[Except for NewsRadio characters copyrighted by Brillstein Grey Productions © 1995-1999, and ER characters
copyrighted by Constant C Productions © 1995-2005, this screenplay is copyrighted by Henry Frederick Ramey, Jr. ©
2005; All Rights Reserved.]

NewsRadio

Episode #11.1[i]

“BLESSED EVENT”

[This Episode is rated NC-17.]

ACT I


“This is not the Beginning of the End, but the End of the Beginning.”



[It is about 9:00 a. m. Max and Catherine are already in the Newsbooth. Dave walks in the office, followed by Lisa. Dave passes by Beth near the coffee machine. Lisa then heads to her desk.]

Beth: Hello, Boss.

Dave: Hello, do you have the financial report from last quarter?

Beth: Yes indeedee.

[Beth and Dave head into Dave’s office. Dave sits down in his chair as Beth stands in front of his desk facing Dave.]

Beth: So, how was that night with Lisa?

Dave: [Sitting down.] Well, we argued over the little things in the report, Max’s expenses, Joe’s requests for server expansions, and the Chicago Convention coming up. We argued over the little things, and then the bigger things, and then we did it again.

Beth: Wow, it’s been 10 years since you been here. [Lisa knocks, and Beth turns towards the door.] Oh, hello Leeee-sa.

Lisa: Hello.

Beth: I see that you guys are going to discuss [Beth raises four of her fingers to quote a phrase.] “the financial report”.

Lisa [Lisa hugs and kisses Dave.]: That was an excellent night.

Dave: I know. Especially the part about whether we should send somebody to the Chicago Convention.

Lisa: That convention is a waste of time.

Dave: I know, but Jimmy wants somebody to attend; he’s contemplating getting some talk show hosts for the station…

Lisa: For what? So that they can bitch and moan about how Bush is doing great when his poll numbers are lousy?

Dave: Hun…

Lisa: This is an exercise in futility. We are wasting our time.

Dave: No, we’re not. We need some more exposure.

Lisa: Exposure? [Pulls back from Dave.] Not everybody in New York is a regular Archie Bunker here.[ii]

Dave: Yeah, but they make the money.

Lisa: The money? [Lisa then takes off her blouse.] I’ll show you what I’m made of.

[Dave starts to hug and kiss Lisa so passionately. Lisa pulls up her dress, and pulls down her nylons as she is not wearing any panties. Dave takes Lisa to the couch. Dave lays down as Lisa sits her bare crotch on Dave’s lap. Dave goes underneath Lisa’s dress so to appear to unzip his pants. Dave then pulls up Lisa’s tank top, and exposes both her breasts. Dave then puts his right hand on her left breast, and uses his thumb to massage her left nipple. Dave then uses his left hand so as to appear that he is massaging Lisa’s crotch. Lisa then moves up and down on Dave’s lap.][iii]

Lisa: Oh, no. Oh, yes. Yes. [Lisa keeps on saying “yes”, while outside of Dave’s office, Joe tries to get Matthew’s attention.]

Joe: Matthew, get me that mike and tape recorder. I want to get this.

Matthew: Get what?

Joe: Dave and Lisa making out.

Matthew: Kewl.

[Joe turns on the mike real loud, so EVERYBODY in the office, including the newsbooth can hear it. Meanwhile, in Dave’s office, the lovemaking continues.]

Lisa: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Right there. Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Oh my! My God! Oh God Almighty! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Owwww! Owwww!...

[Everybody’s jaws drop in the Office, including Max and Catherine in the newsbooth, but Joe’s smiling like hell moving his clenched fists saying.]

Joe: Oh yes, Dave. You’re the man baby. You’re the man.

[Back in Dave’s office.]

Lisa: Owwww! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! Oh, yes Dave. [Lisa smiles as though she is satisfied. She bends over to Dave and kisses him.] Oh. Oh. Why did we do this off and on the last 10 years?

Dave: Because we love each other, and disagree all the time. [Lisa giggles.] We stinked up this office, Lysol-ed it, and for what?

Lisa: So we can argue again? So that you can “get some”?[iv]

Dave: Yeah.

Lisa: Silly boy. If we ever have a child, we ought to nickname him or her Snagglepuss.

Dave: Snagglepuss?

Lisa: After you, because you are a Snagglepuss. Let me get my top. [Lisa gets up to pick her blouse off the floor.]

Dave: After work, do you want to stop over my apartment? I need to eat “some”.

Lisa: It’s time. I got to get back to my desk. [Lisa smiles.]

Dave: I got to get out to check with Matthew on the peace demonstration story.

Lisa: Well, its time [Lisa heads to the door, followed by Dave.] to go [Lisa opens the door and then has a shocked expression on her face with everybody but Joe still having their jaws wide open and pauses.]—through the gauntlet.

[Joe approaches Dave who is following Lisa out the door.]

Joe: [Shaking Dave’s hand.] Way to go Dave! That was a great performance.

Dave: What performance?

Lisa: [Turns to Joe and flips him off.] Joe, read this!

Joe: You and Lisa had the best sounding orgasm yet!

Dave: What?

Joe: Yes!

Dave: What the fuck! Joe, you absolutely had no right to eavesdrop on whatever we say or do in my office.

Matthew: Dave?

Dave: What the hell is it Matthew?

Matthew: Joe had the whole thing taped and amplified.

Dave and Lisa: SHIT!

Dave: WHY DID YOU EVER DO SUCH A STUPID FUCKING THING?!!

Lisa: Yes, Joe, what is it gonna cost you? One ball or two?

Joe: Look, you two are the greatest couple, and…

Dave: That is it. [Pointing at Joe.] I’m putting you on suspension.

Joe: For what?

Dave: Eavesdropping for one. [Catherine steps out of the newsbooth.]

Catherine: Dave, the noise was so loud, we could hear it in here.

Dave: What? The mikes weren’t cut off? Oh my God! [Dave then acts hysterically.]

[Beth then still shocked goes to Lisa’s desk and talks to Lisa.]

Beth [Quietly]: So, how was it?

Lisa [Reluctantly smiles]: It was great! I haven’t had such a great time in ages.

Beth: The problem is that everybody heard it.

Lisa: Shit! I mean do we need to amplify each time you do it with the FedEx guy?[v]

Beth: Hell no! It was yours and Dave’s business, even though it was in [pauses] – in the office.

Lisa [Giggles]: Oh yes! [Opens her right top drawer, and looks for her pills. She keeps on rummaging around, and then gets desperate.]

Beth: Lisa, what’s wrong?

Lisa: They’re not here.

Beth: What?

Lisa: My pills. I forgot to take my pill.


ACT II


“Flashback 1985”



[In a dream sequence, the scene goes back to 20 years ago when Lisa was 15. Lisa slightly has longer hair, and is sitting at the kitchen table with her mother—at least with the person who raised her as her “mother”.]

Mrs. Miller [She sits at the table, and puts a packet of birth control pills on the table.]: Lisa, I have to tell you this right now. Now, I know what Father Malloy said about the use of birth control, but we need to protect you from – yourself.

Lisa: Myself? Why?

Mrs. Miller: We have noticed that you take after your father in this regard. Instead of yelling louder, hitting the other person, or crying like a baby, you want to kiss and hug the person that you have an argument with, and we are very concerned.

Lisa: Ma, I can’t help it. I’m a teenager. I can’t help it if I – hug in a rage.

Mrs. Miller: Well, I had to talk to your counselor yesterday, and you’re going to have to drop your debate class.[vi]

Lisa: Ma! Why? I was supposed to debate Mark on whether Massachusetts gets to have the death penalty again!

Mrs. Miller: Lisa, you going to have to wait for a semester or two.

Lisa: Ma.

Mrs. Miller: Remember Karen?

Lisa [begrudgingly]: Yessss.

Mrs. Miller: Remember when her mother told us that she took a vacation to Australia?

Lisa: Yes.

Mrs. Miller: I hate to tell you this, but she’s just in another state. She’s going to have a baby in six more months.

Lisa: A baby? That’s not what Mrs. McLeod told me.

Mrs. Miller: Lisa, I don’t want you to lose your future. I don’t even know if you’re going steady with anybody. You’re nearly an “A” student with good Ivy League potential. Taking care a baby is going to delay or even damage your future. Not all the colleges are going to take you and any baby you bring into this world. You won’t have time between taking care of your baby, and all of that studying. Lisa, you have time after college to get married, and have babies of your own. We love you, but as long as you live in this house, you have to take these pills once a day. You don’t want you friends to know you “went to Australia”, or something?

Lisa [Sobbing]: Ma, I don’t want to go through this!

Mrs. Miller: But you have to do this for Mom and Dad.

Lisa [Still sobbing]: Ma, I’ll take the pills. I just don’t know how to stop my hugging and kissing rages.

Mrs. Miller [Hugging Lisa]: Lisa, honey, we all have our urges and habits. When I got pregnant with you[vii], your grandparents were going to write me out of their will unless I married your dad. I had no choice, but to marry your dad. I love your dad, and we both love you.

[Fading back to the present.]

Beth: Lisa? [Nudging Lisa’s left arm.] Lisa?

Lisa: Oh, I’m sorry.

Beth: What’s wrong?

Lisa: Please tell Dave after he’s calmed down that he can meet me at my apartment tonight. I gotta get out of here. [Lisa grabs her purse, and some papers as she dashes to the elevator.]

Beth: Lisa, wait!

Dave [Still yelling hysterically]: Oh my God! We all going to lose our jobs! The station’s license will tank!


ACT III


“Help! The FCC is After Us!”



[It is about 9:00 a. m., the next day. Max and Catherine are already in the Newsbooth. Dave walks in the office, followed by Lisa, and straight into Dave’s office. Dave immediately goes to his chair, and Lisa sits on his right knee.]

Lisa: How are feeling honey?

Dave: Horrible as hell.

Lisa: Oh, dear.

Dave: Yeah, I mean how in the hell could Joe ever record our lovemaking, and then amplify it all over the office? It’s just as bad for Matthew to give Joe the mike and tape recorder to do his dirty work. They are both suspended for a month.

Lisa [Feeling down.]: I agree.

Dave: Why? In fact why are you so down? You left the office before I could calm down. I needed you.

Lisa: I forgot to take my pill.

Dave: What pill?

Lisa: My birth control pill.

Dave: OH MY GOD! Why?

Lisa: I don’t know. I…

Dave: You should have… Whoa! Excuse me, Lisa I got to stand up. [Dave stands up and begins to smile while Lisa stands and gets off Dave’s lap.] Does this I, I, I could be a dad?

Lisa: Dave, I really don’t know.

Dave [Anxious]: I mean do we have to take you to the doctor? Get you in for tests? Boil water? Do…

Lisa: Dave, please calm down. I forgot about the pills, because my mind was all consumed by that stupid talk show convention in Chicago.

Dave: Chicago? Lisa, we may have to go through a complete format change or just a partial. Our ad revs are down, and Jimmy is insisting on sending somebody there anyway.

Lisa: Look, who could we send? We can’t send Matthew or Joe, because of what happened. As for Catherine or Max, we may need them here. And Beth?

Dave: No Beth. If goes to Chicago looking like what she’s wearing today, in light of us being in the Times, and on every TV, and radio station in the country…

Lisa: Oh, shit!

Dave: One of us has to go to Chicago. [Beth enters in.]

Beth: What this about my outfit?

Dave: Beth, you look OK. We need to send somebody to Chicago.

Beth: Can’t. I have to see the dentist this week, and Mr. James is just about to head to this office, now.

Dave: Holy fuck. [Dave and Lisa head to the couch to sit down.]

Jimmy [Enters Dave’s office, and stands by Dave’s desk.]: How goes it kids?

Dave and Lisa [begrudgingly]: Fine.

Jimmy: It doesn’t feel fine to me. What the hell is this “Oh God Almighty”!? Am I running a religious station, or is Howard Stern or Bubba the Love Sponge going to be our morning host?

Dave: Sir, I did not set this up.

Jimmy: Lisa?

Lisa: Not I, sir.

Dave: Sir, we caught Joe trying to tape record our “discussion” without our consent, and Matthew gave him the stuff not only to record, sir, but put what we were having on a mike that was also heard in the newsbooth, and now, since it aired, we are now on E-Bay.

Jimmy: On E-Bay. Swell. Now, unless we can convince the lawyers and the FCC to keep our license, everybody here, but me would have to look for work. Now, as I asked 10 years ago, which one of you am I going to fire?

Dave and Lisa: Sir?

Jimmy: However, if we can get together with the lawyers for the next three weeks to come up with a viable explanation with the FCC, Dave’s suspensions of Matthew and Joe would have to stand, but I understand that there was a disagreement between you two kids as to whether we should be represented at the Chicago convention at all. It is now in concrete. Therefore, I sincerely demand that [Pointing to Lisa.] Miss “Oh God Almighty!” go and represent the station, while you, the Stud Muffin and who was supposed to be the News Director here at WNYX talk it all out with our legal team.

Dave: Legal team? Which legal team?

Jimmy: Some law firm from Boston. The Donnell, Dole, Frutt, and Young firm, I believe.[viii] They’ll sort this helluva mess we now got here. Meantime Lisa, have fun in Chicago. When Lisa gets back, we’re going to invite the legal team here, show them the station, and have a lot of discussions on how to save everybody’s asses here. I gotta go. I’m still trying to get a hold of Miss Aniston over in Malibu. I’m still looking for a wife.[ix] Dave: Thank you, sir. [Jimmy leaves after he shakes hands with Dave.]

Lisa: Miss Aniston?

Dave: I’m not sure. Didn’t she play a coffee shop waitress?

Lisa: Daaaaave?

Dave: Just kidding.


ACT IV


“Departure JFK”



[Dave drops off Lisa at JFK, but before Lisa gets into the terminal, Dave and Lisa have a discussion outside as to what to do in Chicago.]

Dave: Well, honey, I wish you all the luck.

Lisa: I hope this whole Chicago fiasco is put behind us.

Dave: Lisa, I’m more worried about keeping the station licensed and in business.

Lisa: I hope that this whole lovemaking-on-the-air episode doesn’t get overblown in Chicago.

Dave: Things will be all right, but how about you? What if you are pregnant with our child?

Lisa: Dave, my Snagglepuss, I don’t know. I’ll just take it one day at a time.

Dave: Lisa, my dear, I really, really want you, want us to have our child, but if you make any decision, I would try to support you in any way I could.

Lisa [Nods yes.]: Sure, sweetheart.

Dave: It’s just that our professional reputations are on the line. I don’t know if I ever be in broadcasting again, knowing that our hour spent together was broadcast in the entire Tri-State area.

Lisa: Dave, it’s been four years since our city and our country have been turned upside down, and if there is a child now, or sometime in our lives, I want to raise our child so that he or she can have the fullest potential to be better than any of us. Sweetheart, I love you with all of my heart, mind, and soul, and if I can have you forever, I will. [Lisa and Dave kiss and hug each other.]

Dave: Thank you, my honey, but you have about a half an hour to get on the plane, and there’s a long line to the metal detectors.

Lisa: Oh, shit, I gotta run. Bye-bye, Snagglepuss.

Dave: Bye Honey. I hope there is a baby inside you.

Lisa: Don’t think too fast [Lisa waves, followed by Dave waving back.]


ACT V


“Banana Airflight”



[After Lisa gets checked-in, inspected, boards the plane, and the plane leaves, Lisa is sitting in the middle of the right side of the plane between a businessman with hair on her left, and a bald-headed businessman on her right. Three rows behind her in the center seats, there is an old Croatian couple also headed for Chicago speaking Croatian.]

Mr. Kovac [Trans.]: [I’m glad Luka still has that hospital job in Chicago.]

Mrs. Kovac [Trans.]: [It’s sad to see him break up with Samantha, that nurse. Babooska, is Abby still a nurse?]

Mr. Kovac [Trans.]: [Oh no, Sweetie, they now promoted her to Doctor. I hope she doesn’t tell him what to do.]

Mrs. Kovac [Trans.]: [Well, if she gets married to our Lukita, she’ll tell him what to do. It’s for his own good.]

Mr. Kovac [Trans.]: [Well, I want the two of them to have their own Lukita, or at least a girl. Too bad Luka lost Danijela, and Jasna and Marko. It’s also a little sad that Abby lost that other boyfriend. What was his name? Carter? Reagan? I hope it was Clinton. I hope he was related to that President Clinton.]

Mrs. Kovac [Slaps Mr. Kovac.] [Trans.]: [That’s not nice; even if you can’t speak any American.]

Baldy: Immigrants! They can’t speak a word of English.

Lisa: What?

Baldy: Those immigrants. If they can’t speak a word of English, they shouldn’t be on this plane.

Lisa: Sir, maybe they’re visiting relatives or something? You just can’t judge a book by its cover.

Baldy: Hey, I’m a taxpaying American! They’re probably finding a way to scam a welfare check or Social Security.

Lisa: That’s nonsense! Where did you [Feels queasy.]—oh my God! Stewardess…

Stewardess: Yes.

Lisa: I’m a little sick, do you have a doggie bag? [Covers her mouth as though she is about to throw up.]

Stewardess: Well, I have this air bag here… [Lisa grabs the bag, opens it fast, and immediately throws up.]

Baldy: Now what? You got something contagious? You probably got it from those Russians over there. [Pointing to the Kovacs.]

Lisa: I did not. I don’t know any of these people. They might be Polish or something. [Throws up in the bag again.]

Baldy: Now, that’s disgusting! Stewardess, I want to be moved to another seat. She has the flu, and I don’t want any of it.

Stewardess: It may not be the flu. It could be motion sickness.

Becky [A child two seats behind the businessman on Lisa’s left]: Or maybe she was like my mommy a while back! [Yelling to everybody on the plane.] She having a baby!

Lisa: No! [Throws up in the bag again.]

