by Chris Purallo
(Dave enters his office at 8 a.m., turns light switch on; Jimmy sitting behind Daves desk in the dark)
Jimmy: "Hey Dave, how's it goin'?"
Dave: (surprised) "Oh! Sir, you startled me."
Jimmy: "Sorry, Dave. Just doing a little of that Mental Tae-Bo. You
Dave: "Right. What brings you back to New York?"
Jimmy: "I'm back in the game, Dave- I've been pulled out of retirement- and am on a new project."
(Jimmy gets out of Dave's Chair)
Dave: "Um, what project would that be, sir?"
Jimmy: "The 'Jimmy James Project.'"
Dave: "Rock group?"
Jimmy: "No, no- Human cloning."
Dave: "Well, that was my second guess. Sir, it's really great to see you
but I've got to.."
(Phone rings; Dave waits, then reluctantly answers)
Dave: "Good morning, WNYX. Excuse me? No, this is not the radio station where Howard Stern works… Well, yes- BabaBooey to you also." (slams phone)
Jimmy (sitting on couch): "Son, don't you got someone to answer the phones around here?"
Dave: "Yes, that would be Matthew, but he's not here yet. I'm sure his cat has a hairball, or he's been mugged for the 12th time this month."
Jimmy: "Right. I guess I sort of left you short-handed when I took your staff over the Daily Jimmy."
Dave: "Yes, you sure did. Ah, sir please don't tell me some insane story that you've cloned my staff out of guilt, and they're waiting in
Jimmy: "No no no. Cloning is not insane, Dave. Billionaires have been doin' it for years… Donald Trump, Steve Forbes, Thurston Howell.."
Dave: "Sir, Thurston Howell was on Gilligan's Island!"
Jimmy: "Son, I'm talking about "TH" the 4th. Your thinkin' of Thurston the Third. Anyways, the results aren't always perfect. Yeah, take Trump for
example- somethin' bout his hair just don't look quite right. But me, I feel fine."
Dave: "What do you mean?"
Jimmy: (says meekly) "I'm a clone." (Sighs a big relief) "Wow, it feels so good to finally come out!" (picks up Dave's coffee and begins drinking)
Dave: "Sir, you're not a clone." (Dave says as if talking to a child)
Jimmy: "Yeah I am, Dave. I'm Jimmy 2.0. Yeah, Jimmy #1 gave me that name. He originally wanted to call me #2 – but we compromised."
Dave: (Standing behind desk) "Oh and where is uh.. #1?"
Jimmy: "He's In Jimmyville with the Gang, running the Daily Jimmy! He got bored began taking on new projects… The Bill McNeal School of
Broadcasting, The House of Pies, Human Cloning. Oh yeah, and he had the name of the town changed, too."
Dave: "Sir, you're making me very nervous."
Jimmy: "Alright, let me lighten the mood a little. (Takes out cell phone) "Yeah. Come on in, kitten! Awrright." (shuts phone)
Dave: "Oh, how I hope you weren't talking to Max."
(Lisa opens office door)
Lisa: "Hi, Dave. I guess Mr. James filled you in on some of his new projects?"
Dave: "Yes. Hi, umm, Lisa 2.0 I presume?"
Lisa: "No. Just me, Lisa Miller. However, there is a Lisa 2.0 In New Hampshire."
(Jimmy sitting on couch again, nodding in agreement and smiling)
Jimmy: "Yeah, isn't it neat? The new Lisa is a real firecracker! She's running that Daily Jimmy like it's the New York Times."
Lisa: Yes sir. But she's also taken a… um, liking to Max and… Joe. Not to mention all the time she spends at the house of pies."
Jimmy: "Yeah, Lisa 2 sort of put on a few pounds, but: Well, we ain't got all the bugs worked out just yet- but we're working on it.
Dave: "Lisa, I can't understand why you would let Mr. James clone you."
Lisa: "I guess I want to ...Have my pie and eat it too."
Dave: "I'm not sure I follow."
Jimmy: (Standing up) "Look, why don't I leave you kids alone. I'm meeting Trump 2.0 for a Breakfast Burrito in 10 Minutes." (Jimmy checks watch) "So I'll be back." (Jimmy exits)
(Dave and Lisa facing each other in the middle of the office)
Lisa: "Dave, when Mr. James told me about the whole clone thing, I thought I would just humor him and let his scientists examine me. But when I saw myself- two of me- I realized if there are going to be two Lisas, at least one should be happy."
Dave: "I'm happy to see you, Lisa."
(Lisa hugs Dave)
Lisa: "Dave, would you like to have lunch today?" (still hugging)
Dave: "Hmmm. Lunch. Where?"
Lisa: "At your place- noon."
Dave: "I'm getting hungry already."
Lisa: "Dave, can I ask you something?"
Lisa: "Was that Milos I saw in the booth doing the 8 a.m. news?" (break their hug)
Dave: "Yeah. Oh, it’s just temporary until we find someone."
Lisa: "Do you think maybe I should get in there in time for the 9 a.m. update?"
Dave: "Gee, I don’t know. Morning Edition with Milos getting uh.. a lot of attention."
Lisa: "Right. I’ll get right in there."
(Lisa exits office; Jimmy enters)
Dave: "Oh, Mr. James… I thought you were having breakfast with Trump."
Jimmy: "No no, he cancelled. Yeah, apparently he’s got an early meeting with Martha Stewart 6.0 – so I’m free. Um, did you kids make up?"
Dave: "I think we might be."
Jimmy: (smiling) "So, you’re having sex this afternoon?"
Dave: "Sir, I don’t think it’s… Yes we are!"
Jimmy: "Well hot dog! My plan worked! I knew I could get you kids back together!"
Dave: "Your plan?"
Jimmy: "I figured if I cloned myself, I could talk Lisa into doin’ it, too. I knew if there were two Lisas, at least one of them would want to come back here to Manhattan to you, son."
Dave: "Sir- you mean all the money and time you must have spent, you did for me?"
Jimmy: "Yeah, I did it for the station too, Dave, and for Jimmy #1. He wants his kids happy, you know. So what say you get in that booth with Lisa and help her uh.. update some of Milos’s top stories, kay?"
Dave: "Sure, Mr. James." (Dave leaves office)
(Jimmy walks around office and sits behind desk; Matthew enters office)
Matthew: "Mr. James, you’re back!"
Jimmy: "Hey Sport! How ya’ doin’?"
Matthew: "Well, My cat had a hairball, and I overslept. I’ve been working pretty hard around here. We could use some more help."
Jimmy: "Hmmmm. Son, have you ever wished you could be in two places at once?"
Matthew: "Yeah, sure- lots of times. But it would take like- I don’t know, 5 of me to get all the work done around here."
(Jimmy gets up from chair and puts arm around Matthew)
Jimmy: "We could do five. Son, would you ever consider having yourself cloned?"
Matthew: "That would be so cool! Could we clone my cats, too?"
Jimmy: "I don’t see why not…"
(both continue talking and exit office)
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