Episode 3, Season 6: "Loudon"

Author's Note: The title of this episode is ironic, and once you reach the end of this document,
you'll see why...

[open to WNHX station, Dave and Jimmy are sitting next to the radio listening to Phil do sports]

Phil: ... And the weekend here in our very own state of New Hampshire, we here at WNHX will
bring to you the NASCAR [race car sound effect] Loudon 500. I'm Phil McNeil and this has been
sports... Max.

Jimmy: [turns off radio] He's good... he's damn good.

Dave: No arguement here... but we can't.. I mean can't let him know he's good.

Jimmy: Hey, he's my boy... why not?

Dave: Well sir, he's got his fathers attitute, his personality, it's likely to assume he has
his fathers oversized ego...

Jimmy: You do realize right now I am leagal his father...

Dave: Oh no sir... I...

[Phil exits studio]
Phil: Dave, I know how to read lips...

Matthew: Really, what am I saying...

[Matthew words something]

Phil: [punches Matthew in the stomach] How dare you mouth that about my mother!

Matthew: oowww... [drags himself out]

Dave: What did he say?

Phil: [grins] 'I like cats'

[Cut to opening credits]

[Phil is sitting in the break room, Jimmy walks in]

Phil: Hey

Jimmy: Hey [lowers blinds, locks door]...

Phil: This isn't another thing you have to get off your chest about Roswell, is it?

Jimmy: No... no... this is something that I won't get shot for...

Phil: Oh... well what do you need to tell me...

Jimmy: How would you like to do the Loudo Broadcast... play to play?

Phil: Have you cleared this with Dave?

Jimmy: [scratches forehead, and then says in his acting voice] Yes Phil, yes I have.

Phil: Go tell him now... and what's with all the secrecy...

Jimmy: The truth is...

Phil: Out there?

Jimmy: No...

Phil: Based on facts?

Jimmy: No...

Phil: I am a transexual?

Jimmy: Springer?

Phil: Last night?

Jimmy & Phil: Yeah [the clap hands]

[Jimmy and Phil exit, Max and Lisa enter, Lisa openes door to refridgerator]

Max: So Lisa, was Dave good last night?

Lisa: [says in an annoyed voice] Ohh yes, he really made the hight of passion great and we were
scream eachotheres names when the eldery woman started hitting the celing with her broom,
complainging about the "damn tv"

Max: I hear you held back sex...

[Phil rushes in]

Phil: You with held sex from Dave? I'll never get any damn coffee!

Lisa: I most certinly did not! And how the hell could you know I said that?

Phil: I can read lips!

[Dave enters]

Dave: Oh good... your all here... now.. wait a minute.. who the hell is in the booth...

[Phil looks left and right, and darts into the booth]

Lisa: Dave, can I talk to you in your office?

Dave: Sure, I've got a few minutes till Mr. James has his regular 10:13 interfearince with my
job.

[Lisa and Dave exit]

Max: The sodas will be mine, all mine!

[Cut to Dave's office]

Dave: [kisses her] What's up?

Lisa: [Pushes him away] I think you know damn well whats up!

Dave: No... enligten me... this should be... pathetic..

Lisa: Max told me that you told him I was with holding sex...

Dave: Let me think ... talking to Max... about my sex life... I think we knew my answer after
'talking with Max'... How many times do you plan on beleaving every flat out lie everyone
tells you about me telling them about out sex life?

Lisa: I'm sorry... [kisses him, Mr. James enters]

Jimmy: I thought you were holding sex Lisa... Dave, talk, Louden race, now.

Dave: Ok, Lisa... if Max tell you that I told him that you have gray pubic hair, don't beleave
him!

Jimmy: What?

[Lisa exits, around 20 seconds of dead silewnce, Dave and Jimmy exchange confused looks]

Dave:You were saying?

Jimmy: I think Phil should broadcast the NASCAR race with Joe.

Dave: Who told you Joe is broadcasting the race.

Jimmy: Max...

Dave: I see... alright, it'll be a good thing for Phil to learn from... I'm sure he'll do
fine...

[cut to the race day, Jimmy is sitting next to the radio]

Phil: And starting 38th for todays race is [snicker and chuckle] Dick Trickle... [laughs]
who would name their kid that... what a crappy name...

