Falling on my head like a memory,
Falling on my head like a new emotion.
I want to walk in the open wind,
I want to kiss like lovers do,
Want to dive into your ocean,
Is it raining with you?"
A long day at work was usually a fun day and hardly work at all. Except for today. Today was the day that Phil and Jan had to film that Shillers reel together. It wasn't that they didn't have a good time doing it because they did. It was just that it brought up a lot of buried feelings for both of them. They had to work very late into the night to keep it under budget and to have it ready to run for the next SNL. They had to deal with itchy costumes, chronic dizziness from spinning around take after take and a gown that kept getting stepped on. Phil kept strangling her with the pearls every time he grabbed them and Jan's feet were killing her. Phil didn't think he ever held anyone's hand that long let along a coworkers and Jan was at the point where she thought she would be singing the song in her sleep. "Hey Lorne" Phil said half in jest "do we win a car or something for dancing all night without stopping?" harkening back to those silly contests where you win something big if you dance, kiss or even just stand the longest out of the group. Jan rolled her eyes at him and the others merely smiled. By the time they finished it was around 2 AM. They needed to go and change but the first thing they really wanted to do was just to sit down. They pulled two chairs side by side and practically fell into them. Jan threw off her shows and put her legs across Phils lap so he could massage her feet for her. He closed his eyes and she thought he had fallen asleep so she kicked him in the leg. He opened one eye and looked over at her and begin tickling her feet in retaliation. "It's not nice to kick people" he teased as she desparately tried to get her feet away from him. She was laughing so hard that she almost fell off the chair and if he hadn't had caught her around the waist she would have. Giving him a friendly slap on the arm, they smiled at each other as she laid her head against his shoulder to rest, his arm still draped around her holding her against him, his head leaning on hers. Sleep was tempting but not as tempting as being this close to one another. She put her hand over his chest and felt his strong heart beating under her palm. It was so soothing to be like this, so comfortable and right. The camera man looked over at Lorne Michaels and nodded toward them as if to say 'look at those two, is THAT romantic or what?!' Lorne glanced their way and smiled, ''bout damn time' he thought to himself. They had no idea they were becoming the topic of conversation because they both had finally fallen asleep. Phil felt someone shaking him by the shoulder. "Phil, wake up and get out of here" he heard a far away voice say. He opened his eyes and saw Lorne in front of him and smiled. He looked over at Jan sleeping against him and hesitated to wake her up. She looked like an angel resting there, he thought. An angel with a very low cut dress and me with a great view, he laughed to himself. One track minded Hartman they should call me he thought, but he knew that wasn't entirely true. He gave her a squeeze around the waist to try to wake her but she just shifted and cuddled up closer. He reached up and stroked her cheek "hey sleepy head, time to wake up" he whispered to her and watched as her eyes fluttered open and looked up at him. All night long they had been staring into each others eyes as they waltzed but even now the darkness and depth of her gaze took him by surprise and made me shudder. They were like magnets, impossible to pull away from. 'Dear Lord, she is beautiful' he thought and not for the first time tonight. It took all of his will power to hold those thoughts in check. They were not allowed, not by him anyway. Not only was she a good friend but she was also a co-worker and one that was already seeing someone else at that. 'And lets not forget that you are married' he thought, rather sadly. Things had not been going well between him and Brynn and he was finding more and more excuses to be away from home. He couldn't handle her temper tantrums or the drugs, they wore him down until it was hard to even work. But he made a commitment and he wasn't the type to break his word no matter what Sometimes though, when he was close like this to Jan he felt so at peace, he didn't want it too end. Peace was becoming such a rare commidity for him he was reluctant to let it go. These thoughts passed through him in a flash, just long enough to see her smile up at him. She was thinking much the same things he was. 'How could she not smile at that face?' she wondered, and the sensation left by the touch of his hand on her face still lingered. She could still feel it, like the sensation of a warm breeze on a cold night against her face. Her hand still pressed against him and she felt his heart beat faster. Why, she wondered? Could he possibly feel what I feel? Want what I wanted? What kind of fantasy was she creating for herself now that would never be fulfilled? She knew she had to stop thinking this way about him because it was only torturing her. "I think we'd better get going before the sun comes up" he said looking away from her and disengaging himself (reluctantly) from her grasp. He helped her stand up and just for a second they were back on the dance floor again, their hands intertwined. She let him go, grabbed her shoes from the floor and made her way to a dressing room to change. He sighed to himself, and did the same.
