[Theme Music Plays ]
[ Begins with a picture of elevator doors closed. Doors open, Phil McNeil enters WNHX. As he enters the office, he looks to his left to see Matthew is trying to put out a fire in his trash can by stomping in it. Phil McNeil walks up to Lisa Miller's desk. ]
Phil: Yes, excuse me, where is the station managers office?
She points to Dave's office.
Phil enters Dave's office.
Dave: Oh, hello you would be?
Phil: My name's Phil Mc...
Dave: Uhh... sorry, hang on. What is it Matthew?
Matthew: My pants are on Fire!
Dave runs out of his office, to find Matthew hopping around with a fire on one leg.
Dave: Joe, get a fire extinguisher
Dave: Matthew's foot is on fire, again.
Joe comes in and puts the fire out on Matthew's pants.
Phil: So this is the exciting World of Radio journalism.
Dave: Matthew, how did you catch on fire?
Matthew: Well, I was trying to put out a fire in my trash can when...
un hunh, and how did this fire start?
Well, I turned on my new light, it was a cat zippo, when I stubbed my toe [he performs the action] when I dropped the lighter into the trash can and...
Dave: Okay, Matthew, I see the point, and now I know why my dad warned me to not play with matches
Beth: sorry to interrupt, but Dave, that guy is still in your office.
Dave: Thanks, Beth. Another time, Matthew.
[Dave enters his office to find Phil looking at a picture, he quickly sets it down, but the audience, nor Dave can see the picture he had up.]
Dave: Uh, have a seat, Mr.?
Phil: Phil McNeil.. I'm here to see My father, Bill McNeil...
[Jimmy enters Dave's office]
Phil: I'll leave, I'll be out talking to Mr. Fire Safety.
Dave: Okay, sorry about this..
Phil: It's OK
[Phil Exits Dave's Office]
Jimmy: Dave, you know how Ted Turner gave 1 billion dollars to the UN?
Dave: Yeah sir, why?
Jimmy: This is important, Dave, I can't let another billionaire journalism tycoon get a better reputation than me, that's what being a Billionaire is all about.
Dave: What do you plan to do, sir?
Jimmy; Well, I have decided to donate 1.5 billion in revenues to the American Heart Association, in memory of Bill McNeil. Now all I need is the average man's opinion. What's that kid's name?
Dave: Phil, but sir...
Jimmy: No buts Dave, it's action time!
[Jimmy goes out of Dave's Office, and Beth holds the door shut. Dave can't see threw Beth's hair so he goes to the window, just in time to see Phil run into the break room.
[ Phil is in break room with Dave ]
Dave: Hi Phil, I'm sorry
Phil: No, that guy with his leg on fire, HE'S sorry. Your just morning.
Dave: Yeah, well Phil, your father was a great man.
Phil: How long did you know him?
Dave: 5 years.
Phil: He was a great guy
Dave: He was a hero to Matthew... the guy who caught on fire.
Phil: Well, I'm screwed.
Dave: Why's that?
Phil: I'm 15, I have no more people to care for me except my mom's lesbian friends.
Dave: What do you mean?
Phil: Where I'm from...
Dave: Where is that?
Dave: Really? I'm from Milwaukee
Phil: Really? Wow! [Sarcastically] Can we focus back on me here?
Dave: Oh, sorry
Phil: What am I going to do?
Dave: Is there anyway to avoid this horrible event from happening.
Phil: According to Indiana State Law, I have 24 hours from the point I find out about Bill's death to find a suitable guardian who has known either of may parents for a period over 4 years, and must have a suitable payroll, living facilities, etc. To adopt me.
Dave: That excludes everyone at our office because no one has that kind of dough.
Phil: This also ruins my dreams of following my fathers footsteps and becoming a radio journalist, and I'll become one of those male Reformists who support feminism...
Dave: You want to be a journalist?
Phil: Hell yeah, I've takes journalism sense I was 11. Here, read this.
[Phil hands Dave an article he wrote]
Dave: This is a nice school newspaper.
Phil: Made the national top ten in won state, the journalism fair at Ball State, and countless awards. I also did school radio for 2 years.
Dave: Wow, you got one heck
Phil: Say hell Dave
Dave: how did you know my name?
Phil: I will tell you when the time is right, Dave.
Dave: When will this be
Phil: It will be sometime soon, it may be in the middle of the day, or the middle of the night. It may be when you least expect it. Or when I feel like it.
Dave: Okay, well, you have one heck...
Dave: Hell of a resume.
Phil: You haven't even read it yet.
[Phil hands him a paper]
[Dave gives him a weird look}
[The staff sits at a table, to discuss Phil]
Dave: I'm sure all of you have noticed our visitor today.
Dave: What is it Matthew? Is it your cat's birthday?
Matthew: How'd you know?
Dave: I just have a nac for these things, Matthew. Anyone else?
Max: Yes, I do. I'm going to ask the question everyone is wondering. Who is that weird person who is in the office?
Dave: Well Max, he is related to someone we all know.
Matthew: No your both wrong, he's Bill's kid
Joe: Hey dude, how do you know?
Matthew: Well, he reminds me of Bill a lot, he has a similar voice to Phil, his glasses are almost the same prescription as Bill's.
Beth: You tried on his glasses?
Matthew So I did, so what?