[Jimmy turns off radio, stands up and walks into Dave's office... Dave head in on the desk]

Jimmy: So he laughed at some guy named "Dick Trickle"'s name.. big deal...

Dave: Yeah... big deal... every NASCAR fan is either a southererner or Canadian, and not the
wimpy Toronto Canadian, the Nothern Canadian with twelve hunting accidents!

Jimmy: I see... Okay, if anyone calls, I'm not here.

[Goto shot of Joe and Beth]

Joe: So where you staying?

Beth: At this B&B in Loudon untill they open my apartment.. there spraying it for some kind of
spiter...

Joe: same here...

Beth: Where you staying...

Joe: Nowhere...

Beth: well, you can crash at my place tonight I guess...

Joe: Thanks, I was afraied I was going to have to share a room with Matthew agian...

Beth: That would suck...

Joe: Yeah.. I'm allergic to cats...

Beth: ooo...

[the next day, Dave walks in to find all the lights off and everything dark, except for a light
in the booth, he turns on the lights]

Dave: Max? [Turns on radio]

Max: This is Max Lewis with 'Up all night cause Max drank too much soda'. Were gonna play some
commericals, while I goto the bathroom... for the [checks notepad] 217th time tonight...

[Max exits booth]

Dave: Max, what the hell do you think you are doing?

Max: I couldn't sleep, so I came here... turned off the tape and began talking...

Dave: Well stop it... how many soda did you have?

Max: All of them... now Dave I really have to goto the bathroom...

Dave: All of the sodas?

[Max runs into bathroom]

[Dave walks into break room and opens refridgerator]

Dave: MAX!

[Max walks into break room, zipping up]

Max: Yeah boss?

Dave: You mean you drank the whole months supply of sodas... thats over 50!

Max: I know... you don't think I KNOW that?

Dave: [slams fridge shut] Max... how could you

Max: I..

[Phil enters the break room]

Phil: Hey Dave, Max [opens fride, closes fridge]... Dave... no soda... why... no... soda?

Dave: Max drank it all.

Phil: Max, run, now.

Max: Why?

Phil:Just do it....

[Max darts out, Phil chases him, as Dave looks at the coffee machine

[New shot, Dave has a lit ciggetette in hand, sitting agenst a desk, reading a paper]

Dave: Damn fire ordiences....

[Dave puts out ciggerette

Phil: Dave, it's cooler when you actually smoke the ciggerette...

Dave: OK, back to work...

Max: I never thought I'd be happy to hear that.

[Max darts out of the room]

Phil: you really need to relax

Dave: Why do you think I'm trying to smoke...

[Enter Darrell Waltrip]

DW: Hello, I'm looking for Phil McNeil...

Phil: I'm Phil McNeil.

DW: Hello Phil, I'm Darrell Waltrip...

Phil: Damn, your a little old to be driving cars

DW: Your not the first member of the media to say that, can I talk with you in the break room...

Phil: Sure...

Dave: I need a vacation.... [he slams head on his desk]

[switch to break room, DW and Phil are talking at the table]

Phil: So what's up Darrell... [sweating heavly]

DW: Well, actually, I came here to congradulate you on an excellant broadcast. I was wondering
if you would give me the pleasure of being interviewed...

Phil: yeah, let me ask Dave...

[Phil exits the break room, and wipes the sweat off of his face with a towel in his pocket, then
walks into Dave's office, finding him asleep, Phil prceeds to tap him lightly, then heavly, then
shouts

...Lisa's here

[Dave gets up suddenly]

Phil: Gotcha...

[Dave groans]

Dave: What is it Phil?

Phil: I was wondering... could I interview Darell Waltrip... PLEEEEASSSE?

Dave: Sure why the hell not...

Phil: Thank you, Dave.

[Phil casually walks out of Dave's office, then darts over to the break room, slowing down to
enter]

Phil: Dave says it's OK... but I have to have some time to write the questions... can we do it
tomarrow?

DW: Sure, I'll be in town...

Phil: 10:00 good for you?

DW: Fine, see you then [stands and shakes his hand]

Phil: Pleasure to meet you sir.

