Title: Oh Baby!
Summary: Dave and Lisa get a scare; Matthew tries to put one of his cats in the right path.
Setting: New York, 3rd Season
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. Any coments? E-mail me!
Staff Meeting. Dave is talking and no one is listening, as usual.
Dave: So I talked to the Mayor and he promised an interview with us about the improvement in New York... (he looks around and notices that no one is paying attention)...meanwhile I moved back to Wisconsin where I started making and distributing homemade cheese. (No one is still paying attention) My ass is on fire. (Bill looks up, checks out Dave's ass and goes back to reading his newspaper) PEOPLE! Alright, what is it this time? Beth?
Beth: I don't have a boyfriend.
Matthew: My cat is in love with thi...
Joe: My mom's sick.
Catherine: Bill works here.
Dave: Is there a reason why you're not paying attention?
Bill: I'm just another innocent victim of alienation Dave, but now that you mention it, I have had this itch in my...
Dave: No, please. I've heard enough. Lisa?
Lisa: I, um. You really don't wanna know.
Dave: Fine, well in that case, you can all go back to work. And please let me underline the word work in that statement.
Everyone goes back to work. Dave peeks his head out from his office.
Dave: Lisa can I see you in here for a sec?
Bill: Alright everyone! I just want to let you know that while Dave and Lisa are having some wild animal sex in Dave's office, I'm in charge.
Dave: Bill go back to work.
Bill: Alright hot stuff.
Inside Dave's office.
Dave: Alright, I've noticed that you've been a little distracted lately. I mean no one ever listens to the meetings but you at least pretend you are. So, is there something wrong? You're not cheating on me are you?
Lisa: No, Dave, I'm not. It's just that, well, it's complicated.
Dave: Well you can tell me and we'll try to solve it together.
Lisa: Ok. Well, I think you should sit down. Ok, here goes. (She just sits next to Dave and stares at him blank)
Dave: You, have to open your mouth so that the words can come out.
Lisa: Um, Dave? I think I might be pregnant.
Dave stares at her with a blank expression and motionless.
Lisa: Dave? Are you ok?
Lisa: Dave I think we pretty much know the how. I guess it was that time we stayed late here and..
Dave: B-b-but I used protection... I used 5! And I-I thought you were on the pill!!!
Lisa: Dave those things aren't 100% secure and I have to admit that lately I haven't had much time to even eat let alone keep track of those things.
Dave: But you didn't tell me!
Lisa: Look Dave I'm not even sure I am, but I'm 2 weeks late and I've been feeling tired and groggy lately. I'll just stop by a Pharmacy on my way home and but one of those home tests.
Dave: I can't wait until tonight, I have to know now.
Lisa: Yea but there's no way we can do it here, there's no privacy.
Dave: Ok we'll just go to my apartment on our lunch break.
Dave: Now get out of here before Bill pees all around the station to mark his territory.
On the break room. Beth is there by herself. Joe enters.
Joe: Hey Beth.
Beth: What's up Joe.
Joe: You know what? If you're feeling kinda lonely I know a couple of guys who might be interested in going out with you.
Beth: Describe these "guys"
Joe: They all have their own cars.
Beth: Here's my phone number. Thanks Joe.
Beth exits, Catherine enters.
Catherine: Hey Joe.
Joe: Hey Catherine...I have my own car.
Catherine: So? Me too.
Joe: So I was just thinking that maybe...
Catherine: I'm not Beth, Joe.
Joe: Not quite the same cups either.
Catherine slaps him and leaves, Bill enters.
Bill: D cups?
Bill: Right on.
Dave's office. Dave is staring at the ceiling.
Jimmy: Hey Dave.
Jimmy: I said "Hey Dave!"
Dave: (monotonous) Hello.
Jimmy: Dave now matter how fancy those kids put it, just say no to drugs.
Dave: Huh? No, it's not that, I just have something on my mind, I just need some time to think. I'll be right back.
Jimmy: Dave peer pressure is very strong, specially on little Wisconsin pale kids like you, and I always find it useful to just look them in their eye and... Dave?
Matthew: Bill, I have a problem.
Bill: I'm sure Dave will be more than happy to help you Matthew.
Matthew: I know, but his office is empty and I can't find him anywhere. So, one of my cats has been acting weird lately, so yesterday I followed her and she's getting together with this cat, an alley cat, who has her head over heels and I cant make her stop thinking about him. I mean, that cat is not for her, she deserves so much better.
Bill: Yeah, don't we all. (He walks into the bathroom, Matthew follows)
Matthew: So what should I do?
Bill: Tell you what, I have a very special bond with animals, domestic animals particularly, so if you give me 150, no, 200 dollars I'll try to talk her out of that whole alley cat lust.
Matthew: Really? You'd do that for me?
Bill: Sure! I just need an advanced payment, no checks or credit cards...
