DAVE IS WORKING AT HIS DESK; HIS DOOR BLOWS OFF THE HINGES, AND HITS THE WALL; ENTER MR JAMES

Mr. James. Mornin' Dave!

Dave. My door!

Mr. James. Oh, Dave, don't worry about it; I'll buy the company that makes it for you.

Dave. Thanks, sir…that's quite…insane of you.

Mr. James. Well, Dave, my boy, I am rich.

Dave. One does not necessarily precipitate the other, sir.

Mr. James. You think so? Just ask that crazy rich guy who drank his own urine.

Dave. Which one was that?

Mr. James. I don't know, all of them. Listen, Dave, I came here to talk to you about something.

Dave. Yes?

Mr. James. Dave, there comes a time in every man's life when change must occur…

Dave. Cut to the preverbal chase sir.

Mr. James. Dave, check this out; I'm going to open a theme park, Jimmy's Land of wacky fun and chicken. It'll be a big ole circus.

Dave. Oh dear.

Mr. James. Oh, no no no, Dave, don't start being all negative and Dave like, for once I want you to support my idea.

Dave. But it's a crazy idea, sir.

Mr. James. Well, I am rich.

Dave. I guess money does afford you a certain the right to be crazy. How are you going to get this land of craziness together?

Mr. James. Glad you ask, David my boy. Joe, get in here.

Dave. Oh dear.
JOE ENTERS IN CLOWN COSTUME, FULL WITH WIG, ROSE AND MAKE UP

Joe. What's up Mr. James?

Mr. James. I want you to meet my chief architect.

Dave. What's the clown costume in aid of?

Joe. Don't you know Dave? Clowning is like my all time number one dream.

Dave. No, your all time number one dream was beating up that football player from Miami, and you did that last year, remember?

Joe. Oh, well then I guess I just like wearing the comical red nose. And this. Watch.

JOE DROPS BANNANA PEEL FROM POCKET

Joe. Matthew, get in here.

MATTHEW ENTERS

Matthew. What up guys? (sees Banana) Whoa, wouldn't want to trip over that, I'd look like quite the fool.

MATTHEW, GETTING OUT OF THE WAY, TRIPS OVER DAVE’S DOOR THAT IS ON THE FLOOR

OPENING CREDITS

BACK TO DAVE'S OFFICE, JOE, WITHOUT NOSE, MAKE UP OR WIG IS DUCK TAPING DAVE'S DOOR. DAVE IS STARING AT JOE.

Joe. What?

Dave. You just look so damn sexy in that outfit.

Joe. Dude, I hope you're kidding or I'm going to seriously have to reevaluate our friendship.

BETH ENTERS

Beth. Hey Dave, I was wondering if you could work on that…(SEES JOE, STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) W…what is that get up you're in?

Dave. Joe is working on Jimmy's new crazy wacky circus.

Beth. Is that some sort of weird secret underground sex group?

Dave. No, a circus. You know, freaks, expensive beer, ect.

Beth. So it's a bar?

Dave. Circus.

Beth. Right. Joe, what do you know about the circus?

Joe. Well, I've beaten up Carnies before. How hard could it be to design?

Beth. How are you going to build the tents?

Joe. Joe's old fashion home made duck tape.

Dave. Fine, how are you going to put together the roller coaster?

Joe. (Pauses) That'd be some more duck tape.

Beth. And what about…

Joe. (interrupting) Duck tape. Everything's duck tape.

Dave. Well, at least we know you're closely following safety regulations.

Joe. Listen, Dave, I'm done with your door, but be careful with it. It's very delicate.

Dave. Great Joe. Get back to work.

Beth. Hey, Do you think Mr. James has any room for me in his freak brigade?

Dave. No.

Beth. I could use the extra money; I've been eating mustard sandwiches for lunch the last few weeks.

Dave. No. Anyway, you don't have any special talents.

Beth. Well…I…

Dave. It would have to be something you could publicly display.

Beth. I can sing.

Dave. Not again. Now get back to work.

Beth. Fine, sourpuss.

BETH EXITS

Dave. Sourpuss?