Becky’s mother: Becky! It’s not nice to embarrass strangers. She could be just sick.

Stewardess [To Lisa]: Maybe we can give you a laxative or something.

Baldy: Or hell, why don’t you move me to another seat, before I start throwing up?!!

Stewardess: Our airline regulations would no longer permit it, so you may have to stay there till we get to Chicago.

Baldy: Damn!


ACT VI


“O’Hare, the Dream, and the Shower”



[Lisa arrives at O’Hare. She now carries a lot of doggie bags along with her handbag. She steps out of the Terminal and waives for a taxi.]

Lisa: Taxi! Taxi! [A taxicab pulls over. The taxi driver gets out and goes to the passenger side to let Lisa in, and then he gets back in the cab.]

Driver: Where to?

Lisa: The nearest pharmacy, and then a hotel or something, like a Hilton, a Hyatt, or a Marriott.

Driver: The Marriott is close by, but I can take you to the Osco.

Lisa: The Osco?

Driver: It’s a drug store. Are you from L. A.?

Lisa: No, New York. I’m here for that stupid broadcasters’ convention.

Driver: Broadcasting? What’s your name, and what TV station from New York are you on?

Lisa: I’m not on TV. In fact, I’m the Supervising Producer for WNYX. We are the third largest news station behind WCBS and WINZ.

Driver: Oh, I heard about these two radio anchors in New York. They made love on the air. The lady kept saying “Oh God Almighty!” I mean couldn’t they do it in a hotel or something?

Lisa: I don’t have a clue. Our station is working with this Boston law firm to help us not get fined and lose our license.

Driver: I mean if I was the man in that station, I’d do it too.

Lisa: Are we close to this Osco place, yet? Damn!

Driver: Please, hold on lady. We’re almost there.

Lisa: Thank God!

[Driver stops at Osco Drug. Both Lisa and the driver get out, but the driver stays as Lisa goes inside. Lisa stops at the aisle where the laxatives are, and then heads for an aisle, and picks up a pregnancy test kit.[x] Lisa then pays for the items at the cashier. She takes her items, and heads back to the cab. Lisa then heads to the cab door again.]

Lisa: OK, on to the Marriott.

Driver: My pleasure. [The Driver then drives to the hotel.]

Lisa: I just hope that Chicago is a bearable city.

Driver: Chicago? You haven’t seen the beginning of it. [Laughs. Lisa shrugs.]

Lisa: Just please get me to the Marriott.

Driver: Were almost there.

Lisa: How almost?

Driver [Arrives at the Marriott]: We’re here.

Lisa: How much is the fare?

Driver: $25.

Lisa: Here’s $30.

[Lisa checks in the Marriott. She gets her key card, and heads up to the 14th Floor to Room 1413. After she opens the door, Lisa sits the suitcase on the bed. Lisa goes to the drawer below the bed lamp trying to look for a Bible, and instead she finds a Book of Mormon in the drawer.]

Lisa: Those men on bikes. Were they here? Hmm, isn’t there a Gideon Bible around here?

[Lisa then opens the suitcase, and pulls out her nightshirt. Lisa undresses to her bra and panties, and then puts on her nightshirt. Lisa then goes to the bathroom with her pregnancy test kit. She pulls down her panties and sits on the toilet. Lisa puts the test strip under her crotch and urinates. After a minute, Lisa looks at the strip, and it reads with a blue minus sign as in “negative”. Lisa then flushes the toilet, gets up, pulls up her panties, then heads for the bed, and moves the suitcase to the nearby table. Lisa gets into bed, and then begins to sleep. During the night, as Lisa dreams, she sees a little boy playing with a toy Space Shuttle in Dave’s office. The boy has the same color of hair as Dave’s. In the dream, Lisa walks in the office, and sees the boy sitting in Dave’s chair.]

Lisa: Hi, young man. There was this grown up that sits in that chair. Do you know where he is?

Little Dave: I don’t know. You mean my daddy?

Lisa: Daddy? What’s your name?

Little Dave: My name is David. My mommy and daddy help run this station for Uncle Jimmy.

Lisa: That’s neat.

Little Dave: Both my mommy and daddy also call me their Snagglepuss. It’s some lion that used to be on TV where they were my age. I just don’t understand why were they my age. I never seen them little.

Lisa: What’s that little toy you got in your hand?

Little Dave: It’s a Challenger. When Mommy and Daddy went to school, it blew up.

Lisa: Why are you here?

Little Dave: Mommy and Daddy made a wish on that couch, and it came true for them, and that’s why I’m here.

Lisa: Let me hug you. [Hugs her future son. Lisa sobs her heart out. The phone in her room rings, and it’s her morning wake-up call. She is still sobbing and is now hugging her pillow. She gets up and grabs her soap. She first makes to the toilet to throw up as she kneels down. She gets up, and undresses. She gets in the shower, and turns on the hot water. On a head and shoulders shot, Lisa closes her eyes, and turns the shower head towards her face. In a desperate plea, she thinks this silent prayer.]

[Cue the instrumental to the latest “Listen to Your Heart”.]

Lisa [VO]: Dear God, if You are out there listening to me, please hear me. I may feel sorry for the way I love Dave. I love him so much. Help me, Lord. Am I going to have a baby? Is it right for me to keep it? Is it right for me to work and raise a son or daughter? What should I do? Should I break Dave’s heart or just keep the baby? Am I breaking anybody else’s heart? Am I breaking my own? Please Lord, could You give me a sign? Could You please say or tell me anything? I do not know how to be more good. I still have this urge to make love with whoever I get an argument with whether it be with Dave, Stewart[xi], Dr. Frank[xii], or even that French kiss I gave Bill a couple of years before he died[xiii]. By the way, how’s Bill doing? I’m sad. I’m trapped by my urges. Did I do anything wrong to deserve this? Amen.[xiv]

[Lisa then bathes. She then turns off the water, brushes her teeth, and then gets dressed. She turns on the hair dryer to dry her hair. Lisa brushes her hair, and applies lipstick. She takes her handbag and stuffs the doggie bags inside and leaves the room.]

[Fade the instrumental “Listen to Your Heart”.]


ACT VII


“The Flat Earth Zoo”



[Lisa is at the Convention Center. She gets in line. She is behind Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Alan Colmes.][xv]

Limbaugh: Well if it isn’t Bill and Sean.

O’Reilly: I guess the whole WNYX story is going to be the biggest news of the Convention [Lisa is astonished.]. I just can’t believe that two employees can have sex when its two anchors are supposed to deliver the news.

Hannity: I guess WNYX was trying to get ratings. It’s been bad for them, since the death of Bill O’Neill.

Colmes: Well…

Limbaugh: I just don’t understand the two of them. I mean couldn’t the two get a hotel room? These two ought to be fired. I mean Jimmy James is a Southern fucknut that wants in the worst way to be married, and two of his wayward employees, not models like Howie would do, but two of his employees?

Colmes: Hey, I’ve seen you [Pointing at Lisa.] on “Countdown with Keith Olberman”. You’re Lisa Miller, the one in the controversial broadcast.

Lisa: [Lisa now looks pissed.] Damn!

Limbaugh: So you’re the whore of WNYX. When are you going to send in your resumes?

Hannity: I mean that is the most disgusting thing I ever heard on the radio ever. You’re worse than Howard and Bubba combined.

O’Reilly [Quietly approaches Lisa]: Say Lisa, I need a new producer for my TV and radio show, would like to file your resume with me sometime?[xvi]

Lisa [Angry]: Why don’t you take a falafel and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!

O’Reilly: Hey!…

Lisa: You always lie about Bush and why we need to be in Iraq! [Now pointing her hand at Limbaugh.] And you, college prank at Abu Greib my a… [Lisa faints.]

Limbaugh: Now, that’s a performance!

[Al Franken and Janeane Garafolo[xvii] come over to kneel and help Lisa.]

Garafolo: Performance my ass!

Franken: You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves. All of you, including you Alan!

Garafolo: You freaks from the Flat Earth Society all ought to go to the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Franken: I’ll call for help. [Dials 911 on his cell phone.] Operator, I have somebody that fainted at the Convention. [Asks Garafolo.] Who is she?

Garafolo: It’s Lisa Miller! I just talked about her on my show last night.

Franken [Talking to 911 Operator]: Lisa Miller. Yes. I don’t know the address of this place. We’re at the Broadcasters’ Convention. I think it’s near Michigan Avenue or something. OK, you’re coming down. Yes, I hold on till help arrives.

Garafolo [Uses a glass of water to give Lisa a sip.]: Lisa, here. [Taps lightly on Lisa’s face with her palm.] Lisa? Lisa?

Lisa [Comes to]: Where am I?

Garafolo: The Flat Earth Zoo.

Lisa [Still queasy]: The what?

[Cue the ER theme.]

[The paramedics come in with their stretcher.]

Paramedic One: Is this her?

Garafolo: Yes, she apparently fainted.

Paramedic Two: Ma’am, what is your name?

Lisa: Lisa Miller.

Paramedic One: Do you know what day it is?

Lisa: October 12th.

Paramedic Two: It looks like she fainted.

Paramedic One: Ms. Miller, were going to take you to County General.

Lisa: What?

Paramedic Two: Its four blocks up the street. Everything will be OK.

Franken: Lisa, our hearts and prayers will be with you.

[Michael Savage appears on the scene to insult.]

Savage: Well, well, well, the Whore of Madison Avenue[xviii] is being carted away.

Garafolo: Weinerbitch[xix], FUCK YOU!


ACT VIII


“Abby Superhighway”



[Lisa is in the ambulance on her way to County General. She asks one of the paramedics this.]

Lisa: Where am I?

Paramedic Two: You’re in an ambulance. You’re headed for County General.

Lisa: County General? In New York?

Paramedic One: You are in Chicago. You were at that Broadcasters’ Convention.

Lisa: Oh, this is what I get for attending.

[Outside at County General, Susan and Abby come to the ambulance arriving from the Convention Center.]

Susan [To Paramedic One]: What do you have?

Paramedic One: We have a person who fainted at the Convention Center.

Abby: Any vital signs?

Paramedic Two: Everything’s normal, except for the fainting.

Susan: We should still take her in. [To Lisa] What’s your name?

Lisa: Lisa, Lisa Miller.

[Lisa look’s at Abby’s face as she is wheeled to the ER, and thinks this thought.]

Lisa [VO]: Oh my God! Who is she? My twin? She looks like she went through a hurricane through the Holland Tunnel. I swear I only have two brothers. One’s a doctor at Mass General. Where is she from? If I find out my dad is cheating on Ma, I’ll kill him.

[Abby on the other hand thinks this as she wheels Lisa inside.]

Abby [VO]: Damn! This gal has the same hairstyle I had six years ago. Is she a long lost sister? Oh no, what did Maggie do this time? I hope she’s not bipolar. I already had to request three psych consults today already.

[Fade the ER theme.]

[Lisa is now in an exam room being examined by Susan and Abby.]

Susan: What is your full name?

Lisa: Lisa Marie Miller.

Susan: What is your date of birth?

Lisa: February 3, 1970.[xx]

Abby: Oh, my birthday is February 3, 1975.

Lisa: Coincidence?

Susan: Where were you born?

Lisa: Boston, Massachusetts.

[Gets a new nurse, Maxine[xxi], over to get some forms.]

Susan; Max, could you please get me some admission forms?

Maxine: Right away.

Susan: We need you to fill in some forms. Afterwards, we may have to keep you overnight for observation.

Lisa: Why?

Susan: We are not sure why you fainted in the first place. That Convention Center has not gone through a thorough cleaning.

Abby: Anyway, I have a few questions. [Susan goes and checks on another patient.]

Lisa: Yes.

Abby: Is this the first time you fainted?

Lisa: Yes.

Abby: Were you feeling dizzy, nauseous, or anything?

Lisa: Yes.

Abby: Do the smell of certain foods trigger an event of nausea?

Lisa: Hell, yes.

Abby: How about any signs of stress?

Lisa: Yes, the convention for one, and that broadcast in New York.

Abby: What broadcast?

Lisa: You see, I am the Supervising Producer for WNYX-AM in New York. I was telling my boss, Dave Nelson, the News Director there, that we shouldn’t send anybody over here. So, we argued over this whole issue, and since Dave is also my boyfriend, our argument turned into a lovemaking session. [Abby giggles.] What got broadcasted was that one of our employees had the nerve to tape record our lovemaking, and had a mike amplifying all of our sounds from the glass window that separates Dave’s office and the main office. Unfortunately, the mike’s sounds also got in the newscast through the newsbooth, and heard all throughout the Tri-State area in broad daylight.

Abby: Oh no.

Lisa: Because our lovemaking session was broadcast, we are now faced with losing our broadcasting license, unless we can convince the FCC to allow us to keep our license, but Mr. Jimmy James, the station owner, insisted that [pointing to herself] I, “Miss Oh God Almighty”, go to this stupid-ass convention and embarrass my ass, my reputation, and everything else. I wish I can leave Chicago right now.

Abby: Now, are you on any contraception?

Lisa: I am on the pill, but I forgot to take the pill that day.

Abby: Oh, I see.

Lisa: I am hoping that it is not true.

Abby: That you might be pregnant?

Lisa: Yes.

Abby: Why don’t you want to be pregnant?

Lisa: I don’t know. I took this test from this pregnancy test kit, and it came out negative.

Abby: Those tests are not 100% reliable.[xxii]

Lisa: Oh no. I also had this dream last night. There was this little boy that looked like Dave when he was little, and he told me that his mommy and daddy “made a wish” on the couch where Dave and I made love, and that’s how he was born [Lisa then sobs.].

Abby: OK, Lisa, we’re going to do some tests. We need to get a nurse to help us, and then, in a few hours, we will give you the results.

Lisa: OK, is there any chance I can also get some Kleenexes?

Abby: Certainly. Max, we need to bring out the sonogram equipment, a urine cup, some syringes, blood tubes, and of course, Kleenexes.

Maxine: I’ll get them.

[Maxine goes and gets the sonogram equipment and the other supplies. She gets the stuff and takes it back to the exam room where Lisa and Abby are at.]

Maxine: Here we are.

Abby: OK. What were going to do is to take a sonogram picture of your uterine area, and while I take your picture of what may be your baby, Max is going also take your blood. What you need to do Lisa is you’re going to lift up your blouse, and loosen your skirt. Since you are wearing nylons, you’re probably have to lower your nylons a bit or, if necessary, you may have to take them off.

Lisa: OK.

[Lisa unbuttons her blouse. She then unbuttons her skirt, and tries to lower her nylons a little low enough, but they start to go back up.]

Lisa: Do one of you guys have any bobby pins?

Maxine: I do.

Lisa [Sticks a couple of bobby pins on each side to keep her nylons down enough.] OK, I’m ready.

[Maxine spreads the gel on Lisa’s abdomen as Abby starts the sonogram machine. Abby then applies the sonogram tool and run it across Lisa’s covered abdomen. Maxine then ties Lisa’s arm and begins to find a vein.]

Maxine: This should take a few minutes.

Lisa: You kind of look like Dr. [Looks at Abby’s coat.], hmm, Lockhart. Are you related?

Maxine: No, not that I know of. I was adopted.

Lisa: How? The mother just gave you up?

Maxine: I don’t know. I was found at the front door of my daddy’s Ward. At the time, he was the Bishop, and they were getting the youth to go on a snow outing, and the kids found me there. [Finds Lisa’s vein and draws blood.]

Abby: When was that? Maxine: It was the first Saturday of February, 1978. The note that was attached to my basket, said I was born February 3, 1978.

Lisa: Another coincidence?

[Maxine and Lisa continue to talk while in a dream sequence, Abby starts to remember when she was about 2. Maggie, her mother, brought a gentleman home to entertain him. He looks like the Greek villain of “Days of Our Lives”, John Aniston, but with darker hair. As Maggie and her “friend” enter the door, Little Abby runs to Maggie wanting to hug her.]

Little Abby [Runs and yells]: Mommy, Mommy, you’re home!

Maggie: Hi, Sweetie! [Picks up and hugs Little Abby.] Honey, this is the insurance man. I need to discuss the insurance bill in my room, but you got to go to bed.

Little Abby: But Mommy, I want you to watch some TV with me.

Maggie: I’ll watch some TV with you in the morning. Tomorrow, we can watch Big Bird and those guys on Sesame Street.

Little Abby [Raises her arm and smiles.]: Yay!

Maggie: Yan, I’ll put Abby to bed, and we’ll “discuss the bill”.

Yan: OK. [Yan heads to the bedroom. Maggie takes Little Abby to her bedroom, and tucks her, holding her Big Bird doll, into bed.]

Maggie: OK, Sweetie, sleep tight. [Kisses Little Abby.] Don’t let the bed bugs bite, and we’ll see Big Bird in the morning.

Little Abby: OK, Mommy. Nighty-night.

[Later, Little Abby wakes up thirsty. She gets out of bed, and heads towards Maggie’s room.]

Little Abby: Mommy? I’m thirsty. Mommy? Mommy?

[Little Abby opens the door, and from her angle, sees no clothes on Maggie’s back as Maggie makes love with Yan.]

Maggie: … Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Right there. Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Oh my! My God! Oh God Almighty! Mother Mary help me! Ohhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Owwww! Owwww! Owwww! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! Oh, yes Yan. [Bends down to kiss Yan.] This is a great night. [Little Abby then walks back to her room.]

[Still in the dream sequence, and nine months later, Little Abby is in the front seat of Maggie’s car in her seat belt asleep. Maggie takes the newborn baby in the basket all bundled up out to the front door of the Mormon Church in the Georgetown area of Washington, DC. It is about 7:00 a. m. on the first Saturday in February, 1978.]

Maggie: OK, Dear. These people pray and go to Church on Saturday.[xxiii] The Priest or Reverend is gonna give you to a family who would take good care of you. I love you. I can’t take care of you and Abby too. Be good honey. [Sheds a few tears and gets back to the car with Little Abby.]

