Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, trust me. Although I wouldn't mind having a
Dave Foley or a Goran Visnjic of my own. Just to stay away from confusion, Dave Nelson will be
Dave and Dave Malucci will be Malucci

'Give Me an ETA, I'll Give You My Life' Part II by Carolina

  And off to Mc Donalds they went. By now each one of them was wishing they would have turned down this volunteering idea of Mr James. All but Matthew, who was having a blast on the Mc Donalds
playground with a bunch of 6 year olds. Meanwhile the others had to wait ages for all that food
to come out on those uncomfortable little tables.

Matthew: Dave! One of the kids took away my Pokemon card

Dave: Matthew you're 28 years old, handle it yourself

Matthew (hurt): He called me a poo-poo head

Dave: Matthew if you don't get out of my face in 5 seconds I'm gonna...

Server: Mr Nelson, your order is ready

Lisa: Thank God

Matthew: Did you get my Happy Meal?

Beth (to an employee): Can I get 50 Monopoly table sheets with that? I'm trying to win a million

Lisa: Beth, we're late as it is, so let's just go

Bill (to one of the workers): So, a Mc Donalds crew member. Too lazy to get a degree?

Worker: I'm 15 years old sir

Bill: Right. It's people like you who make me sick to be an American

Worker: I'm in the Honor Roll sir, and I got a scholarship

Bill: Whatever fries your stale burgers... (reading his tag) Billy

Dave: Bill, stop stalking the employees

Bill: I'll be on to you... Billy (Bill walks away)

  Somehow they all make it into the van with all the food. Dave is driving while Lisa is seated
next to him, and the rest are on the back. Dave looks through the rear view mirror.

Dave: Matthew get over it

Matthew (wiping his eyes with a Kleenex): Yeah right, you're not the one who lost a Bulbasaur

Beth: You know what will make you feel better? I bet the toy in your Happy Meal is really cool

Matthew: You're riiiight. Dave, where's my Happy Meal?

Dave: Matthew I am not your father, for once can you do something by yourself?

Beth: I think it's up by Lisa's seat

Catherine: Matthew sit down you're gonna cause an accident

Matthew: I just need to know what it is!

  Matthew get up and climbs almost entirely to the front seat looking for his Happy Meal

Dave: Matthew *sit* down!

Matthew: Wait Dave, I'm almost done

Bill (while reading a newspaper): Somebody wake me up when we get there (not at all conscious of
what's going on. Meanwhile Dave keeps trying to push Matthew away from him)

Dave: Matthew!

Lisa: Dave, look out!

  Cut to outside of van hitting a pole, you can hear everyone screaming. 10 seconds later...

Matthew: It's a Snoopy plush toy!

  Cut to: the er. It's a quasi-normal day, just a couple of patients on the board. Mostly everyone in the er is hanging around the front desk. Malucci is in front of everyone moving frantically.

Malucci: Rain! Explosive Diarrhea! Dr. Weaver!

Abby: Things than can ruin your day at work!

Malucci: Yes!!

  Malucci, Abby and Carter slap hands and sit down. Chuny, Luka, and Randi boo them.

Chuny: That's not fair, it's 3 doctors vs one, a nurse and a receptionist

Luka: We'll get them on the next round

Carter: No one can beat team JAM

Randi: Wow, did you come up with that acronym all by yourself?

Carter: Funny, I was gonna say the same about your outfit

Luka: Alright, settle down.

Conni: Multiple MVA, single auto vs light pole. Just 7 minors

Luka: ETA?

Conni: 2 minutes

Weaver: Ok people let's get cracking. Chuny, Connie, and Haleh prepare the rooms. Luka, Carter,
Maluchi, and Abby meet me out by the bay.

  The doctors walk outside as one ambulance pulls up. The doors fly open as a bunch of people fly
out, all screaming at each other. They all seem to be ok except for a couple of bruises.

Malucci: Where's the trauma?

Bill: I'll give you the trauma, buddy! Your ambulance there didn't have a place for me to put my legs up. Instead I had to ride all the way here with this bunch of idiots.

Joe: Let it go Bill

Malucci: Joe?

Joe: Dave?

Both: What's up dude? (they hug and slap each other around)

Joe: What are you doing here man? I thought you went to Grenada to be with that girl with the
awesome body who could put her legs behind her head

Malucci (embarrassed that his secret's out): Yeah well, there was a change of plans

  He drags Joe into the er. Lisa approaches to Weaver with Dave in tow, who's holding his arm in

Lisa: Excuse me? Can you help him please? I think he has a broken arm.

