Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, trust me. Although I wouldn't mind having a Dave Foley or a Goran Visnjic of my own. Just to stay away from confusion, Dave Nelson will be Dave and Dave Malucci will be Malucci ---------------------------------------------------------- 'Give Me an ETA, I'll Give You My Life' Part II by Carolina And off to Mc Donalds they went. By now each one of them was wishing they would have turned down this volunteering idea of Mr James. All but Matthew, who was having a blast on the Mc Donalds playground with a bunch of 6 year olds. Meanwhile the others had to wait ages for all that food to come out on those uncomfortable little tables. Matthew: Dave! One of the kids took away my Pokemon card Dave: Matthew you're 28 years old, handle it yourself Matthew (hurt): He called me a poo-poo head Dave: Matthew if you don't get out of my face in 5 seconds I'm gonna... Server: Mr Nelson, your order is ready Lisa: Thank God Matthew: Did you get my Happy Meal? Beth (to an employee): Can I get 50 Monopoly table sheets with that? I'm trying to win a million dollars Lisa: Beth, we're late as it is, so let's just go Bill (to one of the workers): So, a Mc Donalds crew member. Too lazy to get a degree? Worker: I'm 15 years old sir Bill: Right. It's people like you who make me sick to be an American Worker: I'm in the Honor Roll sir, and I got a scholarship Bill: Whatever fries your stale burgers... (reading his tag) Billy Dave: Bill, stop stalking the employees Bill: I'll be on to you... Billy (Bill walks away) Somehow they all make it into the van with all the food. Dave is driving while Lisa is seated next to him, and the rest are on the back. Dave looks through the rear view mirror. Dave: Matthew get over it Matthew (wiping his eyes with a Kleenex): Yeah right, you're not the one who lost a Bulbasaur card Beth: You know what will make you feel better? I bet the toy in your Happy Meal is really cool Matthew: You're riiiight. Dave, where's my Happy Meal? Dave: Matthew I am not your father, for once can you do something by yourself? Beth: I think it's up by Lisa's seat Catherine: Matthew sit down you're gonna cause an accident Matthew: I just need to know what it is! Matthew get up and climbs almost entirely to the front seat looking for his Happy Meal Dave: Matthew *sit* down! Matthew: Wait Dave, I'm almost done Bill (while reading a newspaper): Somebody wake me up when we get there (not at all conscious of what's going on. Meanwhile Dave keeps trying to push Matthew away from him) Dave: Matthew! Lisa: Dave, look out! Cut to outside of van hitting a pole, you can hear everyone screaming. 10 seconds later... Matthew: It's a Snoopy plush toy! Cut to: the er. It's a quasi-normal day, just a couple of patients on the board. Mostly everyone in the er is hanging around the front desk. Malucci is in front of everyone moving frantically. Malucci: Rain! Explosive Diarrhea! Dr. Weaver! Abby: Things than can ruin your day at work! Malucci: Yes!! Malucci, Abby and Carter slap hands and sit down. Chuny, Luka, and Randi boo them. Chuny: That's not fair, it's 3 doctors vs one, a nurse and a receptionist Luka: We'll get them on the next round Carter: No one can beat team JAM Randi: Wow, did you come up with that acronym all by yourself? Carter: Funny, I was gonna say the same about your outfit Luka: Alright, settle down. Conni: Multiple MVA, single auto vs light pole. Just 7 minors Luka: ETA? Conni: 2 minutes Weaver: Ok people let's get cracking. Chuny, Connie, and Haleh prepare the rooms. Luka, Carter, Maluchi, and Abby meet me out by the bay. The doctors walk outside as one ambulance pulls up. The doors fly open as a bunch of people fly out, all screaming at each other. They all seem to be ok except for a couple of bruises. Malucci: Where's the trauma? Bill: I'll give you the trauma, buddy! Your ambulance there didn't have a place for me to put my legs up. Instead I had to ride all the way here with this bunch of idiots. Joe: Let it go Bill Malucci: Joe? Joe: Dave? Both: What's up dude? (they hug and slap each other around) Joe: What are you doing here man? I thought you went to Grenada to be with that girl with the awesome body who could put her legs behind her head Malucci (embarrassed that his secret's out): Yeah