[Two hours later, Bishop Robinson comes with his wife, their kids, and a few teenagers. Other cars with teenagers and their adult leaders start to park behind the Bishop’s van. Bishop Robinson heads to the front door.]

Bishop Robinson [Speaks to his wife.]: Hey, look, Hon, somebody left some food for the Ward food drive.

Mrs. Robinson: Why didn’t they leave it in the bin?

Bishop Robinson [Looks inside the basket]: Honey, it’s a baby! [Everybody gathers around the Bishop and the baby.] Who would have left the child in the cold? [The baby, Little Maxine, coos.]

Bishop’s daughter: Look, she’s so cute.

Bishop’s son: Hey, is there anyway we can name her after our dog. He ran away.

Bishop Robinson: Max? That is a boy’s name.

Bishop’s daughter: Maybe we can name her Maxey or something?

Mrs. Robinson: I think we should find the baby’s parents.

Bishop Robinson: I think we have to call the Police. It’s the right thing to do. Somebody has to claim this child.

Mrs. Robinson: Maybe we can get our “Maxine” some baby formula or something, I’ll run to the store to get some formula.

Bishop Robinson: I’ll unlock the door. Brrr, it’s getting cold for everybody. [Unlocks the door.]

[Out of the dream sequence, and Maxine concludes how she was found.]

Maxine: … and that’s how I was found. Abby? Abby? Dr. Lockhart?

Abby [Flashes her eyelids.]: Oh, I’m almost done. When I conclude, Max is going to take you to the restroom over there, because we still need a urine sample. [Removes the sonogram tool off of Lisa.]

Lisa: OK, Am I going to be up all night?

Abby: No, you’re going to need some rest. We’ll have a trash can by your bed, if it is morning sickness. Max, could I have the blood samples?

Maxine: Sure. [Maxine gives the vials of Lisa’s blood. Abby walks over to the lab with Lisa’s blood.]

Abby [Talks to the lab attendant.]: Joe, save these bottles for now. I‘ll be in the lab to examine them in a while.

Joe: OK.

[Abby goes to the restroom to get the urine sample.]

Abby: Max, is the urine sample ready?

Maxine [Gives the urine sample to Abby as Lisa gets out of the stall.]: Yes.

Abby: OK, take Lisa to her bed. Leave the urine sample for Susan to test in the morning. I’m going to check on the other patients.

Maxine: Are you going to be here?

Abby: Yes. Your shift is almost over. I’ll see you in the morning.

Maxine: Abby? Over since I came to work here, you have been acting a little strange. You keep looking at me like you like me or something.

Abby: No, I don’t have feelings for you. You see, I’ve seen my mother when I was little going around with other men, and she’s been pregnant more times than she should. There was three times she carried the baby other than when she had my brother. She claimed that she had a miscarriage or the babies were stillborn. Yet, she never told me what she did with them.

Maxine: What makes you think I might be one of them?

Abby: Because a, you look like me in so many ways, and I was growing up in the DC area around that time.

Maxine: You also looked at the patient the same way tonight.

Abby: She looks the same way I did six years ago. She’s looks like she’s either a twin or something.

Maxine: Abby, it’s you that are strange.

Abby: Strange? You haven’t seen my mother yet. My brother Eric is in Leavenworth for going AWOL and stealing a plane four years ago. They’re both bipolar. My mother did too many strange things to the point where I had to be a mother to her and my brother. I never had a childhood! While you were being the cheerleader and the Bishop’s daughter, I had to make sure my mother took her meds or she would be doing some crazy shit!

Maxine: And because this patient looks like your twin or something, you have to look at her strange as well.

Abby: Pretend your father walked out, and your mother went away days or weeks at a time? You never been in the hell I’ve been through. I had to get an abortion because my ex never really loved me, and I was too afraid of raising a bipolar child. My last boyfriend left me for some French whore in Africa, because he couldn’t stand the Wyczenski Family Drama. I have to go to AA meetings every week for the rest of my life, because I have a very hard time coping with everything. So if you think you life is hard, try mine!

Maxine: I can’t. I just can’t.

Abby: Enough said.


ACT IX


“The Golden Vial of Paternity”



[In a couple of hours, Abby takes the vials of Lisa’s blood, and sets them aside. Abby then types into the terminal the following information obtained from the forms Lisa filled out:]

[Screen says “PATIENT 1”.]

[Last Name: Miller]

[First Name: Lisa]

[Middle Name: Marie]

[Maiden Name, if any: N/A]

[DOB: February 3, 1970]

[Place of Birth:]

[City: Boston]

[County: Suffolk]

[State: Massachusetts]

[Father’s Name: Joseph Patrick Miller]

[DOB: March 3, 1945]

[POB: Boston, Suffolk, Massachusetts]

[Mother’s Maiden Name: JoAnna Marie O’Malley]

[DOB: December 16, 1951]

[POB: Brookline, Norfolk, Massachusetts]

[Abby then presses “Enter” on the terminal keyboard, and the screen now says “PATIENT 2” and Abby types again:]

[Last Name: Lockhart]

[First Name: Abigail]

[Middle Name: Marjorie]

[Maiden Name, if any: Wyczenski]

[DOB: February 3, 1975]

[Place of Birth:]

[City: Minneapolis]

[County: Ramsey]

[State: Minnesota]

[Father’s Name: Robert Allen Wyczenski]

[DOB: December 25, 1950]

[POB: New York, New York, New York]

[Mother’s Maiden Name: Magdalena Mariana Gonzalez]

[DOB: April 10, 1955]

[POB: New York, New York, New York]

[Abby then ties her own arm, and draws her own blood. Abby then closes the vial and gets out a pre-typed sticker from her clipboard, and initials with her own handwriting, the initials “LK” on it. She then puts the sticker on the vial of her own blood. Abby then goes and takes her blood and Lisa’s blood, and starts putting the drops of blood in each of the specimen trays. She first puts Lisa’s blood in the machine first, and then her’s. She closes the machine door, and while she waits for the results, she writes her notes about Lisa for her patient file.]

Abby [VO]: Patient L. Miller came into the ER as a result of a fainting episode at the Con. Center. She expressed that she appeared nauseous when she smells certain food orders. From typical experiences, it appears that the patient is suffering from morning sickness. Patient appears to be psychologically normal, and other than fainting and the nausea, all other bodily functions are apparently normal. It is not clear that the patient is pregnant yet. Sonogram pics were taken, and there appears to be a fetus in her uterus. A blood test will be performed by me, and the urine test will be done by Dr. Lewis. Results will be in tomorrow, A. M. Signed, A. Lockhart, M. D.

[The machine then flashes its light signaling that the DNA test is done. The first sheet that comes out is Lisa’s DNA results. The second sheet that comes out is Abby’s DNA results. Except for a three or four marks on top, and one near the bottom, the DNA to each are almost alike.]

Abby [Seeing the results]: Damn!

Abby [VO]: Damn it, Maggie! Why did you do this?!! Why? Why did she have to be born? In fact, why am I brought into this cruel world? How about Eric? Why did you have to bang everybody you meet? How many more abnormal people did you bring into this world? How can there be a God when people are born with physical and mental defects? Again Maggie, Why?!!

[Abby then takes Lisa’s blood to another machine. She then puts the vial with Lisa’s blood in the machine. Abby takes Lisa’s info from the forms Lisa filled out and inputs the info for this machine. A few minutes later, the results appear on the machine as “+ POSITIVE”.]

Abby [VO]: It’s true. I not only have an older sister, but I have an older sister that’s now pregnant. Why?

[In a flashback sequence, Abby remembers the time she was at the clinic with the Strawberry Shortcake poster on the wall, while the doctor has a D-N-C inside her vaginal area. The next minute she is in the park at a park bench crying hysterically as though she lost her baby. The next minute after that, she is in a bar rambling semi-coherently as she begins to be drunk as hell. The next minute, she sees her husband with another woman in her bed, and screams; all of this happened on February 3, 1997.]

Abby [VO]: Good luck, Lisa. Welcome to the next 18 years of hell.

[Abby now goes to the Doctor’s Lounge and falls asleep.]


ACT X


“Welcome to M*A*S*H, Lt. Lockhart, Best Care Anywhere”



[In a dream sequence, Abby dreams that she is back near the end of the Korean War in 1953. Her hair is tied back under an Army hat. She is in full dress uniform, wearing Second Lieutenant bars, with her name plate reading “LT. LOCKHART, R. N.” She meets two officers from M*A*S*H 4077th over there.]

Hawkeye [Shakes hands with Abby]: Zippity doo dah! Look what we have here?[xxiv]

BJ: Second Lieutenant Lockhart. You must be one of our new nurses.

Hawkeye: You see, this is 1953, not 2005, and the Doctor Draft didn’t cover any women.

BJ: Which means in this dream—

Hawkeye: --and war.

BJ: You have been demoted to nurse.

Hawkeye: Your immediate superior is Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan.

BJ: Not that we tried her out or anything.

Hawkeye: She is the bitch royale for this war.

BJ: Our CO is Colonel Sherman H. Potter, regular Army.

Hawkeye: Our Company Clerk is Corporal Klinger. Before he got that job, he was always bucking for a Section 8.

BJ: He had better nightwear than all the women in the camp here.

Hawkeye: Hey, we’re glad that your sister from New York is expecting.

BJ: Lucky! Most women in 1953 end up in radio doing the Lucky Strike commercials. The only time a major actress is a number two person at a studio is that gal in the “Show”. Which one?

Hawkeye [Imitating Desi Arnaz, Sr.]: Loooooo-cy!

BJ: Hey, you’re lucky you got that procedure done in 1997.

Hawkeye: Yeah, if one of us did it now, we would get the Chair.

BJ: Or the Gas Chamber.

Hawkeye: Yes, it can get dull here, but Corporal Klinger will announce “incoming wounded” in about 15 minutes.

BJ: So get ready.

Hawkeye: Hell begins in 15 minutes.

[Abby is woken up by Chen.]

Chen: Abby? Abby? Wake up.

Abby: Ahh?

Chen: It’s morning. You were mumbling something like “incoming wounded”.

Abby: I dreamt that I was in “M*A*S*H”.

Chen: Who were you? “Hot Lips”?

Abby: No. I was greeted by BJ and Hawkeye, the Welcoming Committee. They mentioned this patient that came in yesterday.

Chen: The one who fainted at the Broadcaster’s Convention?

Abby: Yes, and unless Susan proves otherwise, she’s pregnant.

Chen: Who would be the father?

Abby: Her boss, the News Director at her station in New York.

Chen: Oh, my? Is this a case of harassment?

Abby: No, he’s also her boyfriend.

Chen: Good, but then no good. Isn’t that a bad career move?[xxv]

Abby: Probably so.


ACT XI


“Warning, Your Medical License may be Revoked”



[Abby goes to the locker room, and Susan meets her.]

Susan: Hello. It looks like you spent the night here.

Abby: Yes.

Susan: How were the blood and sonogram results?

Abby: Positive on blood, and there’s an appearance of fetal matter.

Susan: The urine test was also positive. Our Convention Center patient is pregnant.

Abby: Susan, I do not believe I can ethically treat this patient.

Susan: Why?

Abby [Presents the DNA results of both her and Lisa]: Here’s my DNA, and here’s Ms. Miller’s. They’re both similar.

Susan: Abby, what in the hell did you do?

Abby: What?

Susan: Those DNA tests were done without the patient’s consent.

Abby: Wha—

Susan: Not only this Hospital can be sued, but your ass is going to be before the Review Board. Now, why in hell’s name did you do this?

Abby: Because my mother is not only nutty, but now she can be proven to be a whore.

Susan: Abby, what you and Maggie have gone through are two separate things. First, Max thinks you’re a lesbian or something, and now an out-of-state patient, from New York?!!

Abby: What am I supposed to do? If Maggie kept on making babies behind my back when I was little, she is certainly overpopulating the planet with crazy people of her kind.

Susan: I’ll tell you right now. Not a word of this to this patient. This is not a life-threatening situation, so you better act like you are not the slightest bit related to her, because if this Hospital gets served, your ass is in deep shit.


ACT XII


“The Sister From Nowhere”



[Susan and Abby go and enter the Exam Room where Lisa is in. Susan is the only one smiling while they’re coming in.]

Susan [Waking up Lisa]: Wake up, Ms. Miller, we have some good news.

Lisa [Yawns]: I hope so. This bed can literally put people to sleep around here.

Susan: Lisa Miller, you’re pregnant.

Lisa: I’m pregnant? What? Is it really true?

Abby: Yep.

Lisa [Cries for joy]: Oh, my God! This is the happiest day in my life. It’s gonna cost the station a half a million.

Susan: In insurance costs?

Lisa: No, the FCC fine. My precious moment with Dave was broadcast in the Tri-State Area. Dave, my Snagglepuss, is gonna be so happy! I hope it’s a boy. If it’s a girl [turns to Abby], I’ll name it after you.

Abby: Please don’t [Gives a fake laugh.]

Lisa: Look at you. You must been going through an awful day, like it sucks.[xxvi]

Abby: Not quite. By the way, who are your parents? Lisa: Joe and JoAnna Miller. I was originally from Boston. I have two brothers, one of them is a doctor at Mass. General.

Abby: What does your father do?

Susan: Abby?

Lisa: He’s an accountant. He’s been a CPA for several years.

Abby: Does he hire a lot of people?

Lisa: No, he usually hires one or two secretaries, and others. One time he hired this one girl Friday by the name of Maggie, who also babysat me for a while.

Abby: Maggie who?

Lisa: Maggie Gonzalez. I’m not sure if her name ends in either an “s” or a “z”. She’s half-Puerto Rican, half-Polish, and her father was killed in a gang fight in the mid-1950’s.[xxvii]

Abby: Why was that?

Susan [quietly]: Abby?!!

Lisa: Her mother’s brother didn’t want strangers to know about her mother’s mental illness, and he tried to arrange this marriage to a guy now doing time at Attica[xxviii] for her father’s murder. Maggie told me how brave her father was.

Abby: My mother’s name is Magdalena Mariana Gonzalez Wyczenski.

Lisa: Oh, that’s her? She told me that she met a man when I was four, and that she was going away to Minneapolis. She told me she was going to have a baby. Would that be you?

Abby: Yes. Lisa, I have to tell you something. We also did a DNA test with your blood.

Lisa: So?

Abby: It matches with somebody who works in this facility, and that would be me.

[Susan mouths the words, “you’re in trouble”, and briefly points a finger at Abby and leaves the room.]

Lisa: What are you trying to say?

Abby: It means that your birth mother may not be JoAnna Miller at all, and two, your father may have slept with Maggie, and kept it hiding from your family.

Lisa [Slams her hands on the bed screaming]: What?!! THAT’S IT! I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!

Abby: Now wait a minute.

Lisa [Screaming, and getting her handbag and everything else]: NO! YOU WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! I overheard that conversation you had with Max last night! I don’t give a flying fuck about your damned abortion, or the fact that your ex-husband and your ex-Frenchie lover don’t love you! I don’t give a SHIT!!! [Continues to march towards the exit.]

Abby: Damn it! You hold on!

Lisa: No! You better listen up you paranoid quack! My mother was threatened to be disowned if she didn’t marry my father. But I do have a boyfriend back in the greatest city of the world, New York, and he loves the hell out of me, and when I do get back, my boyfriend and I will sue you and this fucking dump!

[Lisa heads for the ER exit to the street, and she passes the front desk where everybody, including Frank, Weaver, Chen, Sam, Neela, Pratt, Adkins, Luka, and his parents who flew on the plane to Chicago with Lisa, and others are gathered behind.]

Lisa [Turning and pointing to Luka’s parents who she listened to on the plane]: OH MY GOD! THOSE RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE HERE! THIS AIN’T A HOSPITAL! IT’S AN INSANE ASYLUM![xxix]

Mrs. Kovac [Trans.]: [Luka, my son, is that Abby?]

Luka [Trans.]: [No, Mama; that must be one of Susan’s patients.] Susan!

Weaver [Walking with cane, and following Lisa to the ER exit]: What the hell is going on here? Ma’am, you can’t leave this Hospital without signing out, and exiting on a wheelchair. [Trips on a homeless patient.] Ahhh!

Abby: I’m getting her!

[Lisa is outside and headed for the L-Train, followed by Abby. Lisa races up the stairs followed by Abby.]

Lisa: If you’re looking for your Wyczenski Family Reunion, FUCK YOU!

Abby: Lisa, you’re the one making the mistake!

Lisa: My mistake is arguing with Dave over going to this damn windy fucking city in the first place! [Lisa heads for the ticket machine to pay for her fare.] Abby: Don’t you ever give a damn! Your baby could be bipolar!

Lisa: Bull shit! My dream said it was going to be a boy. One healthy boy, and nobody’s taking him away! No! Never!

Abby: The symptoms won’t appear until he or she’s in his or her late teens.

Lisa: Let me ask you this! Why did you have an abortion in the first place? Were you so confident that your baby was going to bipolar, or is it because you are afraid of caring?

Abby: Caring for what?

Lisa: More like caring for who?!! [Lisa starts to tear.] [Cue “Breathe (2 AM)”.]

You’re the one who’s afraid to love. You’re the one who’s afraid to care. I’m 35 years old, and I wasn’t planning to have my baby, but because of this wonderful mistake, I’m having him, even if I had to have it six feet under. NOBODY TAKES MY SNAGGLEPUSS! NEVER! NEVER!!! FURTHERMORE, IF YOU HAD ANY IDEA THAT YOU WERE EVER RELATED TO ME, WHY DIDN’T YOU SEE ME SOONER? WHY?!! [The train arrives. Lisa turns, and heads for the train door to enter in.]

