Back to the NR Fanfic Archive
It was an oddly energetic day around the station. Lisa, Beth, Bill and Phyllis, a new intern were dancing around in a conga-line to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, which was blaring from a boom box on Beth’s desk.
Beth: This was the coolest idea in the world!
Phyllis: I’m gonna go get some cookies. TO THE BREAK-ROOM!
(Dave comes out of his office, a very disturbed look on his face.)
Dave: What the hell is going on out here?
Bill: We’re bonding, Dave. You wouldn’t understand…it’s a girl thing.
Dave: (turns to the rest of them) Ah, Jesus, what have I told everyone about encouraging Bill?
Beth: It leads to cancer?
Phyllis: It’ll bring Falco back to life?
Dave: Yes. And we DO NOT want Falco running free in the streets, now, do we?
Lisa: I would…
Dave: No you wouldn’t.
Phyllis: Well, rock me Amadeus. He’s got a point thar.
Dave: Shouldn’t you all be doing something constructive?
Phyllis: Like getting cookies?
Dave: Like WORK. You people are setting a very bad example for Phyllis. She’s here to learn from you!
Phyllis: I am learning from them! I learned how to beat solitare in 40 seconds, how to conga, and if a certain someone doesn’t move out of the breakroom doorway, I’m going to learn how to climb Mount Dave to get to the magical land of cookies.
Lisa: Sorry, Dave, I’ll put her to work.
Bill: (starts making little smoochie sounds)
Lisa: STOP THAT!
Dave: Bill, we’ve been broken up for two months! I’m getting a little sick of you kissing air whenever Lisa agrees with me.
Phyllis: HUZZAH! (she jumps on Dave and climbs onto his shoulders) I told ya, but would you listen to me? No! (she scurries off of him and into the break room, where Joe and Matthew are arguing.)
Joe: The Dukes of Hazzard could NOT kick Superman’s ass. Where’d you get that idea?
Matthew: I dunno, you know, that car of theirs could do anything. Turn into a van, drive on stilts, chase Dr. Claw…
Joe: Dude, that’s the Gadget-mobile. And Inspector Gadget couldn’t kick Superman’s ass, either!
Matthew: Could too!
Joe: Could NOT…
Matthew: Could too times a million.
Joe: Oh, THAT convinces me.
Phyllis: Hey, look, a microwave! (she walks over to it) Anyone ever play Magic Glow-Head?
Dave: You’re not putting your head in the microwave, Phyllis.
Phyllis: Oh, some fun YOU are. Who wants a turn?
Matthew: Ooh, ooh, I do!
Bill: I’m after him.
Beth: Ooh, I call thirdsies!
(They crowd around Phyllis excitedly. Dave merely rests his face in his palm, exasperated.)
Joe: I say we get Dave to do it first. (he chuckles evilly to himself)
Dave: What, split my head’s atoms?
Beth: Come on, Dave, if there’s anyone who needs some fun in his life, it’s you.
Dave: Are you people insane? Answer me honestly.
Dave: (Sees he’s not going to get anywhere by arguing) Oh, fine. (he heads towards the microwave and sticks his head in.)
Phyllis: YAAAY! (she turns it on. It buzzes and sparks start flying out. It stops and Dave takes his head out)
Dave: Good thing I poked holes in my face beforehand…
Beth: How was it?
Dave: I feel gypped.
Matthew: Can you feel your head glowing?
Dave: No, Matthew, I can’t say that I do. You guys can keep playing Magic Glow Head, I’m going back to my office.
(He walks back into his office. Suddenly, everyone hears a CRASH coming from that direction.)
Phyllis: I didn’t know Dave played the cymbals.
Lisa: Uh oh…(she runs to his office) Dave? Dave?
Bill: (Following closely) And after a grueling two months, Lisa finally decides to get some action from her sugar-daddy!
(Bill comes forward, and Lisa slaps him very hard. She then turns around and opens Dave’s door.)
Lisa: Dave, I…OH MY GOD!
(Dave is trying desperately to curl himself up as tightly as possible to conserve space, seeing as he is now 50 feet taller than usual. He’s smooshed against the wall.)
Dave: ‘Preciate some help, here.
(The others run in. Matthew faints.)
Dave: Love you too, Beth…
Joe: DUDE! You…it’s…the…I…DUDE!
Phyllis: See? See? Something DID happen! Magic Glow-Head is fun for everyone!
Dave: This really isn’t at all what I need at this point in time. Could somebody call the fire department?
Phyllis: Sure, sure…(she opens a window and cups her hands around her mouth) HEY, FIRE DEPARTMENT!!!
(Dave shoots her the look of death.)
Phyllis: I’ve been waiting FOREVER to do that…
Dave: Need I inform you that my thumb is now roughly the size of your head?
Phyllis: Gonna stand over here now…(she steps back a few paces nervously)
Bill: Hey, Lisa…you know what they say about big hands…
Dave: Already taken care of. (he flicks Bill and he flies out of the office)
Phyllis: It’s a real shame your clothes grew with you…(she raises her eyebrows a few times)
Lisa: Flick her, too?
Dave: You kidding? I haven’t seen that kind of flattery in two months!
Lisa: (groans and walks out)
Dave: Say, wouldja mind calling someone now?
Joe: Sure, dude. (he looks around) …Where’s the phone?
(Dave lifts up his shoe and fumbles around. He then hands Joe a flattened phone.)
Joe: Think I’ll use the one at Beth’s desk.
Dave: Good idea.