Weaver: Of course. Abby? Why don't you take this one?

Abby (without turning back): I'll be right there

Carter approaches Lisa: Hi mam, I'm Dr Carter, that seems like a deep cut you have there on your
head, why don't you come with me, see if you need some stitches?

Lisa: Can't I go with Dave?

Carter (confused): I think Dave has a patient already

Lisa: No, Dave, my boyfriend (motions to Dave)

Carter: Oh! Well your boyfriend might have a broken arm, we have to take him to another room to
take some x-rays. This will only take a second.

Lisa: Ok. Dave? I'm going in. Are you ok? Does it hurt much?

Dave: I'm fine, just go have that cut checked out

  Lisa kisses Dave and goes in with Dr. Carter. Abby approaches Dave

Abby: Hello, I'm Abby Lockhart I...

Dave (in awe): Whoa

Abby: I'm sorry?

Dave: N-nothing.

Abby: What's your name?

Dave: Nelson

Abby: Nelson?

Dave: D-dave, Dave Nelson

Abby: Hi Dave Nelson. Why don't we go in and take a look at that arm

Dave (in cloud 9): What arm?

  Abby and Dave walk into the er.

Bill: Excuse me! But if anyone hasn't noticed I'm in a very serious medical condition here

Weaver: I'm sorry sir. Why don't you come with me? We can check you out, ok?

Bill (walking alongside Weaver into the er): So what's with the crutch?

  Beth approaches Luka, obviously flirting

Beth: Hi, I'm Beth

Luka: Hello Beth, I'm Dr Kovac

Beth: Oh! International, I like that

Matthew: Excuse me?

Beth: Matthew go away

Matthew: I don't feel very well

Luka: Are you hurt?

Beth (pushing Matthew away): Oh he's fine! Just smashed his head into the windshield. So, Dr  Kovac, where exactly are you from, and most important, do you believe in monogamy?

Luka: I'm sorry, your friend seems to be in a lot of pain

Beth: Oh, no. He's just weird like that.

Luka: Sir? why don't you come with me? we'll take care of that cut

Matthew: Can I have a lollipop?

Luka: A what?

  Cut to inside the er. Abby and Dave are in exam 1. Dave is fascinated by Abby

Dave: So, Abby. That's a great name

Abby: It's short for Abigail

Dave: Abigail, beautiful.

Abby: Does it hurt when I do this (she presses his arm)

Dave: What?

Abby: Your arm?

Dave: Oh yeah. It's just a fracture. I have a very high pain tolerance you know?

Abby: I bet. Well the X-ray shows that your arm is broken in two places, we're gonna have to put you in a cast

Dave: Great, Abby

Abby (aware of what he's doing): Don't you have a girlfriend? And isn't she in the next room?

Dave: Lisa? Yeah, she's my girlfriend. I love Lisa

Abby: Cause we can bring her here to hold your hand while we cast you arm?

Dave: No, I'm ok now

  Dave sits back in embarrassment. On the next room. Carter is taking care of Lisa's cut

Lisa: So then, he accuses me of cheating on him with my ex-boyfriend Stuart, on the grounds that I was stringing him along. Can you believe that?

Carter: Well I can see how he could be jealous

Lisa: How come?

Carter: He's obviously so much in love with you that he doesn't want to loose you

Lisa: Yeah but he could at least say it every once in a while. I was gonna be a doctor you know?

Carter: Really? What happened?

Lisa: I decided I wanted to be a Forest Ranger instead

Carter: Really? You're a Forest Ranger?

Lisa: No, I'm a radio journalist

Carter: Radio! Have I heard you somewhere?

Lisa: I doubt it, our radio station is in New York, we're here because the owner of the station wanted us to do some volunteering in his shelter for the homeless. By the way, someone should call him, he's back at the shelter waiting for us

Carter: I'll see that someone lets him know. That's awfully nice of him, to come all the way here to help our homeless when New York is full of them

Lisa: Well, he's only doing it because Rupert Murdoc did it

Carter: Oh yeah. You know he served the homeless just Chef Boyardee? We had to treat 152 of them for severe indigestion

  Cut to exam 3. Bill, Catherine, and Matthew are being examined by Kerry, Cleo and Luka. Beth is
there too

Cleo (to Catherine): Well, you seem to be ok, but that's a pretty nasty bruise on your belly, I don't wanna send you home and have you internally bleed to death

Catherine: I'd be ok if Bill hadn't hit me with that disproportionate head of his

Bill: Well maybe I'd be ok if you hadn't hit me with *your* ribs. And where are my ice chips?!

