"Cooking"
by Minni Me






Rated PG


SCENE 1: WNYX - Daveís Office
Dave is at his desk working. Lisa enters.


LISA: You are going to love me so much!

DAVE: I already do.

LISA: Aww. Anyway, you will never believe what I did for us.

DAVE: Breast implants?

LISA: No. I signed us up for a cooking class! Ah! (Lisa claps her hands together)

(Dave does not look happy)

LISA: What?

DAVE: A cooking class?

LISA: Yeah.

DAVE: Lisa I canít cook.

LISA: Well, thatís what the class is for. To learn how.

DAVE: Lisa, you donít understand. I am a horrible chef. Iíll just go there and make a fool out of myself.

LISA: So.

DAVE: Lisa, I donít set myself up for embarrassment. Thatís the same reason why I donít play sports in front of people or change in a locker room. Besides the last thing I need is a bunch of people laughing and making fun of me. I get enough of that at work.

LISA: Fine. Iíll ask Beth to go with me.

(Lisa peeks her head out of Daveís door.)

LISA: Beth, can you come in here for a second?

(Beth enters)

BETH: Hey guys, whatís up?

LISA: Beth. I signed Dave and I up for a cooking class but since heís too CHICKEN to join I thought you might like to come with me instead.

BETH: Lisa I donít need a cooking class. Iím already an excellent chef.

LISA: Oh really?

BETH: Yes. Iíve spent years under some of the finest chefs in New York City.

(Dave rolls his eyes)

BETH: So you see, I donít need a class.

LISA: Thanks anyway Beth.

(Beth sits down on the couch)

LISA: (to Beth) You can leave now.

BETH: No thanks. I feel an argument coming and Iíd like to watch it.

DAVE: (to Lisa) Why donít you ask Mathew to do it?

LISA: Come one Dave. Mathew. Around a stove. Get real.

DAVE: All right, Iíll go with you.

LISA: Thank you.

DAVE: But Iím only doing this because I love you and I care about you.

LISA: Aww. Thank you.

(they kiss)

BETH: That was it? That was all? That was your fight? Jeez, what happened to you guys?!


SCENE 2: The Cooking Class
Dave and Lisa enter the classroom. A man, Jordan, and his wife, Betty walk up to them.


JORDAN: Hi, you must be the newcomers. Iím Jordan. This is my wife Betty.

LISA: Lisa.

DAVE: Dave.

BETTY: You have to try my husbandís broccoli quiche. Itís to die for.

JORDAN: Oh, but thatís not my specialty. I used to be a part-time chef. Did you know that I actually won an award for my coq au vin?

BETTY: Oh, and you know that blond guy, Andy over there. He makes the best deviled eggs. Theyíre divine.

JORDAN: His secret is sautťed scallions. Shh.

BETTY: See you around.

(They leave)

(pause)

DAVE: Buh-bye.

(Dave turns to leave but Lisa grabs him by his coat and pulls him back.)

LISA: Come one Dave.

DAVE: Lisa, you did not tell me that this was the advanced class!

LISA: So.

DAVE: So? SO?! Lisa, this class is specifically for chefs in four-star restaurants who are aspiring to work in a five-star restaurant. The only things that I know how to make are rice krispie treats and toast!

LISA: Youíll catch on.

DAVE: No I wonít. And why would you even sign up for this class anyway?

LISA: Dave, you know what a quick study I am.

DAVE: (sarcastic) Oh yes, how I am reminded of that every day.

LISA: Thereís no need to get snippy.

DAVE: (yelling) Lisa, you donít understand! I am not like you! You sign me up for all this stupid crap because you assume that Iím a quick study and can catch on just like you! Well I canít! So deal with it!

LISA: (yelling) Well I signed you up for this class so youíll just have to get used to it!

(Dave and Lisa notice that everyone is staring at them)

DAVE: (embarrassed) Iím sorry you had to see that.


SCENE 3: The Cooking Class
Dave and Lisa are hard at work.


LISA: (reading cookbook) Okay. Preheat oven. Stir pumpkin mix in bowl for ten minutes. Bring water to a boil, let simmer, stir again, add 3/4 cup of flour, stir, and bake for twenty minutes. (scoffs) Yeah. Thatíll happen. (Lisa dumps the pumpkin mix into a bowl)

INSTRUCTOR: (to Dave) Mmm! Dave, your chocolate soufflť is excellent. One of the best Iíve ever tasted.

DAVE: Thank you maíam.

INSTRUCTOR: Are you sure youíve never taken any classes?

DAVE: Positive. I swear to God I never cook.

INSTRUCTORS: Well, then, I have never seen a student of mine catch on so fast. Youíre a complete natural.

DAVE: Well, thank you again.

INSTRUCTOR: (to Lisa) What are you doing?

LISA: Iím toasting the croutons.

INSTRUCTOR: Theyíre already toasted. Youíre burning them. And why are you boiling that salad? Most people prefer to eat it raw.