well, there was a change of plans He drags Joe into the er. Lisa approaches to Weaver with Dave in tow, who's holding his arm in pain Lisa: Excuse me? Can you help him please? I think he has a broken arm. Weaver: Of course. Abby? Why don't you take this one? Abby (without turning back): I'll be right there Carter approaches Lisa: Hi mam, I'm Dr Carter, that seems like a deep cut you have there on your head, why don't you come with me, see if you need some stitches? Lisa: Can't I go with Dave? Carter (confused): I think Dave has a patient already Lisa: No, Dave, my boyfriend (motions to Dave) Carter: Oh! Well your boyfriend might have a broken arm, we have to take him to another room to take some x-rays. This will only take a second. Lisa: Ok. Dave? I'm going in. Are you ok? Does it hurt much? Dave: I'm fine, just go have that cut checked out Lisa kisses Dave and goes in with Dr. Carter. Abby approaches Dave Abby: Hello, I'm Abby Lockhart I... Dave (in awe): Whoa Abby: I'm sorry? Dave: N-nothing. Abby: What's your name? Dave: Nelson Abby: Nelson? Dave: D-dave, Dave Nelson Abby: Hi Dave Nelson. Why don't we go in and take a look at that arm Dave (in cloud 9): What arm? Abby and Dave walk into the er. Bill: Excuse me! But if anyone hasn't noticed I'm in a very serious medical condition here Weaver: I'm sorry sir. Why don't you come with me? We can check you out, ok? Bill (walking alongside Weaver into the er): So what's with the crutch? Beth approaches Luka, obviously flirting Beth: Hi, I'm Beth Luka: Hello Beth, I'm Dr Kovac Beth: Oh! International, I like that Matthew: Excuse me? Beth: Matthew go away Matthew: I don't feel very well Luka: Are you hurt? Beth (pushing Matthew away): Oh he's fine! Just smashed his head into the windshield. So, Dr Kovac, where exactly are you from, and most important, do you believe in monogamy? Luka: I'm sorry, your friend seems to be in a lot of pain Beth: Oh, no. He's just weird like that. Luka: Sir? why don't you come with me? we'll take care of that cut Matthew: Can I have a lollipop? Luka: A what? Cut to inside the er. Abby and Dave are in exam 1. Dave is fascinated by Abby Dave: So, Abby. That's a great name Abby: It's short for Abigail Dave: Abigail, beautiful. Abby: Does it hurt when I do this (she presses his arm) Dave: What? Abby: Your arm? Dave: Oh yeah. It's just a fracture. I have a very high pain tolerance you know? Abby: I bet. Well the X-ray shows that your arm is broken in two places, we're gonna have to put you in a cast Dave: Great, Abby Abby (aware of what he's doing): Don't you have a girlfriend? And isn't she in the next room? Dave: Lisa? Yeah, she's my girlfriend. I love Lisa Abby: Cause we can bring her here to hold your hand while we cast you arm? Dave: No, I'm ok now Dave sits back in embarrassment. On the next room. Carter is taking care of Lisa's cut Lisa: So then, he accuses me of cheating on him with my ex-boyfriend Stuart, on the grounds that I was stringing him along. Can you believe that? Carter: Well I can see how he could be jealous Lisa: How come? Carter: He's obviously so much in love with you that he doesn't want to loose you Lisa: Yeah but he could at least say it every once in a while. I was gonna be a doctor you know? Carter: Really? What happened? Lisa: I decided I wanted to be a Forest Ranger instead Carter: Really? You're a Forest Ranger? Lisa: No, I'm a radio journalist Carter: Radio! Have I heard you somewhere? Lisa: I doubt it, our radio station is in New York, we're here because the owner of the station wanted us to do some volunteering in his shelter for the homeless. By the way, someone should call him, he's back at the shelter waiting for us Carter: I'll see that someone lets him know. That's awfully nice of him, to come all the way here to help our homeless when New York is full of them Lisa: Well, he's only doing it because Rupert Murdoc did it Carter: Oh yeah. You know he served the homeless just Chef Boyardee? We had to treat 152 of them for severe indigestion Cut to exam 3. Bill, Catherine, and Matthew are being examined by Kerry, Cleo and Luka. Beth is there too Cleo (to Catherine): Well, you seem to be ok, but that's a pretty nasty bruise on your belly, I don't wanna send you home and have you internally bleed to death Catherine: I'd be ok if Bill hadn't