Matthew: I'll go get them Bill

Luka: No, you need to sit back, that's a pretty nasty bruise in your head. I'm gonna put you in an IV, just to keep you under observation

Matthew: I'm allergic to IVs

Kerry: How can you be allergic to body fluids?

Matthew: Here's a list of my allergies (he takes a huge list out of his back pocket and gives it to Luka who examines it closely)

Luka: So basically we can only treat you with alcohol?

Matthew: Walgreens alcohol. The real one gives me hives

Luka (reluctant):  Well, I guess you can go home then

Kerry: Maybe we can keep him here for a few hours, to prevent cerebral damage

Bill: I think we're too late for that

Matthew (touched): Oh, Bill. (to Luka) Here's a picture of my cats

Luka: Why are they attacking you?

Matthew: They were just goofing around

Luka: You're bleeding

Bath (tossing the pic away): So, now that you've treated Matthew, maybe you can take a look at me

Luka: Of course, are you hurt?

Beth: Not exactly

Luka: I see, why don't you go and wait over in chairs

Beth: Ah, hard to get. That just makes the game more exciting. Sure, I'll wait, in chairs, maybe I'll be lying down (Beth exits)

Bill: Can somebody explain to me why I'm sharing a room with these two?

Catherine: Shut up Bill!

Cleo (to Catherine): You know, it wouldn't kill you to relax every once in a while

Catherine: Well, it wouldn't hurt *you* to smile every once in a while honey.

Cleo (insulted): Ok, well, I better go see about that belly (she exits)

  Cleo meets with Benton out in the hallway, we can't hear them talking but it's obvious they're discussing Catherine's case. Before Benton walks in, he and Cleo kiss for a while.

Bill: Oh, What is this? A hospital or a soap opera at Circuit City? And why is that guy so serious? He's getting laid for crying out loud?

Kerry: Well Mr. McNeal, you seem to be ok. So you can go whenever you want

Bill: I *seem* to be ok? Why the hell do you have all these machines for if you're not going to use any of them? I can sue for malpractice

Kerry: Well, for you to sue for malpractice, there has to be practice involved, and you seem to be ok

Bill: My taxes pay your bills you know?

Kerry: Mr McNeal, do you know what this is? (holds up an instrument) This is a Foley, and if you don't just sit back and shut up you'll be in such an excruciating pain that you'll wish your mommy wouldn't have pushed you out

Bill: Strong character, delicious.

  Weaver walks out and Benton walks in.

Benton: Jackie?

Catherine: Excuse me?

Benton: I'm sorry, you look at lot like my sister, except you're younger

Catherine (flattered): Oh, thank you

Bill: She only looks young, she's actually 38

Catherine: Bill! (she tries to beat him up with her IV)

Benton: Ok, ok now. Why don't you come with me, Ms?

Catherine: Duke. Catherine Duke

Benton: Ms Duke. We'll take a look at that stomach (they exit)

Matthew (to Luka): You see, Mitt-Mitt was jealous because I was spending all that time with Choo-Choo, but I was only taking care of him because he had a migraine. I mean, how am I supposed to take care of one cat when the other is totally giving me the code of silence.

Luka: I see, why don't you excuse me for a moment?

  Luka walks out the room and picks up the phone in the hallway.

Luka: Hello? Psych? I have a real case for you down here

  Abby and Dave. Abby's still working on Dave's cast when Lisa walks in.

Lisa: Dave, are you ok?

Dave: Yeah, I'm fine. Oh, this is Abby. Abby, my girlfriend Lisa

Lisa: Oh

Abby: Hi (they examine each other for a while. Dave, between Abby and Lisa, smiles to himself)

  Exam 4. Benton and Catherine. Benton is looking at her x-rays.

Benton: Well, everything seems to be ok. It's just a bruise. Just don't do any hard work in the next couple of days

Catherine: So, that pretty doctor, she your girlfriend?

Benton (uncomfortable): Um, yeah, her name's Cleo

Catherine: Cleo. So do I hear wedding bells for you two?

Benton: No

Catherine: Of course not. That girl is *not* serious about you

Benton: What?