Dave: Anyway, apparently after his mother divorced Bill she became a lesbian.
Dave: So the only people who have guardianship to him are Lesbians from Indiana
Joe: Those are the worst kind
Dave: And you would know this how?
Joe: I don't have to answer that.
Dave: Anyway, let him be, I have to talk to Mr. James so, Beth, could you show him around?
Beth: Yeah, sure Dave.
[Dave goes into the office, Jimmy is sitting at the desk, asleep with his feet on the desk]
Dave: Sir? Wake up, sir!
Jimmy: What? Oh sorry Dave, what do you need.
Dave: Sir, you know the visitor we have here, the one who you made go into a crying fit.
Jimmy: Yeah, so I think the Bill McNeil thing will work
Dave: Sir, there's another reason that may have caused him to cry.
Jimmy: And what would that be?
Dave: He's Bill's son
Jimmy: ooooo... crap.
Dave: And if he doesn't get a home soon he's going to have to live with a bunch of Indiana Lesbians
Jimmy: Oh, I hear those are the worst.
Dave: Yeah, well sir, I'm trying to think of an idea to save him from this, cause I think he'd make one hell of a journalist.
Jimmy: Well, gee Dave
Jimmy: You just said hell
Dave: Yeah, so what?
Jimmy: You never said hell before,
Dave: It's something Phil taught me, to help better express myself.
Jimmy: Ya, you people from Wisconsin have a problem with that, that's why you suck at sports
Dave: uhmmm.. yeah sir.
Beth: And that is the broadcast booth.
Phil: Well thank you for giving me the tour of where you and your boyfriend have sex when you sneak into the office late at night, by I'm interested in the journalistic aspect of this place
Beth: Excuse me?
Phil: I dig it cause it's journalism
Beth: Ooohhh, OK.
Dave: Lisa, can we talk in my office?
Lisa: Yeah sure Dave.
[They go into office]
Phil: They gonna have sex?
Beth: Yep ::Blows bubble::
[Scene switches to Dave and Lisa in Dave's office]
Dave: All I'm saying is I don't want to leave him with some Lesbians!
Lisa: So what should we do?
Dave: Well we need someone who has lots of dough, and open heart and a good house...
Lisa: Why don't we ask Mr. James
Dave: If we ask him, we'll need a catch
Dave: I got it, how about that competition with Ted Turner?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Dave: well, instead of him donating 1.5 billion dollars to the AHA, he can take care of and hire Phil
Dave: Yeah, read his resume.
[Dave hands her Paper]
Lisa: Wow, years of journalism experience, took communications and radio in highschool... he's got a better resume than Matthew.
Dave: A monkey could have a better resume if he wrote it himself than Matthew
Lisa: true, but still.
Dave: We still need to see Mr. James about this.
Lisa: Be sure to emphasize the saving 1.5 billion dollars part.
Dave: Will do.
Lisa: Hey Dave?
Dave: Yeah Lisa?
Lisa: Ever wonder what it would be like to have kids?
Lisa: You want to?
Dave: Are you sure it's right?
Lisa: Yeah, what about the kid?
Dave: Eh, we still have 8 hours
[They start kissing]
[Phil walks in room]
Lisa: You know what, this is wrong.
Dave: And whats wrong about it?
Lisa: I should be naked.
Dave: Me too, right?
Lisa: Wait, no, we can't let that poor kid down?
Lisa: My place.
Lisa: Why, there's only one thing you'll be hungry for.
Phil, So Dave, you like steak too?
Dave: Mr. James?
Jimmy: Tell me, what's on your mind, Dave?
Dave: Well, Mr. James, will you read this? [Dave hands Jimmy Phil's Resume]
Jimmy: That's nice, so who you going to hire?
Dave: Well, if we could find someway to keep him here, Bills son Phil.
Jimmy:It's a shame, he has to go live with those lesbians.
Dave: Yes, well sir, I have an idea, [pauses] which Lisa helped come up with, where we get a great newscaster.
Jimmy: And what would that be?
Dave: Well sir, you take full guardianship for Phil McNeil and give him a job here, and metion Phil is Bill's son a couple times. Beats the hell out of donating money to the UN?
Jimmy: How much money will this save me?
Dave: 1.5 billion.
Jimmy: Well then why the helll not? I'll hold a press conferance in 2 hours.
Dave: Are you sure that this will get many people with such short notice.
Jimmy: With all that other crap about Washington in the papers and on TV? Hell yeah!
Dave: Okay then.
'On TV, later that day:
Jimmy: I, Jimmy James of Jimmy James Inc. Have decided to adopt Phil McNeil, the son of the late Bill McNeil, who used to be the voice of WNHX. He will be the new co-host with our own Max Lewis, and we hope that with this, we here at WNHX will learn from this young lad who's dream it was to follow in his late fathers footsteps, and become a raido journelist and may the memory of Bill McNeil live on forever.
Dave: He did that well.
Max: Hey Dave, who wrote that?
Dave: Phil, why?
Max: He'll make one hell of a news reporter.
[Camera pans down the row, with Matthew crying on Beth's sholder, Beth "petting" Matthew, Joe clapping, Lisa is staring at dave, and pointing at her watch, and an empty seat with a light on it. Then a wind blows in through the window, and the light is gone. Camera fade]