hit me with that disproportionate head of his Bill: Well maybe I'd be ok if you hadn't hit me with *your* ribs. And where are my ice chips?! Matthew: I'll go get them Bill Luka: No, you need to sit back, that's a pretty nasty bruise in your head. I'm gonna put you in an IV, just to keep you under observation Matthew: I'm allergic to IVs Kerry: How can you be allergic to body fluids? Matthew: Here's a list of my allergies (he takes a huge list out of his back pocket and gives it to Luka who examines it closely) Luka: So basically we can only treat you with alcohol? Matthew: Walgreens alcohol. The real one gives me hives Luka (reluctant): Well, I guess you can go home then Kerry: Maybe we can keep him here for a few hours, to prevent cerebral damage Bill: I think we're too late for that Matthew (touched): Oh, Bill. (to Luka) Here's a picture of my cats Luka: Why are they attacking you? Matthew: They were just goofing around Luka: You're bleeding Bath (tossing the pic away): So, now that you've treated Matthew, maybe you can take a look at me Luka: Of course, are you hurt? Beth: Not exactly Luka: I see, why don't you go and wait over in chairs Beth: Ah, hard to get. That just makes the game more exciting. Sure, I'll wait, in chairs, maybe I'll be lying down (Beth exits) Bill: Can somebody explain to me why I'm sharing a room with these two? Catherine: Shut up Bill! Cleo (to Catherine): You know, it wouldn't kill you to relax every once in a while Catherine: Well, it wouldn't hurt *you* to smile every once in a while honey. Cleo (insulted): Ok, well, I better go see about that belly (she exits) Cleo meets with Benton out in the hallway, we can't hear them talking but it's obvious they're discussing Catherine's case. Before Benton walks in, he and Cleo kiss for a while. Bill: Oh, What is this? A hospital or a soap opera at Circuit City? And why is that guy so serious? He's getting laid for crying out loud? Kerry: Well Mr. McNeal, you seem to be ok. So you can go whenever you want Bill: I *seem* to be ok? Why the hell do you have all these machines for if you're not going to use any of them? I can sue for malpractice Kerry: Well, for you to sue for malpractice, there has to be practice involved, and you seem to be ok Bill: My taxes pay your bills you know? Kerry: Mr McNeal, do you know what this is? (holds up an instrument) This is a Foley, and if you don't just sit back and shut up you'll be in such an excruciating pain that you'll wish your mommy wouldn't have pushed you out Bill: Strong character, delicious. Weaver walks out and Benton walks in. Benton: Jackie? Catherine: Excuse me? Benton: I'm sorry, you look at lot like my sister, except you're younger Catherine (flattered): Oh, thank you Bill: She only looks young, she's actually 38 Catherine: Bill! (she tries to beat him up with her IV) Benton: Ok, ok now. Why don't you come with me, Ms? Catherine: Duke. Catherine Duke Benton: Ms Duke. We'll take a look at that stomach (they exit) Matthew (to Luka): You see, Mitt-Mitt was jealous because I was spending all that time with Choo-Choo, but I was only taking care of him because he had a migraine. I mean, how am I supposed to take care of one cat when the other is totally giving me the code of silence. Luka: I see, why don't you excuse me for a moment? Luka walks out the room and picks up the phone in the hallway. Luka: Hello? Psych? I have a real case for you down here Abby and Dave. Abby's still working on Dave's cast when Lisa walks in. Lisa: Dave, are you ok? Dave: Yeah, I'm fine. Oh, this is Abby. Abby, my girlfriend Lisa Lisa: Oh Abby: Hi (they examine each other for a while. Dave, between Abby and Lisa, smiles to himself) Exam 4. Benton and Catherine. Benton is looking at her x-rays. Benton: Well, everything seems to be ok. It's just a bruise. Just don't do any hard work in the next couple of days Catherine: So, that pretty doctor, she your girlfriend? Benton (uncomfortable): Um, yeah, her name's Cleo Catherine: Cleo. So do I hear wedding bells for you two? Benton: No Catherine: Of course not. That girl is *not* serious about you Benton: What? Catherine: You heard me Benton: How do you know that? Catherine: Trust me honey Benton gets up and dials a number Benton: Cleo? We need to talk Catherine: That's what I'm saying Out by the