity to learn more about his job. But now as he sat on his desk staring at his blank computer, he realized that the last 5 years had been the best of his life. Of course anything can be better than living in Wisconsin with his parents and a bunch of friendless pale virgins, but he never thought that he'd get so attached to his work here. Well, he had to admit that since everyone moved to New Hampshire things hadn't been as fun as they used to, and Matthew's presence wasn't helping much either. Ever since the others left, Matthew had been trying to bond with Dave, which was very excruciating.

He looked at the picture of the gang on his coffee mug and he smiled. He missed them a lot, even when they made him wanna take off his clothes and jump off his window every day. Suddenly his new secretary came in unnexpectedly, making him jump and drop coffee on his shirt.

Joanna: "I'm sorry Mr. Nelson"
Dave: "That's ok, Joanna, but please call me Dave."
Joanna: "Yes, Mr. Nelson. I just came in to tell you that your mother called."
Dave: "Thanks, Joanna. Is that all?"
Joanna: "Yes, Mr. Nelson. Excuse me." And she walked out.

4 weeks and she still calls me Mr. Nelson, he thought. Beth would be looking through his things and showing up at his appartment to ask him what numbers he thought were lucky to play her stupid lottery. He opened up his drawer to find something to clean his shirt with. He stopped when he found something he thought he had gotten rid of a long time ago. It was the picture of Lisa she had given him on their 2nd anniversary. He took it out and put it on his desk. As he looked at it, he started thinking about their relationship. Almost 4 years. Everyone thought they wouldn't last 2 hours. He thought about their little fights and the way she would turn him on when she yelled at him. They had some hard times but they would always find themselves on each others' arms afterwards. They knew each other better than they knew themselves. "You misspelled embarassed, you always do." "I kinda had the feeling that you would do that."

They always seemed distant from one another in front of the staff, mainly because they wanted to keep their personal and professional lives separate, which gave everyone a reason to beleive they were just in it for the sex. But he really loved her, and she loved him back. They loved each other more than they cared to admit. He kicked himself a thousand times for breaking up with her, and then a thousand times more for not building up the courage to tell her that he wanted her back. But now it was too late, she was married to an evil hobo and living in another state. He put the picture back on the desk drawer and looked at the picture of Bill he had on his office. "Well, Bill, what do you think?". He just wanted someone to tell him what to do, even thought he already knew what he wanted to do. His new staff were just a bunch of "yes men", and even Matthew had been acting weird lately, weirder than usual. As he stared out the window looking at the city, he came up with a decision.

Meanwhile in New Hampshire, the staff had settled in really well on the new station. They had been having problems finding affordable appartments so they were all living at Mr. James' cabin in the meantime, which made him really happy, as he was usually alone. The weekly newspaper he bought for Lisa didn't do very well so they had to close it, which landed her the job of producer/on air talent at the new station. Four weeks after they had moved they were having dinner at Mr. James.

Max: "So that is when she told me that it wasn't a cow, it was a bull", he laughs hysterically. The rest were clearly bored with his story, maybe some things will never change.
Mr. James: "Yeah. So, I talked to my neighboor today, he thinks he'll be able to find you all cheap places to live but not for a couple of weeks.
Lisa: "Actually, I kinda like it in here."
Beth: "Me, too. My old appartment was so small I could cook dinner, watch Judge Judy on the couch, and clean the bathroom all at the same time."
Mr. James: "Ok that's fine with me, just remember..."
Everyone: "No wandering beyond the West Wing."
Mr. James: "Good."
Lisa: "Well, I'm very tired, I think I'll call it a night."
Max: "Are you going to finish that?"

Lisa throws her food on Max's plate and leaves the room. Everyone does the same and go to bed, and Max stays alone with all the food and a big smile on his face.