"Let me give you a ride home" he told her, not wanting her to have to take the bus home tonight. They could see lightening in the sky out in the distance and knew that they were in for a rather stormy night. He was one of those ridiculous New Yorkers who owned a car and even though it was a battle every day to find parking, it made him feel better to drive than to take a cab. She accepted the lift, any excuse not to say goodnight to him too soon. He got into the car waited for her to get in. When she didn't he rolled the window down and asked her what she was waiting for. She was standing there with her arms crossed, her hair blowing in the wind, her lovely red dress swirling around her looking like some kind of goddess to him. She gave him a hurt smile looking away from him, tapping her foot. In a heartbeat he got it and laughed out loud, with her laughing right along with him. He got back out of the car, walked back to her side and opened the door for her. Bowing to her he said "your carriage madam" watching her lovely legs carry her into the car. He closed her door, went back to his side and got in. Looking at her he just smiled and shook his head. Then off they drove into the night.
"Where is your head tonight, Mr. Manners?" Jan asked him as they drove. "Sleeping" he told her smiling at her reference to his normally polite ways. He didn't tell her that his mind was very much awake and no further than the seat next to him. What he was tired of was hiding his feelings. It was not like him at all to have to do that. He was expressive. What he felt was normally written all over his face. 'Could she possibly know?' he thought. After all, she could always read me so well, could she possibly see his desire for her too. He cringed at the thought. "Hey, wake up will ya you just ran that red light!" she broke into his thoughts. "I'm sorry" he whispered almost under his breath. She reached out and took his hand in hers, a gesture not unknown to them. "Are you ok?" she asked tenderly. He pulled his hand sharply away from hers. "What's wrong" she asked, shocked by his reaction "did I do something to make you mad at me?" He looked over at her with such a pained expression she thought she would cry. She would do anything to make that look disappear so she reached toward his face to caress it and felt a tear there. Now she was really worried. "Please don't Jan, please?" he said, and for the first time since they began working together, he was confusing her. These were signals that she didn't understand coming from him. He took his fist and slammed it onto the wheel. She sat back and just watched him struggle with himself. 'I am so tired of this, maybe I should just pick up and move back out to California with Brynn' he thought. He loved working at SNL so very much. He loved the comraderie, the discipline and the feeling he got when people laughed at his skits. He got along well with everyone, as was his nature except Kevin but that was a different story all together. He remembered how he had hit on Jan once and wouldn't take no for an answer. It angered him so (was he jealous?). He made sure that Kevin never bothered her again. He looked back over at Jan and realized what his outburst was doing to her. "I'm sorry" he said to her, reaching his hand back out and letting her grasp it again. Her warmth was comforting and he didn't pull away this time. "I guess I am more tired than I thought" he lied to her. "But something is bothering you" she said "please talk to me and tell me what's wrong?" She squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. "It's nothing a few hours of sleep won't cure" he offered but instinctively knew she wouldn't buy it. She knew when to back off and let him be though and that is exactly what she did now. More than anyone else, even more that Brynn she knew when to give him space. They rode the rest of the way in silence, the clasp of their hands saying all that needed to be said.
He pulled up in front of her building and, just to let her know that he hadn't lost all his manners, got out and let her out of the car. "It was a hard day" she said "but it was a good one all the same" She fished out her house keys. "Thanks for the lift Phil" she looked up at him "will you be ok?" Concern coated her voice. He put on his best smile and happy voice (acting!) and told her that he was just fine and that he would see her tomorrow, or rather today at the reading table. They felt the first drops of rain come down and he noticed that one had landed on her bare shoulder. As crazy as it sounds he felt the urge to kiss it away like a tear but caught himself before doing so. She didn't want to leave him, he was a puzzle tonight that begged fitting the pieces. She wanted to be near him and hold him and make whatever it was that tormented him stop. She sensed the little boy in him crying out to her but their relationship with each other prevented her from soothing him. The man in him wouldn't want that right now. She allowed herself, just for a brief moment the luxury of imagining all of him, all the sides that she cared for so very deeply and even the parts of him that were still a mystery, staying with her tonight. She thought of how his heart felt against her touch and how the simple act of touching her face was enough to make her own heart cry out with joy. To love him and to be loved back by him would be enough to satisfy her forever. She would need nothing else in this lifetime. Yes, she was involved with someone else but it meant less than nothing to her heart. The physical aspect of the relationship was fine but there was no love to speak of. Not on her end anyway. He was a convenience, just someone to be with until someone better came along. She knew that that someone better was standing in front of her now but he was off limits, out of reach. She smiled back at him knowing that she was about as convincing as he was and said her goodnights. He stood there and watched her enter the building and disappear into the elevator. He cursed himself for his stupidity, for his lack of willpower. The rain began picking up but he hardly noticed. There was only one place he wanted to go and since he couldn't go there he decided to take a walk.