MR. JAMES ENTERS AND STARES AT DAVE, SMILING

Dave. What?

Mr. James. I'm just so happy. I'm about to rule my own army of freaks.

Dave. Is this just another madcap ploy?

Mr. James. No.

Dave. What, is there an attractive freak you want to marry?

Mr. James. No.

Dave. Did you loose a bet to Ted Turn…

Mr. James. No, no, no Dave. I just want to own a circus. OK?

Dave. Fine, Mr. James. But why do you always have to bring this craziness to my office?

Mr. James. I don't know, I guess I enjoy watching you get mad.

BETH POPS HER HEAD IN

Beth. You are very cute when you get mad.

Dave. Both of you, get out!

Mr. James. Awww!  

MR. JAMES AND BETH LEAVE. DAVE SNEEZES AND HIS DOOR FALLS OFF

RADIO BOOTH, LISA IS ON THE MIKE; BILL ENTERS, LOOKING VERY DESHEVELED, HAIR MESSY, CLOTHES SCREWY. HE FALLS ON THE FLOOR.

Lisa. WNYX newstime 10:21. Back with more news in sixty seconds. (GETS UP) Bill! Are you ok?

Bill. No, leave me to die in peace.

Lisa. Bill, you're on in a minute, let me help you up.

Bill. Listen devil woman, I'll get up when I damn well please. Now be gone!

MATTHEW ENTERS

Matthew. Oh my god Bill, are you ok?

Bill. No, I need snacks from the break room.

Matthew. Yes, I'll get them for you now.

Bill. (as he exits) And a soda!

BILL GETS UP TO BRUSH HIMSELF OFF.

Bill. Well, I am a radio professional. Work is to be done!

BILL SITS IN CHAIR

Lisa. And now back to the news, and for the first time today, Bill McNeil.

BILL IS NOW SLEEPING, SNORING LOUDLY INTO THE MIRCOPHONE

IN THE BREAK ROOM, LISA IS CHASTISING BILL

Lisa. What the hell is wrong with you?

Bill. I shant tell you, good lady, and stay out of my damn business!

Lisa. Believe me Bill, there is nothing I'd want more then to stay out of everything and anything resembling your business. But it's affecting your work.

Bill. Fine. Remember last week when I gave up smoking?

Lisa. No.

Bill. Well, last week I gave up smoking.

Lisa. That's great, Bill.

Bill. Well, I needed some sort of fix. So…I started drinking heavily.

Lisa. Drinking heavily.

Bill. Yes, drinking heavily. Are you deaf?

Lisa. No, I was just reiterating for dramatic purposes.

Bill. Oh, well that makes sense. Anyway, me and the boys down at the dock went out on sort of a bender last night.

Lisa. How do you know the boys at the dock?

MATTHEW ENTERS WITH CEREAL

Matthew. Where were you Bill? I've been looking all over for you. I made you some cereal.

MATTHEW PUTS IT DOWN NEXT TO BILL, BILL EATS FURIOUSLY

Bill. And my soda? Chop, chop!

LISA ROLLS HER EYES

DAVE'S OFFICE, DAVE IS ENTERING, LOOKING DOWN, READING SOME PAPERS, HE LOOKS UP AND SEE JIMMY, WHO IS SITTING AT HIS DESK, SURROUNDED BY DIRTY LOOKING CIRCUS PEOPLE. JOE IS MODERATING.

Joe. And what is your special talent?

Freak. I can put my fist in my mouth.

Mr. James. Ohhh, cool! I always wished I could do that. I tried, but I couldn't get it in. See? (MR. JAMES TRIES, BUT CAN’T) Let's see!

Freak. Well, I don't actually know how to do it, but I'm planning to learn.

Dave. Ok, Everybody out! Everybody out of here!

ALL THE FREAKS LEAVE

Mr. James. Ah, Dave, I was getting all my wonderful freaks together. This time more then just Matthew. It was just like that old black and white movie…what was it called?

Dave. Freaks?

Mr. James. No, it was…

Dave. Freaks.

Mr. James. I’m pretty sure you're wrong.

Dave. Freaks, Freaks!!

