"Narcolepsy: an homage to NewsRadio"
by Melodie






Rated PG




ACT ONE
SCENE A


FADE IN

INT. DAVEíS OFFICE - DAY
(Dave, Lisa, Bill, Jimmy, Matthew)

Dave is working on his computer. Lisa and Bill enter Daveís office. They are arguing and racing to be first. He looks up.

BILL
If I could have a moment of your time, chief, Iíd like to-

LISA
Bill, it was my idea.

BILL
Yes, but I was here first.

DAVE
Whatís this all about?

LISA
I came here to ask for permission to go to LA to cover the mob trial.

BILL
Thank you, Lisa, but thatís not necessary. I can ask for myself.

LISA
Bill!

DAVE
Calm down, you two. No one is going to L.A.

LISA AND BILL
What?

DAVE
Look Iím sorry, but the station is over budget as it is and-

Jimmy walks in and Bill and Lisa rush over to him.

BILL
Jimmy, let me be the first to say how well you look this morning.

JIMMY
Well, thank you, Bill. I-

LISA
Well I like your tie.

She sticks her tongue out at Bill.

JIMMY
Thanks, you know I got this-

BILL
(With a phony smile on his face) Your shoes are great.

JIMMY
All right guys, what do you want and how much is this going to cost me?

LISA
We want your permission to go to L.A. to cover a trial.

JIMMY
Only one of you can go.

BILL
Thatís what I told her but she just wouldnít listen.

LISA
(Hitting him on the shoulder) Shut up, Bill.

JIMMY
All right, settle down. Iíll decide which one of you can go. Can you handle that?

BILL AND LISA
Fine.

JIMMY
Now you have to promise me that you will be mature about this and the person who doesnít get to go will not take it personally and get mad at me.

LISA
I wonít.

BILL
I wonít have to.

JIMMY
Okay, the lucky person who gets to go to L.A. is . . .

He looks back and forth at Bill and Lisa.

JIMMY
Well I canít decide. Dave, you do it.

DAVE
Fine, Sir. Iíll decide later.

He walks past them towards the coffee machine. Matthew is standing there waiting for him.

MATTHEW
Hey, David.

DAVE
Hi, Matthew.

He tries to get past Matthew to get some coffee but he is blocking him.

DAVE CONTĒ
Can I help you?

MATTHEW
Yeah, can I ask you a quick question?

DAVE
No.

Matthew is still unintentionally blocking the coffee machine. This is aggravating Dave.

MATTHEW
Come on, itíll just take a sec.

DAVE
Can I just get a cup of coffee?

MATTHEW
Come on, quick question.

DAVE (Still struggling to get some coffee)
Matthew, Matthew! Not now, Matthew!

MATTHEW
Okay, okay. You donít have to yell.

He clumsily steps back and trips on a cord. This makes the coffee machine fall. Dave dives to catch it but he misses and it breaks.

DAVE
Good god, Matthew! What have you done?

MATTHEW
I guess this isnít the best time to ask you for more holidays.


CUT TO
OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE
SCENE B


INT. BULLPEN/DAVEíS OFFICE/BROADCAST BOOTH/BULLPEN/DAVEíS OFFICE - A MINUTE LATER
(Jimmy, Beth, Bill, Lisa. Dave, Catherine, Matthew)

Beth has come out of Daveís office and is shutting the door. Jimmy walks up to Beth.

JIMMY
So howís he holding up, Beth?

BETH
Well heís calmed down now but it took me forever to pry him away from the spill.

JIMMY
Good, good. You keep your eye on him.

BETH
Sure thing, Mr. James.

Beth goes to her desk. Mr. James turns to walk away. Bill comes out of the broadcast booth and stops him.

BILL
So, Jimmy, about this L.A. thing. I just wanted to say that whatever decision you make will be okay with me.

JIMMY
Well, thatís very noble of you, Bill.

BILL
Thank you.

He looks towards Lisa who gets up and comes towards them.

LISA
Iím throwing my support behind you one hundred percent, Mr. James.

JIMMY
Well thatís all well and good but Iím not making the decision. Iíll give you the money to go to LA and cover this story but you two are going to decide who will go.