(Joe leaves the room, dragging Matthew with him. Phyllis and Beth follow them.)
Bill: Great. Who’s up for another round of Magic Glow-Head?
*The next day…*
(Lisa is sitting in the booth doing a report)
Lisa: And we’ve just received word that WNYX’s own Dave Nelson is heading for New York City, leaving a path of destruction and misery in his wake. Once again, we advise listeners NOT to tease him, poke him or attempt to run over him with your jeep. Dave, if you’re listening, try to AVIOD our broadcast tower.
(Meanwhile, Dave is terrorizing the city.)
Dave: Would you all just stop screaming and tell me where I can find a really BIG coffee mug? (He unwittingly crushes a Starbucks) Oops…
(A crowd of people come running up to him, pelting him with rocks and cherry bombs)
Crowd: DIE, MONSTER!!!
Dave: Now cut that out! (he squishes a few of them) Oh, sorry…very sorr—oops, was he related to you--? Aw, damn…I gotta find a pasture or something. (squish) Oh, terribly sorry!
(Back at the station…)
Bill: (in the booth) And I say, KILL ALL THE MONSTERS! When was the last time Gamera payed a gas bill? And has the Lepus ever bothered to tip a waiter? These giant DEADBEATS are living in our world rent-free and worry-free! So if you see a monster, don’t hesitate to fly over him with a plane and shoot a few missiles!Beth: I REALLY hope Dave isn’t listening to this…
(Suddenly, there’s a GIANT rumbling sound as Dave removes the back wall. He scowls at Bill.)
Bill: Yes, Dave?
Dave: If I get hit with so much as ONE missile, I’m going to fold you into a human airplane and launch you into Iraqi airspace.
(Bill stares at Dave, quite frightened by the threat.)
Dave: Oh, and Bill?
(Dave flicks Bill into the next room)
Dave: Hey, Beth, do you know where Phyllis is?
Beth: Oh, she’s in the breakroom with Matthew, Joe and Mr. James. Speaking of, you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble when he comes out and sees what you’ve done to his wall.
Dave: Well, that’s the least of my worries now…what is that tugging I keep feeling on my pant legs?
Voice from outside: Hey, NICE UNDERPANTS, GODZILLA!
Dave: Oh, very mature! SHUT UP! (he turns to Beth) Well, it appears I’ve just been pantsed by the general public. Look, can you get Phyllis in there so I don’t have to knock another wall down?
Beth: Sure. (she walks into the breakroom where Mr. James, Joe and Matthew are sitting in a semicircle around Phyllis)
Phyllis: So after that, cousin Francis never DID sit the same. And when we asked him about it, he’d only cover his ears and hum the theme to The Facts of Life…he always did want to be on that show. Was pretty broken up when he tried out for the part of Tootie and found they’d already cast her. That’ll scar a man.
Joe, Mr. James and Matthew: Wow…
Beth: Phyllis? Dave wants you.
Phyllis: Oh, does he, now? (she raises her eyebrows suggestively) Scandalish.
Beth: Wants to TALK to you. Get out here!
(Phyllis follow Beth into the office. Dave is now screaming at the people below)
Dave: Get away from my ankle! I’ll skoosh you all! STOP MAKING FACES!
Phyllis: Yes, Dave?
Dave: Phyllis, you ever played Magic Glow-Head before?
Phyllis: Plenty of times. That’s why my friend Meredith had no face in the mid eighties.
Dave: Well…do the effects ever wear off?
Phyllis: Oh, of course. She grew her face back in a few days. But now she looks exactly like Bea Aurthur. Havent spoken a word to her since… See, one side effect of this game is the occassional case of Goldengirlism.
Dave: So I’ll get back to my regular height in a day or two?
Phyllis: Yep! But you might also turn into Estelle Getty.
Dave: (Looks down at the crowd of people, who are now egging his shoes) I’m willing to risk that.
(Well, Phyllis is right. Dave comes into the station two days later at a his regular height, and with no sign of Goldengirlism.)
Bill: Heeey, look who’s SHORT!
Dave: Ignoring you, Bill…
Lisa: Dave, you’re back to normal!
Dave: Yeah, and I couldn’t be more relieved. The biggest coffee cup I could find was roughly the size of my index finger.
(Mr. James comes in)
Mr. James: ‘Eeeyy, my favorite beeotch is back! And you can’t squoosh us no more!
Dave: Heheheh, glad to be back and, uh…your favorite beeotch, sir.
Mr. James: Yeah, hey, so uh, what the hell were you thinking when you took out my wall?
Beth: Told ya.
Dave: Oh, for crying out loud, sir, I was 50 feet tall—you don’t think when you’re a gigantic freak of nature, you just act on impulse.Mr. James: Yeah, sure, Dave. Well, guess we’ll just put a tarp up there. Nobody’ll know…
Dave: Where’s Phyllis at? I have to show her I haven’t turned into Estelle Getty.
Dave: Uh, nothing. Phyllis? Phyllis?
Bill: Why dontcha just break down a wall and fish her out, King Kong?
(Dave positions his fingers to flick Bill again) Nuh uh, you can’t do that anymore, my friend.
Phyllis: (From inside the breakroom, sounding a bit more thunderous than usual) BUT I CAN…
(A gigantic hand reaches out and flicks Bill into Dave’s office.)
Phyllis: Gonna just hole up in here for a few days…
Mr. James: Well, ifya need to talk to us, just lift up the tarp.
Dave: Howbout we remove the microwave?
Joe: You know, I think I’ll get right on that. (he runs off into the breakroom)