Back in New York

Dave was packing all his things. He had decided he wanted things back the way they were. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Dave: "Coming. Matthew, what are you doing here again?"
Matthew: "I snuck out while my cats were asleep, I need to tell you something."
Dave: "Couldn't you just use the phone?"
Matthew: "Huh?"
Dave: "Nevermind, just tell me what it is."
Matthew: "Well, you know how the staff moved?"
Dave: "Yes."
Matthew: "To New Hampshire?"
Dave: "Yes, I know"
Matthew: "You know, a month ago."
Dave: "Yes, I know Matthew, get on with it!"
Matthew: "Right, ok. Well, I've decided to move to New Hampshire, too."
Dave: "I-I-Is that so?
Matthew: "Yeah, I mean I know I said we'd work together forever, but I really miss the guys. Plus, you know the new staff?"
Dave: "Yes?"
Matthew: "They think I'm toooo weird!"
Dave(not surprised): "Really."
Matthew: "Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I could work with people who think I'm weird, even though I am."
Dave: "Well Matthew, uh geez, congratulations?"
Matthew: "Thanks, I mean I talked to my mom and she's ok with it, she said something about eternal tranquility. Besides, I can visit every weekend, right?"
Dave: "I guess you can, Matthew."
Matthew: "So, what's up with all the boxes?"
Dave: "Well Matthew, my plan was to leave and never let you find out of my whereabouts, but since we share the same destination, I guess I should tell you, even though I'm going to regret it in 5 minutes. I'm going to New Hampshire, too."
Matthew: "Oh, that's great!" He hugs Dave and picks him up. "Now we really can work together forever, we are going to have so much fun!"
Dave: "Yeah, I, I think we will." he said while taking a shot of vodka.

Back at Mr James'

Lisa is getting ready to go to bed when Beth walks in.

Beth: "Hey Lisa, can I borrow a razor? I have a date tonight."
Lisa: "What happened to yours?"
Beth: "I ran out when I tried to shave the horse Mr. James bought me, I wanted to give it a Dennis Rodman kinda look."
Lisa: "Sure, here you go. Have fun on your date."
Beth(laughs): "Please!"

She leaves, and someone knocks on the door.

Lisa: "For crying out loud Beth, what do you want now, my dress?"
Dave: "I would, but I promised myself I wouldn't try that again after that black dress"
Lisa: "Dave!!" She jumps into his arms like a little girl.

"Oh, I'm so happy to see you!"
Dave: "Wow, this is a little more exciting than I expected!"
Lisa: "What are you doing here?"
Dave: "Well, you're looking at the new News Director of Jimmy's station."
Lisa: "Really? That's great"
Dave: "You mean that?"
Lisa: "Of course, we've missed you so much"
Dave: "I missed you guys, too. That's why I decided to move here."
Lisa: "That's sweet. So, where are you staying?"
Dave: "Well, I was going to stay at this cheap motel, but Mr. James wants me to stay here with you guys. The bad news is that Matthew came with me. If you think working with him is frustrating, try flying with him while he calls the stewardess every 4 minutes to see how his cats are doing."
Lisa: "Well, I guess we missed him, too, in a weird kinda way."
Dave: "Well, I'm sorry. Were you going to bed?"
Lisa: "Well, I didn't have anything to do, so I thought I'd get some sleep. But come in, I'll tell you everything about the station." He looks at her in a weird day. "Oh, come on Dave, it's not the first time we've shared a bed."
Dave: "It's not that, you seem happy. Are you drunk?"
Lisa: "It's not that, I guess it's the country, everything's so pretty here and people are so nice. Look! fresh Daisies."
Dave: "Your favorites."
Lisa: "Yup."
Dave: "So tell me about the station."

The next day everyone's having breakfast, including Matthew and Dave.

Max: "So then the horse actually ate my old sandwich."
Everyone: "Great, yeah, shut up."
Matthew: "By the way Lisa, Choo Choo and Mitt Mitt are allergic to dogs, so keep Daisy away from them."
Lisa: "Matthew, I'm not going to follow my dog around all the time, and if there's a problem it'll probably be your cats' fault because they're vicious and evil."
Max: "That's true, so keep them away from my pig."
Lisa: "Besides, Mr. James has a no animals inside the house policy."
Matthew: "What? so they have to live outside like some sort of animals?"
Joe: "They are animals, freak!"
Beth: "Besides, we all hate your cats."
Max: "Yeah, yesterday one of them was spying on me while I was taking a shower."
Beth: "That's gross."
Max: "I know, he's sick."
Beth: "I mean the idea of you taking a shower."
Max: "You wish"
Joe: "Shut up, Max."
Mr. James: "Well, seeing as everything's back to normal, we don't we all get going before we're late?"