FREAK ENTERS

Freak. Did somebody call me?

Dave. Get out!

Freak. Fine, sourpuss…

HE EXITS

Dave. Do you think we can ever, EVER have a little semblance of professionalism in this office?

Mr. James. Need I remind you that this is my office? The one I own, therefore giving me the right to do whatever I want in it.

Dave. You got me there, sir. So, how goes the freak search?

Mr. James. Not too well, I'm afraid. The man with ten fingers ended up having ten total fingers, and the juggler had no balls.

Dave. Sounds like he'd be perfect.

Mr. James. I just don't know what's wrong with circus people now-a-days.

Dave. I guess the circus industry just isn't what it used to be, sir. 

Joe. Well, the contortionist was pretty cool. I got her number. (HE NUDGES DAVE) Heh, heh!

Mr. James. Well, I think I've come up with a solution. WNYX could supply me with the crazy freaks.

Dave. But I need my crazy freaks here, sir.

Mr. James. Come on, Dave, you could tap dance.

Joe. I don't think those fruity acts go…

Dave. Tap dancing is not fruity.

Joe. Oh yes it is, Dave. Anyway, fruity acts just do so well at circuses.

Mr. James. Why's that?

Joe. Because there are guys like me around to beat people up.

MAIN OFFICE. BILL, EVEN MORE DESHEVELED, IS DRINKING OUT OF A BROWN PAPER BAG, DANCING

Lisa. Bill, what are you doing?

Bill. This is what I like to call my crazy drunk dance. Would you like to join me, my dear?

Lisa. Listen, Bill, perhaps it would be better if you started smoking again. Even though it makes you smell like an ashtray, it's better then you smelling like a garbage can, which incidentally…

BILL IS STARING AT HER ODDLY

Lisa. …is how you look too. Anything in moderation…are…are you undressing me with your eyes?

Bill. (PAUSES, SMILES) No.

Lisa. Listen Bill, please, go home, get some sleep, sober up. You're making me sick.

Bill. (SMILES) You know, you sound just like my mother. Listen, I can handle myself.

Lisa. I don't really want to know about your private life now, Bill. I'm going to get Dave.

SHE WALKS TO DAVE'S OFFICE, BUT HE IS TAP DANCING WHILE JOE, MR. JAMES AND SOME FREAKS ARE CLAPPING

Lisa. Dear God.

Dave. Oh hi Lisa. I'm umm…

Lisa. I don't even want to know. Listen, come out and help me with Bill.

Dave. Ok. Excuse me guys.

Freak. I love your moves.

Dave. Thank you.

MAIN OFFICE. BILL IS BEING VERY PROFESSIONAL ON THE RADIO, WHILE MATTHEW IS WATCHING WITH A BIG SMILE. LISA AND DAVE WALK UP TO BOOTH

Dave. What's wrong? He's doing his job.

Lisa. No, no he's not. He's drunk and smelly. Matthew will tell you. Right Matthew?

Matthew. I have no idea what she's talking about…I think she's been (MAKES CHUG MOTION WITH HANDS).

Lisa. I have NOT been drinking.

Matthew. Sure there, lushy.

Dave. Ok, Lisa, why don't you go home and sober up? I've got business to attend to.

EXITS BACK TO HIS OFFICE

Lisa. Matthew, you are worthless.

BILL EXITS BOOTH, HE IS DIRTY AGAIN

Bill. I'm going to go cruisin' the bars before lunch, wanna come, Lisa?

Lisa. No Bill, you shouldn't…

Bill. Silence woman! Matthew, would you care to join me?

Matthew. Absolutely!

Lisa. You can't take Matthew…

Bill. I said Silence! (POINTS FORWARD) To Drink!

BILL AND MATTHEW EXIT

LISA LOOKS CONFUSED AND HEADS TO DAVE'S OFFICE, BUT HEARS CLAPPING AND TAP DANCING. SHE SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS AND SITS DOWN

COMMERICAL BREAK

DAVE'S OFFICE, HE IS SITTING DOING WORK, MR. JAMES ENTERS.

Mr. James. Dave, it's a spankingly beautiful world, and I'm a petulant child's bottom.

