"The Fight"
by Minni Me
Rated PG
Note: I do not own any of these characters, blah, blah, and blah. Also, this episode takes place back when Dave and Lisa were still dating.
SCENE 1: Dave’s Apartment
Dave is sitting at his kitchen table, drinking coffee, of course, and eating cereal. Lisa enters from the bedroom.
LISA: (entering) How come we always spend the night at your place?
DAVE: Because your place smells like wet dog and if we get too loud your elderly neighbor will bang on the door for us to stop.
LISA: Moving on... (Lisa sits down at the table)
DAVE: Bran flakes? (Dave offers her the cereal)
LISA: Sure.
(Lisa pours herself a bowl)
LISA: You know what? This arrangement is getting so stressful. I’m hardly ever at my apartment. I literally spend all of my time at your place. It’s like I live here.
DAVE: So.
LISA: So? So?! Dave, look at the wall. That is a picture of my family hanging there!
DAVE: You know what, Lisa. Maybe we should do the logical thing and move in together.
LISA: And the logical thing would be that I’d move in here.
DAVE: Correct.
LISA: So we’re going to find a new place?
DAVE: Correct. A place that Matthew doesn’t know about.
MATTHEW: (entering) Hi guys!
(Dave and Lisa look over at Matthew, pause, and then look back over to each other.)
LISA: (to Dave) Right. I mean, we talk about it all the time, and why else have we been going to open houses every Sunday for the last three months?
MATTHEW: I just stopped by to pick up some bacon bits for Choo-Choo.
(Dave and Lisa are pretty much ignoring Matthew)
DAVE: (to Lisa) You know, if we're serious about this, we should get the paper and start looking.
MATTHEW: He’s had a bacon craving for the longest time now. I don’t know what happened.
LISA: (to Dave) It's 9 a.m. Sunday paper should definitely be out.
MATTHEW: Do you have any non-greasy pieces? Choo-Choo doesn’t like grease. That’s why I always have to be careful about that when I make him dinner or else he gets really cranky.
DAVE: (to Lisa) You're right. Let's hit the newsstand on 86th.
(Dave and Lisa leave)
Cut to the hallway.
DAVE: Oh, wait. Heh heh. I think I forgot something.
LISA: (laughs) Yeah.
(Dave slaps his forehead, chuckles and enters his apartment where Matthew is still digging through his cupboards. He grabs his cup of coffee, takes a huge sip and exits, leaving Matthew standing there.)
Cut to opening credits.
SCENE 2: The Taxi
Dave and Lisa are in the back seat and Lisa is looking very mad.
LISA: (exhales loudly) Pffft. (clicking tongue) T-T-T-T-T. (exhales loudly) Pffft. (pause) In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not talking to you.
DAVE: Got that.
LISA: I don’t see why we couldn’t swing by the office. You know I need to edit Bill’s editorial.
DAVE: Lisa, for the last time this day is for finding an apartment.
LISA: That does not give you the excuse to completely deny my wishes. If I want to work on this day then so be it. You owe me an apology. You really upset me.
DAVE: Okay. I’m sorry that you’re being a baby.
LISA: Wha-oh! Interesting. It had the word "sorry" in it, but somehow you still implied that the whole thing was my fault.
DAVE: Whatever.
LISA: Ok, there it is again. Do you think that maybe you could take just a little bit of responsibility?!
DAVE: Okay. I’m sorry that you’re a workaholic, but most of all, I’m sorry that you’re pissed off at me because that means I won’t get any tonight.
LISA: Oh yeah, well...
(The two begin to argue, overlapping each other)
(They suddenly stop)
DAVE: So we get off here?
LISA: Yup.
SCENE 3: An Apartment
Dave and Lisa are following a realtor around the city. They stop at an apartment. It’s fabulous!
REALTOR: Ok. What do you think?
DAVE: (in awe) Wow!
LISA: (in awe) Incredible!
REALTOR: I knew you’d love it. Two-bedroom duplex, 2200 square feet, walk-in closets, library. Huh? Great, right?
Dave: It’s very nice.
Lisa: Excellent.
DAVE: We need to discuss it for a second.
(Dave takes Lisa into the hallway)
DAVE: Wow! Is that place great or what?
LISA: Totally.
DAVE: I never even dreamed of being near a place like that much less living in one.
LISA: I know. Can you imagine? All that space!
DAVE: And those closets.
LISA: Wow.
DAVE: I know.
LISA: We can’t get it.
DAVE: I know.
LISA: It’s just too expensive.
DAVE: I know. It’s way more than what we’re willing to pay.
LISA: We’re going to have to keep looking.
DAVE: We’ve been looking all day. And I’m tired.
(An elderly man walks out of the apartment across the hall)
MAN: (to Dave & Lisa) Hello. I’m Gregory.