Abby: You’re still making a mistake. You’re talking about a 20-year or more mistake!

[Lisa sits down. She then starts to weep.]

Abby [VO]: Lisa, welcome to hell, the Maggie or Eric hell.

Luka [Stands near the bottom of the steps.]: Abby, what the fuck happened?[xxx]

Abby: Long story.

Luka: Well, Weaver, and Susan are pissed. Come down. The day hasn’t ended yet.

[Fade “Breathe (2 AM)”.]


ACT XIII


“A History of Sadness”



[Luka is at Abby’s house in bed with Abby, but Abby is wearing a nightshirt, and Luka is wearing a t-shirt. Luka is asleep, but Abby can’t sleep.]

Luka [Awakes]: Abby, what’s wrong?

Abby: I can’t sleep, and it’s not just about the suspension.

Luka: Well, first, it was just rumors that there was something going on between you and Maxine, and now, this out-of-state patient from New York. Clearly, you weren’t trying to one up on Weaver.

Abby: No, it’s Maggie. When I could’ve had a real mother, I had this care-free, out-of-control “mother” who I had to end up taking care of, and when Dad left us, I was more of a mother to Maggie and Eric. Before she had Eric, there was at least three times she was pregnant, but each time, she claimed that the baby was born stillborn or that the baby died soon after. When Max came to work at the ER, she acted like she was a carbon copy of me, except she was raised by a nice family, with all the normal trappings of any family you might find in Salt Lake City. It was this Lisa Miller gal from New York that drove me over the edge.

Luka: But Lisa was born earlier than you. Why did you have this obsession?

Abby: I fear that her baby was going to be bipolar, and be another Maggie or Eric.

Luka: Abby, that patient had all the right to do whatever she wanted to do with her pregnancy. You haven’t clearly established that she was related to you yet, but you went ahead, without the patient’s consent performed a DNA test, and you forged my initials on your own blood vial [Abby giggles.]. Abby, this ain’t funny. You simply used your handwriting to write my initials.

Abby [Smiling.]: It’s the only way I write. You know I don’t do this cursive shit like I was some regular Jane Hancock or something.

Luka: Abby, this is serious. Unless you can give the Hospital some extenuating circumstances at a hearing next week, you’re gonna have to clean out your locker, and the State Review Board was notified of this incident, and if they are not satisfied with your explanation, you wouldn’t even work as a hospital janitor in Illinois. [Abby turns her head toward the ceiling and starts to tear.] Abby? What’s wrong?

Abby: It’s what Lisa said. “More like caring for who?” When I came to work at County General, I was still married to Richard. We didn’t get along since we were married, and when I found out that I was pregnant, I had two worries. One, Bipolar Disorder runs in my family. Maggie has it. Eric has it. My grandmother Maria[xxxi] had it before she committed suicide in ’71, and I was worried about giving the gene to the baby, but two, Richard was never around to give me support on any other issue, so I went to the clinic in town, and had an abortion. [Abby sheds a tear, and briefly puts a clenched fist over her mouth.] After that, I went to the park, and I started to cry like hell. It felt like I killed my baby.

Luka: Abby, it’s all right.

Abby: No, it’s not over. I kept crying all day, and a couple of my friends from the Med School invited me to go Doc Magoo’s, and so I went and drank, and drank like hell I did! I was talking to the bartender and everybody else, and I rambled, and rambled, and rambled. When the bartender left his shift, and the next bartender came in, he didn’t like my rambling shit, so he ordered a cab to take me home. After I came home, I went to the bedroom, and found Richard with this sexy classmate of his in our bed, and I screamed! I grabbed a few pots and pans and I threw them at Richard and his whore. I kept on screaming and throwing until the police threw me out of my house. And all of this happened on my birthday [Abby now weeps, and hugs Luka.]

Luka [Returning the hug from Abby]: Abby, I know I was raised differently; what you guys call “old fashioned”, but where I came from, I have seen a lot of war. Milosevic was so hell bent on genocide, on what he called “ethnic cleansing”. He not only targeted anybody that was Muslim, he targeted anybody that was non-Serbian. When I received my I-20 visa to work at County General, I had this big party at my mother-in-law’s house, and Serbian troops came to the party uninvited. Those Serbians got their automatic rifles and shot nearly everybody at the party. I was already in the bathroom when they came, and I went to the bathtub to hide from the carnage. After they left, I found Danijela, Jasna, and Marko, my wife, daughter, and son, dead. I hate to, as you guys say it, “rain on your parade”, but I will do anything I could to love someone special and to raise my children together with her. I’ll never see them ever again, but Abby, you’re the one that has to start caring again. Richard was an asshole, and Carter, why do you knock him sometimes?

Abby [Still crying]: He left me. When I had troubles with Eric, he just had to leave to go to bum fuck Africa, and met this Kem whore. I wanted somebody to cry on their shoulder when I had problems like this.

Luka: Maybe is it because your dad left you and Eric with Maggie?

Abby: That too, I hated him for that, but like me and others with relatives who suffer from Bipolar, a lot of people get scared when they see somebody act not in a normal manner. It was Maggie’s behavior that drove my father to the edge, and he wanted nothing to do with us. Maggie doesn’t have that many friends, because her behavior scares off everybody. I had troubles growing up, because instead of having a typical mom-and-dad family, it was I who had to remind my mother to take her meds. If Maggie could not help us get dressed, get undressed, and bathe us, I had to help Eric do all of that. It was me who had to make Eric’s lunch and mine. It was me who made the cereal, cooked the eggs, cooked the soup from the can, cooked TV trays in the oven, and so on. I had to make sure that the insurance man, and the milk man came on Saturday to get their money, or otherwise Maggie would run off with him to who knows where. There were times when Eric went to the neighbors across the street and stayed for weeks at a time, because when I became a teenager, there were times I ran away, and so did Maggie. There was times when I felt like having a Johnny Cash-moment where I wished that I could tune out, and forget why I was even born.

Luka: Were you ever caught for running away?

Abby: Sometimes yes, but regardless of why I returned, Maggie wasn’t taking her meds, and she was very depressed. If she didn’t attempt suicide before I returned, there were times that she tried days after I returned, and she even tried one time hours after I came back. Maggie was a combination of a helpless child and a devil seed.

Luka: Abby, I know you are neither a helpless child nor a devil seed. Not everybody with a bipolar parent is going to have a bipolar child, else otherwise, you wouldn’t be working at the ER. [Alarm clock rings.] Shit, it’s morning. [Luka stretches and yawns.] Abby, I suggest that you spend the next week finding your so-called sister, and make peace with her.

Abby: My god.

Luka: If you could make peace with her, she might not want to sue the hospital, especially if it is proven that she is your sister.

Abby: OK.

Luka: I’m going to get in the shower. Do you want to join me?

Abby: No. I have to find some things.

Luka: What things?

Abby: Some pictures.

Luka: Pictures? [Abby gets up to go to her drawer.]

Abby: Yes. I’ve seen some of Maggie’s old Boston pics. [Luka heads for the bathroom.]

[Abby is thumbing and rifling through her drawer, and finds a picture of Maggie with Mr. Miller who looks like Michael Caine.[xxxii] She turns to the other side of the picture and finds the date “10-24-74” written on it with “74” written over the white-out. Abby finds a metal nail file and scratches out the white out. While the right part of the four is still on the white out, Abby uncovers the number “69” on the back.]

Abby: That lying bitch! [Abby yells.] Damn it, Maggie! [Telephone rings.] Hello.

Maggie: Hello, Abby.

Abby: Mom, why did you lie to me?

[Cue split screen; Abby on the left; Maggie on the right.]

Maggie: About what? What’s going on?

Abby: Why did you not ever tell me that I have an older sister?

Maggie: That’s absurd, honey. I said it a million times. You should already know—

Abby: No, Mom. Remember Mr. Miller? Joseph Miller from Boston?

Maggie: Abby, that’s crazy. Just because I worked as his girl Friday does not mean he’s your father.

Abby: NO, DAMN IT! Lisa Miller is now my sister! You had sex with this Miller idiot did you?

Maggie: I don’t know what you’re talking about?

Abby: Mom, I did a DNA test with her blood and mine, and it matches.

Maggie: Bull shit! What got you to come up with that crazy idea?

Abby: I have a picture of you and Miller. You put white out and wrote 74 on the date where it was dated 69. Now who else in the hell did you bang?

Maggie: I didn’t have sex with anybody but your father. Abby, how dare you accuse me of such a thing?

Abby: Miller wasn’t the only one. How about the Greek “insurance man”? How about that defense contractor, or that trucker in Milwaukee? How, Mom?!!

Maggie: Abby, I don’t know who or what you’re talking about?

Abby: Well, I remember when you gave birth before Eric. I was asleep on my third birthday, and we went to this Church or building, and you claimed that the baby died there. Did she die, or is she still alive?

Maggie: Abby, what are you saying? YOU’RE NUTS!

Abby: NO, YOU’RE NUTS! GRANDMA WAS NUTS! ERIC IS NUTS! I HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS 30-YEAR HELL OF INSANITY, AND I BLAME YOU AND THIS WHOLE DAMN FAMILY!—

Maggie: FINE! FINE! YOUR ASS SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPANKED MORE OFTEN!

Abby: MAGGIE! IF I FIND ANY OTHER EVIDENCE YOU ARE BANGING OTHERS, I’LL PUT YOU IN CONSERVATORSHIP!!!

Maggie: ABBY!!!—[Clear split screen] [Abby throws the phone across the room, and then she throws various objects towards the mirror grunting the whole time, and then she finds various big bottles of whiskey she hid, and throws them at the mirror, breaking the mirror. Luka then gets out of the shower soaken wet with a towel around his waist. Abby starts to weep.]

Luka: Abby! What the fuck are you doing?

Abby [Weeping]: Maggie called! She doesn’t want to admit she screwed anybody.

Luka: Abby, you need to get away. Why don’t you go back to see your new-found sister? In fact, let me get my wallet.

Abby [Still weeping]: Luka, hold me!

Luka: Here. Here’s $2,000. Please get to New York and see Lisa.

Abby [Still weeping]: Luka, she’s still pissed. She still refuses to realize that her dad could have done this.

Luka [Hugs and kisses Abby, and then stops, and Abby stops crying]: If she is your sister, and it’s unofficially to be already, she will love you like a sister. I also wish I can take you to the airport, but my shift starts in a few minutes. If you don’t get an earlier flight, I’ll take you.

Abby: OK. I’m going to pick up the mess first.


ACT XIV


“We Welcome You Home From Hell”



[Cue the “Sounds of Silence”.]

[Lisa who just arrived at JFK picks up what is now her roll-away luggage. She rolls her luggage on the airport walkway. She then gets on the shuttle to the subway. She takes the subway back to Manhattan. When Lisa arrives in Manhattan, she gets off the subway and goes up the stairs to the street. She walks to her apartment, punches her security code to get in, and then heads to the elevator. She gets off the floor where her apartment is, and then unlocks the door and gets in. [Fade the “Sounds of Silence”.] She sets the luggage next to the kitchen entrance, and heads to the phone. She then turns on the answering machine.]

Lisa [VO with John Williams’ “The Mission” playing in the background.]: Hello, this is Lisa Miller of WNYX-AM. Please leave your name, message, and the time you called, and I’ll return your message as soon as I could.

Machine: Beep.

Jimmy [VO]: Lisa Miller. I heard you fainted at the Convention Center in Chi-Town. What happened? Let me tell you what. Let me give you the week off, but I still need you when I get the Donnell Dole firm at the station. See you later. Bye.

Machine: Beep.

Joe [VO]: Lisa, this is Joe at 4:32 p. m. Lisa, I am so sorry. I heard you fainted in Chicago. I’m sorry that I put a lot of stress on you. Please forgive me. Bye.

Machine: Beep.

Matthew [VO]: Hi ya, Lisa. This is Matthew. Please don’t let the FCC kill our license. Please don’t let Dave or Jimmy make my suspension permanent. Please,--

Machine: Beep.

Max [VO]: Hi, Lisa. This is Max. Get well soon. Bye.

Machine: Beep.

Catherine [VO]: Hello, Lisa. This is Catherine. The time is 7:53. I hope you feel better baby. I heard you fainted after being confronted by those talk radio thugs. Get well, soon. We women need to kick some ass. Bye.

Machine: Beep.

Dave [VO]: Lisa, honey, this is your Snagglepuss, Dave. Hey, I’m sorry that you fainted in Chicago. I also called Cook County General in Chicago. They said this weird doctor chased you out of the ER? Why? Patients maybe, but a doctor? Maybe—

Machine: Beep.

Lisa: Doctor my ass.

[Lisa gets up and heads for the kitchen, and then the phone rings.]

Lisa [VO with John Williams’ “The Mission” playing in the background.]: Hello, this is Lisa Miller of WNYX-AM. Please leave your name, message, and the time you called, and I’ll return your message as soon as I could.

Machine: Beep.

Beth [VO]: Lisa, this is Beth. I heard that you had this dreadful--[Lisa runs to pick up the phone.]

Lisa: Hi, Beth.

[Cue split screen; Lisa on the left; Beth on the right.]

Beth: Lisa, what really happened?

Lisa: I’ve gone and went to hell and back.

Beth: That bad? I know you fainted, but what was with this doctor who chased you?

Lisa: She did a mysterious DNA test on me, and claims that she is my sister.

Beth: A sister? I know that your brother is a hottie doctor in Boston, and what happened to your brother in Baltimore?[xxxiii]

Lisa: He mysteriously moved away with his daughter. Hey, listen, I don’t have a sister.

Beth: Why did the doctors bring this up?

Lisa: I told this quack doctor that I was also throwing up. Then this quack, and a nurse who looks like her, gave me the whole pregnancy test, the blood, the urine, and the sonogram. They told me I was pregnant.

Beth: PREGNANT?!! [Jumps in her chair.] WHOO-HOO! Lisa, you’re the woman! [Lisa giggles a bit.] Dave’s the father, right?

Lisa: Yes, he is. But my problem is with this quack. She claims that my mom did not give birth, but it was this Maggie gal, her own mother, that my dad hired. Beth: Maggie? Who’s she?

Lisa: Maggie was a fun person. She was also hired as my babysitter. I had some fun together with her. I thought she was related but wasn’t. Anyway, when I was four, she moved to Minneapolis and got married to this Robert Wyczenski guy, and after that, I haven’t heard from her in a long time.

Beth: But why did she do a DNA test?

Lisa: The doctor looked like me going through the Holland Tunnel. She thought that I looked so familiar, and she took the initiative to do her own DNA test.

Beth: But didn’t you told me that your mom had to get married early or be disowned, because she got pregnant?

Lisa: Yes, that’s true, but why didn’t this quack come to me or my parents anytime sooner? I grew up with two brothers, and loving parents. She claims that Maggie is bipolar or something, and she was trying to get me not to keep the baby.

Beth: If I was you, I wouldn’t, but this Maggie gal being bipolar? If this was the case, I wouldn’t know what I would do. Lisa, how come you’re not bipolar?

Lisa: Now, Beth, don’t start this. I’m not related to this Lockhart quack, and as far as I’m concerned, Dave and I are keeping him or her, crazy or not.

Beth: Why?

Lisa: I love Dave with all of my whole heart and soul. I’ve been with him off and on for the last 10 years. When he came back from New Hampshire in Early September 2001, everything was just normal as it could be until the Twin Towers were hit on 9-11, and we all were under stress, and a week later, we weren’t married, but we were in a honeymoon mode, and I know you’ve seen us fight and argue, but I always end up having sex with people that I argue with, and after you’ve been with someone for so long, you want to be with him forever.

Beth: Lisa, you need to know that we all love you, and that we need you back at the station, unless it’s one of those difficult pregnancies, but what are you going to do about this quackette?

Lisa: I doubt if she coming here, but if she does get here, I’ll get a restraining order. I can’t stand this crazy quack bitch. [Clear split screen.]


ACT XV


“The Truth Hurts, and It Hurts So Bad”



[At 9:00 a. m., Dave has gathered all the staff, including the suspended Matthew and Joe, but not including Lisa for a staff meeting.]

Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, I called this staff meeting to calm everybody’s fears about Lisa. She fainted at the Broadcasters’ Convention in Chicago, and I earlier received news from Beth, that she in turn received from Lisa, and before I say anything else, I will turn the floor over to Beth. Beth?

Beth: Well, I usually say everything in a flirty manner, but this is serious. Lisa had an unfortunate event, that is really more fortunate. The day the station had that unfortunate broadcast, Lisa, I hate to say this, forgot to take her pill, and during the Chicago trip, Lisa had morning sickness. The Hospital over there treated her, and did some tests, and the good news is Dave and Lisa are expecting. [Everybody congratulates Dave.] The problem is that one of the doctors in Chicago was acting in paranoid manner in chasing Lisa out of the Hospital, and is ridiculously claiming that she is related to her in some way. So, when Lisa gets in, congratulate her on the pregnancy, but don’t discuss the chasing incident.

Dave: So please get ready. The Boston firm is going to be here at 10:30 for the tour, and unless the firm would like to ask Matthew and Joe some questions today, I expect Matthew and Joe to temporarily clean their desks by lunch.

[Fade to 58th and Madison shot.]

[At 9:45 a. m., Lisa comes in the door. Matthew and Joe are not present. Beth is at her phone. Max and Catherine are in the newsbooth, and they wave hi to Lisa while still doing the news. Lisa goes to Beth, and Beth stands up to hug her.]

Beth: Welcome home Lisa.

Lisa [Smiling.]: Hello.

Beth: Mr. Nelson is already in.

Lisa: Mr. Nelson?

Beth: I had to tell Dave what you told me, and while the news that you guys are expecting are booming about, that quackette issue is out of bounds.

Lisa: OK, I want to forget Chicago is on the map. [Lisa opens Dave’s door comes in.]

Dave: Lisa?