LISA
I can handle that.

BILL
So can I.

JIMMY
Good, then Iíll leave you two alone.

Jimmy walks into the break room.

LISA
Okay, Bill. Letís try to settle this like adults.

BILL
Agreed. Iíll go to LA, end of discussion.

Bill turns to walk away.

LISA
Bill! Get back here.

He stops and turns back to her.

BILL
What? I thought you said weíd settle this like adults.

LISA
But that wasnít fair.

BILL
Well adults arenít fair. Didnít your parents teach you anything?

LISA
What is wrong with you?

They turn their backs on each other. Bill heads for the broadcast booth. Lisa goes to her desk.

CUT TO
INT. DAVEíS OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY

(Beth, Dave)

Beth knocks softly on the door and enters.

BETH
Are you okay, boss?

Dave looks up. His eyes are puffy.

DAVE
(CLEARS THROAT) Of course I am. Why wouldnít I be?

BETH
Well, you havenít had your, what is it, hourly dose of caffeine?

DAVE
Minute-ly, but whoís counting?

BETH
Okay. Anyways, I think youíd better handle this whole Lisa and Bill thing before it gets out of hand, because-

She realizes that Dave isnít paying attention. He is staring blankly at his desk.

BETH CONTĒ
You sure youíre okay, boss?

DAVE
Hmmm, what? Iím fine. What were you saying?

BETH
Okay, well this whole thing is getting out of hand.

DAVE
Uh-huh.

BETH
Theyíre really going at it. I think you should do something about it.

DAVE
Mmm hmmm.

Dave is staring down at his desk.

BETH
In fact, right now theyíre-

Tries to make eye contact with him.

BETH CONTĒ
Theyíre doing it right now in the broadcast booth,

Waits for a reaction. Dave nods his head.

BETH CONTĒ
And theyíre on air.

DAVE
Mmmmmm.

BETH
People are listening to them right now on their radios.

Dave nods his head. His eyes are closed. Beth smiles mischievously.

BETH CONTĒ
If you want to give me a one hundred million-dollar raise, nod your head.

DAVE
(Mumbling.) Not a chance.

BETH
Well it was worth a shot.

Exits his office.

CUT TO
INT. BROADCAST BOOTH - LATER THAT DAY

(Bill, Catherine)

Bill and Catherine have just finished the news and are off air.

BILL
More news after this.

Pushes microphone aside and takes off earphones.

CATHERINE
I donít get it. Youíve been to L.A. hundreds of times. Why donít you just let Lisa go?

BILL
Itís the principle of the thing. If anybodyís going to get a free vacation around here, itís going to be me.

CATHERINE
Youíre just jealous because you didnít think of the idea first.

Catherine gets ready to go back on air. Bill leaves the broadcast booth.

INT. BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS
(Lisa, Bill, Matthew)

Bill enters from the broadcast booth. Lisa is waiting for Bill. She looks mad.

BILL
Oh, what now?

LISA
I donít think itís fair of you to use your editorial spot to list ďten reasons why Lisa shouldnít go to L.A.Ē

BILL
Iím sorry, but I thought of it first.

LISA
Okay, we are solving this problem now.

BILL
And how do you suppose we do that?

Matthew walks up to them.

MATTHEW
Hey guys, I couldnít help overhearing your argument and you know how I hate to see that because you guys are my friends and it makes me feel all, you know, awkward.

BILL
Get to the point, Matthew.

MATTHEW
Okay, so I asked myself, ďHow can I help resolve this problem?Ē Answer: evaluation.

LISA
What?

MATTHEW
Yeah, trust me. Itíll work. Iíll evaluate you guys throughout the day and whenever you do something good you get a point. Whoever gets the most points, gets to go to L.A.

BILL
Iím willing to give that a try.

LISA
So am I.

MATTHEW
Well, all right. Let the best reporter win.

LISA AND BILL
Great.

MATTHEW
Oh, Lisa, I should tell you that Bill already has a head start.

LISA
What! Why?

MATTHEW
Lisa, you canít expect the great Bill McNeal to start at the bottom with the rest of us.