DAVE: I’m Dave. This is Lisa.
GREGORY: Are you moving in next door?
DAVE: Unfortunately, no. We’re just looking.
GREGORY: Aw. That’s too bad. You seem like a sweet couple.
LISA: Thank you.
GREGORY: Are you married?
LISA: No.
GREGORY: That’s too bad. Marriage is such a wonderful thing.
(An elderly woman exits the apartment)
CAROL: (entering) That damn cat is in our damn apartment again. When are you going to call the damn neighbors and complain, Gregory?
GREGORY: When hell freezes over you old hag.
CAROL: How about some damn understanding you miserable, pathetic old geezer.
GREGORY: Dave. Lisa. This is my loving wife, Carol.
CAROL: (to Gregory) Don’t you take that sarcastic tone!
GREGORY: Just watch me!
(The two begin to argue, overlapping each other.)
(They suddenly stop.)
CAROL: (to Dave & Lisa) You two look famished. Why don’t you come in for a bite to eat?
SCENE 4: Gregory and Carol’s Apartment
The apartment is decorated almost identical to Dave’s. Dave, Lisa, Carol, and Gregory are sitting at the table, eating dinner. The pot roast is very dry and they all are having a lot of trouble chewing it.
GREGORY: It’s like eating shoe leather.
CAROL: Nonsense. It’s fine. Right Dave?
DAVE: (choking and coughing uncontrollably) Yeah, great.
GREGORY: (to Carol) You wouldn’t know fine cooking if walked up to you and kicked you right on your cottage-cheese ass.
CAROL: You talk to me like that again and you’ll be picking up two extra rocks the next time you clean the sidewalk.
(The two begin to argue, overlapping each other.)
(They suddenly stop)
CAROL: I’ll get the desert.
GREGORY: I’ll clear the table.
(They hop to it.)
LISA: (whispering) Dave, do you notice anything interesting about them?
DAVE: Like what?
LISA: Dave, they’re us!
DAVE: No they’re not.
LISA: Yes they are.
DAVE: No they’re not.
LISA: Yes they are! Dave, I can’t believe you don’t see it. Gregory tap-dances and is addicted to Green Acres. Carol is still working like a dog and can figure out large, complex equations in her head at the blink of an eye. They’re us in forty years.
DAVE: Don’t you think you may be jumping to conclusions?
LISA: Look around you Dave! (holds up a plate) This is your china pattern! (holds up a fork) You use the exact same fork at home! You and Gregory have the same shoes! My God! You two are wearing the same shirt!
(Gregory and Carol enter)
GREGORY: (to Carol) Why the hell did you make strawberry pie? You know I’m allergic to strawberries.
DAVE: Oh my God. So am I—(realizes and gasps in horror)
SCENE 5: Gregory and Carol’s House
Dave, Lisa, and Carol are sitting in the living room. Gregory comes in holding two cups of coffee.
GREGORY: Piping hot coffee coming through!
DAVE: I love coffee.
GREGORY: Me too. And there’s absolutely no better way than to drink it black.
DAVE: Amen to that brother!
CAROL: (to Gregory) Hmm. Black and bitter. Just like your heart.
GREGORY: Can we please not start this!
CAROL: Oh we’ll start this! We’ll start this right now!
(The two begin to argue, overlapping each other.)
(They suddenly stop)
CAROL: (to Lisa) So Lisa, what do you do?
LISA: I’m the supervising producer over at WNYX. Uh, Dave and I work together actually.
CAROL: So, do we hear wedding bells for you two?
LISA: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, we considered having a baby, but Dave wasn’t quite up to that yet.
CAROL: Oh, I always wanted to have a baby. But Gregory never wanted one. I mean, because god-forbid you give love to anything else besides your man.
GREGORY: (groaning) Here we go again. (He pulls out a bottle of gin from behind some books in the bookshelf and takes a swig of it)
CAROL: (rapid) All I ever wanted was a couple of kids. Was that really too much to ask? Huh? And some grandkids? That’s all I ever asked of you. But maybe it was for the best. You’d probably be too cold and emotionless to care for a child. You’d screw the poor thing up. Although, I bet we wouldn’t even be able to have one if we tried. The radiation from all the TV that you watch probably wreaked havoc on your swimmers. And that’s another thing. Why do you spend so much time around the TV? Couldn’t you do something constructive for a change? You know, the shelves need to be dusted, the closets need reorganized and don’t forget—
GREGORY: Dear God, woman! Would you shut up?!
CAROL: Don’t tell me to shut up! And don’t call me woman!
GREGORY: Oh that’s right. I think the last time that you’ve displayed any lady-like qualities, the Black Plague had eliminated half of Europe!
(The two begin to argue, overlapping each other.)