Dave. Thank you Norm.

Mr. James. What?

Dave. Nothing. Now what do you want?

Mr. James. What do I want? Allow me to introduce the first two members' of my freak army. Meet Beth, the amazing gum chewer.

BETH ENTERS

Mr. James. She can stick 40 pieces of gum in her mouth at once!

Beth. (WITH GUM IN MOUTH) Mphhh!

Dave. What was that?

Beth. Iph Chphking!

Dave. Geez.

DAVE GETS UP AND PERFORMS THE HEIMLICH MANUEVER ON HER

Dave. Now, before you kill any of my other employees, could you please stop recruiting them?

Mr. James. What a sourpuss.

Beth. I know.

Mr. James. Next up, the amazing Bearded woman!

MATTHEW ENTERS WITH A BEARD ATTACHED WITH STRING TIED BEHIND HIS HEAD

Matthew. I'm not a woman.

Beth. Yes you are.

Matthew. I am?

Beth. Ewww! Your breath…Have you been drinking?

Matthew. Well, I did have a couple of club sodas at the bar downstairs. I don't remember too much after that. Dave. OK, now we've had our fun, can we please get back to work?

Mr. James. Sourpuss!

EVERYONE BUT DAVE EXITS, WE FOLLOW THEM OUT TO MAIN OFFICE, JOE WALKS UP TO MATTHEW WITH BETH LISTENING

Joe. How do you like the homemade beard, dude?

Matthew. Oh, it's fine Joseph. I was wondering if I could take it off sometime soon.

Joe. No way, man, it's attached with duck tape. But don't worry, I'll think of something.

Matthew. Oh, ok.

WALKS AWAY

Beth. How long before you think he realizes it's tied on with string?

Joe. I don't know, but it'll be fun to find out.

BREAK ROOM. LISA IS DRINKING TEA HUGGING A TEDDY BEAR.

Lisa. I quit. I quit. I quit.

BILL ENTERS

Bill. Good afternoon, E lisa beth. How goes it?

Lisa. Have you finally stopped drinking?

Bill. No, but I think I've entered some sort of stage of drunkenness where it doesn't seem like I'm drunk. But I'm wasted!

Lisa. Bill I got you a present.

Bill. Naked pictures?

Lisa. No.

Bill. An issue of Sassy?

Lisa. I think not.

BETH AND JOE ENTER

Lisa. I got you these…

PULLS OUT A CARTON OF CIGGARETTES

Joe. Lisa, bad taste.

Beth. Don't you know that Bill just quit smoking? You are evil.

Joe. You disgust me! Come on, Beth, let's go…

Lisa. But, listen…

Joe. Good day, sir!

Lisa. But I'm not a sir…

Joe. I said good day, sir!

BETH AND JOE EXIT

Bill. So, no naked pictures then?

Lisa. No Bill, no naked pictures of anything. No cigarettes for you either. Just go do your damn work, ok?

Bill. Whoa there, angry woman. I'll get back to work, let me just finish this beer off. Hold it for a second.

BILL HANDS BEER TO HER AND GOES TO THE FRIDGE. DAVE WALKS IN.

Dave. Lisa. It's only 2:30.

Lisa. But, I'm not drinking, it's Bill's.

Dave. Sure Lisa.

Bill. She's been drunk all morning. It's really affecting my work.

Dave. Lisa, it's one thing to drink a little in the office, but it's another thing entirely if you start affecting other people's jobs.

LISA HANDS DAVE THE BEER, GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK AND THEN WALKS OUT

Dave. She's the cutest thing drunk.

Bill. Don't sell yourself short Dave, you're cuter then her.

Dave. Thank you Bill.

Bill. Here's my McNeil prospective for today, boss. Sign off on it when you get the chance.

BILL HANDS A BUNCH OF CRUMPLED COCKTAIL NAPKINS TO DAVE

Dave. Bill, these are just a bunch of crumpled cocktail napkins.

Bill. What can I say, when inspiration hits…it hits hard.

Dave. Right, Bill.