BILL
Thank you, Matthew.

MATTHEW
No problem, Bill.

LISA
This is stupid.

BILL
Is that a forfeit I hear?

LISA
Shut up, Bill.

She storms towards Daveís office.

BILL
Well, good luck to you then.


INT. DAVEíS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
(Lisa, Dave)

The door to his office is open. Lisa enters from the bullpen. Dave is asleep at his desk.

LISA
Dave!

Dave jumps and wakes up.

DAVE
Huh? What, what do you want?

LISA
Itís Bill. Heís acting like a complete jackass about this trip and Matthewís no help either. Can you please just decide already?


She realizes that Dave has fallen asleep again.

LISA CONTĒ
Dave!

Slams the door to his office. Dave snaps to attention.

DAVE
Iím up. Iím up.

LISA
What is with you?

DAVE
I dunno. I just havenít been able to wake up today.

LISA
I had no idea you were so addicted to caffeine.

DAVE
I am not addicted. I can stop anytime I want.

LISA
Whatever. Can you just, please, do something? Bill is driving me crazy!

DAVE
(Lifting himself out of his chair and stretching.) Yeah, sure, okay.

LISA
Finally.

She opens the door to his office and waits for him by the doorway.

LISA CONTĒ
Come on.

DAVE
Iím right behind you.

He walks halfway across the office and then falls over. Lisa rushes over to him.

LISA
Oh, my god! Dave, are you okay?

Dave starts snoring.

FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO
SCENE C


FADE IN

INT. BULLPEN/ DAVEíS OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY

(Dave, Beth, Joe, Jimmy, Lisa, Matthew)

Beth comes out of Daveís office. She walks over to Joe who is standing by the coffee machine.

BETH
Hey, Joe.

JOE
Hey. So what happened?

BETH
Dave just hasnít had any coffee and keeps falling asleep. He should be fine, though, he doesnít seem to have a concussion. Lisa and Bill are fighting about who should go to LA to cover some mob trial and Matthew is being himself.

JOE
Thatís great, but I was talking about the coffee machine.

BETH
Oh, right. Take a guess.

JOE
Matthew?

BETH
You got it. So, can you fix it?

JOE
Yeah, no problem. Itís nothing a little of my homemade duct tape canít fix.

BETH
Okay, but can you hurry? I am getting pretty sick of hearing Lisa and Bill argue all day.

JOE
Why donít you just buy some? Thereís a coffee shop downstairs.

BETH
Because then I would have had to work today.

Joe nods and begins to work on the coffee machine. Beth goes back into Daveís office. Lisa is sitting at her desk, working. Matthew comes up to her desk carrying a notebook. She doesnít notice him. Joe is in the background tinkering with the coffee machine.

MATTHEW
Hey, Lisa. Whatíre you working on?

Lisa looks up at him and then goes back to work.

LISA
Oh hi, Matthew. Iím just working on Billís editorial.

MATTHEW
Oh, yeah?

Lisa looks up again and realizes that Matthew is still standing in front of her desk looking at her.

LISA
Yes, Matthew?

MATTHEW
Well, I just thought Iíd let you know how the pointing system is going.

LISA
I donít care.

MATTHEW
(Sighs) Somebody really doesnít want to go to LA.

LISA
Matthew, I am not going to get all hyped up about some stupid contest. I think the decision should be based on our professionalism and knowledge of the story.

MATTHEW
Youíre right, youíre right.

LISA
Thank you, Matthew.

MATTHEW
Although, I should mention that Bill is at a thousand points right now.

LISA
What? How many do I have?

Matthew looks in his notebook.

MATTHEW
Uh, let me see. (BEAT) You have negative ten points.

LISA
Bill has a thousand points and I have negative ten?

MATTHEW
Maybe if someone had been a little nicer-

LISA
Iím sorry I was mean to you, Matthew.

MATTHEW
Well, I was going to say nicer to Bill but thanks.

LISA
How can I be nicer to Bill? He is an obnoxious, self-centered jackass who drives me crazy.

Matthew sighs and writes something in his notebook.

MATTHEW
Now you have negative a hundred points.