Catherine: You heard me

Benton: How do you know that?

Catherine: Trust me honey
  Benton gets up and dials a number

Benton: Cleo? We need to talk

Catherine: That's what I'm saying

  Out by the front desk. Almost everyone is ready to leave. Except for Dave, Catherine and Lisa, who are still in their respective rooms.

Beth (to Randi): But, if you put your nails in front of a fan they'll get all smudgy

Randi: I know, that's why you have to use that Revlon protector, that way all the colors stay

Beth: You're a genius. So listen, what's the deal with all the doctors here? I've even flirted with that bald moody one and he turned me down.

Randi: Well, if you wanna get some action from the doctors around here you either have to be another doctor or a nurse. You have a criminal record down at the police station and suddenly they're too good for you. It also helps if you're blond.

Beth: Well that sucks

Randi: Tell me about it. Besides these doctors are just a bunch of goodie-two-shoes. If I had to put up with their good nature in bed as well I'd go absolute bitchcakes

  Enter Joe and Malucci

Joe: Man, I'll never forget you for leaving like that. We had everything set up for our own duct tape factory

Malucci: I know dude, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better (takes something out of his pocket)

Joe: The Stocker Shocker!

Malucci: I never leave home without it. Plus I still practice Joe Jitsu when I'm not at work

Joe: You should come to New York for a visit, we'll go to a Rangers game and get drunk. Remember
when we passed out on the Statue of Liberty?

Malucci: How can I forget? Those Japanese tourists never saw those scenes coming when they  developed their pictures

Bill (entering): So I'm ready to get the hell out of here. Can we have our bill please?

Beth: Wait, Dave is not here yet

Bill: He better not assume that I'm paying for my treatment here. (to a doctor) Listen, can I get some morphine to go please?

  Dave, Lisa, Abby, and Catherine enter.

Abby: Ok Dave, try to keep that arm dry and safe. You can go to your doctor to have the cast
removed in New York.

Dave: Thanks Abby

Abby: No problem. Take care Dave

Dave: Bye

  Abby and Lisa look at each other again for a few seconds, they turn away and walk towards different directions.

Catherine (to Benton): Remember, quick and painful. No matter how emotional she gets, and I don't think you have to worry about that, it'll be better for you in the end. That's how I broke up with Bill, and look at him now

Bill (to a patient, paranoid): If I were you I'd go to another hospital. There's a red haired doctor limping around and she's a real dominatrix.

Catherine: Well, it worked out for me anyway.

Benton: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Take care now

Catherine: Bye

Dave: So, are we ready to go?

Beth: Mr. James is not here yet

Dave: We'll wait outside, this place is too weird

Catherine: Where's Matthew

Bill: Oh, by the way, Matthew was taken to an insane asylum

Lisa: What?

Bill: The doctor said it was a good idea

Joe: And you didn't stop him?

Bill: I agreed with him

Dave: Look, we'll deal with that later, let's just go

Beth: What about Matthew? You're gonna let him spend the night with a bunch of crazy people? (Dave gives her a look) Yeah, I guess you're right

  They all start to walk away. Beth looks back

Beth: Oh! Good bye Dr Kovac

  Luka, who had been walking towards the desk from the hallway, sees her, turns around, and walks into exam 2.

Dave: Hey Lisa? Have you ever thought of letting your hair grow?

Lisa: What?

After they're all out of the hospital Carter approaches Abby

Carter: What the hell was that?

Abby: I don't know, but I hope they never come back

  Outside the hospital, after waiting for a few minutes, Mr James comes in

Jimmy: Hey gang. What's 911

Dave: Uh, we were in an accident?

Jimmy: I know Dave, I was trying to be funny

Lisa: Where's the van?

Jimmy: Well when they called me I went to the crash site, and all the food was still there so I took it back to the shelter and gave it to the hobos

Catherine: That's nice. Did they like it?

Jimmy: I think they did

  Cut to the hobos in the shelter. One of them rises up...

Hobo: Where the hell are all the Monopoly stickers?

  They all rise in anger. Cut to a camera shot of an airplane.

Dave: Did we forget something?

  Cut to insane asylum

Matthew: Dave! Daaaaave!

  Cut to the outside of the airplane

Bill: I don't think so

Dave: Hey Lisa?

Lisa: Yeah?

Dave: Do you still have that doctor costume from last Halloween?

The End

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