front desk. Almost everyone is ready to leave. Except for Dave, Catherine and Lisa, who are still in their respective rooms. Beth (to Randi): But, if you put your nails in front of a fan they'll get all smudgy Randi: I know, that's why you have to use that Revlon protector, that way all the colors stay intact Beth: You're a genius. So listen, what's the deal with all the doctors here? I've even flirted with that bald moody one and he turned me down. Randi: Well, if you wanna get some action from the doctors around here you either have to be another doctor or a nurse. You have a criminal record down at the police station and suddenly they're too good for you. It also helps if you're blond. Beth: Well that sucks Randi: Tell me about it. Besides these doctors are just a bunch of goodie-two-shoes. If I had to put up with their good nature in bed as well I'd go absolute bitchcakes Enter Joe and Malucci Joe: Man, I'll never forget you for leaving like that. We had everything set up for our own duct tape factory Malucci: I know dude, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better (takes something out of his pocket) Joe: The Stocker Shocker! Malucci: I never leave home without it. Plus I still practice Joe Jitsu when I'm not at work Joe: You should come to New York for a visit, we'll go to a Rangers game and get drunk. Remember when we passed out on the Statue of Liberty? Malucci: How can I forget? Those Japanese tourists never saw those scenes coming when they developed their pictures Bill (entering): So I'm ready to get the hell out of here. Can we have our bill please? Beth: Wait, Dave is not here yet Bill: He better not assume that I'm paying for my treatment here. (to a doctor) Listen, can I get some morphine to go please? Dave, Lisa, Abby, and Catherine enter. Abby: Ok Dave, try to keep that arm dry and safe. You can go to your doctor to have the cast removed in New York. Dave: Thanks Abby Abby: No problem. Take care Dave Dave: Bye Abby and Lisa look at each other again for a few seconds, they turn away and walk towards different directions. Catherine (to Benton): Remember, quick and painful. No matter how emotional she gets, and I don't think you have to worry about that, it'll be better for you in the end. That's how I broke up with Bill, and look at him now Bill (to a patient, paranoid): If I were you I'd go to another hospital. There's a red haired doctor limping around and she's a real dominatrix. Catherine: Well, it worked out for me anyway. Benton: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Take care now Catherine: Bye Dave: So, are we ready to go? Beth: Mr. James is not here yet Dave: We'll wait outside, this place is too weird Catherine: Where's Matthew Bill: Oh, by the way, Matthew was taken to an insane asylum Lisa: What? Bill: The doctor said it was a good idea Joe: And you didn't stop him? Bill: I agreed with him Dave: Look, we'll deal with that later, let's just go Beth: What about Matthew? You're gonna let him spend the night with a bunch of crazy people? (Dave gives her a look) Yeah, I guess you're right They all start to walk away. Beth looks back Beth: Oh! Good bye Dr Kovac Luka, who had been walking towards the desk from the hallway, sees her, turns around, and walks into exam 2. Dave: Hey Lisa? Have you ever thought of letting your hair grow? Lisa: What? After they're all out of the hospital Carter approaches Abby Carter: What the hell was that? Abby: I don't know, but I hope they never come back Outside the hospital, after waiting for a few minutes, Mr James comes in Jimmy: Hey gang. What's 911 Dave: Uh, we were in an accident? Jimmy: I know Dave, I was trying to be funny Lisa: Where's the van? Jimmy: Well when they called me I went to the crash site, and all the food was still there so I took it back to the shelter and gave it to the hobos Catherine: That's nice. Did they like it? Jimmy: I think they did Cut to the hobos in the shelter. One of them rises up... Hobo: Where the hell are all the Monopoly stickers? They all rise in anger. Cut to a camera shot of an airplane. Dave: Did we forget something? Cut to insane asylum Matthew: Dave! Daaaaave! Cut to the outside of the airplane Bill: I don't think so Dave: Hey Lisa? Lisa: Yeah? Dave: Do you still have that doctor costume from last Halloween? |