Matthew: Thanks Bill!!! (He goes to hug Bill with his eyes closed, Bill walks away and Matthew falls into an urinal)
Dave comes into the office, grabs Lisa by the arm and drags her into the elevator area.
Lisa: Dave, what are you doing?
Dave: I'm sorry but I have to know right now.
Lisa: Fine, can I at least get my purse first?
Dave: Fine (Beth comes in)
Beth: Soooo, where are you guys going?
Beth: It's 10:30 am
Dave: We wanna beat the rush.
Lisa: I'm ready, bye Beth (Beth stares at them as the elevator closes)
Catherine: Where are they going so early?
Beth: Morning sex.
Matthew comes in with two cages, his cats are in them.
Joe: What are you doing?
Matthew: Bill said he could talk to Mitt-Mitt into staying away from some bad influence.
Joe: Then why did you bring that other one?
Matthew: Oh, Choo-Choo just wanted to see where I work.
Matthew: Anyway, all I have to do is give Bill 200 dollars.
Catherine: Matthew there is no such thing as talking to animals.
Matthew: Well I think a little guy known as Dr. Doolittle might not agree with you.
Beth: Well you better get them into the break room because there's not pets allowed in this building.
Matthew: Beth they're not my pets, they're my roommates.
Catherine: So which one's which? (She goes to pet one of the cats but it hisses and tries to scratch her hand)
Matthew: They get a little sensitive if they don't get their 10:00 am caviar.
Dave's apartment. Dave comes in like he's running away from the law, he peeks in head in, looks around and then shoves Lisa in.
Lisa: Dave we're just talking a pregnancy test not planning a conspiracy against the government.
Dave: Sorry, I'm a little nervous.
Lisa: Let's just get this over with.
Dave: Oh (They walk into his room, there's a huge bad on the bed. Dave dumps the contents into the bed. There's like 30 pregnancy tests boxes)
Lisa: You know Dave, some scientists are now saying that human beings can only pee a certain amount of urine at a time.
Dave: I'm sorry, but there's so many brands and I didn't knew which one to get. Which is the more accurate?
Lisa: I don't know, I've never taken one before.
Dave: How about this one (picks one up) If Jabba the Hutt turns green, you're pregnant, if he turns red, you're not.
Lisa: Let's just go with one I won't regret later ok? This one: If an X appears I'm pregnant, if an O, I'm not.
Dave: Ok. So do you want me to help you...
Lisa: Dave just sit down. I'll be right back.
Back in the office. Bill and Matthew are in Dave's office, cats walking around.
Bill: Listen Matthew, maybe you should wait outside while I do my thing ok?
Matthew: Ok, well let me know what happens ok?. Come on Choo-Choo (cat doesn't move) Come on buddy! (Matthew goes to grab him but it hisses and scratches his arm) Sorry, he gets a little nervous sometimes. (Bill locks the door and lies down on the couch. The cat is in the table staring at him) So, you're getting it on with an alley cat, huh? At least one of us is getting some. Kinda hot in here don't you think? (He opens the window, the cat goes wild and jumps out the window into the ledge of the building and into another office) Oops!
Dave's. Lisa is comes out of the bathroom and sits next to Dave on the bed
Lisa: Two minutes. (There's a long pause in which they both stare at the bathroom) Dave, what if it's positive?
Dave: We'll figure something out.
Lisa: Like what?
Dave: Well, we can get married and raise the baby together.
Lisa: well, I don't want you to marry me because I'm having your baby.
Dave: Well that's not the only reason. I mean, I love you and you love me, we've been together for 2 years and frankly I can't see myself spending my life with someone else.
Lisa: That's very sweet Dave but what about our jobs? I mean, my mom had us and she never stopped working and it was heartbreaking for us to never see her or our dad.
Dave: We'll think about that later. You know, when I was buying the tests I walked through the park and I saw a dad playing with his 3 kids. It kinda made me wish I had my own.
Lisa: You're gonna make a great dad.
Dave: Well you're gonna be the best mom. (They move closer to kiss when a bell ding goes off) We just have the best timing don't we? (They let out a sigh) Let's do it. (They go into the bathroom where the test is on the counter. Lisa picks it up and analyzes it)
Back in the office. Bill comes out of Dave's office and closes the door behind him.
Matthew: How's Mitt-Mitt?
Bill: She, needs a couple of min... hours to process the information.
Matthew: Bill... thanks so much, I know she'll listen to you.
Bill: Right (He slowly turns away and desperately runs towards the elevator)
Joe: Where are you going?
Bill: I lost Matthew's cat!
Bill: He jumped out the window and into and office, you gotta help me find it.
Joe: Come with me (They go into the break room, Joe locks the door.)
Bill: What are you doing?
Joe: Turn around
Joe: Turn around and face that corner.
Bill: Joe, after being in prison I'm not falling for that trick again.
Joe: Do you wanna find that cat or not?