LISA
Matthew. Go away.

Matthew writes in his notebook again.

MATTHEW
Negative two hundred.

Lisa, fed up, walks into the break room and slams the door shut. Matthew is standing by himself.

MATTHEW
(TO HIMSELF) Thatís negative three hundred.

LISA
(V.O.) Shut up, Matthew!

Matthew jumps. He looks back at the break room before running to the bathroom.


CUT TO
INT. DAVEíS OFFICE - A MINUTE LATER

(Dave, Beth, Joe (V.O.), Jimmy)

Beth is consoling Dave. They are sitting together on the couch. Dave is holding an icepack to his head.

BETH
Joe is fixing the coffee machine as we speak.

DAVE
Thank god. I just canít seem to focus today.

BETH
Well, donít worry. As soon as Joe is finished, Iíll bring you a nice hot cup of coffee.

DAVE
You know, I may be incredibly narcoleptic right now but isnít there a coffee shop downstairs?
I mean, correct me if Iím wrong here.

BETH
(BEAT) No. I-I think youíre mistaken. That might have just been a dream you had.

DAVE
Really, are you sure? Cause I could have sworn that-

BETH
(DEFENSIVE) Do you think Iím lying just to get out of doing work?

DAVE
I never said that.

BETH
Well, because Iím not. (TO THE BULLPEN) Whatís that, Joe? You need help?

JOE
(V.O.) No.

BETH
(TO DAVE) Iíve gotta go, Dave. Joe needs my help.

JOE
(V.O.) I donít need your help.

BETH
(TO JOE) Hang on. Iím coming.

Beth runs out of Daveís office. Jimmy walks in.

JIMMY
Dave, you got a sec?

DAVE
Yes, Sir.

JIMMY
You sure? I mean youíre not going to fall asleep on me, or anything, are you?
Cause I could come back another time.

DAVE
I know, I know. Iím sorry Mr. James. I am going to get some work done right away. I have been trying to work all day but the damn coffee machine broke and-

JIMMY
Thatís good to hear but I came in here to discuss whatís happening to your staff.

DAVE
My staff? What about them?

JIMMY
Theyíre not doing any work either, with the exception of Catherine. Lisa and Bill are too busy fighting, Matthew is too busy bugging Lisa and following Bill around and Beth is sitting at her desk reading a magazine. Itís chaos out there, Dave. This station is losing money as we speak.

DAVE
Iím sorry, Sir.

JIMMY
Youíre damn right youíre sorry. Now get out there and fix everything.

Dave is silent.

JIMMY CONTí
Dave? Dave, are you listening?

Dave starts snoring again. Jimmy walks to the door of Daveís office.

JIMMY CONTí
(TO THE STAFF) Would somebody get this guy some coffee?


DISOLVE TO

ACT TWO
SCENE D


INT. BULLPEN/DAVEíS OFFICE
(Lisa, Bill, Matthew, Beth, Joe, Jimmy, Catherine)

Joe is still tinkering with the coffee machine. Beth is leaning against the table.

BETH
So, Mr. James is pretty mad. You almost finished?

JOE
Hang on. (BEAT) I think Iíve got it. Letís fire this thing up.

Joe turns the machine on. It works.

BETH
All right. Nice job, Joe.

JOE
(SHRUGS) I do my best.

Joe walks off set towards the break room. Beth waits for the coffee to perk. Lisa and Bill walk into the room.

LISA
Can you tell him to leave me alone?

BILL
Why should I have to?

LISA
Because he worships the ground you walk on, thatís why.

BILL
Oh, he does not. He just likes me better than you.

LISA
Hey.

Bill tries to get away from Lisa. She steps in front of him.

LISA CONTí
Please, Bill. Heís driving me crazy, even more than you.

BILL
I donít know. Iím kinda busy right now. Canít you just ignore him?

LISA
Please, Iíll do anything you want.

Bill perks up.

BILL
Anything?

BETH
Big mistake.

LISA
What?

BILL
All right. Iíll get Matthew off your back if you tell Dave that I can go to LA to cover the story.

LISA
No way. You are not stealing this story from me.