(The instructor moves on)

LISA: (under her breath) Stupid bitch.

(Lisa starts angrily handling the fruit)

DAVE: Lisa, you donít want to bruise those kumquats.

LISA: Oh since when are you the expert?

DAVE: Fine, Iíll leave you alone.

LISA: Fine.

(pause)

DAVE: Youíre burning your piecrust.

LISA: Dave I can handle this.

INSTRUCTOR: Dave, may I taste your cookies?

DAVE: Oh, yeah, sure.

(The instructor has a taste)

INSTRUCTOR: Oh my! Sublime! Simply sublime! A+!

LISA: Here are my cookies, Mrs. Fishnet.

(The instructor has a taste)

INSTRUCTOR: Hmm. A tad too much sugar, not enough butter, a little burned. C+.

(Lisa gasps in horror)


SCENE 4: Daveís Apartment
Dave and Lisa enter. Dave is looking happy. Lisa is looking disappointed.


DAVE: Oh-ho, Lisa! That was a blast. Thank you so much. You were right after all.

LISA: (dejected) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

DAVE: I mean, who would have thought that cooking could be so exhilarating! The sautťing, the baking, the slicing and dicing. I mean, wow!

LISA: Dave?

DAVE: Yes?

LISA: You have to show me how.

DAVE: Iím sorry. But, whatever happened to being a quick study?

LISA: Look, I donít know what happened. I mean, I can figure out the square root of 3,456,928 in my head, which is 1,859.2815, but I canít make a salad!

DAVE: Itís just a stupid cooking class. Who cares?

LISA: I care, Dave! I have never gotten a C in my life. A C is average! Iím not average! And I never want to be average again!

DAVE: Sorry. But you got yourself into this mess youíre going to have to get yourself out.

LISA: Dave, if you donít help me make some high-fat food like the stuff you made at the class then the only thing thatíll be hardening tonight are your arteries.

DAVE: Oh all right. But youíll have to say the magic word.

LISA: Handcuffs.

DAVE: Letís get started.

SCENE 5: The Cooking Class
The instructor is tasting Lisaís quiche.


INSTRUCTOR: Wow, Lisa! This is excellent! Such improvement! A+!

LISA: Well, I guess that A+ and that C+ should average out into a nice B+.

INSTRUCTOR: Sure does.

(The instructor moves on)

DAVE: Well, looks like you got your A.

LISA: Yes I did. And thank you for helping me.

DAVE: Ah, what are boyfriends for?

(They kiss)

DAVE: Thatís funny.

LISA: What?

DAVE: Your earring is missing.

LISA: Oh no!

DAVE: What?

LISA: I leaned over to have a taste of your brownie bombshell batter and it must have fell in.

DAVE: And I just baked it. We better get rid of it before our teacher eats it.

(Dave and Lisa look over to Daveís station where the instructor is eating his brownies.)

DAVE: Oh crap.

(Cut to a shot of an ambulance speeding down the street)


SCENE 6: Hospital
Dave and Lisaís instructor is lying in a hospital bed. Dave and Lisa are by her bedside.


LISA: I am so, so sorry. I promise you that next time I wonít wear any jewelry. And Iíll be much more careful.

DAVE: Really, she will. I know Lisa and in the rare times that she does make a mistake she never makes the same one twice.

LISA: Again. So, so sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: Well, Lisa, the doctor told me that I choked on a very large walnut that wasnít properly chopped up.

(The instructor and Lisa look at Dave)

DAVE: (stands up angry) I have never unproperly chopped up a walnut in my life!

LISA: (pulls Dave down) Not now.

INSTRUCTOR: Well, I was going to forgive you but now that I know that Lisa dropped an earring in there, doubling my chance of death Iím kicking both you incompetent clods out of my class.

LISA: What?!

DAVE: You canít do that!

INSTRUCTOR: Yes I can. Now out of my room. Now.

LISA: Listen, Lady. We signed up for that class to learn about cooking and weíre not going to leave until itís over.

INSTRUCTOR: Would you like it if I called security?

DAVE: Thank you for your time.

(They hurry out of there)


SCENE 7: The 88th Street Sidewalk
Dave and Lisa are walking down the street. Both are carrying bags of groceries.


DAVE: Well, despite the fact that we humiliated ourselves in front of one of the finest cooking instructors in Manhattan I kind of enjoyed myself.

LISA: Me too. And we really did learn a lot.

DAVE: Yeah, but when you get right down to it, who wants to make their own cookies when you could just walk across the street and buy a bag of yourself.

(Dave pulls a bag of cookies out of his grocery bag and starts trying to open it with his teeth.)

LISA: Amen to that.

DAVE: God, what do they seal these things with? Cookies should be easily accessible.

LISA: Here. (Lisa pulls the bag of cookies open)

DAVE: Thank you.

LISA: Oh, look at that adorable kitten.

DAVE: Lisa, thatís a rat.

LISA: Then why is that little boy carrying it around and petting it?

DAVE: No idea. Letís just get out of here.


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