Lisa: Dave? [Cries, and hugs Dave.] Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave!

Dave: Lisa, everything’s going to be all right. [Kisses Lisa a little bit.]

Lisa: Chicago is all hell! [Dave takes Lisa to his chair, and Lisa sits on his right knee.] First, there was the morning sickness, and then the dream.

Dave: Lisa, what dream?

Lisa: Now, you’re gonna make me cry even more. I dreamt that I was in this office, and I’ve seen our little boy with a little toy space shuttle. He said his name was David, and that he pointed to our couch over there. He said we made a wish over there, and that’s how he was born.

Dave: Well, I can’t tell our son or daughter that we made love on that couch, and give him or her a point per point detail on what we did. Typically, we ain’t supposed to do it in the office, but we did anyway.

Lisa: When I heard it from Dave, Jr., in the dream, I was hugging him. [Crying.] I didn’t want to let go. [Still crying.] What pissed me off was that paranoid quack wanting me not to have the baby.

Dave: Now who is this quack?

Lisa: Dr. Abby Lockhart. She did this crazy DNA test without my consent, and tries to tell me that my childhood babysitter by the name of Maggie who was also my dad’s Girl Friday, was my mother, not the one who raised me since birth.

Dave: Her mother is your mother? What is wrong with her?

Lisa: She claims that her mother suffers from bipolar depression. I also overheard her tell this nurse off, who also looks like her for some reason, saying that she aborted her first baby, that her last husband left her, her last boyfriend left her, her brother is in Leavenworth, and she’s an alcoholic, and so on. The point is that she has a lot of drama in her life, and she wants to save me from some drama.

Dave: Well, we have a different kind of drama. There maybe no station in months. Whether we find new jobs or—forget the alternative, we are still going to take care of our baby. I want the baby. You want the baby. I’m not going to be like that asshole who dumped his wife and baby in the bay over in California, because he wanted to bang his girl on the side. [Lisa giggles.]

[At the elevator, Abby gets out of the elevator and walks inside WNYX. Matthew and Joe approach Abby believing that she is Lisa.]

Matthew: Lisa, did you get my message?

Abby: Lisa who?

Joe: Wow, first the morning sickness makes you faint, and now, it’s like you got amnesia or something.

Abby: Oh, your boss told you about Lisa’s pregnancy?

Joe: Lisa, you were the one who was banging Dave in the office last week.

Abby: I’m not Lisa. [Abby hands out business cards with the name “Abigail M. Lockhart, M. D.” on them.] Here’s my card.

Matthew: Were you the quack that chased Lisa out of the Hospital in Chicago?

Abby: I was an OB-GYN Nurse at Cook County General Hospital between ‘96 to ’99. I was in the Medical School program at the County General ER between ’99 and 2000, was disenrolled, and worked as an ER nurse between 2000 and 2002, and was reenrolled in the Medical School program in 2002, and became a Doctor in 2003, and I have been a resident there since that date. Now, were you the guys that recorded that lovemaking session between my patient and her News Director?

Matthew and Joe: Yes.

Abby: Well, first of all, get a life, and second, I am here to see Lisa and her boss.

Joe: We were told not to discuss that issue.

Abby: Well, where is your “gatekeeper”? [Beth stands behind Abby.]

Beth: That would be me.

Abby: Hello, where do I find Ms. Lisa Miller, and the news director here?

Beth: Who are you?

Abby [Hands out her card.]: Dr. Abby Lockhart, Cook County General Hospital.

Beth: Where is Cook County at?

Abby: Chicago.

Beth: Oh my GAAAAAAWWWWWD! You must be the whacked out fucknut who has a paranoia episode.

Abby: I am not schizophrenic. My mother and brother are bipolar, but rest assured, I am the sane one in the family from the beginning.

Beth: Then what makes you think you can fly all the way to New York and repeat the harassment?

Abby [Pulls out the picture of Maggie and Lisa’s father out of her purse.]: I got a picture of my very pregnant mother and her father right here.

Beth: So? It just shows that she has you in her belly.

Abby: I was born February 3, 1975. The back of the picture is dated October 24, 1969.

Beth: Oh, my God. The “nine” is altogether, but what is that white-out with a hyphen right there?

Abby: The “69” was whited-out, and “74” was wrote over that. Maggie made it look like that I was in her abdomen, instead of Lisa.

Beth: I got to tell Dave and Lisa.

Abby [Following Beth to Dave’s door]: Is that the News Director’s Office?

Beth: Wait. You can’t barge in there. [Abby opens the door to Dave’s office.]

Dave: Hello, who are you?

Lisa: DAMN IT! DAVE, CALL SECURITY! I WANT THIS PARANOID FUCKNUT OUT OF THIS BUILDING!

Dave: Lisa, can’t we discuss this with her?

Lisa: NO!

Abby: Well, this is a picture of your dad and Maggie. [Sets the photo over the table.]

Lisa: So! That’s Dad and Maggie! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?!!

Abby: Turn the picture over.

Lisa: It says 10-24-69. Something was whited-out over 69. Why?

Abby: Your birthday is February 3, 1970, correct?

Lisa: Yes. Abby: Now, I was told that Maggie was pregnant with me in that picture. The question is why would she be pregnant with me in 1969 when I was born on February 3, 1975?

Lisa: I don’t know.

Abby: Do you still keep pictures of your mother in Boston about this time?

Lisa: No. I do know that my dad was an accountant, and my mom was in the Anti-War Movement.

Abby: Was there any old newspapers of any demonstrations during that time?

Lisa: My parents didn’t keep old newspapers.

Dave: Dr. Lockhart?

Abby: Call me Abby.

Dave: Abby, why are you asking all of these questions? It was Lisa’s mother that got pregnant early, and got married under threat of being disinherited. Why is there a picture of this pregnant Maggie back in 1969?

Abby: Maggie, who is my mother, apparently has a habit of sleeping with men. Now, I have seen her pregnant at least three other times, other than the time she had my brother. I am not here for these pregnancies, but Maggie is not just bipolar, but she is a bipolar tart. When Lisa has her baby, she and you will not see any of the symptoms until at least midway into his or her teens. Maggie was 14 at the time. She could have shown some of the symptoms at the time. Lisa, you said she babysat you after you were born. What did she do during her babysitting duties?

Lisa: She played with me and my toys. She took me to the zoo from time to time. We took baths together. She dressed me, and even changed my diapers. She fed me.

Abby: How?

Lisa: The usual. She bottle-fed me.

Abby: OK.

Lisa: Now, I don’t know about this. I must have been hallucinating or something. I believe I was also breast-fed.

Dave: Your mom breast-fed you, right?

Lisa: No, I used to think that Maggie somehow breast-fed me, but how can that be?

Dave: Honey, I’m not a doctor, it’s impossible for a 14-year old to give you breast milk.

Abby: Unless she immediately gave birth before that time. When do you remember even vaguely being breast-fed?

Lisa: I was three. It was before I went to pre-school that day. I was breast-fed, and I told the teacher about, and everybody was laughing. I told Ma later that day, and she didn’t believe it. She always bottle-fed me. I used to think that it was impossible to be breast-fed until years later.

Abby: Who did you assume breast fed you that day?

Lisa: Maggie.

Abby: 14-year olds don’t breast-feed any children, unless they gave birth to a baby. Lisa, I’m sorry, but Maggie is your birth mother.

Lisa [Weeps big time.]: Ahhhhhhh! [Lisa slaps her hands on Dave’s shoulders.] Dave! Dave! Dave! [Dave hugs Lisa, and then she turns around and hugs Abby.] I’m sorry that I yelled and screamed at you.

Abby: I wished it would have came to a better outcome.

Dave: Lisa and Abby, I wished that we can continue this bonding, but Jimmy and that Boston firm are going to be in the Office in about 10 minutes.

Abby [Stops hugging Lisa]: What Boston firm?

Dave: Jimmy James, the owner of this station, hired the Donnell Dole firm to help us fight the FCC.

Lisa: Dave, Honey, could you please get me some Kleenexes?

Dave [Hands a Kleenex box]: Here.

Lisa: What tipped off that I was related to you?

Abby: I tried asking Maggie about those three pregnancies. She refused to say why. When you came to the ER from that Convention, you and that new nurse, Maxine, all look alike.

Lisa: But Abby, why me? If you knew that Maggie was playing the whore, you could have tried to find my dad, and he would have shed some light.

Abby: Maggie deliberately whited-out “69” on purpose. She probably didn’t want me to find you or your parents. She was the one who told me that I was the oldest, but she didn’t want to tell me much else about her time in Boston.

Lisa: Now we know—so far. I have to go to Boston to see my dad. Do you want to go with me after they show the station to the lawyers?

Abby: Yes, I want to go, but I also want to ask you if you can sign an affidavit to both County General and the Review Board telling that I did the DNA test to find out if you were related to me, and two, you are my sister, because I am bound not treat anybody who I am related to.

Lisa: I think what I can do is that you and me get a bona fide paternity test to prove that we are related, but why do you think that my baby may be bipolar.

Abby: Unfortunately, it is a crap shoot. I don’t have the disease. The only reason why I had the abortion was that I did not have any emotional support from my husband at the time.

[Jimmy enters the Office with Bobby Donnell, Lindsey Dole, Eleanor Frutt, Eugene Young, Jimmy Bertuli, Helen Washington[xxxiv], and Lucy, their receptionist.]

Jimmy: Ladies and gentlemen, here we are, WNYX-AM, 585 on the dial, and over there [Pointing to the newsbooth.] is our newsbooth, and that guy [Pointing to Joe.] is the major reason why you are here other than more than 30,000 phone calls, 4,000 letters in the public interest files, and the Official FCC Notice of Inquiry.

Jimmy Berlutti: This is a station?

Eleanor: Jimmy.

Lindsey: No everybody, it is a news station. It is not the two big news stations owned by Viacom.

Lucy [Heads over to Beth]: Hey, is that the new shoes from Prada?

Beth: And the bag?

Lucy: Also Prada.

Beth: How neat! [Lucy and Beth hug each other.]

Jimmy [Nudges Bobby.]: Mr. Donnell, you ought to watch it, and your assistant. They might conspire to form a union.

Bobby: Mr. James, nothing is happen in that regard. Is your News Director here?

Jimmy: Yes, and so should the Supervising Producer as well. She wasn’t at the Convention like she was supposed to. I heard somebody chased her out of the Hospital, some patient or something. Beth? Beth? She must be forming a union. I’ll call Dave on his Office phone. [Dials the extension to Dave’s Office.]

Dave [His phone rings, and he picks it up.]: Hello. How may we help you?

Jimmy: Dave, is Lisa in there with you? I brought the Boston Firm over, and they need to see the two of you.

Dave: We’re just about ready.

Lisa: Honey, do you have anymore Kleenexes?

Dave: Yes, Sweetheart. [Hugs and kisses Lisa.] I hope this is better than a gauntlet this time around. In the meantime, I’ll introduce them to your “new” sister, Abby.

[Dave, Lisa, and Abby head for the door. Dave opens the door, and he first lets Lisa out, then Abby, then himself.]

Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, everybody here, except Jimmy and the legal team here, but I have two announcements. One, it is official. Lisa and I are expecting. [Dave hugs and gives a kiss to Lisa.]

Jimmy: So that’s why you fainted! Dave, you lucky son of a bitch! So are you two finally gonna get married?

Dave: Mr. James, we haven’t decided what course to take, except to raise our son or daughter together, and before I forget, nobody before today, except for Lisa, of course, did not know that she has a somewhat “new” sister. To my right, is Lisa’s sister, Dr. Abby Lockhart.

Joe: Well, I thought for a minute that you actually cloned your child.

Matthew [Shakes hands with Abby]: Well, Abby, if you’re gonna stay in town, do you wanna go out?

Abby: Nope, I’m seeing someone in Chicago.

Jimmy: Well, I hope to see this family reunion over with. Now, I want to introduce the law firm of Donnell, Dole, Frutt, & Young. This is Mr. Bobby Donnell.

Bobby: Nice to meet you. [Shakes hands.]

Jimmy: Ms. Lindsey Dole:

Lindsey: Nice to meet you. [Shakes hands.]

Jimmy: Mr. Eugene Young.

Gene: Nice to meet you. [Shakes hands.]

Jimmy: Ms. Eleanor Frutt.

Eleanor: Nice to meet you. [Shakes hands.]

Jimmy: Ms. Helen Washington.

Helen: Nice to meet you. [Shakes hands.]

Jimmy: Mr. Jimmy Berluti.

Jimmy Berluti: Nice to meet ya. [Shakes hands.]

Jimmy: And over with Beth is Lucy, their assistant. Beth?

Lucy: Oh, hi, everybody.

Bobby: Now, Mr. James, our firm would be here for the next four weeks. I know that we will be here for the tour today, but I would like to set an appointment at least seven days after today to do the interviews with the people involved.

Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. James, I received a message on my machine saying that I could get a week off. I have to go back to Boston with Abby.

Jimmy: Why?

Lisa: Plenty of personal reasons. I have to see my dad.

Jimmy: OK, then. I’ll grant it. I’ll see you here next week. And Dr. Lockhart, you’re from Chicago. Have you done any radio?

Abby: No, I have not.

Jimmy: Oh, come on, Dr. Lockhart? Didn’t Lisa recruit you from the Convention?

Abby: No, she did not, and in fact, I do have a regular job, thank you.

Jimmy: As in what?

Abby: Emergency medicine.

Jimmy: Lisa, didn’t you see her at the Convention?

Lisa: No, I seen her at the ER because I fainted in line due to morning sickness.

Dave: Excuse me, Mr. James [Pointing to Bobby and Lindsey, who are whispering to each other], but it seems you two are also together, why is that?

Bobby: I was a solo practitioner for a few years, and Lindsey, and I were Court, and our clients were suing the same defendants, so we decided to restart our entire firm again, and—

Lindsey: We also still have joint custody of our son. We’re still divorced, but we are working to patch things up on the personal side, while we are doing excellent work, since we were known for our one-time Plan B strategy.[xxxv]

Bobby: Anyway, we would have done the interviews with those involved this week, but we have a capital case in Part 59 of the Supreme Court that we have to work on as early as tomorrow, so I wish everybody here good luck, and I like to congratulate on behalf of the firm Dave and Lisa for starting a new family. [Everybody congratulates.]

Jimmy Berluti: Hey, isn’t it right that these two get married?

Eleanor: Jimmy?!

Lisa: Well, Snagglepuss, I’m going back to Boston. [Lisa kisses and hugs Dave.]

Dave: I’ll see you real soon honey [Turns around and shakes hands with Abby.], and Abby, I wish you good luck, and please take care of your sister for me.

Abby: Well, I can’t do everything now. She is my sister.

Dave: Well, I wish you guys good luck.

[Everybody waves and say bye to Lisa and Abby.]

Lisa: Bye everybody!


ACT XVI


“Visiting the Sins of her Father”



[Abby and Lisa are on the plane to Boston. After the stewardess gives the standard emergency instructions, Abby and Lisa begin to talk. Abby is sitting in the window seat, and Lisa is sitting on the aisle seat.]

Lisa: Must they keep on with same set of instructions?

Abby: It’s supposed to be standard operating procedure, but when that time comes, it’s usually too late to do anything else, even save anybody after a crash landing. Anyhow, how was your life?

Lisa: Well, let me tell you about me. After pre-school, my first school was the Boston Montessori Academy. After the Sixth Grade, I went to St. Catherine’s until I got my diploma. I went to New York University and later dropped out[xxxvi]. What got me hooked on my career was when I worked at the college radio station, they had me read the news, edit tapes, and even host a couple of programs, and already, stations were sending letters as far away as Saskatchewan. In a couple of years, I was hired by Jimmy at WNYX. I was hired first as a reporter, and later as a Supervising Producer. Around that time, I started dating Stewart, and then I broke up with Stewart. What changed in my life was that Jimmy wanted to fire the old News Director[xxxvii], so when Dave came to WNYX, we all thought that he was going to be hired as the Sports Anchor. At that time, I put in my resume for the News Director position, and I thought I was a shoe-in. When Dave told everybody that he was the new News Director, one of Jimmy’s first duties for Dave was to have Dave fire the old News Director. There was no real chemistry until a week later when Matthew, who later helped Joe eavesdrop on us, said Joey Buttafuoco’s name wrong in a news story. He said Buttafucko[xxxviii]. So, I argued with Dave over this, and we ended up making out. The second argument we had, we made love. Each time, I had an argument with whoever I’m with, I make love with him. I don’t know if this makes me a nymphomaniac, but instead of hitting the son of a bitch, I started kissing them, and later on, I started making love with them, and that’s why years ago my mom had me on the pill. As for Dave and I, there were times we were a couple, and times we broke up. In ’99, I was briefly married to Johnny Johnson[xxxix], but it was annulled in 2000. The station was also in turmoil in ’99. First, Bill O’Neill, our Anchorman, died of a heart attack. Then, Jimmy went to jail for tax evasion, but was overturned on appeal. While Jimmy was in jail, he had the station sold to Ted Turner. I was re-promoted to News Director, after I was the Supervising Producer, News Director, and later demoted to Reporter, and between ’99 and September 2001, the station was in a funk, so after Jimmy was released from jail, he bought all of Turner’s radio stations, and hired Dave back, who was working in New Hampshire at the time, back as News Director the day after Labor Day. When 9-11 hit New York, it was absolute bedlam. Everybody but Dave and Jimmy were made reporters. We were working almost 24/7. After a week, we were exhausted. We didn’t have time to make love, and we had all of this bottled-up, pent-up energy; we fled to the Poconos. We hardly ate, unless you count oral sex, and there was a lot of that too. We had Max and Catherine running the station, but Jimmy was desperate for ad revenue, so we only there for five days. We have been OK ever since, and everything was fine until I was forced to go to Chicago. Now, how was your life?

