Tasteless Joke part 4


FADE IN:

  INT.DAVE'S OFFICE-DAY

    Dave stands,as Lisa kneels,ring in hand.


    Lisa:So are you gonna marry me or not?

    Dave:Uh,I think I'll pass.

    Lisa:Oh come on!It'll be fun!
  
    Dave:No it wont.Waking up to your face every morning was Hell when we were dating.I can't imagine voluntairly imposing such torture upon
    myself for the rest of my life.

    Lisa:Very funny,asshole.

    Dave:Just a joke.

    Lisa:Nevermind Dave,seeing as you are obviously not ready for a serious relationship.

     Dave:What are you talking about?I'm plenty ready!

     Lisa:Oh yeah?Prove it!Say "I do".Say it!

     Dave:No-

     Lisa:Say it!

     Dave:Why do you wanna marry me anyway?

     Lisa:Because Dave...I love you.

     Dave:That's such a crock of shit.C'mon,what's the real reason?

     Lisa:Okay...see it all started last week,when my mother called-

  Flashback sequence:

   INT.LISA'S APT.-DAY

    The phone rings.Lisa picks up.

     Lisa:Hello?Lisa Miller speaking.
 
     Estelle:Lisa?

     Lisa:Mom?

     Estelle:Oh honey,I just called to deliver the good news!

     Lisa:What good news?

     Estelle:Your sister Ezra is getting married?

     Lisa:No kidding?Who's the lucky guy?

     Estelle:Rememeber Dewey?

     Lisa:Dewey...?(realizes who she's talking about)Oh my God!DEWEY?My highschool sweetheart?!That bitch!

     Estelle:What was that,Dear?

     Lisa:I said I had an itch.Well,tell Ezra congrats!

     Estelle:Will do.You know,you should get married.

     Lisa:No offense mom,but I am in no way ready to settle down and have kids and whatnot.I'll wait untill I'm past my prime and have to
     pay male prostitutes to get any.By that time,I'm sure 26 years of living in this God awful city will have gotten to me,my spirits will
     be crushed and I'll be more than happy than to become a simple housewife who lives to tend her graden,and thinks ham in a can is
     thrilling.

CUT TO:

  INT.DAVE'S OFFICE-DAY

   Dave is frowning:

   Dave:Does this story have a point?

   Lisa:Yes!

   Dave:And that would be...?

   Lisa:I am tired of living in my stupid sister's shadow!
   Yes,I may project an aura of confidence and nonchalance,but deep down-I wanna be just like her.I wanna have her life.Just thinking about
   how I'll never be able to live up to my sister's image,or actually the way my mother precieves her,is making my self-esteem plummet even
  further.

  Dave:So you're not only a psudeo-slut,you are insane?

  Lisa:Well,TECHNICALLY I suppose,but I think that is beside the point.

  ENTER MATTHEW

  Matthew:Hi guys!

  Dave:Oh hey,Matthew-wait a minute?Aren't you supposed to be dead?

  Matthew:Yep!Surprising eh?

  Dave:Yes,but also a big dissapointment.Although I-I...

  Lisa and Matthew:What,Dave?
 
  Dave(to Matt):I....must admit I would have missed you.(Matthew looks at Dave like he's lost his mind)I am not ENTIRELY contemptous of
   you...

  Matthew's face brightens.

  Matthew:Do you really mean that,Dave?

  Dave(reluctant):Yes.

  Matthew hugs Dave.

  Dave:Matthew,what the hell are you doing?

  Matthew:Oh that's right I'm sorry.I forgot about the new-no hugging policy.

  Matthew exits.

  Lisa:There's a no-hugging policy?

  Dave:Yes,but it only applies to Matthew.

  ENTER BILL:

  Bill:Hola,como estan,amigos?Todo ista bing?

  Dave:Bill,why are you talking in spanish?

  Bill:That guru guy is teaching me how.You know he was part of the Spanish Armada in a former life?

  Dave(smiles condescendingly):No Bill,I had no idea.

   Bill:I must apologize to Mister James.I really thought  this self-help specialist wouldn't work out.

     Beth enters with Joe and Catherine.
   
   Dave:Hi guys.

   Catherine:So I guess everything's back to normal now that Matthew is back?Personally,I would have preffered it if he was gone.

   Everyone looks at her like she's crazy.

   Dave:Catherine,that is such an awful thing to say.

   Catherine:What're you talking about?You say the same thing everyday at lunch when Matthew's goes to use the restroom.

   Beth(acusatory):Really?Dave,I had no idea you were so cold-hearted?

   Joe:Yeah,dude.That's just not cool.It's not like you just kneecapped an old lady and swiped her change purse,which I admit to have done
    on more than one occasion but that was in Texas,where most kinds of theft and some types of murder are still legal.

   Bill:Sir,that is a lie!I have been arrested twice while reporting on location in Houston for stealing penny candy at a Stop and Go.

   Joe:Houston?What's Houston?


   Dave:Alright,everyone.This is getting weird.


   ENTER MISTER JAMES

   Dave:Oh hey,Mister James,how goes it?

   Mr.James:Grrreeat!Everyone ready for the weekend?

   Bill:Wait, where's Tommy?

   Mr.James:He went home.Today's the last episode of Melrose Place,and he sure as hell doesn't wanna miss that.Loser.

   Dave:Alright everyone,let's all go to the bar downstairs.My treat.It's the end of the day...I'm sure we could all use a few swigs.

   Matthew:Boy do I ever.It is not easy pretending you're dead.

   Catherine:You know,the one thing,I don't understand about this is if this was all merely staged,why did Lisa say she heard it on the
   radio?

   Matthew:Oh that.I bribed several anchors across the city with promises of nightly lesbian sex shows at my apartment.

   Catherine:Do you KNOW any lesbians?

   Matthew:No.Actually,it was kinda scary.Some of those guys were pretty buff.I gave them your adress by the way,so the next time your
  roomate has some free time maybe you and her could re-enact the rape scene from the Accused,cuz trust me,those guys WILL take me up on my
  offer.

   Catherine:MATTHEW!Come here.Why would you do such a thing?

   Matthew:I'm sorry I got scar-

   Before he can finish,Catherine slaps him.Hard.

   Catherine:Jack ass.

  Lisa turns off the light,and they all head out the door.

    Joe:Wait?  Has anyone seen my change purse?

    Mister James(incredulous):You carry a change purse?

    Joe:Yeah,but it's a stolen change purse.

    Mister James:Oh okay.  That's not so girly then.

THE END

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