He didn't know where he was going he just knew his legs could barely carry him anymore. He was tired but restless and needed to keep moving. It was pouring rain now and he lifted the collar of his shirt up as if it would protect him somehow. Every now and then lightening would strike and he could see his bright reflection in the store windows. He almost didn't recognize himself. He stopped in front of one and stared harder. He face was a mask of sorrow and fear. Even though it was summer and the air was warm he felt a chill looking at himself. What had he become? What was missing from this picture? He looked down at his hands and his wedding band. Without a second thought he pulled the band from off his finger and placed it in his pocket. He immediately felt lighter. Then he thought about Jan. The look on her face when he over-reacted in the car, the way she tried to soothe him. If she only knew that when she touched him then he almost betrayed himself. She thought he was angry at her when nothing could be further from the truth. He loved her. There, he said it if only to himself. He was angry at himself for holding it in and angry at himself for letting it go. He couldn't win unless he either moved far away from her or went back to her place right now and told her how he felt. And showed her how he felt. Thinking of making love to her was enough to warm him up considerably. He wasn't driven by lust for her though although that was surely a part of it. First and foremost was their friendship and mutual respect for each other. The love he felt for her. That is where the physical desire grew from. And it was growing stronger with every step he took as he headed as if in a dream, back to her apartment.
As late as it was sleep would not embrace her. Shifting from one side to another only made her more restless. Her A/C was on the fritz so she had to keep the windows open to keep cool and consequently the rain was coming in and the thunder was deafening in her ears. She stretched out naked under the sheet and thought about the ride home. Phil was at odds with himself, she could tell. Over what though? Could he be having trouble at home? Was something bothering him at work? Her tired mind ran through all the possibilities she could think of except the most obvious one; that SHE was the reason he was so confused. That idea she reserved for her fantasies. And she had a million of them all involving Phil. If he only knew how working with him every day brought her such delight and yet so much heartbreak. To be forever doomed to have the one you love just out of reach is torture. She was going to have to stop this silly lovesick act and start living in the real world again, she thought to herself. When she goes into work later she will be nothing but professional with him. Friends yes but no more than that. She will erase the feeling of his touch, the beating of his heart, those eyes that dance and that mouth that begged to be kissed and?? She knew this was NOT going to be easy! She nearly jumped out of her skin when the phone on her nightstand rang. It had been about 45 minutes since he dropped her off so it couldn't be him, it must be her boyfriend. She picked it up and said hello. "Jan, would you mind very much if we talked?" It was Phil! Her heart leapt. "Where are you" she asked. "look out your window" he told her, so she did. There, standing in a puddle of water in the corner phone booth was Phil. "What are you still doing here?!" she asked him. "I felt like taking a walk, so I did" he said and she could hear the smile in his voice. 'That's my Phil' she said to herself. "Jan I would really love to continue this conversation but I'd prefer to do it dry" he said laughing. "Oh yes, I mean of course! Get up here already!" she giggled and hung up the phone. As soon as she did her pulse began to quicken. She threw on her short satin robe and waited by the door. She could hear the elevator chime on her floor and the sound of heavy footsteps walking toward her door. Every step pushed her one step closer to the unknown. He knocked lightly on the door and she immediately unbolted it and let him in. He was soaked to the skin. "Let me get you a towel and some clothes" she told him as she went into the other room. He looked around and saw some things he didn't want to see. Another mans tie, mens cologne on her dresser. He wondered if this was such a good idea after all. Maybe he is just making a fool out of himself by being here. But he came this far and he knew there was no turning back now. For better or worse he had to get this load off of his heart and lay it at her feet once and for all. If she rejected him then at least he would know where he stood. He began unbuttoning his shirt and threw it on a chair in the corner of the room. Then just as he began taking his pants off, she walked back into the room. He didn't have much modesty anymore. A few years rushing to change from one skit to another anywhere you could pretty much took care of that. She tried, she really tried not to stare. How do you not stare though at the man you have wanted for years standing in your parlor, shirtless and wet. His broad chest glistened from the rain and his hair was slicked back and oh so sexy. The muscles in his arms and chest were well developed and she remembered him telling her that surfing gives you one of the best workouts you