Abby: I was born in Minneapolis. We briefly moved to Washington, then to Milwaukee, and then back to Minneapolis. I was born in ’75, and Eric was born in ’79. Other than those three mysterious pregnancies of Maggie, it was my parents, Eric, and I, until ’80, when Dad left, so I ended up being mother and father to Maggie and Eric at the age of five. I was the one who had to remind my mother to take her meds. If Maggie could not help us get dressed, get undressed, and bathe us, I had to help Eric do all of that. It was me who had to make Eric’s lunch and mine. It was me who made the cereal, cooked the eggs, cooked the soup from the can, cooked TV trays in the oven, and so on. I had to make sure that the insurance man, and the milk man came on Saturday to get their money, or otherwise Maggie would run off with him to who knows where. There were times when Eric went to the neighbors across the street and stayed for weeks at a time, because when I became a teenager, there were times I ran away, and so did Maggie. There were times I couldn’t stay in school, and take care of my insane mother at the same time, so I took the G. E. D., got my diploma, and graduated Pre-Med from Northwestern. I studied first to be a nurse, and I became an OB-GYN Nurse at Cook County General Hospital between ‘96 to ’99. I was in the Medical School program at the County General ER between ’99 and 2000, was disenrolled thanks to Richard, my ex-husband, and worked as an ER nurse between 2000 and 2002, and was reenrolled in the Medical School program in 2002, and became a Doctor in 2003, and I have been a resident there since that date.

Lisa: Richard? What did he have to do with this?

Abby: That’s when I had a life of sorts. We were married in ’95, but it later became a loveless marriage. In fact, he was always with some slut on the side from day one. When I was pregnant, Richard didn’t give a damn, so I had an abortion, and my life was all turned upside down on my 22nd birthday. After I got divorced from Richard, I fell in love with Dr. Luka Kovac the first time around in ’99, and we broke up a year later. In early 2001, I fell in love with Dr. John Carter when we received two children with Smallpox[xl], and not only Carter and I were isolated with the two kids and their parents, but so was Dr. Chen, Dr. Pratt, and a homeless patient. When anybody has Smallpox, the whole hospital gets shut down. It was absolute chaos. Your 9-11 week was a picnic compared to the Smallpox outbreak. People threatened to break out of the Hospital. If there was a breakout, the Governor and the President would have to declare Martial Law. We couldn’t make it easy on anybody, but treating the patients. During the lockdown, however, Carter and I felt for each other. Then we kissed. A couple of weeks later, we took showers together. We were a couple. There were great times between Carter and I. Things began to fall when Maggie when trying to call me and tell me that Eric was missing over Lake Superior. It was otherwise a great day. Carter was headed to Mexico, and before he left, we made love in broad daylight. Even Maggie was trying to call me then. The best thing I did was sing “Afternoon Delight” to Carter, in bed, and in full birthday suit-splendor. I later found out through a Chicago policeman what Maggie was trying to tell me about Eric. When I later had a bad day in the ER that day, I thought Eric died, so I wanted to finally talk to Maggie, and I wanted to talk to Carter, and I wasn’t able to talk to either one of them, so I was talking to a bottle of Southern Comfort instead. Carter found me so wasted, that Carter, Maggie, and I were on a campaign, riding the Greyhound along the way, to find Eric. Days after we found out that Eric was arrested, he was court-martialed for desertion, and sent to Leavenworth for 10 years. The whole episode of trying to find Eric, and riding the Greyhound with Maggie, my Bipolar “mother”, Carter went to Africa, found time with this Makemba whore, and sent me a “Dear Jane” letter. The only thing he did good after the break-up was pay for my last year of Med. School, and after I passed my Boards, I finally became a doctor. I later started to see Jake, and now, I’m seeing Luka, but it’s not serious yet.[xli] He’s too serious. His wife and two kids died in the Civil War in Bosnia, and has always wanted to “restart” his life. If he wasn’t after me, he was after Carol, then me, then Nicole, then Sam, and he couldn’t be in a relationship for long. While I was still going with Carter, Luka was so drunk, he wanted to renew our relationship. He blatantly gave me a snowglobe in front of Carter, I, and everybody else at the Christmas Party. The guy wants a “replacement family”.

Lisa: Obviously, the guy is very lonely.

Abby: Lonely? He banged a patient’s mother in the broom closet. He—

Stewardess [VO]: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to approach Logan International Airport in about 10 minutes. Please fasten your seatbelts. As we see, you may feel a little turbulence, so please be calm as we approach Logan.

Abby: Wow, this is a fast flight.

Lisa: Well, it’s not like we’re going all the way to L. A.

Abby: That would take about a six-hour flight from O’Hare.

Lisa: We should be here soon.


ACT XVII


“Mother”



[Lisa and Abby are at Logan. As soon as they are outside, they try to flank a cab.]

Abby: Is it easy to get a cab here?

Lisa: It’s just like New York. [Raising her hand.] Taxi!

Abby: I’ll help. Taxi!!!

Driver: Well, hello. You two must be twins. Where to ladies?

Lisa [Lisa and Abby get in the cab]: We’re sisters, not twins. First, we’re going to 4049 Concord Pl.

Abby: Lisa, what’s there?

Lisa: The person’s house who raised me. My ma.

Abby: Your mother?

Lisa: Abby, I’m sorry. I don’t recognize Maggie Gonzalez Wyczenski as my mother. She may have given birth to me, but she perpetuated this fraud on you and I. She is in her own world. I’m not Bipolar. You’re not Bipolar. The thing is Ma spent the time raising me, helping me with my homework, helped paid my tuition at St. Catherine’s, etc. Ma and Dad raised me. You had to raise your own mother and brother. I’m sorry. I did not get your baptism by fire. I wasn’t allowed to bathe my brothers. I didn’t have canned soup and TV trays for dinner. In fact, we didn’t watch TV. My world was radically different from yours. In retrospect, Maggie should have her tubes tied, and we wouldn’t have to suffer. Unfortunately, we were born, and we have to suffer. There are answers I want from Ma, before I see Joseph Patrick Miller I.

Abby: You’re now referring your dad by his full name?

Lisa: He betrayed me. He cheated on Ma. He had Ma concoct this story of a shotgun-type marriage, but why is Maggie involved? Didn’t Dad level with Ma on how Maggie is involved? Since test tubes weren’t perfected yet, the only way Maggie could have me is by getting fucked by Joe Miller. He owes me an explanation big time, and that’s why were here in the city of my birth. Driver, are we there yet?

Driver: I’ll be there in a few minutes.

Abby: Lisa, is your place near any of the sites?

Lisa: No, but we’re still in the good side of town. My ma was born in Brookline, but years later, it became all ghetto. [Driver turns on Concord Pl.] We’re almost there.

Driver: Here we are. That will be $22.

Lisa: Here’s $25.

[Lisa and Abby get out of the taxi with their luggage. They take their luggage to the front door of Mrs. Miller’s house. Lisa rings the bell. Mrs. Miller opens the door and approaches Abby thinking that she is Lisa.]

Mrs. Miller [Hugging Abby]: Lisa, how are you? You haven’t changed.

Abby: Excuse me, but the lady who had my hair style that I had six years ago is Lisa.

Lisa [Hugging Mrs. Miller]: Hello, Ma. I love you [Sheds a tear.].

Mrs. Miller: Well, the both of you. Please come in.

[Mrs. Miller, Lisa, and Abby enter the house, and they sit down in the living room.]

Mrs. Miller: Lisa, and what’s your name?

Abby: Dr. Abigail Lockhart. You can call me Abby.

Mrs. Miller: Doctor? I have a son named Joey. He’s a Doctor at Mass. General. I have a picture of him. [Pulls out a picture of guy looking like Ben Affleck[xlii] in a Doctor’s coat from her purse, and gives it to Abby.]

Abby: Mrs. Miller, I already am seeing someone in Chicago.

Mrs. Miller: Chicago? Lisa, how did you meet this person? I thought you worked in New York.

Lisa: Ma, I was in Chicago for a work-related Convention, and I met Abby at the ER there.

Mrs. Miller: For what? Are you seriously ill?

Lisa: No, Ma, I fainted over there due to morning sickness. Ma, I have some news first. I’m pregnant.

Mrs. Miller: Ohhhhh! You’re gonna have a baby! Wait a minute. Who’s the father? Are you gonna get married?

Lisa: Ma, it’s Dave, my News Director, he’s the father. He wants to be the father. We have not decided on marriage, but Dave has insisted on also raising our child together.

Mrs. Miller: Well, marriage is very important. But as long as he doesn’t move from bed to bed, like Brad and Angelina are doing, make sure he stays loyal with you, not like your father.

Lisa: Ma, the real reason why we are also here is because of Dad. He divorced you—

Mrs. Miller: Because he cheated on me. I know. But why is Abby here? Is she a head shrink?

Abby: No, I am an ER doctor. I also did the pregnancy tests on Lisa, and while I was getting the results, I also did a DNA test. Except for minor differences in the results, Lisa and I happen to be related.

Mrs. Miller: What? Are you twins?

Lisa: Ma, why are you asking that question?

Mrs. Miller: Because I have to tell you the truth. I did not give birth to you out of wedlock. Your father found you on the doorstep in a bassinet.

Lisa: A bassinet?

Mrs. Miller: First, let me tell you why I lied all of these years. Your dad found you at my apartment. I was gone for six months for the peace protests across the country against the Viet Nam War. So when your dad and I found you, we felt that we can keep you, but we couldn’t just claim we found you. We first lied to my parents, and said I gave birth out of wedlock, so we moved the wedding to the following week, and I had to do penance for Father Malloy, but I felt guilty a decade later, so I had to do penance for lying to Father Malloy. But Abby, how are you related to Lisa? When were you born?

Abby: I was born on February 3, 1975, in Minneapolis. Since Lisa was born on February 3, 1970, in Boston, somebody was the father and mother of Lisa.

Mrs. Miller: Abby, who are your parents?

Abby: Robert Wyczenski and Maggie Gonzalez Wyczenski.

Mrs. Miller: Maggie? Umm? Maggie Gonzalez? Oh, that is Lisa’s babysitter. OH MY GOD! [Holds her right hand over her mouth.] SON OF A BITCH! Your dad was having sex with other women even back then.

Lisa: Ma, remember when you told me that it was impossible for Maggie to breast feed me, you had me thinking for a long time that people could not breast feed. Maggie was in fact, breast feeding me.

Mrs. Miller: That’s because your dad hired her. One floosie after another. Abby, how is your mother? Abby: She has Bipolar Disorder.

Mrs. Miller: Well, Lisa, you don’t seem or act crazy, and you Abby couldn’t be crazy and work at an emergency room, too. That must be crazy enough. Joey also works at the ER at Mass. General as well.

Lisa: Ma, you will still be, and always be Ma. Finding out that Maggie gave birth to me scares the shit out of me, and she was doing everything she can to make her part of my life. She helped me when she could, but after I heard from Abby how Maggie treated her and her brother, I don’t want her to be part of my life, and my family.

Mrs. Miller: Why? Abby, were you and your brother abused?

Abby: I would not call it abuse. Maggie was in fact helpless. She was more helpless when my dad left us, so I ended up at age seven, being both a mother and father to both Maggie and Eric. When I was 16, I passed the G.E.D., and left for Northwestern. Part of the reason why I broke up with my last boyfriend was because he had to see how Maggie was like, and my brother Eric was also Bipolar, and since he was in the military, he was busted for desertion that was Bipolar-related, and my last boyfriend, Maggie, and I were on bus rides trying to find him. After that episode, he went to Africa, “Dear Janed” me, and brought home this Makemba gal from there. People, even the most educated, and the most rich, don’t want to deal with mental illness, and the people who are related to them, and take care of them.

Mrs. Miller: My ex-husband had sex with that evil animal. There is no way in hell I want him back into my life.

Lisa: Ma, where is he at now?

Mrs. Miller: Him? That bastard? He’s at his house near Plymouth. Why do you want to see him?

Lisa: I want to know why. Why would my dad do this to me, and whatever children he may have fathered other that Mark, Joey, and I?

Mrs. Miller: He’s at 4230 U. S. Highway 6. I hope you have the cab fare.

Abby: I still have $1,200.

Lisa: $1,200? Where did you get the money from?

Abby: My friend Luka, the guy I’m seeing in Chicago. I was supposed to use the money for expenses to trying to see and make peace with you.

Mrs. Miller: Make peace?

Lisa: Ma, she did the DNA test without my consent, but I have since forgiven of that.

Mrs. Miller: Why?

Lisa: Abby let me see a picture of Dad and a very pregnant Maggie that was originally dated in 1969.

Mrs. Miller: “Originally dated”?

Abby: Maggie didn’t want me to know about your family. She claimed that the three other pregnancies I seen her with other than with Eric were dead or stillborn, but when Max was hired as a nurse at County General, she also looked like me, and that’s when I started to have questions. Lisa, however, came to County General by pure accident. If she didn’t get pregnant by Dave, I would never have met you.

Mrs. Miller: Lisa, when you see that son of a bitch, you tell him I said go to hell.

Abby: Mrs. Miller? Do you have a phone that we can call a cab from?

Lisa: I got my cell phone. I’ll call.


ACT XVIII


“One Hell of a Japanese Flag”



[Lisa and Abby are on U. S. 6 to Plymouth. They’re on the Plymouth Peninsula towards Mr. Miller’s house.]

Abby: I haven’t seen such a strong body of water like this.

Lisa: It’s the Atlantic Ocean, not Lake Michigan. It’s also like this at Coney Island, and all of Long Island. Have been outside of the Great Lakes?

Abby: Yes. I’ve been in Mexico, the Caribbean, L. A., and so on. I was offered into the Doctors Without Borders program, but I declined, citing family reasons.

Lisa: Maggie?

Abby: Yes.

Lisa: I must be blessed or something. If Maggie was the person who raised me the first 18 years of my life, I would have ran away.

Abby: Been there, done that many times over. Running away from a mentally helpless woman would not solve the problem. It’s like having a hangover. The only solution I ever found was time. The minute I got my G. E. D., I went to Chicago, worked at Doc Magoo’s, and I applied at Northwestern, using college grants and loans, and some money from my uncle on my dad’s side. I wanted to flee, but until they cure Bipolar Disorder and the like, people like Maggie need to be taken care by family members, because state and local health authorities will drag their feet, and not keep the mentally ill in places where they can get treatment. Other than that, I envy you. I used to envy entire neighborhoods, because each house had one stable parent and some even had both of them. There have been times when I just wanted a normal life.

Lisa: This Luka guy? Does he make you happy?

Abby: He used to. We had our differences, but I don’t know if he’s the right one.

Lisa: He wants to restart a family. Let him. He wants to be happy.

Abby: My major fear is that if I ever have a baby with Luka or anybody else. I fear that I will raise another Maggie or another Eric. If I ever have a child, I want my husband or boyfriend to help me raise the child. I don’t want to be abandoned again. How about you and your baby?

Lisa: I take risks. It must either be the Joe or Maggie in me, but I am 35 years old. If I wait any longer, I would be an old maid. You also have to understand my dream I had before I went to the Convention. I seen my Little Dave in the dream, and he seemed to be a miniature Dave playing with a toy Space Shuttle on Dave’s desk. He was so innocent when he said that Dave and I made that wish on that couch, the one Dave and I always made love on, and he came into this world [starts to cry], and I don’t care what anybody else says. My Little Dave looked so healthy. I cannot see why he won’t turn out so bad. [Reaches to hug Abby.]

Abby: Well, even if ever get pregnant again, I don’t think I’ll ever get an abortion again. Even though I thought it was initially right, the minute I went to the park, I first looked at the sky, and then I heard a baby screaming bloody murder, but there were no children in the park at that time. I then started to weep, weep, and weep. It’s like I put the baby on the kitchen table, and I stabbed it repeatedly, and it kept on screaming. Since the baby or whatever or whoever it is was inside me, it was like my life was getting the life force sucked out of me. It felt that I was doing something wrong.

Lisa [Sniffles]: Of course, you didn’t have any support either way.

Abby: I didn’t. With Richard, it was all Richard or Richard and his whore, but not Richard and I. I wanted somebody who would hold my hand, and take me away to somewhere where it was safe and peaceful. That’s how I felt with Luka the first time around, and with Carter, but it is the past that always haunt me.

Lisa: I really don’t know. I didn’t live your life. What I think happened was that Maggie wasn’t just trying to babysit me. She conspired to raise me. When she married your father, she lost most of her attention to me. I don’t know who was the evil person, Maggie or Dad. Ma says its Maggie, but she wasn’t the one with the dick. Maggie was 14 years old at the time, and Dad, Dad was the one who took advantage of her, and why did your grandmother commit suicide?

Abby: My grandmother Maria also had Bipolar Disorder. She took it from the time she left Puerto Rico, and after her boyfriend Tony was killed, she was depressed, but with her starting to start being Bipolar, even raising Maggie was just as difficult. Maggie never told me about you, but her cousins in New York kept telling me that she gave birth, and must have killed her baby or something. Babies simply don’t disappear.

Lisa: How about Maxine? What makes you think that she is related to you?

Abby: She keeps on telling her version on how she was born, but I remember that time. I remembered when Maggie was pregnant. The problem was that she apparently became not pregnant. If you remembered the story you heard back at the ER in Chicago, Maxine said she was abandoned at a Mormon Church by Georgetown. I vaguely remember sleeping in the front seat, and seeing this Church without a cross on top, and Maggie was taking out something that looked like a bassinet that was covered up. It was freezing cold and snowing, and I kept on asking Maggie about this, and she kept on giving me two stories. One was that the bassinet was only full of food that she gave to the Church for a food drive, and Maggie’s baby was born stillborn. The only time I seen her have Eric was due to the fact that since it was heavily pouring rain, I called 911 to get the ambulance over and the phone didn’t work, so Maggie got on the bed, I took off her underwear, and me delivering Eric at the age of four was like delivering my dog’s puppies weeks earlier. It was that night, as well as watching M*A*S*H, that I decided to become a doctor. As for Maxine, I suspect that Maxine may also be my sister, but she is single, and she doesn’t want to deal with me all the time, because she thinks that I’m another Weaver.