DW: Same to you... by the way.. who WOULD name their kid Richard Trickle...

[Phil chuckles cautiously]

[DW walks out, and as the door closes, Phil jumps in the air]

[Jimmy walks into Dave's office, and sits on the couch]

Jimmy: Hey Dave.

[Dave looks up]

Dave: Oh... OH! Sir, uh... I was uhhh...

Jimmy: Sure you were... anyway... you look like you need a good vacation.

Dave: Yeah, like it's possiable.... you didn't sir...

Jimmy: You know me Dave, for the next week you and Lisa will be at a nice little bed and
breakfast...

Dave: How, I've got tons of work?

Jimmy: I hired a temp for you and Lisa. Tehy here to cover the primaries.

Dave: OK then, can I go home and pack.

Jimmy: I had it done... Patrick!

Dave: how...

[Enter Patrick, who looks alot like Dave]

Jimmy: I own your building, Dave, meet your temp, his name is Patrick.

Dave: hi... Patrick... your my temp?

Patrick: yeah. Here is your bag [he nhands him a bag]

[Lisa walks in]

Lisa: Ready Dave?

Dave: Your EAGER to go?

Lisa: Yeah... I wasn't till I met my temp.. come in Ashley...

[Enter Ashley, who looks like Lisa, Patrick is obviously staring at her]

Jimmy: Ashley, you'll be working here, and next door at the press house...

Ashley: Ok... [she catches Patricks eyes, he looks away]

Lisa: Dave, it's a little bit away...let's GO!

Dave: Ok, but your driving, I'm gonna need to sleep if were gonna have sex...

[Lisa mdrags him off]

Jimmy: Well, Ashley, Patrick, you two should get aquanted, you know where I'll be for the next
3 minutes...

[He leaves]

Patrick: do you know where he'll be?

Ashley: No...

[Matthew is sitting at a table infront of Dave's Office, as Joe sits down next to him]

Joe: Hey dude... Beth is lettting me stay at her suite at the Holiday, so I won't need to stay
at your place tonight.

Matthew: Oh, OK... No problem...

Joe: Your sure your cool...

Matthew: yeah...

[Matthew giggles, as suddenly the blinds close behind thier heads]

[Switch to car shot, Lisa is driving, Dave is sleeping in the seat next to her]

Lisa: This is the place...

[Use the classic "Newhart" opening, with the car pulling in, switch to Newhart set, with BOB
NEWHART as 'Dick' and TOM POSTON as George.]

Lisa: We have a reservation under James, Jimmy.

[He hands her a set of keys]

Dick: Room 11

George: Wait down here for a minute, I'll go make sure everything is clean and such.

[Enter WILLIAM SANDERSON as Larry, with TONY PAPENFUSS and JOHN VOLDSTAD as Darryl]

Larry: Hello, newcomers, this is my brother Darryl, and my other brother Daryll.

Dave: Oh, hello Larry... Darryl... Darryl [Dave has that wide grin on his face]

Larry: Bob, Daryll was wondering if he could barrow your broom, he needs to clean up after
himself...

Dick:Are you sure you don't need the pooper scooper?

Larry: It's not that kind of mess, is it Daryll

[Darryl #1 nods no]

Larry: No, I think he just broke something...

[Dick hands him the broom]

Dick: there you go. Good luck, Daryll.

[Larry takes the broom]

Larry: Thank you Dick, I will get it back to you as soon as I can.

[Larry, Darryl, and Darryl]

[Enter CLIFF BEMIS as Paul and JULIA DUFFY as Stephenie]

Paul: You maxed out my credit card, how do you expect me to buy anything in the next week?

Stephinie: OK, I'll return EVERYTHING.

Paul: No swettie... we'll make it through, [they hug, as Stpehinie exits, Paul walks up to Dick]

Paul: Can you spot me 20 dollers for liquor... I'm gonna need it.

Dick: Sure... just pay me back... and don't tell her, for god's sake...

Paul: Don't worry about that Dick. See ya soon, I hope...

[Paul walks out, as Dave turns to Dick]

Dave: You don't seem so well... what's wrong...

Dick: I dunno.. I haven't felt the same sence Joanna... that's my wife, died... I had to hire a
cook, and well... she's no Joanna. But you two look like a nice couple... you new around here...