could get. Well, here stood living proof. How he could EVER think of himself as average looking was beyond her. He was drop dead gorgeous. Her breath must have caught and been audible because he turned to her and grinned from ear to ear. Ok so not only was he standing there half naked and gorgeous but he is smiling and oh my if that wasn't enough to make a girl faint. She had to stop staring and stop thinking that way right now before she disappointed herself again. She walked over to him and in her best 'we are great friends, aren't we!' voice she handed him a towel and some of her boyfriends clothes. She had this smirk on her face that seemed to say 'gee that was really brilliant of you to walk around in a storm.' He suddenly had an idea and it was a great one. They were always playing practical jokes on each other at work so why should tonight be any different? She turned her back so he could have some privacy to change and he knew that that was his cue. In a flash he lifted her up and threw her over his shoulder. 'What the hell do you think you are doing?!' she screamed at him. 'Well I don't think it is very fair that I should be the only one soaked to the bone, do you?" he replied and with that he climbed out on the fire escape with her. He let her down with her back to him and held her there kicking and screaming while the rain quickly drenched her. "This is not FAIR, and this is not FUNNY EITHER!" she yelled at him while he laughed in her ear. She could feel his body against her back, wonderfully strong and supportive. "I should have brought out some shampoo" he giggled, giving her enough slack to turn around and face him. The water had totally soaked her robe and he could see that she was naked underneath. He still held her against him as she squirmed to get free. He could tell that she was having as much fun as he was even though she was doing her best to hide it. She raised her fists and tried to push herself away from him but he grabbed her by the wrists and held both arms behind her back. This simple action caused him to pull her into him even closer and they both suddenly became very conscious of the position they were in. She could feel his body tight against hers, the aching in her breasts and raised nipples rubbing against his chest. This was it, he thought to himself knowing that he couldn't stop now even if he wanted to. Acting with a trust that she was also feeling what he was feeling, he released her hands. She looked up at him and into him and suddenly nothing else mattered but this moment.
His hands reached up and cupped her face tenderly, the rain falling over his fingers. Her eyes fluttered shut at his touch and he bent forward and kissed each one. When she felt his breath on her face she instinctively parted her lips. He kissed her cheeks tasting salty rain from her tears and then backed away to take one last look at this woman's face while she was still only his best friend. One hand slid behind her neck and the other went around her waist holding her tight. His mouth touched hers with fire, taking any breath away that she still had inside. His kiss was soft and inviting and she met it with a hunger she didn't know she could feel. He sensed her need and rejoiced in it, letting his tongue part her lips and open the way for his own passion to rise. Her arms wrapped around his back and up over his shoulders as their kiss intensified. He could hear as well as feel her murmuring softly against his mouth, little sounds of desire that stoked the flames already building in his body and soul. He broke the kiss off suddenly and moved his lips around to her ear. She could hear him breathing heavy and almost didn't recognize his voice when he said to her 'you'd better tell me now if you want me to leave because you will not get another chance tonight.' Her silent response spoke volumes to his heart. She began to shake against him when those wonderful hands of his felt for her breasts through the material of her robe. The sensation was maddening and so very erotic. His mouth covered hers again, this time all cautiousness abandoned. His hands seemed to be everywhere at once. She felt his long fingers reach between her legs and press their way inside of her. She pushed against his hand, impaling herself deeper while his thumb made circles around her most sensitive piece of flesh. She reached down and felt him through his jeans, that part of him that begged for release. His breath caught when she touched him, stopping him only for a moment to savor her sweet caress. He unbuttoned his pants and let them fall, kicking them off to the side. She reached for him again and shuddered when she felt him hard in her hand. 