Lisa: Weaver?

Abby: Dr. Kerry Weaver. She’s Chief of Staff at County General, and she is a lesbian.

Lisa: Driver, are we there yet?

Driver: We’re almost there. What’s the address again?

Lisa: 4230 U. S. Highway 6.

Driver: We have about five more houses to go. Are you sure you ladies have the cab fare?

Abby: I still have over $1,200.

Driver: Well, my meter reads $124, and counting.

Lisa: We’re almost there.

Abby: Lisa, are you ready?

Lisa: Yes. I’m sad and I’m mad. I feel like my father is Judas Iscariot.

Abby: Well, since the day I was born, I felt my mother’s real name was Mary Magdalene.

Lisa: Well, I finally got my wish. I now have a sister.

Abby: Same here, and saaaaaaane!

Driver: Here we are. It’s $127.

Abby: Um, let me see. [Looking for enough fare.] Oh, hell, here’s $150.

Driver: Thanks.

Abby: Well, are you up to it?

Lisa: I feel that I’m one of the Prosecutors during the Nuremberg Trials.

[A young lady in a tube top comes out the door to pick up the newspaper.]

Young Lady: Hello. Who are you two?

Lisa: My name is Lisa Miller. I want to see my father.

Abby: And my name is Dr. Abby Lockhart, her … friend.

Young Lady: Well, Joe never told me that he was expecting any visitors.

Lisa: Joe? I thought you would give that man some respect.

Young Lady: Well, let me wake him up for you two.

Lisa: At 2:00 p. m.?

Young Lady: Well, we’re very busy people.

Abby: You said your dad was an accountant. It seems like he’s a pimp instead.

Lisa: All the more reason why Ma divorced dad. I also wonder about Mark, my brother.

Abby: What about him?

Lisa: About nine months after the Paris Peace Talks in ’73, my mother was one of the demonstrators over there, and she met a nice guy from the Yugoslavia Regime. I think his name was Kojak or something.

Abby: Kojak? That’s a Greek name.

Lisa: Well, I got a picture of Mark, and here he is [Takes out and hands a picture of a man that looks like Luka.].

Abby: Oh my God! That looks like Luka Koh-Vach, my friend. Your mom said that they were friends, and what was he doing there?

Lisa: That guy worked at the Yugoslavia Embassy in Paris. After the talks were concluded, and that the war ended, she never saw him again.

Abby: I vaguely remember Luka telling me that his father briefly worked for the Tito Regime, so I guess everybody plays the field whenever they could. Now I have a stepbrother that is Luka’s stepbrother.

Lisa: At least neither Mark or Luka are Bipolar.

Abby: God forbid!

Lisa: They’re not answering the door. I’ll check it. [Lisa turns the knob.] It’s open.

Abby: Good, it’s like robbing the candy store.

Lisa [Lisa and Abby enter the living room.]: We’re here. Have a seat on the couch, and I’ll find Dad.

[Lisa finds her dad’s room only to find the Young Lady wearing only a tube top, and nothing else, making love with Mr. Miller.]

Young Lady: -- Oh my! My God! Oh God Almighty! Mother Mary help me! Ohhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Owwww! Owwww! Owwww!—

Lisa: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Young Lady and Mr. Miller: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

[The Young Lady covers her crotch with her hand as she runs to the bathroom. Mr. Miller sits up in bed, and Abby comes to the bedroom to find out what’s going on.]

Mr. Miller: Shit! Lisa, can’t you let me have my privacy?!!

Lisa: With who? A 14-year-old?

Mr. Miller: First of all, let me get my shorts on.

Lisa: Fine, get your shorts on, but I want answers today! [Pointing her finger down.]

Mr. Miller [Getting his boxers on.]: What answers? You know me and Ma divorced. [Stands and heads towards Lisa.]

Lisa: I know that! Damn it! Remember Maggie? I brought her daughter Abby here to see what damage you have caused.

Mr. Miller: Who in the hell is she? A head shrink?

Abby: Mr. Miller, I have known my own mother to be promiscuous.

Mr. Miller: So? So is every teenager then, and so is every teenager now.

Lisa: Bull shit, Dad! Maggie was originally hired by you to help you around the office, correct?

Mr. Miller: Yes, so?

Lisa [Shows the picture of Maggie and Mr. Miller]: I have Abby’s picture of you and Maggie, dated October 24, 1969, and she is very pregnant in that one.

Mr. Miller: Bull shit! That can’t be that date!

Lisa [Shows the back of said picture]: How come it says 10-24-69 on it?

Mr. Miller: Oh, the true date was tampered with.

Abby: Excuse me, but the year said “74” after it was whited out by my mother.

Mr. Miller [Pointing at Abby]: Which neither concerns you [Pointing at Lisa] or you!

Lisa: It has everything to do with me! Damn it! I found out from Ma that you found me in a bassinet at her apartment. Now, since Maggie was 14 and pregnant, is she my mother?!!

Mr. Miller: No!

Lisa: Yes!

Mr. Miller: No!

Lisa: YES!

Mr. Miller: NO!

Lisa: YES!

Mr. Miller: ALL RIGHT! YES! DAMN IT! ARE YOU SATISFIED?!!

Lisa: WHY?!! DAMN IT! WHY?!!

Mr. Miller: She was so lonely and confused! She needed some direction, so I showed her the way!

Lisa: Like what? Like that hussie that sprinted to the bathroom?

Mr. Miller: Well, yes! [Lisa slaps Mr. Miller. He grabs Lisa to violently shake her, as Abby gets between the two.] Damn it, Lisa! Women are to be pleasured! [Abby uses her right arm to force Mr. Miller off of Lisa.]

Lisa: DAMN IT! DAD! I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! [Lisa runs and cries like hell to the front door and out of the house.]

Mr. Miller: Well, what do you have to say, you phony head shrink?

Abby: Mr. Miller, I am an ER doctor and a former OB-GYN nurse. You took advantage of my mother. You are a pervert and a criminal. You act as though you have no responsibility in any of this. I have two words for you. Fuck you.

Mr. Miller: WELL, WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE YOU FUCKING WHORE?

Abby: I will, and I will make sure you don’t ever practice as an accountant in this State again! [Heads for the front door and exits.]

Mr. Miller: BITCH! YOU ARE IN THE COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS! I HAVE THE MONEY! I KNOW THE POLICE! I KNOW THE JUDGES! I KNOW THE GOVERNOR! YOU DON’T HAVE ANY POWER OVER ME!

Abby [Turns around to Mr. Miller, and flips him off, turns back, and pulls out her cell phone, and calls 911.]: Hello, my name is Dr. Abigail Lockhart, and I am licensed to practice medicine in the State of Illinois. I witnessed a statutory rape, and possible child molestation at 4230 U. S. Highway 6, near Plymouth. His name is Joseph Patrick Miller I. Yes, the victim ran to the bathroom wearing nothing but a tube top. I don’t know if he’s armed, but he is violent. OK, I’ll remain on hold at Highway 6.

Lisa [Still weeping]: Who are you calling?

Abby: The Police.

Lisa: NO!!! [Bends down briefly.]

Abby: Lisa, he raped and molested our mother. He caused your adoptive mother to divorce him over acts like this. She probably banged Luka’s dad in revenge. It wasn’t just that girl and Maggie. It was all the girls before and after Maggie. He is a pedophile and a monster. He needs to be locked up for the rest of his life. [Lisa, still weeping, hugs Abby, until the police arrives.]


ACT XIX


“Do You Want Your Break Today?”



[Abby and Lisa are at a McDonald’s with each eating a Yogurt Parfait.]

Lisa: You know, if I wasn’t suffering from morning sickness, we would be eating at this Italian Restaurant eating the best Shrimp Alfredo right now.

Abby: In six months, you could be eating anything from pickles and ice cream to downing an entire pizza loaded with all of the ingredients, including the anchovies, and it would good for the baby.

Lisa: Abby, I know I did the right thing by confronting Joe Miller, but now I feel like there is a big void.

Abby: Your father ran off from his responsibilities. He wasn’t there for you, Mark, and Joey. It was like he actually ran away from you, like my dad did. He had this sick and twisted mind that women are sex objects. If he couldn’t get an adult woman in bed with him, he went for the teeny-boppers. Hell, Joe was the sick bitch. Joe Miller was a father in name only, and I can’t replace him, and I can’t turn back the clock for you. I wished I can turn back my own clock, but my family has been hurt for generations. I sometimes wished that my grandfather Tony was alive, but I couldn’t prevent his murder. I couldn’t prevent Maggie from being born, let alone you. We have to go forward.

Lisa: I’m still down, and I’m still not going to get an abortion or give my baby away. I want my baby more than ever, and I know Dave is not a Joe Miller-type bastard.

Abby: Well, the thing I learned about Maggie is that it takes a man to make an impressionable girl the tart that she is. He didn’t want to protect the girls he hired. He used and abused them. Maggie was vulnerable the day she was born. That man that got arrested today didn’t give a shit. He could have used self-control but he didn’t.

Lisa: What do you mean?

Abby: Although it was a little different, it’s the same thing. I used to live next door to an abusive boyfriend of somebody else’s. After I had the girlfriend sent to a shelter, the boyfriend barged in my apartment and decked me right across the face. Although the ER insisted on doing a rape kit, it came out negative, but from a distance, Luka seen what was going on and he went out to boyfriend’s bar, and he beat the shit out of him there.

Lisa: Abby, just go out with Luka. Open your heart to him. I know you can’t forget Maggie, and I know it’s a crap shoot with the Bipolar, but Luka is there for you. The next time he kisses you, forget why you broke up with him in the first place. Forget Carter’s “Dear Jane” letter. Share your time again with him.

Abby: I will. And Lisa, good luck with Dave and the baby. I know that you will love your baby the way your adoptive mother loved you.

Lisa [Both Lisa and Abby stand up and hug each other.]: I know. Thank you my sister.

Abby: Thank you, Sis. Blood sisters forever. [Both giggle.]


ACT XX


“David Anthony Nelson, Jr.; 12:35 a. m.”



[Nine months later, Lisa’s water broke, and is in a wheelchair in St. Patrick’s Hospital being taken to the Delivery Room, followed by Dave, Jimmy, Beth, Matthew, Joe, Max, and Catherine.]

Lisa [Still in the wheelchair]: DAVE! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!

Dave: Now, Lisa, Honey, it will be over soon.

Lisa [She is carried by two heavy-set nurses from the wheelchair to the bed]: Yes, and it’s gonna be over your dead body!

Jimmy: Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, everything will be all right. It will be over soon.

Lisa: JIMMY, YOU’RE FIRED FROM THE EARTH!

Jimmy: Well, at least I still have the station.

Dave: Honey, you just can’t be down. We got a future ahead of us. We—

Lisa [Grabbing Dave’s tie and choking him]: Look, damn it! You’re the one who fucked me! You’re the one who put your dick in between my legs!

[Nurse Hathaway[xliii] arrives in the Delivery Room to take charge.]

Hathaway: Whoa! What’s going on? We don’t need so many people in here. We need only the expected father. Who is the lucky dude?

Dave [Gasping]: I am.

Hathaway: OK, he can stay, everybody else can go to the waiting room down the hallway. [Everybody goes “Ahhhh!”]

Jimmy: Well, good luck Dave and Lisa, and Dave, you’re going to need it.

Beth: Good luck, Lisa, you make every woman proud.

Catherine: Lisa, please kick some ass, because that babe will come out kicking and screaming.

Matthew: Good luck, Lisa.

Max. Ditto.

Joe: Hey, Dave, I sneak some wine and cigars when you’re done.

Lisa: JOE, GO AWAY YOU VILE PIECE OF SHIT!

Hathaway [Pointing to Joe]: You, leave.

Dave [Still Gasping]: Could somebody please help me?

Hathaway: Lisa, please let go of Dave. You need to save your arms and your energy for pushing.

Lisa: Well, when am I gonna get my epidural? Arrgh!

Hathaway: As soon as we can get an anesthesiologist up here, you can get your epidural.

Lisa: I need people to feel my pain! Owww!

Hathaway: You weren’t the first to suffer. I had my twins seven years ago.

Lisa: Here?

Hathaway: No, I had my twins in Chicago My boyfriend, Dr. Doug Ross, is chief of pediatrics, here.

Lisa: Which Hospital?

Hathaway: Cook County General.

Lisa: I have a sister who works there.

Hathaway: Who?

Lisa: Dr. Abby Lockhart. Owww!

Hathaway: Dr. Abby? The last time I worked there, she was still a nurse. She was my OB nurse when I had my twins there.

Dave [Still Gasping]: Nurse, could you please nurse me back to health by getting Lisa off of me?

[Jimmy, and the rest of the co-workers walk towards the waiting room, when they see a bunch of out-of-state doctors walk in the opposite direction, including Luka, and a very seven-month-pregnant Abby.]

Beth [Starts to recognize Abby]: Hey, haven’t I seen you before?

Abby: Don’t you work at the radio station here in New York?

Beth: Are you Lisa’s long lost sister?

Abby: Yep, Dr. Abigail M. Lockhart-Kovac. Abby’s back in town.

Jimmy: While lookie here! And she’s on the nest as well, and [Pointing at Luka] is this your bodyguard?

Luka: No, I’m her husband. I’m Dr. Luka Kovac. We represent County General of Chicago for this ER seminar.

Abby: What are all of you guys doing here?

Matthew: Lisa’s having her baby tonight.

Abby: Oh my God! Luka, Sweetheart, we got to observe this.

Joe: How? We were shown the waiting room.

Luka: I hate to say this, but we are doctors, and at least we get to see what everybody else can’t. The only problem is we can’t assist, because we’re related to Lisa.

Beth: Well, I also see that you are expecting. How long is it?

Abby: Seven months.

Beth: Well, it looks like everybody is getting the bug lately. Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, and who’s that actress that stars in that Hospital drama on “Must See TV” on Thursday? It’s on the tip of my tongue.

Abby: Well, let the mystery continue, and bring on the epidural. Luka, let’s see if we can get up there?

Luka, OK, my sweet, I’ll see if I can get a hold of Dr. Franklin. [Sees Dr. Franklin at the end of the hallway behind him.] Hey, Dr. Franklin, is there any chance we get to an observation room?

Dr. Franklin: What? To witness an appendectomy?

Luka: No, we need to witness a delivery.

Dr. Franklin: Is it solely for Dr. Lockhart here? We could still arrange a visit up there for the little lady here.

Abby: It’s for my sister.

Dr. Franklin: All the way from Chicago?

Abby: No, she lives in New York.

Dr. Franklin: Oh, all right. Go upstairs to Room 714. Show the guard your visitor badges, and he’ll let you in.

[Back in the Delivery Room, Lisa is impatiently waiting to give birth.]

Lisa: NURSE, WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY EPIDURAL?

Hathaway: Please be patient. Your pain reliever will be here.

Lisa: I want it here now! OWWWW! [Grabs Hathaway’s arm, and yanks on Dave’s tie.]

Hathaway [Calls for orderlies on her walkie-talkie.] I need orderlies here with arm restraints now. [Two orderlies come running with arm restraints. One orderly pries Lisa’s left arm off of Dave’s tie, and restrains that arm on the rail. The other orderly pries Lisa’s right arm off of Hathaway and restrains the other arm on the other rail.] Lisa, we’re sorry that we have to do this, but we can’t afford the injuries.

Lisa: BULL SHIT! I WANT MY DOCTOR, AND I WANT THE EPIDURAL!!! NOW!!!

[In comes Dr. Romanov, who’s like the late-Dr. Romano, but isn’t exactly related, and who is not Lisa’s regular OB-GYN.]

Dr. Romanov: Hello, everybody. I just ran into Dr. Polanski at the Tavern on the Green. He twisted his ankle on the sandtrap, so I’m filing in for this delivery.

Lisa: All right, where is my epidural? ARRGH!!!

Dr. Romanov: How far are the contraptions?

Hathaway: Seconds apart.

Dr. Romanov: Too late, the baby’s coming any minute.

Lisa: FUCK YOU, QUACK!!!

[In the observation room, Luka and Abby truly observe what’s going on down below.]

Abby: Sounds like Lisa. I’m surprised nobody’s given her an epidural yet.

Luka: What makes you so sure, Honey.

Abby: Lisa sounds very pissed, angry, and fortunately sane.

Luka: Are you gonna be that “sane” when you deliver our daughter?

Abby: Yes, and the epidural will be there when I deliver our Lucja Abigail Kovac.

Luka [Hugs Abby]: Abby, you and our daughter are a dream come true.

Abby [Sees down in the Delivery Room.]: That nurse looks awfully familiar.

Luka: That’s Carol Hathaway. She used to work at County General with Dr. Ross.

Abby: I was also her OB nurse. I wonder how are her twins doing?

Luka: Probably fine. There this short bald headed guy. He looks like he’s related to the late-Dr. Romano.

Abby: Don’t think so. This guy has a bigger mustache.

[In the Delivery Room, Lisa goes through a hell of a lot pain as she delivers her baby.]

Lisa: I HURT, DAMN IT! MAKE IT STOP!

Dr. Romanov: Lisa, your baby’s in the birth canal; now, Honey, push.

Lisa: PUSH! I’LL PUSH YOUR ASS IN HELL!

Dave: Lisa, please you’re almost there. Just keep pushing along.