OUTSIDE ELEVATORS: MR. JAMES AND MATTHEW, STILL WITH BEARD, ARE PLAYING BUMPER CARS

Mr. James. Weee!!

Matthew. I'm comin' to get cha, Mr. James!

Mr. James. That's what I'm afraid of.

Matthew. Listen, I hope you're not trying to imply I'm gay. Because I'm not. See? (BURPS) Can gay people do that?

Mr. James. I suppose not, son.

MATTHEW THEN STARTS HITTING MR. JAMES WITH HIS BUMPER CAR OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Matthew. Weee! I'm bumpin' your car.

LISA ENTERS

Lisa. What is going on here?

Mr. James. Oh, I just got these in like an hour ago; they're for my fun land!

Lisa. What?

Mr. James. My crazy fun land, you know, with my freaks.

Lisa. Are you talking about Matthew?

Mr. James. No, the amusement park I'm opening up. Jimmy's land of Wacky Fun and Chicken?

Lisa. I have no idea what you're talking about.

MATTHEW BUMPS INTO HER WITH HIS CAR

Lisa. I must be drunk.

SHE EXITS TO BATHROOM

JOE CALLS FROM OFFSCREEN

Joe. Mr. James! Check this out.

JOE DRIVES HIS BUMPER CAR SUPER FAST INTO THE AREA

Joe. See what a little duck tape can do for you?

Matthew. Joe, about my beard…

Joe. I'm working on it, dude. But these things take time.

Matthew. No, I think I like it. It makes me look more manly.

Joe. Dude, nothing could make you look manlier.

Matthew. No, remember when I grew that moustache?

Joe. Exactly, Matthew, you looked like you were a reject from the village people.

Matthew. Yeah, but nothing's more manly then the village people right?

Mr. James. Dear God, son, shut up.

RADIO BOOTH, LISA IS STARING AT BILL, WHO IS AGAIN DRUNK LOOKING

Lisa. It's time for…

Singers. The Real Deal with Bill McNeil!

Bill. Thank you. Good people of this fair city, there is a problem. A big problem. What is it?

DAVE’S OFFICE, DAVE IS SITTING SINGING

Dave. Knights in white satin…

BETH ENTERS

Beth. Dave, do you hear this?

Dave. Hear what?

Beth. Listen.

SHE TURNS ON HIS RADIO

Bill. So, to sum up: I am the lizard king! And to those who disagree, I will eat you with my lizard tongue. Mo Hahahah!

Dave. Dear God!

DAVE GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BOOTH, WHERE HE SEES LISA WITH HER HEAD ON THE TABLE AND BILL DRINKING OUT OF A BROWN PAPER BAG HE KNOCKS ON THE GLASS AND POINTS TO HIS ROOM

DAVE’S OFFICE: BILL AND LISA ARE SITTING, WHILE DAVE IS PACING BACK AND FORTH

Dave. I can't tell you how…how many ways of wrong what you did was.

Bill. Excuse me, boss, but are you challenging my God given right to rant about nothing.

Dave. No, Bill you do that everyday. But usually your rants make some sort of sense. You know, a dissertation about foot odor or commentary lack of a good contemporary cartoon superhero.

Bill. Ahh, one of my favorites.

Lisa. That was a good one.

Dave. But today…It's just…just not professional, man.

Lisa. Listen, I told you Dave, he's all drunk. Plus he smells like a homeless man.

Dave. Is this true, Bill? Lisa, have you been getting Bill drunk?

Lisa. No! I was never drunk today! It was all Bill.

Dave. Bill, give me all the liquor you have on you right now!

Bill. But boss…

Dave. NOW BILL!!

Bill. Fine.

BILL GIVES DAVE THREE BROWN PAPER BAGS FROM HIS POCKET, DAVE INSPECTS THE ALCOHOL

Dave. Bill, do you realize what this is?

Bill. Yes, yes I understand, I'm not supposed to drink this, yada yada. God, the man's a broken record.

Dave. Bill, this is NON-ALCHOLIC beer.

Bill. It is?

Lisa. It is?

Dave. Get back to work, Bill.

BILL LEAVES

Lisa. That must be some beer.

