"Cooking"
by Minni Me
Rated PG
SCENE 1: WNYX - Dave’s Office
Dave is at his desk working. Lisa enters.
LISA: You are going to love me so much!
DAVE: I already do.
LISA: Aww. Anyway, you will never believe what I did for us.
DAVE: Breast implants?
LISA: No. I signed us up for a cooking class! Ah! (Lisa claps her hands together)
(Dave does not look happy)
LISA: What?
DAVE: A cooking class?
LISA: Yeah.
DAVE: Lisa I can’t cook.
LISA: Well, that’s what the class is for. To learn how.
DAVE: Lisa, you don’t understand. I am a horrible chef. I’ll just go there and make a fool out of myself.
LISA: So.
DAVE: Lisa, I don’t set myself up for embarrassment. That’s the same reason why I don’t play sports in front of people or change in a locker room. Besides the last thing I need is a bunch of people laughing and making fun of me. I get enough of that at work.
LISA: Fine. I’ll ask Beth to go with me.
(Lisa peeks her head out of Dave’s door.)
LISA: Beth, can you come in here for a second?
(Beth enters)
BETH: Hey guys, what’s up?
LISA: Beth. I signed Dave and I up for a cooking class but since he’s too CHICKEN to join I thought you might like to come with me instead.
BETH: Lisa I don’t need a cooking class. I’m already an excellent chef.
LISA: Oh really?
BETH: Yes. I’ve spent years under some of the finest chefs in New York City.
(Dave rolls his eyes)
BETH: So you see, I don’t need a class.
LISA: Thanks anyway Beth.
(Beth sits down on the couch)
LISA: (to Beth) You can leave now.
BETH: No thanks. I feel an argument coming and I’d like to watch it.
DAVE: (to Lisa) Why don’t you ask Mathew to do it?
LISA: Come one Dave. Mathew. Around a stove. Get real.
DAVE: All right, I’ll go with you.
LISA: Thank you.
DAVE: But I’m only doing this because I love you and I care about you.
LISA: Aww. Thank you.
(they kiss)
BETH: That was it? That was all? That was your fight? Jeez, what happened to you guys?!
SCENE 2: The Cooking Class
Dave and Lisa enter the classroom. A man, Jordan, and his wife, Betty walk up to them.
JORDAN: Hi, you must be the newcomers. I’m Jordan. This is my wife Betty.
LISA: Lisa.
DAVE: Dave.
BETTY: You have to try my husband’s broccoli quiche. It’s to die for.
JORDAN: Oh, but that’s not my specialty. I used to be a part-time chef. Did you know that I actually won an award for my coq au vin?
BETTY: Oh, and you know that blond guy, Andy over there. He makes the best deviled eggs. They’re divine.
JORDAN: His secret is sautéed scallions. Shh.
BETTY: See you around.
(They leave)
(pause)
DAVE: Buh-bye.
(Dave turns to leave but Lisa grabs him by his coat and pulls him back.)
LISA: Come one Dave.
DAVE: Lisa, you did not tell me that this was the advanced class!
LISA: So.
DAVE: So? SO?! Lisa, this class is specifically for chefs in four-star restaurants who are aspiring to work in a five-star restaurant. The only things that I know how to make are rice krispie treats and toast!
LISA: You’ll catch on.
DAVE: No I won’t. And why would you even sign up for this class anyway?
LISA: Dave, you know what a quick study I am.
DAVE: (sarcastic) Oh yes, how I am reminded of that every day.
LISA: There’s no need to get snippy.
DAVE: (yelling) Lisa, you don’t understand! I am not like you! You sign me up for all this stupid crap because you assume that I’m a quick study and can catch on just like you! Well I can’t! So deal with it!
LISA: (yelling) Well I signed you up for this class so you’ll just have to get used to it!
(Dave and Lisa notice that everyone is staring at them)
DAVE: (embarrassed) I’m sorry you had to see that.
SCENE 3: The Cooking Class
Dave and Lisa are hard at work.
LISA: (reading cookbook) Okay. Preheat oven. Stir pumpkin mix in bowl for ten minutes. Bring water to a boil, let simmer, stir again, add 3/4 cup of flour, stir, and bake for twenty minutes. (scoffs) Yeah. That’ll happen. (Lisa dumps the pumpkin mix into a bowl)
INSTRUCTOR: (to Dave) Mmm! Dave, your chocolate soufflé is excellent. One of the best I’ve ever tasted.
DAVE: Thank you ma’am.
INSTRUCTOR: Are you sure you’ve never taken any classes?
DAVE: Positive. I swear to God I never cook.
INSTRUCTORS: Well, then, I have never seen a student of mine catch on so fast. You’re a complete natural.
DAVE: Well, thank you again.
INSTRUCTOR: (to Lisa) What are you doing?
LISA: I’m toasting the croutons.
INSTRUCTOR: They’re already toasted. You’re burning them. And why are you boiling that salad? Most people prefer to eat it raw.
(The instructor moves on)
LISA: (under her breath) Stupid bitch.