Lisa: YEAH! LIKE THE TIME YOU PUSHED ME TO THIS CHICAGO CONVENTION! IF IT WASN’T FOR THE CONVENTION, I WOULD NOT GO THROUGH THIS FUCKING PAIN! OWWWWW!

Dr. Romanov: Lisa, the head finally appears.

Lisa: Hey, please remove one of the restraints. Dave, please touch his head for me.

Dave [Touches the baby’s head near Lisa’s crouch]: Honey, I can’t believe this is happening to us.

Dr. Romanov: This ain’t over yet. I need Lisa to give one big push.

Lisa: ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

[Baby cries.]

Lisa: I can’t believe this. It’s a dream come true.

Dr. Romanov [Looks at clock]: Hathaway, the time of birth is 12:35 a. m., June 12, 2006[xliv]. I think it’s safe to remove the restraints off now. So, Dave? Do you wanna cut the cord?

Dave: Yes, it’s like I got stoned drunk [Cuts cord].

Lisa: It’s a boy! It’s all came true. Our little Snagglepuss is here on Planet Earth. How are you doing little guy?

Hathaway: OK, I need a name for the birth certificate.

Dave: Lisa and I agreed to name our son [Sheds a tear.] David Anthony Nelson, Jr., after me [Cries.]

Lisa: This is the happiest day in my life, and the only two people that won’t see our son are Joe Miller the jailbird, and Maggie Wyczenski. She had no business being with my dad, and he had no business with any underage child. The kid’s real grandparents are my mom, JoAnna Miller, and your mom in Milwaukee. There will be no way I’ll let my son become a bad seed.

[Dr. Romanov comes back in with Jimmy and everybody from WNYX followed by Luka and Abby.]

Dr. Romanov: Everybody, I brought everybody that waited for the baby, and here he is, David, Jr.

Jimmy: Dave, you’re lucky son of a—gun!

Joe: Too bad I couldn’t pass out the cigars.

Beth: OHHHHH! He’s so cute.

Catherine: He’s like his daddy. A true fighter.

Abby: So how is my nephew doing?

Lisa: Little Dave is so great, and I see you are about to join the Mothering Society. How far along are you?

Abby: Two more months, and upon your recommendation, I not only went out with Luka, I married him.

Luka: But it came with a catch. On Christmas Eve, last year, Abby told me the two magic words, “I’m pregnant.” After what I’ve been through in my life, I was in Nirvana, and Valhalla all into one.

Dave: Well, we haven’t discussed marriage, but I wanted this baby, and Lisa and I will raise our son together. Nobody will separate us. Lisa has been my life since I first moved to New York in ’95, and to Lisa and Little Dave, I love you both.

Lisa: Everybody, I heard Murphy Brown give an interview on Ellen a couple of years ago, and after she gave birth to her son back in ’89 she sang this song, and I want to sing it here. [Lisa sings.]

When my soul was in the lost and found
You came along to claim it
I didn’t know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I’m no longer doubtful
Of what I’m livin’ for
And if I make you happy
I don’t need to do more

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like a natural woman (woman).


ACT XXI


“Get Carter 2030”



[It is now 2030. Abby is now the Chief of Emergency Medicine. Luka is now Chief of Staff, and everybody in the ER is new except for Abby, Pratt, and now Dr. Sam Taggart. She grabs the remote, and with a small blueberry-type keyboard, she makes entries on the “board”. Jay, Frank’s grandson, is no taking Frank’s place at the Desk.]

Jay: Dr. Lockhart, I received a memo from Kovac that we are getting new med students today.

Abby [With her gray hair tied up, wearing glasses, and having a few wrinkles on her forehead]: Oh no, another bunch of Greens marching through the house of death. Who are the lucky ones?

Jay: Their names are Junior Gallant, Danijela Kovac, Marka Kovac, Cosmo Lewis, and Hank Weaver. The note also says that we are getting that new surgeon from Royal Toronto Hospital, Dr. Isabelle Greene.

Abby: Isn’t her mother an M. P.?

Jay: Military Pig?

Abby: No, Member of the British Parliament. She used to work here about 26 years ago.

Jay: Kewl. Does she have Title?

Abby: No. Neither does her mom. She’s an M. D. like a third of the staff here.

[Dr. Robert A. Romano II[xlv], nephew of the late-Dr. Romano shows up, and asks Abby a question.]

Romano II: Abby, do you have those charts from Dr. Polanski? The doctor who died last night.

Abby: The one with continual ankle pain? He’s been a bug in my ass for the last five years he was here after he left St. Patrick’s in New York. Here’s his charts. Now, let me see what’s on the Tribune site today. [Abby goes to a computer, logs on to the Tribune web site, puts in her username and password, and pulls up the front page.] Oh, my God!

Romano II: What’s wrong, Abby?

Abby: Lucja’s in that picture. She’s on the Space Shuttle Reliant. She isn’t supposed to be on there.

Jay: Didn’t she escape from Springfield State Hospital?

Abby: Yeah, and why in the hell she’s on the Shuttle?

[In New York in 2030, Jimmy James died, and left all of his shares with Dave. Now, as Chief Executive Officer of Acquarii Broadcasting, he’s going over figures with Lisa, his Chief Operating Officer. Dave looks like Dave Foley as he looks in 2005 on Celebrity Poker Showdown, while Lisa has gray hair untied, glasses, and wrinkles on her forehead.]

Dave: OK, that’s $7 Billion on the billboard advertising—

[Videophone rings.]

Lisa: It says its from NASA.

Dave: OK, maybe there’s a glitch on Junior’s Mission? [Goes to the videophone where Lisa’s at.]

[A computer screen shows a picture of Capt. Dave Nelson II on the Space Shuttle Reliant with a young woman who looks like Lisa and Abby as they were in 1999.]

Dave II: Hi Ma. Hi Dad.

Dave: Son, how’s your mission going on so far?

Lisa: Oh, I see a young girl sitting right next to you, my little Snagglepuss.

Lucja [In a Croation accent]: Oh, no, I can’t be in the picture.

Dave II: Ma, Luce is a little shy.

Dave: Who’s Luce, Dave? Is it the type of ladies I used to fantasize about? [Lisa hits him on the arm.] Ow!

Dave II: Dad, Luce is one of the Mission Specialists. They didn’t give her a tag, so she must be one of these novices or something.

Dave: Novice? Is it still a crime to commit heresy with a novice?

Lisa [Grabs Dave’s balls]: Dave, I may be a young 60-year-old woman, but I can still squeeze your balls out of joint.

Dave II: It looks like you and Ma would be busy.

Dave: Dave, why don’t you and Luce have a good time? We’ll have a humungous party for you when you get back. If you have something in common with Luce, she’s welcome to join us.

Dave II: OK, Ma and Dad. I’ll see you later.

Dave: Bye.

Lisa: Bye, I love you, Snagglepuss. [Kisses the screen. Screen fades.]

Dave II: Luce, why are you so shy?

Lucja: I’m afraid of people.

Dave II: That accent. Are you like Captain Checkov from Russia? Ukraine?

Lucja: No. My papa is from Cro-ah-tia. My mama is from Chicago, America.

Dave II: I have an aunt from Chicago. Her name is Abby.

Lucja: Sheet!

Dave II: You know her?

Lucja [Pauses.]: No.

Dave II: Where’s your papa?

Lucja: He’s dead. Heart attacked him.

Dave II: Sorry to hear that.

Lucja: Capt. Nelson, I want to get to know you. It must be lonely up here.

Dave II: This is my first mission commanding a Shuttle.

Lucja: I really want to know you. Lost your vir-gin-nite-ey.

Dave II: I already did. Do you want to get out of that suit? I will give you a good time.

Lucja: Oh, yeah. I show time of my life. Mama and Papa did it all the time. My Grandmama also told me to enjoy my body, so let’s do it.

Dave II: OK.

[Back in Chicago, Abby takes action to rescue her daughter.]

Abby: Jay, you get Bob over here this instant. We got to find Luka. We got to find him in every Trauma Room, every Exam Room, every ER, OR, DR, restroom, construction trailer, porta potty, and yes, even in the broom closets.[xlvi] I want that son of a bitch to help me find his daughter.

Jay: OK, I’ll get Bob.

[Abby decides to get on the videophone and call Dr. Carter at Tranquility Space Base, Moon Territory.]

Abby: Damn it, Carter, turn on the phone! [Screen opens to a buzzed-out Carter.] Hello, Carter.

Carter [Wears a beard like he did in 1998, except he’s all gray.]: Abby, is this you?

Abby: Yes. Carter, is the Reliant going to land at your base?

Carter: Yeah, why?

Abby: My daughter is on the Reliant.

Carter: That’s very good. I hope I could impart some of my knowledge into her.

Abby: Damn it, Carter! My little Lucja is nuts! She has the same disease Eric has, and the same disease Maggie once had, before she committed suicide.

Carter: Abby, what do you mean?

Abby: Lucja has Bipolar Disorder. She escaped from Springfield State Hospital. She shouldn’t be in space.

Carter: Abby, that’s impossible. They don’t send mentally ill people in space.

Abby: Somebody did. I also don’t want her by Capt. Nelson either.

Carter: Capt. David Nelson II? Why him? Why are you so concerned?

Abby: He’s my nephew from New York. He would be committing incest with her. Please intervene and stop this Carter?

Carter: OK, I will, bye. [Screen fades.] Well, the Wyczenski Family Drama is back again in 2030.

[“Screen says “TO BE CONTINUED”.]

[Cue “Breathe (2 A. M.).]

[Closing credits begin with showing a clip of Phil Hartman with the words “In Memoriam Phil Hartman 1948-1998” on the screen.]


In Memoriam

PHIL HARTMAN (1948-1998)

CAROL LYNETTE CLARK (1965-2005)

[Carol died of a drug overdose caused by self-medication of her Bipolar Disorder.]




[i] There were only five seasons of NewsRadio from 1995 to 1999 in the US. The show would have lasted longer (and perhaps with no Abby on ER) if NBC would have given it a better time slot, and if Phil Hartman (who played Bill, and out of respect, he’s not playing in this fanfic) was not murdered by his wife who later committed suicide that night he was killed. After they put in Jon Lovitz’ character, Max, in, the show tanked and was cancelled.

[ii] Maura Tierney once played the Jewish equivalent of the Meathead on 704 Hauser Street.

[iii] The hell with the NBC Censors. This fanfic is for Net consumption, not for an actual broadcast. If anybody wants to act it out, hire your own crew. Maura’s doing ER, Dave Foley’s doing Celebrity Poker Showdown, Andy Dick’s doing some MTV reality show or Less Than Perfect, etc. Just use your own imagination.

[iv] As in Episode 9, “Goofy Ball”; this is in reference to Joe setting Dave up for a date, because not everybody knew that Dave had an affair with Lisa yet, and that Joe thought that Dave “needed to get some”.

[v] Episode 2, “Inappropriate”; Beth tells Dave that she does it with the FedEx guy. Beth told Dave that “they had to call in a supervisor from Memphis.”

[vi] Episode 25, “Led Zepplin I”; Lisa tells Beth that she had to quit the high school debate team because of the fear of getting pregnant. Each time she argued with anybody, she would get “hot and bothered”.

[vii] That would be a damn lie. The hard truth is that when she finally meets Abby at Cook County General, it will be a shock unto itself.

[viii] From “The Practice”.

[ix] All through the Second Season of NewsRadio, Jimmy was forever trying to find a wife. As for Jennifer Aniston, in the first season of “Friends” she played the coffee shop waitress and served the five other friends their coffee.

[x] I borrowed this part from another ER fanfic entitled “The Sound of Bells”. I thought it was from a real episode of ER, but I checked ertv.com, and it was not in there, even though it was so good. The fanfic went like this; instead of Carter going to Africa and meeting Kem, Carter gives Abby a breakfast in bed. Later that day, Abby goes to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test kit. She uses it, and it was tested negative. However, she faints, and recovers in the ER. When Abby comes through, Carter proposes, and Abby says yes. Carter and Abby then announce their engagement. Susan then comes back with Abby’s test results, and it showed that Abby’s pregnant. Carter then yells something like “I’m going to be a mommy and a daddy!” Everybody in the ER was happy, except for Luka who was pissed. Too bad Noah Wylie left ER.

[xi] Lisa’s ex-boyfriend in Episode 24, “Physical Cruelty”.

[xii] The psychologist in Episode 12, who was played by the late John Ritter of “Three’s Company”, and “8 Simple Rules”.

[xiii] Episode 25, “Led Zepplin 1”; where Bill tried to get into an argument with Lisa in the elevator, and Lisa felt hot and bothered.

[xiv] This is inspired by an episode of the Third Season of “Murphy Brown”, where they used actual footage of Vice President Dan Quayle criticizing Murphy for having a baby out of wedlock. In that episode, Murphy agonized over whether to have her baby, including whether she should get an abortion.

[xv] In Al Franken’s last book, he shortens Alan Colmes’ name all through the book, because Colmes doesn’t stand up to Hannity on Fox News’ “Hannity and Colmes”, and that Fox News is not truly “fair and balanced” at all.

[xvi] O’Reilly was a Defendant in sexual harassment suit by his former producer, Andrea Mackris, which was later settled. In O’Reilly’s audio book, “Those Who Trespass” (and quoted often on the Al Franken Show and Majority Report on Air America), O’Reilly says, “Say baby, why don’t you put that pipe down and get my pipe up!”

[xvii] In Episode 7, “Sweeps Week”, Janeane guest stars as Dave’s old girlfriend from Wisconsin, Nancy. Nancy told Lisa that, “if you move in on my boyfriend [Dave], I’m going to kill you.”

[xviii] WNYX was supposed to be on 58th St., and Madison Av.; Episode 1, “The Pilot”.

[xix] Savage’s real name is Michael Weiner.

[xx] Maura Tierney’s birthday is February 3, 1965; 10 days after mine.

[xxi] I’m throwing in a new character. This Maxine looks like Jennifer Aniston, with her hair tied similar to Abby’s.

[xxii] That’s what Susan told Carter and Abby in the fanfic in Endnote 10.

[xxiii] Mormons go to Church on Sunday. Adventists go to Church on Saturday.

[xxiv] Alan Alda was a guest star during Season 6 of ER. He played Dr. Lawrence Waddington, the “father” of emergency medicine. I felt that we needed a flashback moment here.

[xxv] Episode 9, “Goofy Ball”; this is where Lisa told Dave that other than others saying Lisa sleeping with the boss was a “good career move”, Dave told her before that it would be “way to go Dave”.

[xxvi] From ER, “A Boy Falls From the Sky”; when Abby finds out that the doctors call DCS to take the prostitute’s children away, she tells Chen, “this sucks!”

[xxvii] I’m having a field day with this fanfic. I said Maggie is from New York, because she was born on the West Side, as in “West Side Story”. I’m alleging that Maggie’s parents are Tony and Maria, and that her uncle Bernardo was killed by Tony in a gang fight, after Bernardo killed Riff. The reason why Bernardo tried to arrange a marriage between Maria and Chino (who killed Tony), was not just because he was trying to keep the family purely Puerto Rican; Maria was also muy loco, i. e., Bipolar Disorder. Abby’s family has a history of Bipolar Disorder, and Abby is a lucky son of a bitch not to have it.

[xxviii] That would be Chino.

[xxix] That is what Hot Lips, played by Sally Kellerman, said to Col. Blake, in the movie “M*A*S*H”.

[xxx] Luka wasn’t going to speak much, but after that performance on the “Human Shield”, and that exciting episode that followed, I decided to put him at the bottom of the steps, and in the next Act (but they won’t make love then, since Abby was earlier put in a bad mood by Susan, and Weaver). I’M NOW GLAD THAT ABBY’S PREGNANT!

[xxxi] As in Natalie Wood’s character, “Maria” in West Side Story.

[xxxii] Both Sally Field and Michael Caine were in a movie together. I don’t know what was the title, but the thing I remember was that they were tied up together and supposedly naked; nothing intimate happened, except that Sally’s character mentioned that something from Michael’s character was sticking out. Michael Caine also played a New England abortionist in “The Cider House Rules”.

[xxxiii] I’m referring to “Mark Miller” of the movie “Elektra” who is also played by Goran Visnjic. In fact, his movie daughter is also named “Abby”. In “Elektra”, both Mark and his daughter Abby fled Baltimore to hide from a martial arts gang, known as the “Hand”.

[xxxiv] Helen Washington was played on “The Practice” by Lisa Gay Hamilton, who had a guest appearance on “All About Christmas Eve”, the episode where Abby told Luka that she is pregnant.

[xxxv] This related to a series of Episodes on “The Practice” where they got a defendant acquitted by telling the Jury that her brother may have killed her, even though her head was found in the defendant’s suitcase.

[xxxvi] So did Maura.

[xxxvii] Episode 1, “The Pilot”.

[xxxviii] Episode 2, “Inappropriate”.

[xxxix] Season 5, I hate that period, and at that time, the show sucked, and it was later cancelled, partly due to Phil Hartman’s murder.

[xl] ER, Episode 8.Last, “Lockdown”.

[xli] This was about a month and a half before “The Human Shield”.

[xlii] Ben Affleck was Maura’s co-star in the “Forces of Nature” with Sandra Bullock.

[xliii] I thought I would return the favor. In ER, Episode 6.9, “Great Expectations”, Abby was Nurse Hathaway’s OB Nurse when Hathaway was giving birth to twins.

[xliv] This sounds better than the usual time of death they give on ER.

[xlv] Why not have another Romano played by a Romano? This time it’s Ray Romano, Maura’s co-star from “Welcome to Mooseport”. I did read in a NewsRadio site that he was supposed to play Joe’s character, but he was fired from NewsRadio before it went on the air.

[xlvi] I borrowed that idea from the movie, “The Fugitive”, where Inspector Gerard says “the every doghouse, outhouse”, line, and the ER episode (Season 9) where Luka banged a patient’s mother in the broom closet.


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