Dave: Yeah, we work at WNHX and a local Newspaper...

Dick: So you Jimmy?

Dave: Oh, no... he's our boss... he felt we deserved this vacation.

[George enters from the stairs]

George: Room's clean as a whistle... but the door was squeeky, so I fixed it.

Dick: Thanks George.

Dave: Hey, can you turn the radio to WNHX, it's 1015 AM...

Dick: No problem... [he fiddles with the radio, and suddenly Phil's voice comes on]

Phil [voice]: And tomarrow... on WNHX.... Phil McNeal has a speical interview with stock car
driver Darell Waltrip... WNHX news time... 5:45... more in three minutes from Max Lewis.

[Switch to a shot in the office, Phil exits the booth, as Matthew sits next to him at the break
room table, where you can see the blinds are still down]

Phil: Hey Matthew, did you get that Waltrip info I asked you to get for me...

Matthew: Yeah, and I got you a coffee, just the way you like it.

Phil: Thanks... But I thought Max drank all the coffee...

Matthew: Well, I went to the store and bought some just for you.

Phil: Thanks Matthew... Hey do you know where coffee beans come from?

Matthew: A coffee tree?

Phil: No, you see, when the caffine monkey has to goto the bathroom, it release a small black
bean, which has many exsotic flavors.

Matthew: [with his impressed face] Whow...

Phil: [sipping his coffee] yeah.. so what did you find outr on Waltrip...

Matthe: Well... he's a racing legand.. he is tied for 3rd in carrer wins...

Phil: You mean I am interviewing one of the greatest racers of all time...

Matthew: Yeah

Phil : Gets a wide grin on his face.

[Switch back to Newhart set, Lisa is trying to get Dave upstares, while he can't stop talking to
Dick]

Dave: I know what your saying, I mean who would give thier two kids the same name... Listen, my
girlfriend is telling me to go upstairs, so I better go up... see ya Dick.

[Dave goes upstairs]

[Next morning, Dave walks downstairs]

Dick: Hello, Dave.

Dave: Morning, Dick.

[Beth and Joe walk down from the stares, yawning Beth spots Dave]

Beth: Dave?

Dave: Beth?

Beth: it's not what it looks like... Joe's appartment was getting sprayed for bugs...

Dave: OK, I believe you...

Joe: Dude, you OK?

Dave: I just had the best sleep sence my mom stopped singing to me... thank's Dick, you've got a
great place here.

Dick: Well, thank you, you'll be staying for the rest of the week then...

Dave: Yeah...

[Lisa walks down the stairs]

Lisa: Beth? Joe?

Joe: Our apartments are getting sprayed for bugs, I slept on the floor.

[Phone rings, Dick picks it up]

Dick: Hello? Yes, hang on, it's for you...

[Dave takes phone]

Dave: Hello? Oh hi Matthew? No Matthew, don't barge in on the temps when the doors are
locked... yes, I know... Yes.... well... I'm sure they won't stain it... When's Bill's interview
with DW... Mow? Great, say hi to everyone for me... bye.

Dave: Beth, Joe, go to work... see you guys next week.

Lisa: Yeah, bye...

[Beth and Joe walk to exit]

Beth: They're sure are nice people up here.

Dave: could you turn on the radio?

Dick: sure [he fiddles with the button]

Phil [voice]: Well, thank you Darryl, you have been a pleasure. Please come back sometime.

Darryl: Maybe next year?

Phil: This has been an interview with Daryll Waltrip, stay tuned to news with Max Lewis in three
minutes.

Dave: For the first time in my life, everything is going right...

[Dick turns off radio]

Dave: See you later Dick, were going for a drive...

Dick: See you soon...

[They exit, as suddenly you see Bob awake in bed with SUZANNE PLESHETTE (his wife from the Bob
Newhart Show) next to him]

Bob: I had another New Hampshire dream last night...

SUZ: Go back to bed...

Bob: One second [he turns the radio to 1015 AM, and hears]

Phil [voice]: You are listening to WNHX NewsRadio... stay tuned for some more great late night
programming.

[Bob looks shocked for a second, shugs, and goes back to sleep]

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