(Lisa starts angrily handling the fruit)
DAVE: Lisa, you don’t want to bruise those kumquats.
LISA: Oh since when are you the expert?
DAVE: Fine, I’ll leave you alone.
LISA: Fine.
(pause)
DAVE: You’re burning your piecrust.
LISA: Dave I can handle this.
INSTRUCTOR: Dave, may I taste your cookies?
DAVE: Oh, yeah, sure.
(The instructor has a taste)
INSTRUCTOR: Oh my! Sublime! Simply sublime! A+!
LISA: Here are my cookies, Mrs. Fishnet.
(The instructor has a taste)
INSTRUCTOR: Hmm. A tad too much sugar, not enough butter, a little burned. C+.
(Lisa gasps in horror)
SCENE 4: Dave’s Apartment
Dave and Lisa enter. Dave is looking happy. Lisa is looking disappointed.
DAVE: Oh-ho, Lisa! That was a blast. Thank you so much. You were right after all.
LISA: (dejected) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DAVE: I mean, who would have thought that cooking could be so exhilarating! The sautéing, the baking, the slicing and dicing. I mean, wow!
LISA: Dave?
DAVE: Yes?
LISA: You have to show me how.
DAVE: I’m sorry. But, whatever happened to being a quick study?
LISA: Look, I don’t know what happened. I mean, I can figure out the square root of 3,456,928 in my head, which is 1,859.2815, but I can’t make a salad!
DAVE: It’s just a stupid cooking class. Who cares?
LISA: I care, Dave! I have never gotten a C in my life. A C is average! I’m not average! And I never want to be average again!
DAVE: Sorry. But you got yourself into this mess you’re going to have to get yourself out.
LISA: Dave, if you don’t help me make some high-fat food like the stuff you made at the class then the only thing that’ll be hardening tonight are your arteries.
DAVE: Oh all right. But you’ll have to say the magic word.
LISA: Handcuffs.
DAVE: Let’s get started.
SCENE 5: The Cooking Class
The instructor is tasting Lisa’s quiche.
INSTRUCTOR: Wow, Lisa! This is excellent! Such improvement! A+!
LISA: Well, I guess that A+ and that C+ should average out into a nice B+.
INSTRUCTOR: Sure does.
(The instructor moves on)
DAVE: Well, looks like you got your A.
LISA: Yes I did. And thank you for helping me.
DAVE: Ah, what are boyfriends for?
(They kiss)
DAVE: That’s funny.
LISA: What?
DAVE: Your earring is missing.
LISA: Oh no!
DAVE: What?
LISA: I leaned over to have a taste of your brownie bombshell batter and it must have fell in.
DAVE: And I just baked it. We better get rid of it before our teacher eats it.
(Dave and Lisa look over to Dave’s station where the instructor is eating his brownies.)
DAVE: Oh crap.
(Cut to a shot of an ambulance speeding down the street)
SCENE 6: Hospital
Dave and Lisa’s instructor is lying in a hospital bed. Dave and Lisa are by her bedside.
LISA: I am so, so sorry. I promise you that next time I won’t wear any jewelry. And I’ll be much more careful.
DAVE: Really, she will. I know Lisa and in the rare times that she does make a mistake she never makes the same one twice.
LISA: Again. So, so sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: Well, Lisa, the doctor told me that I choked on a very large walnut that wasn’t properly chopped up.
(The instructor and Lisa look at Dave)
DAVE: (stands up angry) I have never unproperly chopped up a walnut in my life!
LISA: (pulls Dave down) Not now.
INSTRUCTOR: Well, I was going to forgive you but now that I know that Lisa dropped an earring in there, doubling my chance of death I’m kicking both you incompetent clods out of my class.
LISA: What?!
DAVE: You can’t do that!
INSTRUCTOR: Yes I can. Now out of my room. Now.
LISA: Listen, Lady. We signed up for that class to learn about cooking and we’re not going to leave until it’s over.
INSTRUCTOR: Would you like it if I called security?
DAVE: Thank you for your time.
(They hurry out of there)
SCENE 7: The 88th Street Sidewalk
Dave and Lisa are walking down the street. Both are carrying bags of groceries.
DAVE: Well, despite the fact that we humiliated ourselves in front of one of the finest cooking instructors in Manhattan I kind of enjoyed myself.
LISA: Me too. And we really did learn a lot.
DAVE: Yeah, but when you get right down to it, who wants to make their own cookies when you could just walk across the street and buy a bag of yourself.
(Dave pulls a bag of cookies out of his grocery bag and starts trying to open it with his teeth.)
LISA: Amen to that.
DAVE: God, what do they seal these things with? Cookies should be easily accessible.
LISA: Here. (Lisa pulls the bag of cookies open)
DAVE: Thank you.
LISA: Oh, look at that adorable kitten.
DAVE: Lisa, that’s a rat.
LISA: Then why is that little boy carrying it around and petting it?
DAVE: No idea. Let’s just get out of here.
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