(They suddenly stop)
CAROL: (to Lisa; sweetly) Sweetie, can I get you anything to drink?
LISA: (shocked over what’s happening) No, I’m good.
GREGORY: So you offer her something to drink...
CAROL: Would you shut up?!
GREGORY: Oh, so it’s okay to tell me to shut up, but...
(The two begin to argue, overlapping each other.)
LISA: (interrupting) Oh my God! Would you both shut up?!
GREGORY: Huh?
LISA: You are horrible to each other!
DAVE: Really, you are.
CAROL: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DAVE: The bickering, the screaming, the insults, the threats. I mean, what is wrong with you two? I mean you got married for a reason. What went wrong?
GREGORY: There’s really no way to tell. You know, the pressure and strain of trying to keep a solid marriage for forty years, plus the buildup of hidden emotions and—
CAROL: August 31st, 1959! We were at your family reunion and you know how much I hate your family. During dinner I slipped on a piece of Jell-O left on the floor and you dragged the whole thing out, humiliating me in front of your entire family. And the worst part of that is that you refused to apologize. Our relationship has never been the same.
LISA: That’s it? That’s all? You two are feuding over something that happened thirty-eight years ago?
DAVE: My Lord! And all it would take is a simple apology and this whole thing would be over! (to Gregory) Please. Apologize to your wife. She deserves that much.
GREGORY: You’re right, Dave. (to Carol) I’m sorry that you humiliated your own self because of your parent’s gene pool, which gave you the clumsy feet, which caused you to slip on the floor and fall flat on your cottage cheese ass.
CAROL: Bastard!
GREGORY: Bitch!
(Carol and Gregory exit in opposite directions)
LISA: Well... this has been fun.
SCENE 6: WNYX
Dave and Lisa are sitting in Dave’s office. Dave is apologizing for every bad thing he’s ever done to Lisa.
DAVE: ... I’m sorry I criticized you for trying to take your work with you on our apartment hunting day. I’m sorry for that time I made pancakes for breakfast and I told you they were fat-free and they weren’t. I’m sorry for any time your breakfast might have been cold. I’m sorry for—
LISA: (interrupting) Dave, enough. You don’t have to apologize. That isn’t the issue. I’m just worried that no matter how often we apologize to each other we still might end up like them. I mean, what if they were wrong. What if it wasn’t that one thing that drove them apart? And they’re married. I mean we’re not married. We don't have kids. What do we have to keep us together?
DAVE: Love.
LISA: Huh?
DAVE: Lisa, we love each other to pieces. Correct?
LISA: Correct.
DAVE: And we are exactly like them in every way. Correct?
LISA: Correct.
DAVE: Except for one thing. We love each other so much that we’re willing to work out whatever problems come in our way. Those guys obviously weren’t if they couldn’t even apologize over something that happened thirty-something years ago.
LISA: Thirty-eight.
DAVE: Right. Anyway, we love each other way too much to let something that silly get in our way. (pause) Don’t we?
(Lisa grabs Dave and kisses him very passionately)
DAVE: Whoo! I’ll assume that means you agree with me.
LISA: You bet it does big guy. (sultry) Now, do you want to make up the way we always do?
(They kiss)
DAVE: You bet I do. It’s Sunday. Nobody’s here.
(Matthew burst through the door)
MATTHEW: Oh my God! You're not gonna believe what happened!
(Dave groans)
MATTHEW: (quickly and rapid) I took some of those bacon strips home for Choo-Choo but it turns out that he’s allergic to bacon and the bacon he always liked was Canadian bacon. So I had to rush him to the vet and I had to take Mitt-Mitt with me because he can’t be left home alone.
(Matthew sits down at Dave’s desk and makes himself comfortable)
MATTHEW: (quickly and rapid) So then I got to the vet’s office but it turns out that the vet I usually go to closes his office on Sunday. So then I had to drive all the way around the city to find a veterinarian’s office that’s open. And since whenever Choo-Choo is having an allergic reaction, which is a lot, he gets really cranky. So he and Mitt-Mitt began to fight so I had to stop the car and put Mitt-Mitt in a cat carrier so they wouldn’t fight and I couldn’t put Choo-Choo in because he’s the sick one and I can’t punish him for being sick.
(Dave picks Matthew up and escorts him to the door while he is talking)
MATTHEW: (quickly and rapid) Then I got to the vet’s office, but he isn’t familiar with Choo-Choo’s medical history but luckily was able to cure him. Except Choo-Choo doesn’t like shots. So he got really, really mad and I was the one who had to deal with him. Sometimes I just don’t know how I put up with those two. (normal) All this is in my website, www.matthewbrock.com.
(Dave slams the door in Matthew’s face, locks it, and crawls onto the couch with Lisa.)
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