BILL
SIGHS) Okay, I guess youíll just have to put up with Matthew, then.

Matthew walks in from the hallway.

MATTHEW
Hey, guys. What up?

BILL
Oh, nothing much. Lisa was just saying how much she hates cats.

MATTHEW
What?

BILL
Yeah, something about being boring, unclean and ugly. I, of course, didnít believe her.

LISA
I didnít say that, Matthew.

MATTHEW
Lisa, I hope you realize that thatíll cost you another hundred points

LISA
Bill, do something!

BILL
Iíd like to help but I have to think of a different story to do since I might not get to go to LA.

BETH
Donít do it, Lisa. The coffee is almost ready.

MATTHEW
And cats are one of the cleanest animals on earth. Theyíre cleaner than you and me.
So donít go acting all high and mighty about cleanliness.

BETH
Oh! Coffeeís ready.

LISA
Well donít just stand there!

MATTHEW
You know what? I could list a hundred reasons why cats are better than humans.

Beth rushes a cup of coffee into Daveís office.

BILL
The offer still stands, Lisa.

LISA
Nice try, Bill.

BILL
Suit yourself.

Bill goes into the broadcast booth. Lisa begins to walk away but Matthew is still sticking close to her.

MATTHEW
Number one: Cats are cleaner than humans. Number two: Cats are cuter than humans. Number three: Cats-

Lisa walks faster. Matthew is still following. She runs offset towards the hallway.

INT. DAVEíS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
(Dave, Beth, Jimmy)

Beth enters from the bullpen. Jimmy and Dave are already in there.

BETH
(HANDING DAVE THE COFFEE) Hereís your coffee, boss.

DAVE
Thanks, Beth.

Dave takes the coffee and takes a huge gulp of it.

JIMMY
I hope now you can actually do some work around here.

DAVE
(REJUVENATED) Yes, Sir. Iím on it.

JIMMY
I still donít understand why you just didnít go and buy some coffee. Thereís a place just downstairs.

DAVE
What? (LOOKING AT BETH) And I thought I was just dreaming.

BETH
Uh, I think Joeís calling me again.


Beth exits his office.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO


FADE IN
INT. BULLPEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER

(Dave, Bill, Lisa, Beth, Catherine, Jimmy, Joe, Matthew)

Dave enters the bullpen from his office. Everyone is gathered around the conference table, except for Lisa and Matthew.

DAVE
Now, I know that this has been a hectic day for all of us but-

Lisa enters the bullpen with Matthew close behind.

MATTHEW
Reason number ninety eight: they keep you warm at night, number ninety nine: Cats-

LISA
Dave, make him stop.

They sit down at the conference table.

DAVE
Oh, let me guess. You said that cats were boring, didnít you?

MATTHEW
What? Okay, now Iím gonna have to start over again because you obviously have a lot to learn about cats yourself, David.

DAVE
Start over again and youíre fired, Matthew.

LISA
(LOOKING AT BILL) Ha!

MATTHEW
All right then, I guess everybody knows all they need to.

DAVE
Thank you, Matthew. Now, Iím sure everyone is excited to hear who will be going to LA
to cover the story. I have given this as much thought as I could, bearing in mind Iíve been sleeping all day.

BILL
Well, come on! Who is it?

DAVE
I've decided that Catherine will go.

LISA AND BILL
What!

DAVE
She is the only one who has been doing her work today. She has showed her professionalism
and dedication to this job because she worked hard even though I wasnít around.

CATHERINE
Why, thank you, Dave. Iím honored.

DAVE
So, that is that, meeting adjourned. Letís get back to work.

Dave exits into his office for a beat. He realizes that no one is moving and comes back out.

DAVE CONTí
Come on. Get back to work. You guys havenít done anything today. How can you possibly be tired?

BETH
Uh, Dave?

DAVE
Yes, Beth?

BETH
Itís five oíclock.

Everyone gets up and exits the bullpen, leaving Dave behind.

DAVE
You know, we still have a lot of work to do. I guess Iíll just do it myself. (BEAT) Ah, screw it.

Dave grabs his jacket and exits the bullpen.

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW


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