Later, at the station

Dave is wondering around.

Lisa: "So that's the booth, and this is your office. We didn't have a news director so I've been doing your job for the last few weeks."
Dave: "I like it, it's cozy."
Lisa: "Well, it's kinda small, but you'll get used to it. If you want to we can get you a couch."
Dave: "Nah, that's ok, this is just fine."
Lisa: "Listen Dave, I wanted to talk to you." She closes the door.
Dave: "Is something wrong?"
Lisa: "No, it's nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I'm not married to Johnny anymore."
Dave: "Really?"
Lisa: "Yeah. No one knows about it, and I wanted to tell you first because you're the closest friend I have and I guess I needed some support before I told everyone else."
Dave: "Well, I think that's good news, but what made you change your mind?"
Lisa: "Well, I thought a lot about what you said and it all started making sense. I mean, our relationship was purely sexual, so I thought what's going to happen when that goes away? you know?"
Dave: "Yeah, you know what, Lisa? You deserve someone better."
Lisa: "Thanks, Dave. I'll let you get to work now."
Dave: "Ok, see ya."

He starts taking his things out of his box when Beth comes in.

Beth: "Here ya go Dave, your first coffee in New Hampshire."
Dave: "Thanks, Beth, but it's not the first. I had one this morning."
Beth: "Let me live my moment, Dave. Geez, you look exhausted."
Dave: "Well, I stayed up until 3 a.m. with Lisa."
Beth: "Oooooh, did you guys made luuuuuuuv?"
Dave: "No, we didn't. We were just talking."
Beth: "You know Dave, if you want to get her back you can make her move, she's not married anymore."
Dave: "She told you that?"
Beth: "No, I was listening to her phone conversations with her lawyer."
Dave: "Beth!"
Beth: "I also have a copy of the divorce papers, do you want one?"
Dave: "Why do you feel the need to know about everyone's privates lives?"
Beth: "My mom made me do it in the neighborhood so she could know if my dad was cheating on her."

He looks at her in a weird way, she smiles and leaves. Then Joe comes in.

Joe: "Here ya go, Dave I made you a welcome back present."
Dave: "Joe, what is this?"
Joe: "I call it the Garelli Milker 1000. You can milk cows without even touching them."
Dave: "Thanks, Joe. I'm sure I'll use it someday."
Joe: "So, you and Lisa getting back together again?"
Dave: "No, whatever gave you that idea?"
Joe: "Beth told me you guys stayed up all night. You know she's not married anymore, right?"
Dave: "What do people have to do to keep a secret around here?"
Joe: "Sorry Dave, that's not how we operate." He leaves and Max comes in.
Max: "Hey, Dave."
Dave: "Ah Max, great."
Max: "I just wanted to welcome you back with this chocolate doughnut."
Dave: "Thanks, Max."
Max: "And because we're starting on a new state, I thought we should put all our differences aside."
Dave: "Whatever, Max"
Max: "Great! You are going to love it here. The muffins are always fresh and the bread always smells good and the doughnuts..."
Dave: "Max, as much as I appreciate this little culinary bonding, I have work to do, and you have an update in 30 seconds."
Max: "Of course, I'll tell you about those muffins later." He winks at Dave and leaves.

Later that day, Max and Matthew are walking around in the backyard, along with all the animals, including the cats.

Max: "So this is the barn and here's where Mr. Lulliputty plays in the mud."
Matthew: "Why does he roll around in the mud?"
Max: "Because, pigs don't have sweat glands and that's how they cool their bodies."
Matthew: "Oh. How do you think that feels?"
Max: "I don't know"

They look mischeviously at each other, then take their clothes off, except for their underpants, and start rolling around in the mud. Daisy and Mr. Lulliputty join them. The cats just stand there looking at them.

Matthew: "Hey, this is cool!"
Max: "Told ya!"
Matthew: "What's that on the roof?"
Max: "I don't know, it looks like a big parakeet to me."
Matthew: "Oh, it jumped down."

20 minutes later they are still rolling around in the mud.

Max: "Uh-oh."
Matthew: "What's wrong?"
Max: "Look at Daisy. Oh, Lisa's going to kill me, again. I promised I'd stay away from her dog, somehow we always end up here in the mud."
Matthew: "What are we going to do? She went grocery shopping and she should back any minute."
Max: "To the hoses!"