'Now' she begged against his mouth and he was more than happy to oblige. He pressed her back against the smooth concrete while running his hand along the back of her thigh. He lifted her leg up and, bracing himself with his hand he slid quickly and easily inside of her. That moment when they first became one had nothing to compare it to. There was no point of reference for such pleasure for either of them. They both froze in time, their breath stopped in a gasp of pleasure so profound. They savored it. They imprinted it in their memory for all time. Their eyes met and locked and without saying a word their gaze whispered 'yes, this is so right, so perfect, so everything we have ever dreamed of.' He felt her tight muscles inside surrounding him and contracting against him. Her body was telling him to hurry, to make her his own, to own her body, mind and soul so he obliged. Slowly at first he moved within her watching the features of her face go slack, her mouth open in a silent groan of pleasure. He covered hers with his own again, savoring the taste of her kiss like the most expensive, glorious red wine he had ever tasted. He was intoxicated by her, drunk with the pleasure they were creating. He reached down lifting her other leg up and she instinctively wrapped both around him, freeing both his hands. They peeled her robe apart so his mouth could reach her breast and he drank the water from it like a parched man. The rain beat down hard on them, baptizing their love. He moved faster now, pressing into her with more force, making her cry out his name. He brought his mouth back up to her ear and whispered to her that he knew she would feel this perfect, knew she would respond this way to him, knew he wouldn't be able to get enough of her. Every word was like a touch, sending waves of pleasure throughout her body. His arms came around her back and held her there while his hips began moving in a circular motion against her. She couldn't believe how deep he was inside of her, how wonderful he felt. She kissed his forehead, his eyes, his mouth with abandon. She wanted to taste all of him, to feel all of him and to experience the wonder that he was. She had waited so long to know him this way that all those years of wanting him were building to a crescendo. His body fed hers, every move he made was deliciously satisfying. She felt an amazing ache beginning deep inside herself. It was slowly building and roaring to the surface. He could tell too, by her moans and the way she pressed back against his every thrust. He allowed himself to lose control then, gave himself permission to join her in flight. She thrashed against him, her head falling back baring her beautiful neck to him in the process. He pressed his mouth there and groaned, keeping up the onslaught against her, moving very quickly now, merciless. Her passion and release voiced themselves in a sound not unlike a wild animal's which he muffled with his mouth over hers. Her hands grabbed onto his shoulders and dug her nails in, scrapping down his upper arms and holding on for dear life. The waves overtook her and for a moment her breath stopped. She could hear him in the distance calling her name over and over, feeling him reach into her and bring her back to the surface again, gasping and crying as she broke free. He shook against her, releasing himself into her very core, his face turned skyward with a look of supreme joy and gratitude for this moment and this woman. Then, their bodies still intertwined he layed his head on her shoulder and wept. She understood because she was crying along with him. He let her down gently helping her to stand on wobbly legs. She felt him leave her body and it brought a profound feeling of emptiness deep in her heart. They could see that the sky was starting to lighten so they knew they would have to get ready to go back to work. He lifted her in his arms and carried her back into the apartment, setting her down on the bed. "I'll go grab some towels" he said "you just relax there" She laid down on her back and just stared at the ceiling, lost in her own world. Her whole body ached to the bone but it was the sweetest pain she had ever felt. She felt herself drifting off, sleep calling to her very strongly and she would have given in gladly if she wasn't jolted awake by Phil's voice. "Oh crap!" he said "hurry up Jan, we gotta get out of here." She looked up at him and then at the clock. They should be in work in about 10 minutes, an impossibility from where she lived. She jumped out of bed and grabbed some clothes. "Now what do I do?!" Phil said looking at his still wet clothes, the only clothes he had. She tossed her boyfriends clothes at him and started dressing. "I can't fit into these!" he was at a loss as to what to do. He would have to just toss his clothes into her dryer and wait until they were done. "You go ahead and I'll find some excuse to tell Lorne" he told her and, knowing she didn't have much choice she agreed. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him goodbye tenderly. He pulled her close, returning the kiss with more heat then she expected. "Hurry up and get out of here before we are both stuck for excuses" he smiled at her, turned her around and pushed her out the door. While he waited he checked her fridge for some breakfast. He found some bread, butter and milk and that was about it for breakfast fare. "Make mental note, explain the meaning of a healthy breakfast to her" he smiled to himself while toasting some bread. Jan's phone rang and he didn't know whether to pick it up or not so he let the machine get it. He heard a man on the other end. "Hi sweetheart, I missed you last night. Miss me?" Phil chuckled to himself 'no, I don't think so' He continued "I'll meet you later after work, ok? Love you" click. 'I should have picked up the phone' he thought, 'would have been very interesting.' But something inside nagged at him hearing some other guy speak like that to Jan. Well, she is a single woman and can do whatever she pleases. And that, was the most painful thing to take.