"Bill Comes Back"
by Chris Purallo
Rated G
Author's notes: Set in Dave’s office; months after Bill’s death.
(Dave and Joe enter office)
Joe: "Tell me why we need to be here at ten o'clock at night?"
Dave: "Well, Mr. James requested that Lisa and I come back here after work tonight."
Joe: "Okay, but why do you need me?"
Dave: "Um, There's been a few muggings in my neighborhood and I was hoping you'd see me home safely."
(Joe smiles)
Lisa: (enters office holding bottle) "I'm here."
Dave: "Oh, and drunk?"
Lisa: "No, Mr. James called me and told me to pick up something with a lot of alcohol." (places bottle on desk)
Joe: (picking up bottle) "Rocket Fuel?"
Lisa: "Yes, it's actually quite good."
Dave: "Wait, you are drunk!"
(Mr. James enters office w/ strange man)
Jimmy: "Hey kids, thanks for staying up. Thanks for coming in. What I got to tell you is gonna blow your minds, it's gonna knock you on your ass!"
Dave: "I guess we won't be needing the Rocket Fuel."
Jimmy: "I'd like for all of your to meet the Amazing Andy. He's the best psychic in town."
Dave: (looking at Amazing Andy, who is dazed and disoriented) "Oh sir, rememeber what happened when you called Miss Cleo..."
Jimmy: "Yeah well, this is different. I was contacted from the other side, during my reading with Andy, right there in my home. The lights were blinking- the hounds were barkin'.. it was all real, Dave!"
Lisa: "Contaced by whom?"
Jimmy: "Bill McNeal."
Joe: "Dude- Bill's been dead for months now."
Jimmy: "No, No, No.... You see he's gone, but his soul hasn't crossed over.. According to the Amazing Andy, Bill's been hanging around Fort Awesome for several months now."
Dave: "Mr. James, even if it were possible, why would he pick your home to.. to.. 'hang'?"
Jimmy: "Well, the rest of you only have basic cable, Dave. Anyway, Andy here has agreed to act as a Medium so we could talk to Bill right here tonight!"
Lisa: "A medium?"
Jimmy: "Yeah, Just like Whoopi Goldberg in that movie. We call upon Bill, Bill enters Andy and voila- we all get to chat it up with Bill!"
Joe: "Yeah, what about the rest of the gang?"
Jimmy: (checking his planner) "Got them scheduled for Saturday afternnoon. Except for Max, I don't want him worried that Bill is going to want his job back... Ok, we're going to need that alcohol for Andy."
Joe: "Do you want some glasses?"
Jimmy: "No, don't need em. It'll just slow Andy down. See, the alcohol is what brings about the psychic state. So we just hand him the bottle and let the paranormal take its course."
(Jimmy hands bottle to Amazing Andy, who is now sitting behind Dave's desk. Andy begins to guzzle bottle of Rocket Fuel while Jimmy, Lisa and Joe watch the contents empty and disappear. Andy puts empty bottle on desk)
Lisa: "Daamn!"
Dave: "Sir, I don't think this man will live long enough to be your medium."
Jimmy: "Oh he'll be fine, just needs to get them psychic juices flowing. C'mon Andy, do your thing."
Andy: (looking woozy, shouts) "Bill McNeal, c'mon down!" (passes out on Dave's desk)
Dave: "Where did you meet this man?"
Jimmy: "Donald Trump. Yeah, he's Trump's personal psychic- doesn't make a move without him. I know, Dave..." (Jimmy continues talking)
(A white light begins to appear in the center of the room, taking the form of a man- Bill McNeal. Bill is wearing white pajamas, white robe & slippers. He begins to take in his surroundings and smiles devishly- though he cannot be seen)
Bill: "Jimmy! I knew you'd find a way to bring me back!" (Walks to Jimmy to hug him, and walks right through him)
Dave: "Sir, this man is obviously a drunk, and not a psychic medium."
(continues talking)
Bill: (waving hands in front of Lisa & Joe, who cannot see him) "Lisa, Joe! Don't you know me?!"
Jimmy: "Dave, I tell you he's a bona-fide psychic medium."
Bill: "Wait a second. Psychic medium.. just like Whoopee Goldberg in that movie... only thing, I'm the ghost." (begins looking at Amazing Andy, then leaps across desk and enters Andy's body)
(Bill is now visible to the audience/reader, but not to Jimmy, Lisa & Joe; He sits up in chair)
Bill: "Jimmy, it worked! I'm back!"
Lisa: "What, you mean you're awake?"
Bill: "No Lisa, it's me, Bill."
Lisa: "Oh right, like we're just supposed to belie-" (Bill Interrupts)
Bill: "Lisa- How would you like to have sex with a dead man?"
Lisa: "Bill, it is you!"
Dave: "Bill, how.. um, how do you feel?"
Bill: "Actually Dave, I feel a little drunk." (smiles)
Jimmy: "So, you have been hanging around my home?"
Bill: "Yes sir, I had no place else to go."
Jimmy: "Well, you're more than welcome!"
Joe: "Wait, when you died, didn't you see the bright light, and the voices welcoming and greeting you?"
Bill: "I remember dying. I was pretty uspset about that- I saw a bright light, but I could see all these guys in funny devil outfits and flames, so I got the hell out of there and went over to Jimmy's!"
(Jimmy walks around desk and puts arm on Bills shoulder reassuringly)
Lisa: "Bill, what are you going to do now?"
Bill: "Well, I was hoping Jimmy would give me my job back."
Jimmy: "Now Bill, in case you hadn't noticed, you're sort of in a rented body."
Bill: "Right. Can't we just keep him drunk and let me stay here? I don't mind the buzz."
Dave: "Wait Bill, the afterlife should be more than being drunk and living at Jimmy's. Have any other spirits spoken with you?"
Bill: "Yes. I think It was God's secretary."
Lisa: "God's secretary."
Bill: (nods) "Yes, she said that I didn't have to go to hell. That it was a misunderstanding."
Dave: "Well that's great, Bill."
Bill: "Well it would be, except I made a pass at her- and she sort of got upset."
Jimmy: (seriously) "You made a pass at God's Secretary?"
Bill: "She was reallllyy hot, Jimmy."
Joe: "Dude, how hot?"
(Dave sits on couch, and begins shaking his head in disbelief)
Jimmy: (taking out check book, and looking up towards ceiling) "Now God, what's it gonna take to get this all straightened out and get Bill wings?"
Lisa: "Sir, this is not a business deal. You cant just.."
Bill: (interrupts Lisa) "50 million dollars."
Dave: "What?"
Bill: "God's secretary said if I could figure out a way to get Mr. James to donate $50 mill to charity, I'd make it upstairs. She also said for $75 mill, I could still hang out at Jimmy's once a week- and you'll be able to see me."
Jimmy: "Well, she's a real hardass, but that sounds like a deal. I'll have my accountants donate it tomorrow!"
Dave: "This is all just insane." (a white light appears in room)
Bill: "Well, it looks like my ride is here."
(Bill leaves Amazing Andy's Body, and is visible to all)
Bill: "Goodbye, old friends."
Jimmy: "Goodbye my ass, I pay the 75 million, so you're coming over next week for Must-see-TV. Hell, the whole gang is coming. Yeah, see if you can get a picture of God's Secretary."
Bill: (now surrounded by white light) "You got it, Jimmy. See you next week!"
(White light & Bill disappears)
The End
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