Bill: Fine (He faces the corner between the door and the refrigerator. Joe opens one of the cabinets, pulls back a box of Froot Loops and a small secret passage opens behind the microwave. He looks in and grabs a machine.)
Joe: Here ya go dude, Cat Scan 5000
Bill: What the hell is this?
Joe: It'll find any cat in the city. It has everything in its memory from Angora to Mexican Hairless cats. (Bill takes the machine and examines it carefully)
Bill: Isn't this the remote to my VCR?
Joe: Umm, no. Let's go.
Back at Dave's.
Lisa: Well I guess we won't be needing that church anymore (She walks out)
Dave: Do you wanna talk about it?
Lisa: Not really, let's go back to work.
Back in the office Dave and Lisa walk in.
Beth: Soooo, how was lunch.
Dave: For God's sake Beth don't you have anything better to do than lurk into other people's personal lives? (She states at him oddly) At least get back there a practice for your typing lessons.
Beth: It's useless Dave.
Dave: Beth, back to work. (She goes back to her desk moaning)
Cut to outside the building where Bill and Joe are looking for Mitt-Mitt
Bill: Joe this is useless.
Joe: Come on, the security guy said they threw the cat out, and if it's somewhere in the city, this bad boy will find it.
Bill: The only thing that thing has accomplished is to give the tourists the idea that we're performing RENT in some kind of street theatre. (The machine starts beeping)
Joe: Wait!, it's got something. Through that alley, let's go! (they go through a dark alley, when they get to the end of it, there's around 60 cats all over the place staring at them. They suddenly all start screaming)
Bill: Whoa (An old crazy lady pokes her head through a window)
Lady: Hey! What are you doing to my cats!!
Joe: One of these cats is ours.
Bill: Joe, there's like 10 of them who look like Matthew's cat.
Lady: Get outta here or I'll call the police. POLICE! POLICE!
Bill: Oh shut up! Joe, grab that one
Joe: What if that's not the one?
Bill: Who cares! (Joe grabs a random cat)
Lady: Hey! that's my cat, leave him alone! Boys... attack! (All the cats start running after Bill and Joe, who are running through the streets of New York with a cat in their hands)
Back in the office. Bill and Joe walk in. Matthew is in his desk playing Solitaire)
Joe: I'll distract him... Matthew I need to see you in the break room.
Matthew OK (They go in) What is it?
Joe: Umm, I was thinking about painting this place in another color, what do you think?
Matthew: Well, you can paint it in pink with little flowers on it, that's how my apartment is painted. (Bill walks in with a cat) Oh Mitt-Mitt (He grabs her and starts kissing her all over her face, Joe and Bill look disgusted) Wow, she usually tries to poke my eyes out when I do this.
Bill: Well, she's a new lady now.
Matthew: O, thanks Bill. Mitt-Mitt give Bill a good ol' hug.
Bill: That's ok Matthew, we've already hug her enough. Bye Bye now.
Matthew (to cat): Who's daddy's little princess.
Dave's Office. Lisa walks in.
Lisa: Here are the Christmas promos.
Dave: Thanks (She starts walking out) Lisa! (He closes the door) Look, I know you don't wanna talk about what happened but I think we should.
Lisa: Dave I have work to do
Dave: Look, you're not leaving until you tell me what's wrong
Lisa: Fine. I guess deep inside I really wanted the test to be positive. I mean, I'm 30 years old and I really wanna have a family of my own.
Dave: Hey, I wanna have a family too but these things go better when you plan them.
Lisa: I know, but still.
Dave: I have an idea.
Dave: Move in with me
Dave: I want you to move in with me.
Lisa: Are you serious?
Dave: Very. Lisa we've been going out for 2 years and I know it's not as big as having a baby but it's a small step, a baby step if you will. And then after a while who knows? Maybe we'll get married and move to a nice house and we'll have all the babies you want. What do you say.
Lisa: Ok (she kisses him) I can't believe you made a decision spontaneously.
Dave: Does that turn you on?
Lisa: There's still people in the office.
Dave: I'll lock the door.
Lisa: OK, you have 10 minutes.
Dave: Well, that's not my style, but I'll do my best. (They kiss and fall on the couch)
Outside the office. Matthew has Choo-Choo and the other cat on the cages.
Matthew: Well Beth is time to go home, say good bye to Choo-Choo and Mitt-Mitt.
Beth: Bye cats.
Matthew: They really wanna say good bye to Dave, is he in?
Beth: He's having sex with Lisa.
Matthew: They what?
Beth: Um, they're asleep on the couch.
Matthew: Oh, well, good night.
Matthew: Good night Bill.
Bill: Bye Matthew.
Matthew: And thanks again for..
Bill: Go away Matthew.
Cut to Matthew's apartment. It's around 2 am and Matthew's asleep with his cats on the bed, the camera moves to the window where Mitt-Mitt- is outside trying to get in and meowing.
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