Dave. No, I just think Bill is an idiot.

Lisa. That too. I don't understand why you didn't believe me when I told you he was drinking.

Dave. Oh, it's not that, I just like getting you mad, it's sort of the job of the ex-boyfriend.

LISA GRABS BEER AND POURS IT ON DAVE

Lisa. I think that's probably the job of the ex-girlfriend, don't you agree?

Dave. So, you wanna make out?

Lisa. Not really.

Dave. Ok, well me neither, I was just checking.

MAIN OFFICE MR. JAMES RUNS INTO BILL, STILL DIRTY

Mr. James. Hey, Bill how's your day?

Bill. Well, Jimmy, I just realized I've been getting drunk off of non-alcoholic beer all day, and you?

Mr. James. Oh, fine, just fine. Well, I'll see you later!

MR. JAMES WALKS AWAY FROM BILL, TOWARDS DAVE'S OFFICE

Mr. James. God, that man needs a vacation. Hey Beth, is Dave there?

Beth. Yes he is, sir!

DAVE’S OFFICE, MR. JAMES ENTERS, DAVE IS WIPING THE BEER OFF

Mr. James. Hey Dave.

Dave. What's up Mr. James?

Mr. James. Oh, nothing, nothing….(PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN IN UTTER DEPRESSION) I can't do it Dave!

Dave. Do what sir?

Mr. James. The circus, I just can't pull it off. I can't find any good freaks, and Matthew broke all my bumper cars.

Dave. Did you ever really think you'd pull it off anyway?

Mr. James. Not really.

Dave. So why did you even try?

Mr. James. I'm bored Dave. I'm bored and I have truckloads of money. I have so much money I don't even know what to do with it.

Dave. Maybe you should swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

Mr. James. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dave. That's probably for the best, sir. So, what's the problem?

Mr. James. I just don't know how to break the news to everyone. I know how much they were looking forward to it.

Dave. It will be hard, sir, but…

Mr. James. But that's why I want you to do it.

Dave. Oh, great. You know, why don't you, for once…

Mr. James. I pay you to do my bidding, Dave.

Dave. True enough, Mr. James…Beth!

BETH ENTERS

Beth. What's up, Dave?

Dave. Go around the office and tell everyone there is going to be an immediate staff meeting.

Beth. OK. (SCREAMING) Staff Meeting!!!

Dave. Arg…

STAFF MEETING TABLE. AS WE LOOK AROUND, JOE IS IN CLOWN COSTUME, MATTHEW HAS BEARD ON, BILL IS DIRTY, LISA IS SHIFTING BACK AND FORTH, HUGGING A TEDDY BEAR, AND BETH IS CHEWING A LOT OF GUM

Dave. I can see we've all had an interesting day…

Matthew. You got that right!!

MATTHEW GOES TO HIGH FIVE JOE, BUT JOE JUST GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK

Dave. Listen, Mr. James wants me to tell you…

Mr. James. Break it to them easy, Dave, it'll tear 'em apart.

Dave. Yes, well, apparently Mr. James cannot go through with his crazy freak circus, I know you'll all be disappointed.

A ROUSE OF "WHATEVER'S" AND "I DON'T CARE'S"

Dave. Good, now, let's all get back to work.

EVERYONE GETS UP AND GOES, EXCEPT BILL AND LISA

Dave. I said get back to work.

Lisa. Dave, it's 10 pm. We were off clock like 4 hours ago.

Dave. Oh.

Bill. Should we tell the others?

Dave. No, they're actually working.

Bill. OK, well you want to go and get some drinks?

Dave. Oh, well, I don't think that's the best idea…

Lisa. Screw it, let's get wasted.

Dave. I guess.

THEY GET UP AND START TO EXIT, MATTHEW STOPS THEM

Matthew. Where are you guys going?

Lisa. Nowhere, Matthew.

Matthew. No, no no, you can't fool me. You're going somewhere.

Dave. Matthew, take that stupid beard off.

DAVE RIPS BEARD OFF, AND EXITS WITH BILL AND LISA

Matthew. My precious beard! It was no match for Dave. Oh well, back to work.


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