They give Daisy a bath and they shower themselves as well.

Max: "There, good as new!"
Matthew: "Lisa's here!"

In the kitchen, Dave and Lisa are unpacking the food when Max and Matthew come in.

Max: "Hi, Lisa."
Lisa: "Hi."
Max: "How are you?"
Lisa: "Why?"
Max: "Because everything's ok here, just, a-ok"
Lisa: "Ok, what's wrong?"
Max: "Nothing's wrong. Everything's ok."
Matthew: "And there's nothing wrong with the dog, either"
Lisa: "Oh my God, what did you do to her now? Daisy!" Daisy runs in all clean, Lisa picks her up.
Max: "See? she's ok, just ok."
Lisa: "Why is there mud on her ear?"
Max: "Um"
Dave (looking at Matthew): "Why is there mud in your ear?"
Lisa: "I told you to keep away from the mud puddle!!! Max, I'm going to kill you." She storms out. Dave looks at them in a weird way.
Matthew: "We were just..."
Dave: "Save it." He leaves.

Beth's room:

There's a knock on the door.

Beth: "Come in."
Joe: "Hey, Beth"
Beth: "Hey, Joe, what's up?"
Joe: "I need your help with something."
Beth: "What is it?"
Joe: "I built this radiotelesope to detect alien life, and I need someone to get in the roof and install it for me."
Beth: "Why me?"
Joe: "Because you're small and skinny, and the other 2 people in the house are Max and Matthew."
Beth: "Fine."


Joe is on the ground and Beth is on the roof.

Joe: "Ok, just a little more to the left. There! Stop right there. Ok, you can come down now, Beth. Beth?"
Beth: "Joe? There's an unidentified life form here."
Joe: "Where? Where?!"
Beth: "On your right."
Joe: "That's just Max and Matthew in the mud."
Beth: "Why is Max wearing a black shirt?"
Joe: "He's not."
Beth: "Ewww! Get me off here!"
Joe: "Don't stare at it!"
Beth: "I can't get it out of my head!"
Joe: "Ok, just move to the ledge and jump, I'll catch you."
Beth: "Yeah right, that's what my stepfather said when our house was on fire."
Joe: "Just do it."

She jumps, and he catches her.

Beth: "Let's get outta here."

That night, Dave is in his room unpacking. There's a knock on the door and he answers.

Dave: "Oh, hey Lisa. It's friday night, what are you doing here?"
Lisa: "Everyone is out on a state fair and I wasn't in the mood so I decided to stay."
Dave: "Yeah, me too."
Lisa: "So, do you wanna watch a movie in the tv room?"
Dave: "Sure, I'll be right out."

An hour later they are both in the TV room. A movie is playing, but they are not paying attention as they are talking and laughing. They're both in their pajamas and there are pillows and comforters all around.

Dave (Between laughs): "Remember when you asked me about the naked pictures while I was on the phone with my mom?"
Lisa: "Oh God, that was embarassing."
Dave: "Don't worry, later that day I told her you were Beth."
Lisa: "Well, thanks for that."
Dave: "We had some good times, didn't we?"
Lisa: "We certainly did."
Dave: "Yeah."
Lisa: "So, why did you break up with me?"
Dave: "It was a mutual decision."
Lisa: "Really? Between whom? Because I don't remember giving you my opinion."
Dave: "Look, I know it was my mistake, but to make you feel better, I was the one who had to suffer without you."
Lisa: "Really?"
Dave: "Yeah. I mean seeing you everyday and finding your things at my apartment and then having to be the best man at your wedding..."
Lisa: "Why didn't you tell me?"
Dave: "I don't know, it's kinda hard for me to... you know."
Lisa: "Yeah, I understand. Me, too. You know..." she was interrupted by a kiss. It was soft at first, and then hard. Then he pulled away.

Lisa: "Wow."
Dave: "Yeah, I kinda missed that, too, you know..." Then she kissed him.

Later that night the rest of the staff came back and found them sleeping, wrapped in sheets and comforters and in each other's arms.

Mr James: "Awww..."
Joe: "You owe me 20 bucks, dude."
Max: "Damn it!" he said as he takes a 20 out of his pocket and gives it to Joe.

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